caroline holzberger

Keepin' it real about motherhood, Jesus, life, and everything in between.

Ding! The Time is Now 10:21pm

I am such a bizarre person.

It seems I often start my blogs with some sort of confession like this. I am not completely sure if it’s because I am reminding you or consoling myself. Either way, the statement has been made. And it is fact.

One of the many, many insert twelve more manys odd things about me is that I have this uncanny ability to convince myself of the time. This mainly happens at night when I have stayed up faaar too late. Whether I’ve gotten cought up on Friends re-runs. Oh the wardrobe those first few seasons. Was is really that cool to wear those button up mid-driif shirts that tie in front? Really? Or maybe I am writing. Like the other night when God gave me wisdom from Tom Petty. Or maybe I am wasting my life away on facebook trying desperately to catch up on those I love but never see and those I love and always see.

Regardless of the culprit, I have, on many occassions been able to avoid eye contact with the clock and convince myself – the time is now 10:21.

It’s not even that late. I can go to sleep now and still get eight solid hours.

Only 10:21.

Not even that late.

I will literally do this over and over in my head, as I mindlessly sit through yet another episode laughing at Joey and Phoebe.

My delusion doesn’t change the actual time. Well, in my world it does, but in the real world it does not.

The time really is 12:53am, you fool. Look at the stinking clock.

But, I don’t.

Instead I live in denial. I replay these words over and over in my head. Then eventually, I lie my head down on my pillow, completely assured I will still get a decent night’s sleep.

Anyone wanna chip in for my therapy fund?

Here’s the deal. I want to stay up. I know it is getting later, but I choose not to care. That’s the bottom line. I want to do whatever it is I’m doing. I don’t want to stop doing it, simply because I should go to bed. So, I convince myself it’s fine. It’s not late. I’m fine.

Again, anyone? Every small donation helps.

Can you relate to this at all? No, you’re a lunatic, Caroline.

Do you have something, anything in your life that you convince yourself is true? I can personally relate, in some form or fashion, to every one of the following thoughts. They have been mine. Have they been  yours?

I do need five different pairs of black pants. They fit differently.  Some are casual and some are dressy. Never mind that I have literally thirty-six other pairs of pants. That’s irrelevant. What happens if I need to wear black ones all in the same week?? See? I need them.

I don’t have to tithe every single month. I mean, who does that, really? After the upstairs remodel, we are cash short. We give more than most people anyway. Besides, I donated some stuff to Good Will this month, that’ll count. Shoot, I gotta find that receipt so I can write it off.

This ice cream or margarita is exactly what I need right now. Like, need. it. Plus, I deserve it. I’ve had a long day. I won’t eat too much. I have been good all week. It won’t add to my weight. I’m pretty healthy. I had two vegetables on Thursday. It isn’t a big deal. What’s one ok, three little scoops??

Ok, so maybe I don’t spend that much time actually hanging out with my kids? They love their Wii and iPhones, how do I compete with that? Besides, I’ve gotta check out that cute thing for the dining room I saw on Pinterest. We only have thirty minutes before I have to drag them all around town for their practices and games. I just want some peace and quiet today ok, every day after work. I know! I’ll let them pick their favorite movie to watch in the car!

I don’t actually have to get out in this world and serve people. I volunteer at church as a greeter once every other month. I’m good. Besides, who has the time? With work, soccer, dance, karate, and our planning our Vegas trip coming up, I literally do not have time. I’m sure if I had more time, I would do it. It’s not like it’s that big of a deal. Not everyone is called to help the needy. It’s just not my calling.

Friend, can I please say this with love…could you turn your love ears on?? Because I genuinely care about you. Your heart. Your defenses that may be trying to raise walls right now.

Jesus wants more for us.

He wants us to receive the peace that comes from fully living in His will for our lives. Caring about what matter to Him. Shining His love to everyone we see. Yes, everyone. The custodian at the kid’s school. The teenager with circus rings in his ear lobes at the McDonald’s drive-thru. The homeless guy on the side of the road. The pregnant waitress at your favorite restaurant, who can’t possibly be a day over 18.

This is a big job, this whole living like Jesus thing.

It’s not for the lazy.

It’s not for the complacent.

It’s not for the selfish.

It’s not for the judgmental.

Jesus was none of those things.

This life. This beautiful, peaceful, precious gift of a life you’ve been given is for so much more.

It’s for the joy despite your circumstances.

It’s for the certainty of faith not based on what you can see.

It’s for the compassionate heart for those in need.

It is for the honest conviction of what is right and wrong, NOT based on this world, but based on His Word.

It’s for the willingness to stand up for what is True and not get sucked into the warped version of the American Christian.

It’s for the love of the only Savior who can help any single one of us.

How much longer can we choose not to care?

Let’s wake up, friends. Shall we?

Let’s stop deceiving ourselves.

Let’s look at the fr-eak-ing clock.

The time is not 10:21.

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One thought on “Ding! The Time is Now 10:21pm

  1. Claudia on said:

    Girl, you need to stop reading my mind on some of these points! I have asked God to make me more intentional. Since then, while working with the public I make the most of the opportunities. The Lord will some how free up a few minutes or hours here and there to make time to bless someone else. Just like when you were in line for icecream. You never know how a few minutes could change someones whole life.

    The Lord knows the desires of your heart and mostly the season of your life and will give those opportunities to love on others accordingly…

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