caroline holzberger

i never tire

there are a some things i never get tired of doing….eating Blue Bell ice cream (homemade vanilla with hershey’s chocolate syrup)…..listening to random old favorite songs of mine, The Eagles, Steve Miller Band (i know, weird…but true) 80’s classics….watching football, especially my red raiders (go tech!)…..listening to the rain….waking up next to Ryan…..

but last night when i just couldn’t sleep…i blogged until late and then just couldn’t sleep still. and with my current illness, i NEED sleep. i crave it almost…my body generally shuts down at about 7pm and i have to fight through to put all the kids to bed and then kiss Ryan as i fall into our bed at the pathetic hour of 8:30 or so. but not last night. last night, i saw hours on the clock that i had honestly forgotten were there. i will pay the price for that today for sure.

but it reminded me. as i went around the the boys’ room and to my sweet baby girl’s room…i was soooo reminded of something i never, ever, ever tire of doing….watching them sleep. if you have kids, you must know what i mean. when they are little bitty, i think part of it is the sheer relief that they are quiet and still that you are simply thanking God that they are asleep. 🙂 but now i just love to watch them….i looooove to stop and stare….

my kids sleep so differently. my eldest, sweet jacob (is now 5 and three-quarters 🙂 sleeps like he is; consistent, traditional, predictable. he is precious. he finds a comfortable position, i think one of the three main positions that you are “supposed” to sleep in, flat on back, on his right side or on his left side. he will readjust his covers so that everything is straight and evenly covered and then he simply closes his eyes and goes to sleep. he is like his mama, in that he can literally be talking to you and then by OUT COLD in 30 seconds flat. interesting, but true. i have actually been known to fall asleep in the middle of conversations…MY part of the conversations, nonetheless. but, jacob will fall asleep and lie there sweet and secure in that same position, often for the entire night. he breathes so deeply, with his mouth open (yet another trait he so attractively inherited from yours truly)…..i know he is always dreaming, because he is always thinking. analyzing. wondering. maybe worrying. (again, for the most part, he is my husband’s twin, but he is his mother’s son as well) trying to figure out this world and if he can’t do it awake, by golly, he will do it asleep. even as a baby, you could just tell looking at him sleeping, that his little mind was going. in the morning when he wakes up he often needs a “little time” (like his daddy) before he wants to deal a whole lot with everyone. but his heart is so big and fine, tht he will welcome kisses from his baby sister immediately…so sweet.

then there’s sweet benjamin (he is 3 1/2) who could not be more different than his older brother. but he could also not want to be more like him. oh i know what that younger sibling deal is like. anyway…benjamin gets into bed and if he can find his covers, will use them or not, doesn’t matter. he will sleep however he wants, one leg up, on his belly, pillow under his belly at the foot of bed, perpendicular to the “right” way. he’ll rustle around, until finally his body just gives in and out of sheer boredom, falls asleep. if i wanted to, i could check on him throughout the night and just for fun take a picture of him every 20 minutes or so…in each different position, and i think it would make for a very fun flip book. but my favorite, and i would say his most favorite position is on his belly with his sweet legs all tucked up under him and his hiney in the air. he looks so cozy and safe. i just want to “cuggle” (his version of the word cuddle, too cute) up next to him…but i dare not, because unlike his elder brother, he is a VERY light sleeper and the sweet cuggle time isn’t often worth waking him up. in fact, it is that reason that i have far less sweet sleeping pictures of benjamin, because the simple sound of the digital camera clicking often stirs him from his semi-sound sleep. i am sure benjamin dreams, and i can’t wait until he can express what it is, because he often wakes with a smile before he is really even awake. often ready to receive praise for not peeing in his bed or sleeping all night there. (and yes, that need for affirmation, he for sure inherited from me!)

lastly, is sweet sister friend….darling abigail (now almost 15 months) she is still in a crib, so her patterns are still a bit limited. there’s no telling how she will be once she’s turned loose in a big girl bed. but for now, she sleeps pretty sweet and secure. i like to say she sleeps “pretty”. it is almost like she knows i want to come in there and take a picture of my only girl….in her purple and pink flowered jamis with her arms thrown up over her head, paci in mouth (don’t judge), hair curls flipped evenly on each side…. i mean it..sometimes i peek my head in there and think, “oh sister friend, thank you for posing so sweet for mama!” she is a mix of her brothers really. her positions are more all over the place, like benjamin, but overall, once she decides, she sticks with it, like jacob. ryan and i like to think that she will be a good mix of the two of them, a bridge between the two. a lovely, sweet, pink little bridge, that they both happen to adore, to bring the two opposites together. (no pressure little girl…you just be you….we will all love you no matter what!) but, oh she really is so sweet when she sleeps. so delicate. but she’s not. she is a tough cookie. by far the toughest of any of the three. but, like benjamin, she is a light sleeper (i must have just lucked out on that first one…..or maybe i am just unaware of how loud i am now…….nah.) sometimes she falls asleep with her leg through the crib rail. it doesn’t bother her at all. it sure bothers me and i fix it every time. of course, me fixing it usually bothers her and rustles her sleep. (there’s a lesson there mama) but seeing her in possible pain….i can’t help but remember all the time i spent watching her sleep in the NICU bed. she had jaundice somethin fierce. the doctors threw the words “brain damage” around if she didn’t get better. gee, thanks. she got better. but the two extra days in NICU and the three days in the “special bed” (which is basicially like a baby tanning bed—yes, don’t you think i whispered in her sweet baby ear all about how this was the only tanning bed she’d ever have my permission to lie in!) at our house made me soooo happy to have her sleep in her regular crib. and now…all these months later. she sleeps so sound, so secure, so “pretty”…and she’ll never remember those hours i watched her sleep and pray she’d be ok.

that reminds me. none of these babies will know all these hours i’ve watched them sleep. just like i don’t know all the hours my mom peeked in on me. and even more so…i don’t know all the hours God watches over me. hmmm. God never sleeps or slumbers. isn’t that amazing that He is always watching over us. He knows when i sit down, when i get up. He knows my thoughts before i do. (see psalm 139) i wonder how often He watches us toss and turn over pointless worries. i wonder how He has enjoyed watching us grow up. the nights we have acknowledged Him before we slept. the nights we haven’t. ugh. the mornings we have awakened with Him on our mind. the mornings we haven’t. ugh. we are His kids. and like my pastor always says. our kids are His kids. God doesn’t have grandkids. God knows more about them than i do. he loves to watch them sleep too. He never, ever, ever tires of it either. that brings me joy. not one day of my life, and not one day of my kiddos’ lives has been unwatched by our great God. He cares and He knows and He watches. thank you God for that kind of love. thank you for never tiring. thank you.

beautiful, the mess we are

ok, so have you heard it? the song that i stole the title of this post to? it is called “better than a hallelujah” by the ever amazing amy grant. she has flat out been around forever. like really, since the 90’s. 🙂 please look up the song. listen to it. have the lyrics in front of you. it is so real, so true. my dear friend told me months ago…”i heard this song and thought of you” she knows how many times i have poured out my miseries to God in the past few months. she knows He has heard my cries and heard a melody. the genuine cry of His kid, must be so sweet to Him. not because He wants me to cry….but because He wants me to cry out TO HIM.

ugh. i feel like the most stupid person when i type like i have all this to be miserable about. there are, right now, people who literally have no food, no clothing, no roof over their head. mothers who have buried their children. children who have never known their mothers. so many with illnesses so far worse than mine. God forbid, others whose children have illnesses far worse than mine. and i cry out in misery? ugh. perspective people, perspective.

but i would be lying to you, to myself and therefore to God if i told you i didn’t have a little pity party every so often. and, so often i feel like my trees. (huh? your trees? i know, it sounds silly) and i am aware that i write about them a lot, but my backyard has truly become a haven to me these last few months. i meet God there every morning. it is a special place.

but before i tell you how i am like my trees, i feel compelled to make a slight correction to an earlier post. 🙂 now, let me make mention that i am not much of a detail person. my sweet husband is. (again, there are few ways we could be more different…but, hey, it works) it goes against my nature to pay a great deal of attention to lots of pesky details…especially if they get in the way of a good story. 🙂 i recently posted that our backyard has 90 oak trees. i would like to correct myself that we really have more like 100 trees, and they are not all oak. yes, while the majority of them are post oak, some are black oak (sometimes known as blackjack oak) and we also have some mulberry trees along the back fence. whew, i don’t know about you, but i feel much better!

what really matters for this analogy is the size of the trees. and for this…i did actually recruit my sweet hubby to help me out. this is because i am h-o-r-r-i-b-l-e at judging size and distance. no, really…this is NOT false modesty. if i tell you i live 5 miles from somewhere, it very well might be 1 mile, or 22 miles. if i see a bear running at us from 10 feet away, it could actually be 30 feet away or 100 feet away…there’s no telling. (but it would be best to just run, in that case!) i’m a poor judge with both over and under estimating…making me an equal-opportunity fowl up. so, today, i asked Ryan…”baby, how tall are our trees?” see, this is me, the one who doesn’t really care that much about details asking a methodical, detail-oriented man, to which he replied, “well, the post oaks can generally reach heights anywhere from…40 feet to….” (i went ahead and interrupted him here because i could just tell this was going to turn into a looooong explanation about the history of post oak trees)…”no, baby, how tall do you think these trees in our backyard are, you know i can’t guess height, i’m always wrong, are they like 10 feet, or maybe 20 feet?” i was sooo thinking i was close. to which he replied “no babe, most of them are at least 50 feet” darn. i had wanted to be a little closer than that.

i appreciate you letting me detour a bit in my story-telling to lead you to this. lately, as i sit there in the morning, after i put my glasses back on and can see clearly again (see blog post title “blindness”) i breathe deeply and watch what God does with my trees. how they move in the wind. and whoa, how i feel like them sometimes. if you look at their trunks, i must say it is fairly impressive. each one, about as big around as a telephone pole, so…..fairly substantial…thick, even…..of substance….not easily moved….secure….unaffected by the wind….rooted….established….i glance around and they are all unmoved…still…..in fact…if you look at just the trunks for long enough, it is easy to forget that it’s even a windy day. but then i look up. way up. 50 feet up. and i must say….i am amazed. those branches are swaying back and forth like die-hard Eagles fans at a live reunion concert…..back and forth….back and forth……three and four feet in each direction(let’s be honest, it could be 10 feet in each direction)….. leaves whistling all around….branches whipping all over…..completely being controlled by the will of the wind. it is deceiving really. could these be the same trees??? i look down and see the same solid, immoveable trunks. i look up and see the wind having its way with the tips of these same trees.

that is when it hit me. i sooooo am those trees. for all intensive purposes, i am rooted and established…secure in who God made me and not easily moved. i receive my nourishment from my God and have a firm foundation in who i am in Him. but the further up and up and up and away i get from Him, the further up into the elements..into the world…the wind….how easily swayed i can get. i worry. i am prideful. i am selfish. i am not thankful. wow it sure feels windy up here. ooooh, how these circumstances sway me sometimes. i think so many people see me for my trunk. and only my trunk. over these last months and months of illness, i have been brought face to face with who i really am and all that God wants to work in me. and i have found out a lot of what i would like to allow Him to change. i have been blessed as He has grown those top branches thicker and leaves stronger, so that when (not if) more winds come, i won’t be so easily blown about. but i’d be lying if i said that i haven’t been blown about quite a bit as well. i have also loved being able to love and accept that we are all just a bunch of trees….some of us might have super thick trunks, some of us might be more than 50 feet tall….some of us might think we are 50 feet tall when in reality we are much, much smaller….it doesn’t matter… if we aren’t rooted in Him…if that is not what we are established in…then you’d better hold on, because wind is surely in the forecast for today. and for today, it may be gale force…it may be a light breeze that wouldn’t even blow your skirt up…it doesn’t matter, none of us are getting out of this without some swayin to and fro.

read matthew 13. be the seed that grows the root that bears the fruit. winds will come. we will cry out to our God. He will hear our cries…and strengthen us….every one of us.

my joy boy

i am quite sure i will have multiple opportunities to write multiple posts about my adorable three kiddos. but, for this morning, i want to write this one about my sweet benjamin….. he is such a treat. God chose to sandwich him in the middle of our precious firstborn, jacob and our beautiful baby girl, abigail. and, oh is he truly our creme filling of team holzberger. what a joy. all of them are, really. but there is just something about benjamin that has always been such a joy. hence my little name for him, my joy boy. i used to love going to wake him up out of his crib as a baby because he literally had a smile on his face before his sweet baby blue eyes were even open. the kid can get so excited about just about anything. i believe i passed my ability to be very easily amused on to him. but i am convinced that he must have stood in line in heaven a few times for it, because he ended up with mega doses of it, and boy is it a joy to be around! often we will be sitting at a meal (like, last night at dinner, for instance) and out of nowhere and absollutely no “prompting” from a grown up, he will just burst out and say “oh daddy, thank you sooo much for fixing us this breakfast, it is so yummy, thanks daddy!” and the inflection in his voice is so darn cute and pure and filled with joy, it melts your heart. and yes, i think there is something so precious about the fact that he doesn’t even call the meal the correct name…doesn’t matter, he is still just happy to be fed. (yes, you see where i am going with this)
but recently, my sweet baby boy has truly had a tough couple weeks. now, before you read on, (and debate about calling cps) remember that bejamin is 3 1/2 and sits still about as long as a gnat. unlike my compliant and cautious firstborn jacob, who flat out spoiled us and would sit still and focused, looking at a book or building with blocks for an hour at the age of ONE…benjamin is much busier, MUCH less cautious, and much more likely to get into all this trouble. so, like i said…in just the past few weeks…benjamin has sliced his finger open (pretty badly, but thankfully no stitches) on an open tin can….been handed the wrong cup and taken a full swig of HOT coffee, thinking it was his orange juice…..been stung by a bee in our backyard…..gotten a hold of a peanut (which he is highly allergic to) and broken out into whelps and hives…..touched a hot grill and gotten 2nd degree burns on his palm and fingertips…..and had skin meet pavement more times than we can count. in anyone’s world, this would be a VERY tough couple weeks…but especially in the protected, supposed to be sheltered world of a 3 year old. you know that even a kid could start to think, “ok, seriously?” not benjamin. it really hit me the other day when (once again) i woke him up and one of the first comments that came out of his barely awake little mouth, was “oh mama….(such pure joy, excitement, and anticipation in his voice, like he just couldn’t wait to share his joy with me and see my reaction!) mama, mama…guess what, i think my owie is getting better!!!” now, he had said that before…but this time what hit me was his response to what i asked him next…..i said “oh buggy, i am so happy to hear that, which owie is feeling better?” and he looked confused as he looked from his arm, to his hand, back to his leg….hmmm…you could tell he was thinking….he wasn’t sure. so, after a few minutes of deciding… he picked his finger and held it up proudly and with a huge grin…”look mama, it looks better!” whoa. that really hit me. my joy boy was so sure something was getting better, but he didn’t even know what it was yet.
talk about expectant praise. talk about living out your faith. talk about expectant joy. oh, why can’t i be that way more often? especially through this medical drama i have going on….His Word tells us (doesn’t suggest, by the way) to “give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus” (1 Thess 5:18) it also says that the “joy of the Lord is our strength (Neh. 8:10) i could go on and on and on…..but i already know these things. i just love that God also shows us in real life ways how He wants us to react.
He would love if we smiled before our eyes were even open…”this is day that the Lord has made, let us rejoice and be GLAD in it!” (psalm 118:24)
thank you Jesus for this breakfast, i am so grateful!! sooo many people don’t know where their next meal will come from yet i seem to complain because we are out of fruit loops. ugh.
God, i think my owie is getting better! which one? who knows? (You do, Lord) how did it happen to me? who knows? (You do.)
thank you God for loving ME so much. for loving my benjamin and for trusting him to us. may we both shine YOUR joy for all to see. oh that you would call me your “joy girl” someday, Father. amen.

yada yada yada

ya know, the very first episode i ever saw of seinfeld was the finale. i totally didn’t get it. i was like, um, ok what is the big deal? of course, since then i have seen many an episode on re-runs and i get it. not sure what “it” is, but i get it. hence the title of this post. ( i also have been quoted as to saying that i think i have “man-hands” but that’s for a whole other post) i have no agenda tonight, just needed to vent to my void. so, goodnight dear void. (yes, that reminds me of “you’ve got mail” too. classic movie) the beauty of seinfeld is that is was often about nothing. life every day, just normalcy. the significant. the insignificant. all of it.
that is how i am feeling right now. i have so much going on. where do is start? my appointment today went pretty poorly, by my standards at least. still haven’t gotten much “research” from this research hospital. still not much closer to answers, still not much closer to healing, at least from these docs. am closer to God and thankful for that though.
summer rain came tonight. ah, i love, love, love summer rain. the smell. before and after. the kids splashed around and had such a blast. i had a few moments of worry if it was safe with lightning and all, but ryan and i decided it was fine. the kids didn’t halt for a second. remember those days…before you knew better than to stop and wonder if it was safe to do stuff? there’s my sweet benjamin running around in just his birthday suit (don’t worry, he’s only 3 1/2, so it’s still cute) head tilted up trying to catch rain drops without slowing down…no worries, only fun! why oh why don’t grown ups play in the rain. why didn’t i tonight? well i was too exhausted really. oooh, but next time….
love love loved getting to hang out with ryan today. we got to eat lunch together, just us. that was so great. so very great. i ate off my plate. he ate off his. i cut my own food. he cut his. i went to the bathroom……alone. it was great. i could write a whole post about how old i felt with the wide range of teenagers there, so free of school, so in need to wear their college paraphernalia yet look like they just threw it on (oh ya, i recognize it because that was sooo me).
completely overdid it today and feeling the pain tonight. not sure why i do this to myself. i start to feel good…i get a small glimpse of what sort of, kind of normal life could be like again and instead of taking a small bite and savoring it, i go through the dang buffet line three times and have to unbutton my pants afterwards because i feel sick. ugh. i am in pain now and that is pretty much why i decided to write. i should go to sleep. i should have gone to sleep an hour ago, but the sesame street A-Z songs just finished in the monitor and all just became quiet once again and for some reason that God is dealing with…once i start to feel bad again, that is when i worry more. makes sense, i guess. feel good, there’s less to worry about. ahhhh, but i know better than that. boy oh boy do i know better than that. God, you have shown me soooo much about how not to worry over these last months and months, i could write a book about it. oh wait, YOU ALREADY DID….and thankfully i have read the end of the book and yes i will tell the ending, WE WIN! my pastor mentioned that the phrase “fear not” or “do not fear” is written 365 times in the New Testament….and just in case that number didn’t trigger your memory, that just so happens to be the same number of days in a year. coincidence? i think not.
so, here i am, pecking away….telling you all that i am feel awful again, because that is what happens when i walk around my yard and take pictures of the boys playing catch with daddy, then try to help get dinner ready, then eat upright, then change kiddos into jamis….waaaay to much. thankfully sleep helps a lot. thankfully God’s truth helps a WHOLE lot. thankfully…..tomorrow is a new day, where more significant and insignificant things will happen. who knows, maybe i will go to eat lunch at panera and hear “no soup for you!” that would be pretty funny, i suppose. especially if i ordered a panini. 🙂

Utter Blindness

june 1st….still

ok….so here i am, still on the same day and i am already posting another blog. two in one day. (ooooh, those of you who know me well, should know to be afraid, be very afraid) it feels good to be writing again. again, she says? well, kinda. i used to write kids stuff. poems and other fun things. i loved it. still do. maybe i’ll pick that up too. i stopped doing it, because well…i guess life got going, and going, and going….and that got put on the back burner. then, the whole stove got thrown out for a while, it seems. but, really…i was telling one of my very dearest friends today…it feels good to just sit down and pick away at these keys and write. i always have a dialogue in my head. always. no really, i don’t even need the other person….i can have a very fulfilling, witty conversation all on my own. 🙂 if you have known me for any length of time at all, you know i never, i repeat, never, lack for words. in fact, in college, when i was given (ok, no excuses…flat out earned) a D in speech (yes, i met my man that year and also was faced with the fun reality that ‘like, wow, they don’t take roll in college? no way!”) my Dad said something to the effect of “you have been talking since you were two years old and you haven’t shut up since, how the heck (or something like that) did you get a D in speech!?!”
so, here i am writing again. here i am… writing and sitting, asking questions out there to the void. i kinda love not knowing who is going to read this. if anyone does. doesn’t matter really. it feels good to just write. it feels good to write and today wasn’t even a great day really. my man and i flat got on each other’s nerves. mainly because i am selfish. but, also because he is. sometimes we are just oil and water. but we are more than committed to each other. we will not, i repeat WILL NOT, continue the legacy of divorce on to our children, so help us God…and i mean that….SOOOOO HELP US GOD…cause that is the ONLY way we will make it. i’m fairly convinced God is the only reason Ryan didn’t trade me in for a more organized, cleaner, more humble and submissive wife after our two month anniversary, once he really realized what he had fully signed on for. i am thankful he didn’t. and i’m pretty sure he is too. maybe not at this exact moment, but overall, i’m pretty sure. 🙂 God sure knew what He was doing matching Ryan and i up. sooooo many times i have prayed that perfect three word prayer of the holy wife “change him, Lord” and without fail, i pretty much always find something in ME that needs changing. shoot. i know for certain if i had a husband that complimented me over and over every day and fed my every emotional need, that i would not turn to God like i should with my whole heart. i LOVE that God works on Ryan as hard as He works on me. and to be honest, i love that i am realizing a lot with all this “couch-time” lately that all this time, these years we have been together, i’ll be darned if i’m not the one who needs waaaaay more work done to get me where God wants me. and i thought it was always ryan. hmmm. who’d of thunk? i used to tease that when Ryan and i got married, we didn’t have “baggage” like some people do, we had a Uhaul-full each. seems like lately i’m thinking that at least on my side… i should have bought stock in Uhaul. well, you know what they say about hindsight….
tomorrow is yet another appointment at UT Southwestern. this time with the obgyn to see if maybe he can figure out what “else” is wrong with me. God- i am so glad you know every cell in my body. whenever i start to get all worried and flustered about these doctors not knowing what is going on, (which in my nature, is only every few hours or so a day…God is working there too, be sure!) i remember that you THOUGHT UP the idea of DNA….you came up with it. that pretty much tells me that you have this thing covered. and i thank you for that. you promise me in the psalms that you know when i sit and when i lay down, you were there wide-eyed when you formed me in my mother’s womb. you really do love me that much. thank you. today kinda stunk, God. and boy did i blow it in a lot of ways. there were so many times that i absolutely could have acted like Jesus and instead acted like a complete brat. i am sorry for that too. i love you and want to wear your Name well. thankfully….tomorrow is June 2nd and your mercy will be new for me in the morning…GREAT is your faithfulness.

june 1st…

here we are at june 1st….really? i must admit…at the opening of every month, at least lately, i have had a bittersweet moment. actually quite a few. i am proud to announce that today, at least so far…and yes, it is barely even a sunlit morning yet…it is more sweet than bitter. why, you ask? well, at least lately when we have hit february and march, and ESPECIALLY april and then may…the first thought in my mind was, “i can’t believe it is the month of ________ and i am still sick!” surely, i thought i would be better by now. surely. and here we are, and it is june….SUMMER and i am still not well. still no healing. still not “back to my old self” like everyone wishes that i’d be. june. summer. i guarantee that if you would have told me back in NOVEMBER when all this started that i still wouldn’t feel good come summer, i would have not believed you. then, i probably would have cried. that kind of ugly cry that no one likes to be around. i’m glad i didn’t know that then. i couldn’t have handled it then. it’s hard enough handling it now. but at least now, i have God’s grace to sustain me. God’s grace doesn’t go into the future. it is here with me for today.
some of fall, all of winter, all of spring and here i am welcoming in summer…still in pain. still no real answers or an end in sight. sometimes i have to sit real still and concentrate real hard to try and remember what “the old me” was really like. what was it like, for instance…to be able to walk around a grocery store? run an errand with my kiddos? play at the park? go for our daily family walks in the evening? jump on the trampoline? sit upright through a whole church service? ok…..gotta stop, this is when i go to a bad place. i am blessed. God, you are SOOO good. but i gotta admit..the very second you, sovereign God are ready for me to be done with this, i am all about it! your plan is perfect. your way is perfect. thank you for helping me every day to trust you more. thank you for helping me to not grow a bitter heart. and for when i do try to grow it a little, thank you for cutting it up quick! trust me people, it is kinda hard…when all i hear sometimes from people on facebook is how stressed they are because they have too much to do, shopping for fun things, building a new house, going to NRH2O, vacations, running in races…..and meanwhile, on my very best days, i can’t do a load of dishes, change a diaper, put some laundry in…without paying the price. GOD – THANK YOU THAT I CAN SEE. THANK YOU I DON’T HAVE CANCER. THANK YOU MY CHILDREN ARE HEALTHY!!!! THANK YOU MY HUSBAND STILL LOVES ME AND PUTS UP WITH MY JUNK!!!!! as i sit here in my backyard that i have grown to love meeting with God with every day…i am thankful for so much. i am thankful, that here on June 1st, i am not in as much pain as i was on December 1st, or january 1st. no ice pack on my head (for those of you who remember those days 🙂 i am thankful that i can move around some….in fact, i plan to DRIVE MYSELF to my doctor this morning. that is my big event for the morning. but, oh how free-ing (is that a word?) that will be for me. i can’t even tell you. then, this afternoon i have a double dose, i REALLY want to watch the boys at gymnastics and jacob at tball…not sure i can pull them both off, but boy am i going to try! thank you God that i can even fathom sitting up at both of these things today. thank you for kissing only some of the leaves on my trees this morning with your sunlight, it is such a pretty picture. and thank you for psalm 18:30 “as for God, His way is perfect; the Word of the Lord is flawless. He is a shield for ALL who take refuge in Him.” i have absolutely taken refuge in you God. i have taken refuge and taken up residence. i never want to move. your Presence is my peace. thank you. thank you. thank you. welcome June. welcome.

down time…

so here we are…sitting around the house. i love it. i love, love, love having nothing to do. two out of three are napping and we have just be chilin all day. in a world that seems to be ADDICTED to busyness, i love that my man is a homebody. i love that neither of us feel the need to enroll each of our offspring in eight different extra-curricular things by the time they each reach kindergarten. we will not buy into the pill that society is pushing. we love hanging out at our house. we love just playing and hanging out. having no agenda and no rushing around to do. i used to not be so much this way. i have been a social butterfly my whole life. i love being around people. i still do. unfortunately, because of this illness, i have been forced to be home a lot more than i would like. but, that has given me a whole new dose of perspective, that’s for sure. it has given me a whole new dose of a lot of things, but one thing is for sure, i have grown to love down time. i used to hide from it, be allergic to it, and down right fear it. but, now i like just sitting with nothing to do and either staring at my kids when they don’t know i am, watching a mindless show, sitting on my back porch and listening to god talk to me through the multitude of different pitches in the birds that sing to each other ant to me…..all of it is nice. i appreciate it all so much more now. with small kiddos, down time is few and far between. quiet time is rare. which is why i HIGHLY suggest if not down right insist to my pals who are floating (ok, holding onto dear life amidst the turrenitial waves) in the same boat i am of this stage of motherhood…GET UP EARLIER THAN YOUR KIDS AND SPEND THOSE FIRST FEW PRECIOUS, QUIET MOMENTS…YOUR BEST MOMENTS..WITH GOD EACH DAY!!! talk about the only way t make it through the day. amen and amen to that. but for now, it is 2:46 in the afternoon and i hear sweet sister friend fussing…probably threw both her “night-nights” (pacifiers) out of her crib…so for now the down time is over, but it’s all good….because we have not scheduled 149 things to do in the next 3 days. life is good. God is good. maybe after she does finally give in and fall asleep, maybe i’ll go float in the pool and rest. i am feeling decent today, so that would help me feel good. maybe i’ll read. maybe i’ll cuddle with jacob. maybe i’ll nap. maybe i’ll….

graduation

my sweet jacob graduated from kindergarten this past friday. sigh. i can’t get over how big he is. i know it sounds completely cliche, but it truly does just feel like yesterday that i was giving birth to the sweet baby and hearing the charming doctor say, and i quote, “good Lord this kid has a big head!” thanks doc. i hadn’t even pushed him out at that point, so that was such a great thing to hear. seriously though, where in the world did the past five and 2/3 (yes, jacob is keeping track) years go? how did he get so big? and so smart? and his legs so long? and his feet so huge? i used to be able to sit and watch tv with his entire little body tucked up asleep on me from my chin to my belly button. ryan and i used to take turns at who would get to sit with him like that, and he would just lie there on his belly, all tucked up and sleep for hours. that was just the other day, wasn’t it? and now, i’ve blinked and he’s standing on a stage with a bright red cap and gown (yes, i know…caps and gowns for kindergarten graduation, are you kidding me? over the top? maybe. but over the top in the most precious and adorable way!), all big and proud and fine, blowing his kazoo and singing something about how kindergarten was fun and now his time is done….zoom, blink, there went 5 and 2/3 years. of course, i know he is actually doing kindergarten again at “the big school” next year because of his august 31st birthday, we decided this was by far the best choice for him. but still, this whole graduation thing still hit me. hard. my sweet baby boy, my firstborn…so big and grown up. becoming so independent. i can’t help but think sometimes when i go and wake him up in the mornings, i sing my little wake-up song “this is the day that the Lord has made, i will rejoice and be glad in it” and he and benjamin groan and groggily toss and turn…and i scoop them both up, and i honestly think sometimes…how much longer do i have? how long is he going to let me cuddle (or “cuggle” as benjamin says…so cute!) him like this? oh man i dread the day he doesn’t want to cuddle with me. i know it will come. and it should. i don’t want a “mama’s boy”. i want to raise strong, independent young men. but boy oh boy am i soaking up these little boys while i can. cause if these 5 and 2/3 years have gone by this quickly, i am sure the next 5 and 2/3 will go even faster…and oh my goodness gracious, then jacob will be 11 and benjamin will be 9 and God help us all, miss abigail will be 7….sigh. i am so thankful for this time. this little bitty time when they are small and i can pick them up. when they still need me for stuff. does it absolutely wear me out sometimes? no, it absolutely wears me out ALL the time. but God i thank you for it. because i will never get it back. they will never be small again, and so i thank you for times like this that i stop and look at them longer and stare at them..these blessings you have given me. i am beyond blessed. thank you God. thank you.

Here We Go….

Hello, new friend. What a joy it is to be writing to you right now! Just so you know, at this very moment, my toes are squishing in the sandy beaches of Jamaica. My skin is tanning, the exotic birds are chirping, and the ocean waves are the most crystal color of blue your mind could imagine. In fact, these powerful waves are just about lulling me to sleep with their intoxicating rhythm.

Oh, wait. That’s not right. What was I thinking?

I’m really writing to you from my favorite over-stuffed, cozy armchair located on the deck of my family’s 85-year-old log cabin. All snuggled up under a quilt hand-made by my great-grandmother, I warm my soul with each purposeful sip of coffee. Taking in the majestic views of snow-capped mountains in every direction, I can tell you, friend, it is simply breath-taking.

Uh, oh. Wait just a minute. I don’t really like the ocean…and I definitely don’t drink coffee. Ok, just give me a second…

Confession time. The true story is that I’m staring at the outdated popcorn ceilings and 1980’s paneled walls in my living room. My current view is neither a beachfront nor a mountainside, but instead, my TV screen paused on the 350^th episode of Dora the Explorer my tired Mommy-eyes have seen this week. Friend, I must confess to you that I have only dreamt of breathing in the crisp ocean-air or cuddling up nice and cozy as I take in the view of God’s beautiful mountain creations.

In reality, I am writing to you from…my couch.

Kind of anti-climactic, I know. I’m sorry about that. But, is this a shock to me? Nope… not so much. This comes as no surprise to me, at least, because I have been lying flat on my couch for the better part of the last seven months. That’s right, seven months.

I know what you’re thinking…“I saw your picture on your site. You’re fairly young and normal looking. Why, in the world have you been lying down that long?”

Oh dear friend, how much time do you have? I do suggest you get comfortable.

It all started three years ago when I got viral meningitis from my then one-year-old son. Thankfully, his body reacted well to it and he was fine within a week. I, however, was hospitalized for over two weeks which was just the beginning. You may be like I used to be; a medical ignoramous. So, I will tell you that meningitis is when an infection (either viral or bacterial) attacks your spinal fluid. It can be completely awful, and in some cases, completely deadly. In order to see if I had this terrible infection, I was severely shot six times in my back for the spinal tap. I used to say I was “pricked” six times, but if you’ve ever had a spinal tap, you know “pricked” just doesn’t cut it. That left me with severe headaches and a spinal fluid leak. Lovely.

Friend, I hope you’re not drifting away on a lifeboat amidst the waves in this Medical Jargon Sea? If so, how about this…have you ever had a tire go flat due to a slow leak? That is how I describe the leaking spinal fluid in my back. Basically, the protective lining around my spinal cord was turned into a pin cushion. Ouch. Then, a painful procedure called an “epidural blood patch” was performed to remedy the issue. This, would be like my very own “fix-a-flat” inside my back. Again, OUCH! But, the procedure worked (the second time) and I was able to sit upright again. You see, friend, if my “tire” is leaking every time I sit upright and have gravity fighting against me, then the strangest thing happens…my brain, that was once cushioned by spinal fluid, so nicely in my skull just as God designed, begins to sag, causing major problems and major pain.

But, after months of procedures, fighting with and against doctors and insurance, I got better; relatively speaking. Then, two years later, it all came back…and then some. Somehow, I got a spontaneous leak and was, once again, physically unable to sit upright…at…all. Just so you know, this is not a “Gee, my head hurts a bit, I should lie down” kind of problem. This is a stop-you-in-your-tracks kind of pain that feels like someone is pulling you to the ground by the back of your head. I couldn’t sit or stand upright for more than five minutes before the severe pain kicked in. And with it, came numbness, throat swelling and all types of other neurological issues. The remedy? Stay flat. All. Day. Long.

So, that is what I did.

All.

Day.

Long.

While multiple doctors tried to figure out what was wrong with me, I watched every HGTV show known to man and gave up my happy, “normal” life. Then, my pituitary gland quit working correctly. “What the heck is a pituitary gland?” you are probably asking yourself. Stay afloat here, that was my thought exactly! But, as a result, I am now taking more steroids than any bodybuilder could dream up. No, not the same “I want to pump (clap!) you up!” kind of steroids…but vicious, just the same. And as if that wasn’t enough, (I know, I know, I’m almost done!) all this trauma to my once-healthy and athletic body has caused many other random problems that I will simply spare you the details of. You’re welcome.

So, new friend, maybe now you can see why I have lived the better part of the last seven months flat on my couch. And, just in case you were wondering, yes, I have formed a permanent divot into one cushion of what used to be a fairly nice sectional. Not only have I been unable to be upright, but I haven’t been able to function much at all, really. Unable to drive a car. Unable to cook a meal. Unable to raise my three adorable kiddos. Unable to live my “normal” life. Unable to just…be…me.

“Why is this happening?”

“Why am I not better yet?”

“Why in the world can’t the numerous doctors I have seen figure this thing out?”

To be honest, friend, I have absolutely no stinkin’ idea. But, I do know God. And I do know He is good, all the time. He can’t be anything but that. And, no, this isn’t what I’m supposed to say to you while I’m standing tall, hands on my hips, as my “Super Christian” cape flaps boldly in the wind. Remember, friend, I can’t stand up. So…just know that this is the real-life truth that I have clung to so fiercely that my knuckles have been white for months. He is the real deal. Period.

So…I have decided to start writing. To be honest, I needed to months ago. Really, I did. I love to write. I talk way too much. I simply have more words to use in any given day than the normal person, that’s all. My poor sweet husband! On top of that, I’ve had waaaaaay too much “me time” lately with my social calendar coming to an utter, screeching halt. Being a truly social personality, this has been brutal. Just. Plain. Brutal.

So, hopefully writing will be a good release for me. More importantly, I hope for this to be a good release for you.

“Why would this chick care about me?” you may be thinking.

Well, that is simple. God tells me to. Period. Since all of this has happened, God has given me a beautiful gift. It’s a little something I like to call…perspective. Not just normal perspective, but p-e-r-s-p-e-c-t-i-v-e. Often, He has shown Himself to me so blatantly, in both the strangest and most common of circumstances. And, throughout all of this, He has grown in me such a heart for everyone to look for Him too; everywhere.

Your life may have a different kind of drama, but I assure you, it has drama. Take a minute and think honestly about your world. Can you truly say it doesn’t contain quite a bit of drama? You could be in denial, like I used to be and pride yourself on being a “save the drama for your Mama” kind of person. Yep, that was me, too. But, not so much anymore. Now, I am the drama. Lord, help me.

So, as we begin, let me assure you that the entire point of this blog is to show you that praising God is what we are called to do, no matter what. Praise Him when things are good. Praise Him when things are awful. Praise Him when the piggy bank is full. Praise Him when the pantry is empty and your tummy is even emptier. And, for me, even praise Him from your couch, day after day, week after week, month after month, while the world travels around in circles just…fine…without…you.

I will praise Him for His love, His faithfulness and mainly for sticking with me through it all and not giving up on my scrawny neck. In spite of my pity parties…and my worry fits…and my “Why me, God?” moments that happen way too often…He is still here.

So, this is where you and I begin. Welcome, friend. I’m thrilled you’re here with me on this journey. I must warn you though, I’m not sure what you’re getting yourself into. But, that’s ok, because I’m not sure what I’m getting myself into, either. We’ll be in this thing together. You, Me, and our great God.

So, I guess all I have left to say is…here…we…go…