caroline holzberger

Keepin' it real about motherhood, Jesus, life, and everything in between.

yada yada yada

ya know, the very first episode i ever saw of seinfeld was the finale. i totally didn’t get it. i was like, um, ok what is the big deal? of course, since then i have seen many an episode on re-runs and i get it. not sure what “it” is, but i get it. hence the title of this post. ( i also have been quoted as to saying that i think i have “man-hands” but that’s for a whole other post) i have no agenda tonight, just needed to vent to my void. so, goodnight dear void. (yes, that reminds me of “you’ve got mail” too. classic movie) the beauty of seinfeld is that is was often about nothing. life every day, just normalcy. the significant. the insignificant. all of it.
that is how i am feeling right now. i have so much going on. where do is start? my appointment today went pretty poorly, by my standards at least. still haven’t gotten much “research” from this research hospital. still not much closer to answers, still not much closer to healing, at least from these docs. am closer to God and thankful for that though.
summer rain came tonight. ah, i love, love, love summer rain. the smell. before and after. the kids splashed around and had such a blast. i had a few moments of worry if it was safe with lightning and all, but ryan and i decided it was fine. the kids didn’t halt for a second. remember those days…before you knew better than to stop and wonder if it was safe to do stuff? there’s my sweet benjamin running around in just his birthday suit (don’t worry, he’s only 3 1/2, so it’s still cute) head tilted up trying to catch rain drops without slowing down…no worries, only fun! why oh why don’t grown ups play in the rain. why didn’t i tonight? well i was too exhausted really. oooh, but next time….
love love loved getting to hang out with ryan today. we got to eat lunch together, just us. that was so great. so very great. i ate off my plate. he ate off his. i cut my own food. he cut his. i went to the bathroom……alone. it was great. i could write a whole post about how old i felt with the wide range of teenagers there, so free of school, so in need to wear their college paraphernalia yet look like they just threw it on (oh ya, i recognize it because that was sooo me).
completely overdid it today and feeling the pain tonight. not sure why i do this to myself. i start to feel good…i get a small glimpse of what sort of, kind of normal life could be like again and instead of taking a small bite and savoring it, i go through the dang buffet line three times and have to unbutton my pants afterwards because i feel sick. ugh. i am in pain now and that is pretty much why i decided to write. i should go to sleep. i should have gone to sleep an hour ago, but the sesame street A-Z songs just finished in the monitor and all just became quiet once again and for some reason that God is dealing with…once i start to feel bad again, that is when i worry more. makes sense, i guess. feel good, there’s less to worry about. ahhhh, but i know better than that. boy oh boy do i know better than that. God, you have shown me soooo much about how not to worry over these last months and months, i could write a book about it. oh wait, YOU ALREADY DID….and thankfully i have read the end of the book and yes i will tell the ending, WE WIN! my pastor mentioned that the phrase “fear not” or “do not fear” is written 365 times in the New Testament….and just in case that number didn’t trigger your memory, that just so happens to be the same number of days in a year. coincidence? i think not.
so, here i am, pecking away….telling you all that i am feel awful again, because that is what happens when i walk around my yard and take pictures of the boys playing catch with daddy, then try to help get dinner ready, then eat upright, then change kiddos into jamis….waaaay to much. thankfully sleep helps a lot. thankfully God’s truth helps a WHOLE lot. thankfully…..tomorrow is a new day, where more significant and insignificant things will happen. who knows, maybe i will go to eat lunch at panera and hear “no soup for you!” that would be pretty funny, i suppose. especially if i ordered a panini. 🙂

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One thought on “yada yada yada

  1. Antique Mommy on said:

    Oh how I wish this thing that besets you would go away, even though… there is a deepness and richness and a clarity and closeness and even a certain wisdom that comes with suffering. And yes, there are few things more delightful than an 3YO – a little dose of sweet medicine. 🙂

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