caroline holzberger

Keepin' it real about motherhood, Jesus, life, and everything in between.

june 1st….still

ok….so here i am, still on the same day and i am already posting another blog. two in one day. (ooooh, those of you who know me well, should know to be afraid, be very afraid) it feels good to be writing again. again, she says? well, kinda. i used to write kids stuff. poems and other fun things. i loved it. still do. maybe i’ll pick that up too. i stopped doing it, because well…i guess life got going, and going, and going….and that got put on the back burner. then, the whole stove got thrown out for a while, it seems. but, really…i was telling one of my very dearest friends today…it feels good to just sit down and pick away at these keys and write. i always have a dialogue in my head. always. no really, i don’t even need the other person….i can have a very fulfilling, witty conversation all on my own. 🙂 if you have known me for any length of time at all, you know i never, i repeat, never, lack for words. in fact, in college, when i was given (ok, no excuses…flat out earned) a D in speech (yes, i met my man that year and also was faced with the fun reality that ‘like, wow, they don’t take roll in college? no way!”) my Dad said something to the effect of “you have been talking since you were two years old and you haven’t shut up since, how the heck (or something like that) did you get a D in speech!?!”
so, here i am writing again. here i am… writing and sitting, asking questions out there to the void. i kinda love not knowing who is going to read this. if anyone does. doesn’t matter really. it feels good to just write. it feels good to write and today wasn’t even a great day really. my man and i flat got on each other’s nerves. mainly because i am selfish. but, also because he is. sometimes we are just oil and water. but we are more than committed to each other. we will not, i repeat WILL NOT, continue the legacy of divorce on to our children, so help us God…and i mean that….SOOOOO HELP US GOD…cause that is the ONLY way we will make it. i’m fairly convinced God is the only reason Ryan didn’t trade me in for a more organized, cleaner, more humble and submissive wife after our two month anniversary, once he really realized what he had fully signed on for. i am thankful he didn’t. and i’m pretty sure he is too. maybe not at this exact moment, but overall, i’m pretty sure. 🙂 God sure knew what He was doing matching Ryan and i up. sooooo many times i have prayed that perfect three word prayer of the holy wife “change him, Lord” and without fail, i pretty much always find something in ME that needs changing. shoot. i know for certain if i had a husband that complimented me over and over every day and fed my every emotional need, that i would not turn to God like i should with my whole heart. i LOVE that God works on Ryan as hard as He works on me. and to be honest, i love that i am realizing a lot with all this “couch-time” lately that all this time, these years we have been together, i’ll be darned if i’m not the one who needs waaaaay more work done to get me where God wants me. and i thought it was always ryan. hmmm. who’d of thunk? i used to tease that when Ryan and i got married, we didn’t have “baggage” like some people do, we had a Uhaul-full each. seems like lately i’m thinking that at least on my side… i should have bought stock in Uhaul. well, you know what they say about hindsight….
tomorrow is yet another appointment at UT Southwestern. this time with the obgyn to see if maybe he can figure out what “else” is wrong with me. God- i am so glad you know every cell in my body. whenever i start to get all worried and flustered about these doctors not knowing what is going on, (which in my nature, is only every few hours or so a day…God is working there too, be sure!) i remember that you THOUGHT UP the idea of DNA….you came up with it. that pretty much tells me that you have this thing covered. and i thank you for that. you promise me in the psalms that you know when i sit and when i lay down, you were there wide-eyed when you formed me in my mother’s womb. you really do love me that much. thank you. today kinda stunk, God. and boy did i blow it in a lot of ways. there were so many times that i absolutely could have acted like Jesus and instead acted like a complete brat. i am sorry for that too. i love you and want to wear your Name well. thankfully….tomorrow is June 2nd and your mercy will be new for me in the morning…GREAT is your faithfulness.

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