caroline holzberger

Grounded ‘Til I’m 21

Seriously?!?

Eight is Enough

couch / recliner….tomato / tomahto

have you ever experienced something differently than someone else?

it’s a stupid (excuse me, silly) question, i am sure.

let me give you an example or two (ok, maybe five)…

my sweet ryan and i loved the movie (and the soundtrack!) “oh, brother where art thou?”. we still will watch it, years later, whenever it comes on tv. some of you may say, “amen! me too, that movie was random and fun!” whereas, others of you may no longer want to be my friend.

same thing. we just see it differently.

i used to teach middle school. (some of you are groaanning. uuggghhh middle school.) yes, that’s right. 8th grade…math. (now you are just sweating a bit and getting nervous) ugh, math? yes, math. i loved it. algebra rocks!! 🙂 now i know some of you think i’ve lost it.

once again…same thing, we just see it differently.

maybe it isn’t how you experience something in particular. perhaps you just say things differently than others. for instance, i used to teach for birdville independent (i just spelled that word wrong, fyi! 🙂 nope, i clearly did not teach english!) school district. not a hard thing to say. bird+ville is pretty phonetic (darn, i got that one wrong too!) but when i actually started working there and was around other people who also worked there, i found out very quickly that i had been pronouncing it wrong this whole time. i hadn’t been teaching for birdville isd. instead, i taught for “burvul” isd. no lie. that is how people say it. there is no “d” in bird and there are really just a lot of “uh” sounds. what i thought was “bird+ville” was in reality, “bur+vul”. hilarious.

even just the other morning, my dear sweet friend was driving me to Bible study and we were being silly and well, random…and we started talking about our common (and complete) lack of directional skills. like, seriously…it’s a darn near miracle we even made it to church. anyway…she was talking about how fun it is to have her little gps (“ginger”) in her van and how “lovely” she is when she speaks, because my friend has it set on a british accent. so fun! french? now that would be confusing, but british, that’s just plain fun! and that led us to discussing (we are both fairly ADD, so stay with me here) her i-phone and how it has voice command. we were laughing about how it will say people’s names wrong. she will press the button and ask it to call someone, and the phone registers the call but then repeats the name back to her totally wrong. well, that sounded fun, so now it was a game. i said “let’s try me!” (yes, girls, i used to be a sanders. perfectly normal! never had to spell it. never had to sound it out for people. but, like i always say, that’s what i get for falling in love.:) so she pressed the button, and clearly said “call caroline holzberger” (pronounced “caroLINE holes-burger” just so you know) and we sat…and we waited a few seconds…anxiously and excitedly…and, i might add, more quietly than we’d ever been together….then we heard it repeat back “calling car-o-LYN halls-burge(like merge)-ur” he he he he. i’ve heard a lot of mistakes with my last name, but this was a first!

and although i’ve drawn this out far too long already, i must say that my favorite story is from a few years back when i was trying to find a new hair chick. (aka hairdresser) and i called my sweet friend rebecca on the phone and asked her for a reference. (she has great hair so i knew i’d be ok.) she happily told me about her hair chick named “La’-WREN” (or at least that’s how she pronounced it.) i was like, “oooh, sounds fancy…is she cheap?” once i happily found out about her low prices, i asked for the digits, cause i’ll be honest, i needed to make an appointment, quick! my roots were more like long, tall brown trees at this point. and she loves me (and probably didn’t want to be seen in public with me at that point)…so she gave me the phone number and then i asked “now, how do you spell her name?? what is it, “La’-WREN” is that right?” ya know, cause i was writing it down and all, and didn’t want to spell it wrong. so she said “yep, that’s right, her name is La’-WREN and it is spelled… (brace yourself) “L-A-U-R-E-N”. (insert long pause as i’m writing it down and then reading it and re-reading it…hmmm?” i could help it, i said “um, nope, friend, that’s lauren.” we giggled and she told me that no, although spelled like lauren, it was pronounced “La’-WREN”. i mean, stop. seriously? so, just for kicks, since that day, we have affectionately called each other (instead of rebecca and caroline, which is clearly too boring) we are now…REE-beh-KAH and CAR-o-leen. gotta love it.

now, what in the world (you are clearly wondering by now) does this have to do with you or maybe even at some point, God?? well, i’ve put it off long enough, friend. so, i will explain.

for the last two months i have been living a fairly normal life. at least, for me. i have been taking the kids to school…volunteering when i could in their classes…running errands if needed….even cooking a couple “real” meals each week. (for those of you who’ve known me a while, i will proudly admit to you that i am, as of lately, the proud owner of the following: apple cider vinegar, soy sauce, minced garlic, ricotta cheese and onion powder. and i know how to use them. not in the same recipe of course, that would be awful!) anyway…i would very enthusiastically say that life has been good. and…it still is good. it is just not the same. you see friend…i am back on the couch. again. because i am leaking…again.

well, technically i am not on the couch, persay. hence the title of this post. a few months ago, my sweet husband rearranged our living room one evening while i was across the street with friends (you can’t leave the man alone…he will move things, paint things or clean things. he can’t be still for too long. he’s crazy. but, i sure am crazy about him!) anyway…our couch doesn’t face the tv where i can lie down on it longways anymore. so, friends…i have officially moved to the recliner. flat back in the recliner. it isn’t the couch. but, really, it might as well be. couch / recliner….tomato / tomahto.

it started just a few days ago. those same, all-too-familiar symptoms that i had hoped, and believed, i would never feel again. i knew i had been overdoing it. and for me and my world, i really had. for me. but, i still rested well most nights and drank plenty of water so i just chalked it up to me trying to get this big ol’ body back in shape and back into the swing of things. but, then i started getting the gravity-pulling and swelling headaches. only when i was upright. and then, if ignored it too long, i would get the twitching eye and the swelling in my tongue and throat and all the other neurological symptoms i used to get. this is when i knew my brain was no longer being cushioned by spinal fluid like God designed it, but instead, was sagging into my spinal column. i tried to ignore it. for a couple days i told myself, and my loved ones, that i just needed to rest more and i would be fine. well, friend…i rested more and i wasn’t fine. i knew i wasn’t. but, for me, denial was a safe place to be…even if ever-so-briefly. but, finally i had to admit it to myself. then to ryan. nothing is really real until i tell it to ryan. then to my folks, and my best friends and prayer warriors. and now you. i have a spinal fluid leak…again. i am back to the couch…er, recliner. again. 

i thought it would maybe happen again someday…maybe. but, i’ll be honest with you (cause that helps me be honest with me) that i had kinda made a deal in my head with God about it all. without really being aware of it, i had told Him that now that i was well, i would write and speak or whatever plans He had for me, because i knew He wouldn’t make me go through it all again. i just knew it. He knew i didn’t want to. He knew how much i’d grown through it and so surely He wouldn’t allow it again. He loved me too much.

i might as well have been jonah.

darn that ol’ jonah. he was a prophet of God. he probably got first place in the local speed old testament memory races tournament. he knew his stuff. and, he actually heard from God. like, heard Him. but, when God told him where HE wanted him to go…jonah…said…no.

i’ve heard it said a few times in a few different ways and i can’t remember where (this is loosely translated by me)….that the mountains will stand up and walk if the Lord says “Go!” they will go right into the sea. and that same sea, it only goes just far enough. the Lord commanded that ol’ sea to “Stop!” right there and it obeyed. the stars sit still exactly where He chose to place them. they do not waiver. they do not complain that they aren’t in a different part of the sky. the winds and the rain sit…anxiously awaiting….for the Creator to say “NOW!” and then they are off to do their designed job. the beast of the field does not say to the Lord “i want to fly.” nor the bird of the air dread the fact that it cannot swim to the depths of the ocean floor. everything in all creation obeys His command. that is, everything but one. and friend, that is you and me. that’s right, we are the only ones who dare to look right in the face of the One who created all of this and more and we…say…”NO!”

ugh.

i don’t want this to be me. i don’t want to jonah this up.

i have been a part of a study by the wonderful Priscilla Shirer on this short little four chapter book for the last couple months. it has been amazing. i mean…i knew the story. every kid who has ever sat in front of a flannel graph board knows the story. jonah didn’t do what God asked him to do. so then jonah got swallowed by the whale (“big fish”, actually). and then God protected him. and then he got spit out. so, you need to obey God! now, let’s pray and go have graham crackers and apple juice. the end. ooohh friend, that is sooo not the end. it is a great place to start when you are four years old. but, it is not the end. and i’m no longer four years old. over these last months, i have learned so much about where jonah was going…why he didn’t want to go…what exactly he tried to do to avoid it…how God had darn near wiped the man out but then offered grace instead…how he got spit out on the very dry land he ran from, just to begin the long journey he had tried to avoid…what amazing transformation God did in the lives of the many, many people he went to see, inspite of himself…and how he still, even at the end of this little book…we still aren’t sure if he really got the heart issue that God so desperately wanted him to. oh friend, it is so much more than a man and a big fish. it is really about a man and a big God.

so, i am especially thankful for this study, because it has helped me during these last few days that have been filled with flashes of…

“why would God allow this to happen again? i mean, seriously, it has been FOUR times now, God. really!?!”

“you just thought the last time was bad, this time will be worse. it can only get worse, right?”

“four months. that’s all the “well” i get. oh man, did i even enjoy it like i could have? the answer is and emphatic, no.”

“God, i thought we were done with this. i thought that you healed me so i could tell everyone all about how you healed me. now, what am i supposed to do? i can’t start. all. over. i just can’t.”

“i can’t even look my family and close friends in the eye, because i know they must be thinking “oh great, here we go again!” i just can’t do it.” and to be honest, i can’t hardly blame them.

“i do not want to learn this lesson again, Lord. what in the world did i do wrong the first time? or the second? or goodness gracious, the third?”

“awesome…more medical bills. what in the world? we are trying to honor you God by not having debt, by sacrificing financially so that i can be home with our kids and not working during these young, crucial, and precious years…and yet we still can’t seem to catch a break!”

friend, can you relate to this at all?? well, can you? i mean it. i want you to think. can you relate to being overwhelmed with emotions that you had safely tucked away for a while and hoped/assumed/prayed you’d never feel again. ever.

have you faced something again, that looks just the same as you remember it before?

maybe the man you fell in love with all those years ago has come home once again and said “i just need to get a different job.”

maybe you get another phone call from your grown kid who needs to bailed out, again. but, promises this is the last time. they promise!

maybe you go on a blind date again. and again, it is with a “great guy that loves the Lord” but, once again, you climb into your bed alone that night in your flannel pj’s fearing you will be alone forever.

maybe you finally start being able to save a few dollars here and there and then WHAMMO! you get hit with something expensive again, just to fall back down where you started. again.

same thing. again. it just looks differently.

well, friend. i get it. trust me, i get it. and although i do not AT ALL want to assume i know your feelings or the extent of your pain. i can assure you, i know mine. and it ain’t pretty. but, what i love about God is that He takes me and all my “ain’t pretty” junk. He happily takes it. all of it.

He takes my anger. He takes my joy. He takes my grown up hissy fits. (and there have been many! even today!) He takes my fears and my worries. He takes my insecurities that no one else can even believe that i have. well, He knows it and He takes it all. every. single. time.

and i write to you now because it helps me just deal. ya know? telling you that He is good reminds me that He is good. telling you that He’s in control reminds me that He’s in control. telling you that He has a plan for you reminds me that he has a plan for me, too.

as i began this next week (the final week) of the jonah Bible study homework…the first page for day one was titled “making deals with God”. i read that (already flat on my recliner for two days) and thought, gee…this won’t relate to me at all. ugh.

i read all about jonah and how he was angry with God for allowing the very thing he didn’t want to happen (grace extended to those evil ol’ Ninevites) to actually happen. i can relate to that. God doesn’t go with my plan very much, much to my dismay sometimes. in fact, in the video session, Priscilla even said…”i think sometimes we say “your will be done God, not mine” but what we really mean is, “God, i really just want your stamp or approval on my will. in fact, i would really just like it if you could sprinkle your blessings all over what i’ve got all worked out here. thank you very much” ouch. that would be me. so…for the record, i then jumped ahead to look at the sub-titles for that day’s homework. they were “dealing with displeasure” and “adult temper tantrums”. ok, now i just laughed out loud.

at the end of the homework, there were three questions to ask yourself…they were:
1. are you becoming aware of a “deal” you’ve made with God?
um, yes…i am quite sure i was clear, God, that once i was better this time, i’d really use the gift you’ve given me and tell them all about it. just don’t let this happen again, ok? thanks. love, me.
2. are you seeking to control/manipulate God in any way?
hmm, gee, that’s a tough one. not. i am competely wanting to do that in every area, thank you very much.
3. are you disappointed with God because of an outcome He has allowed?
oh man, don’t get me started.

so, once i sort of digested all of that…i realized that we were doing this again. we were back on the couch or recliner, whatever you want to call it. i realized that denial is not a safe place to be, after all. in fact, i bet if you asked jonah, he would say it smells kinda fishy there. kinda “big fishy”, actually. so, here we go. again. (again, again, again, again…actually)

just like you…i have a choice. i can choose to stay mad and resentful toward God. or, i can choose to trust Him and obey Him. it really is that simple, friend…for you and for me. and i am going to try and do the latter. i sure pray that you do too, friend.

so, for those of you who have been faithfully wearing holes in the knees of your pants praying for me for so many months and months and years and years…i’m asking you once again to get out those holey..er, holy (he,he, he…sorry, i couldn’t resist. i am still me, after all) pants and start back up again. i spoke with my doctor today and we will begin the process of contacting specialists and running new tests. and once again, we shall see. but, for your prayers…i wholeheartedly and humbly thank you.

and for those of you who are dealing with any of the situations i mentioned before, or maybe something different and even worse than i can imagine. i want to leave you with a set of chapters to read from the book of job. ( i know, i know…everyone always wants you to read job in times if trials. trust me, i get it!) and this is long…but, really…read this. all of you. good times or bad, happy or sad. when we are tempted to come at God with our anger and entitlement…i think it’s something that we ALL need to be reminded of, myself especially. we all need to be humbly reminded of. and be thankful for. as hard as it is, we need to try and be thankful. He is in control and we are not. He can handle it and we cannot. we need to look at each of these beautifully descriptive verses and remember that He did it all. we did nothing. we need to remember and we need to trust in that. i will try. i hope you will too!

for the record, this version is from The Message Bible, which i usually don’t use, but this time i am. this time, it was read to me on the jonah video session, by Priscilla Shirer. so, i recommend that you read it out loud to yourself. sounds silly, i know, but it is powerful. it is a powerful reminder that no matter where you are…couch…recliner…or neither. God is God. we are not. He invented the tomato and the tomahto. He is the One. period. there is no other way to say it. say Jehovah or Yahweh or Adonai. He is the One. period.

love, love…..

job 38-40
 ¹ And now, finally, God answered Job from the eye of a violent storm. He said:  ^2-11 “Why do you confuse the issue?
   Why do you talk without knowing what you’re talking about?
Pull yourself together, Job!
   Up on your feet! Stand tall!
I have some questions for you,
   and I want some straight answers.
Where were you when I created the earth?
   Tell me, since you know so much!
Who decided on its size? Certainly you’ll know that!
   Who came up with the blueprints and measurements?
How was its foundation poured,
   and who set the cornerstone,
While the morning stars sang in chorus
   and all the angels shouted praise?
And who took charge of the ocean
   when it gushed forth like a baby from the womb?
That was me! I wrapped it in soft clouds,
   and tucked it in safely at night.
Then I made a playpen for it,
   a strong playpen so it couldn’t run loose,
And said, ‘Stay here, this is your place.
   Your wild tantrums are confined to this place.’

 ^12-15 “And have you ever ordered Morning, ‘Get up!’
   told Dawn, ‘Get to work!’
So you could seize Earth like a blanket
   and shake out the wicked like cockroaches?
As the sun brings everything to light,
   brings out all the colors and shapes,
The cover of darkness is snatched from the wicked—
   they’re caught in the very act!

 ^16-18 “Have you ever gotten to the true bottom of things,
   explored the labyrinthine caves of deep ocean?
Do you know the first thing about death?
   Do you have one clue regarding death’s dark mysteries?
And do you have any idea how large this earth is?
   Speak up if you have even the beginning of an answer.

 ^19-21 “Do you know where Light comes from
   and where Darkness lives
So you can take them by the hand
   and lead them home when they get lost?
Why, of course you know that.
   You’ve known them all your life,
   grown up in the same neighborhood with them!

 ^22-30 “Have you ever traveled to where snow is made,
   seen the vault where hail is stockpiled,
The arsenals of hail and snow that I keep in readiness
   for times of trouble and battle and war?
Can you find your way to where lightning is launched,
   or to the place from which the wind blows?
Who do you suppose carves canyons
   for the downpours of rain, and charts
   the route of thunderstorms
That bring water to unvisited fields,
   deserts no one ever lays eyes on,
Drenching the useless wastelands
   so they’re carpeted with wildflowers and grass?
And who do you think is the father of rain and dew,
   the mother of ice and frost?
You don’t for a minute imagine
   these marvels of weather just happen, do you?

 ^31-33 “Can you catch the eye of the beautiful Pleiades sisters,
   or distract Orion from his hunt?
Can you get Venus to look your way,
   or get the Great Bear and her cubs to come out and play?
Do you know the first thing about the sky’s constellations
   and how they affect things on Earth?

 ^34-35 “Can you get the attention of the clouds,
   and commission a shower of rain?
Can you take charge of the lightning bolts
   and have them report to you for orders?

What Do You Have to Say for Yourself?

 ^36-38 “Who do you think gave weather-wisdom to the ibis,
   and storm-savvy to the rooster?
Does anyone know enough to number all the clouds
   or tip over the rain barrels of heaven
When the earth is cracked and dry,
   the ground baked hard as a brick?

 ^39-41 “Can you teach the lioness to stalk her prey
   and satisfy the appetite of her cubs
As they crouch in their den,
   waiting hungrily in their cave?
And who sets out food for the ravens
   when their young cry to God,
   fluttering about because they have no food?”

Job 39

    “Do you know the month when mountain goats give birth?
Have you ever watched a doe bear her fawn?
Do you know how many months she is pregnant?
   Do you know the season of her delivery,
   when she crouches down and drops her offspring?
Her young ones flourish and are soon on their own;
   they leave and don’t come back.

 ^5-8 “Who do you think set the wild donkey free,
   opened the corral gates and let him go?
I gave him the whole wilderness to roam in,
   the rolling plains and wide-open places.
He laughs at his city cousins, who are harnessed and harried.
   He’s oblivious to the cries of teamsters.
He grazes freely through the hills,
   nibbling anything that’s green.

 ^9-12 “Will the wild buffalo condescend to serve you,
   volunteer to spend the night in your barn?
Can you imagine hitching your plow to a buffalo
   and getting him to till your fields?
He’s hugely strong, yes, but could you trust him,
   would you dare turn the job over to him?
You wouldn’t for a minute depend on him, would you,
   to do what you said when you said it?

 ^13-18 “The ostrich flaps her wings futilely—
   all those beautiful feathers, but useless!
She lays her eggs on the hard ground,
   leaves them there in the dirt, exposed to the weather,
Not caring that they might get stepped on and cracked
   or trampled by some wild animal.
She’s negligent with her young, as if they weren’t even hers.
   She cares nothing about anything.
She wasn’t created very smart, that’s for sure,
   wasn’t given her share of good sense.
But when she runs, oh, how she runs,
   laughing, leaving horse and rider in the dust.

 ^19-25 “Are you the one who gave the horse his prowess
   and adorned him with a shimmering mane?
Did you create him to prance proudly
   and strike terror with his royal snorts?
He paws the ground fiercely, eager and spirited,
   then charges into the fray.
He laughs at danger, fearless,
   doesn’t shy away from the sword.
The banging and clanging
   of quiver and lance don’t faze him.
He quivers with excitement, and at the trumpet blast
   races off at a gallop.
At the sound of the trumpet he neighs mightily,
   smelling the excitement of battle from a long way off,
   catching the rolling thunder of the war cries.

 ^26-30 “Was it through your know-how that the hawk learned to fly,
   soaring effortlessly on thermal updrafts?
Did you command the eagle’s flight,
   and teach her to build her nest in the heights,
Perfectly at home on the high cliff face,
   invulnerable on pinnacle and crag?
From her perch she searches for prey,
   spies it at a great distance.
Her young gorge themselves on carrion;
   wherever there’s a roadkill, you’ll see her circling.”

Job 40

   God then confronted Job directly: “Now what do you have to say for yourself?
   Are you going to haul me, the Mighty One, into court and press charges?”

don’t know about you friend…but to answer the last question of those verses…i say no. i’m not pressing charges. no way. no how.

flashback

when i was a kid growing up here in the dallas/fort worth metroplex, there were a few things that we only got to do occasionally. which, of course, made them an extra special treat. the fort worth zoo. the omni theatre. and of course the ultimate treat was going to wet ‘n wild and six flags. oh man, that was like the equivalent to your birthday party and Christmas morning all rolled into one.

six flags in the mid-80’s wasn’t quite the theme park that it is now, but it was still an amazing place for a kid to spend a day. well, most kids. i, however was a big. fat. baby. seriously. it didn’t seem to affect me (or my social status quo) until i got older. then, all of a sudden your level of “coolness” was based solely on whether or not you enjoyed your body being flung in multiple directions at moch speed a mile up in the air and away from solid ground. well, friend…i no longer wanted to be cool. i wanted to live.

there was one particular ride that completely freaked me out. it was called, “the flashback” dun, dun, duuuun. if you did not read that ride name with a lower voice pictured in your head like you hear on suspense movie trailers, then please go back and re-read it. i’ll wait….

this ride not only went faster than the other rides, but it had loops (yes, that is plural. God help me.) and then just when you thought you really were going to throw up all of your cinnamon pretzel all over the boy you liked and so desperately wanted to impress…the ride sloooows…down…but, in the completely vertical position. that’s right….not horizontal. vertical. for those of you who are not known for your math brain, let me be clear. horizontal is left and right, east and west, like the horizon. get it? horizon and horizontal…catchy, eh? vertical however is up and down, north and south….and it is not how you want to end a roller coaster ride. so…there they are, car after dangling car just hanging up there in mid air for what seems like an eternity, but is really only like 3 seconds…and then it happens. swoooosh! you plummet at moch speed ( i know i already used that reference, but that is that fastest thing i know. oh wait, what about warp speed? is that real or just for star wars? or star trek? ugh..i digress.) anyway…get back with me here…you and your “pals” who apparently spiked your frozen lemonade and were able to convince you that this ride was going to be “totally tubular”… are now plummeting three stories going really, really stinkin’ fast (there, that’s better) and you do the entire ride all over again…backwards.

ugh. i get queasy just thinking about it. of course, nowadays this ride is probably for like 5 year olds or something..but, i’m telling you, in my day it was fierce. at least, for me.

i am sure we all have experienced a flashback in life a time or two. i know i have. i find an old tshirt from high school and whoosh…i am instantly brought back to my glory days on the soccer field. (yes, i was an athlete. i didn’t always have an 84-year-old’s body) i can almost smell the grass on the field and see the cute varsity boys sitting sidelines watching us. (yes, i was a bit boy crazy. i’m praying that our sweet girl is like her daddy…a munk until college. 🙂

or maybe it is a song. that always does it for me too. it doesn’t matter if you play it on purpose from an old mixed tape or if you are flipping channels and you hit it mid-song. whoosh…you are immediately brought back to the time and place that song represents. dun-dun-dun-du-du-dun-dun. chhhh. dun-dun-dun-dun- du-du-dun-dun. ahhh,1990. remember when vanilla ice was kinda cool? that hair. those clothes. that song. good times. and now, 21 years later (uggh.) he’s remodeling homes. that is just a little odd for me.

anyway…today was a flashback for me in more ways that one. first of all…i had a pretty major flashback physically. here i’ve been, the last few weeks, as my mom says “goin’ and blowin'” non-stop and trying to get anything and everything done. now, granted, if i were to write out my actual schedule for you, you wouldn’t think it was that bad, really, even for a mom of three. but, for me…who has spent the better part of the last year completely and utterly flat and still – it has been a bit intense. and then, the kids get sick again and there goes my good night’s rest. although i can’t blame it completely on my kids, because my 84-year-old body has kept me up late at night as well. i mean it. my joints are killing me. my ankles hurt, my shins hurt (yes, i know that is not a joint. but it hurts, too!) i just plain hurt. so…add it all up and what do you get?? a very bad day for a very tired me.

i started the day fairly normal with the two younger kiddos and i having a nice morning together. watching a show, playing games, doing laundry, and then making dinner. my incredibly sweet and thoughtful friend brought over “dinner in a bag” the other day with all i would need to make a great recipe she found. she knew we were near the end of the month and would be feasting on mac-n-cheese and ravioli (which by the way, we are totally fine with) but she wanted to help out…again. she is wonderful. i can’t hardly keep stocked with enough thank you notes for her. so, anyway, here i am trying to get all this stuff ready to throw into the crockpot and it just took a lot longer than i had thought. which, on any other day these last few months wouldn’t be such a big deal. (thank you GOD!) but, last night three out of our three kids decided to get up and various times throughout the night. multiple times. each. it wasn’t pretty. so…i think today my body just flat out stopped.

it started with a weird twinge in my back as i tried to get up off the floor. ouch! what was that?? i lied back down, but the icepack back where it always resides on my lower back and stayed still for a bit. and when i tried to get up again, zing! it happened again. ugh. i’m telling you, friend, anytime i have weird stuff going on with my head and/or back, it gets me a little fearful. so, then i stood up and tried to stretch and i felt just weird in my head. almost woozy. my tongue felt like it was getting a little swelly (yes, i just invented that word, feel free to use in freely) and i just didn’t feel right. and then it happened…whoosh….i had a flashback to those days and days and weeks and weeks and months and months where i would wake up every single day and never know what weird stuff my body was going to do. ever.

so, today…wasn’t fun. i didn’t panic. well, i did a little, but not a full fledged “me” kind of freak-out panic that i was known for in the past. (i’m telling myself that is proof God is working on me and my fear issues) i tried to walk it off…and sit it off….and i just kept feeling weirder and more tired. so, i called my hubby and he told me to lie down immediately and call my parents. i’m thinking…ugh…again. those poor people had to come over every single day for months and now i have to bother them again. ugh. but, they are amazing and came at the drop of a hat. they came. and i went….to my bed. i positioned the ice pack where it goes every single time i lie down, even still…and the heating pad where it always goes too…and i. just. crashed. for like two hours. at one point i woke up and didn’t really know where i was. you know those times. when you are exhausted and you crash…and when you come to, you are a bit disoriented. what!?! it’s daylight? ryan’s not next to me? i don’t hear children?!! what in the world?!! but, then i remembered what was going on and so i turned back over at went back to sleep. then i ate a little bit for lunch. and then… the coup de gras… i took a long, hot bubble bath. this was glorious. it felt good. it relaxed me more. it helped tremendously with the pain in the base of my head. and as i was getting out of the bath and doing the whole “girl-towel-turban-wrap” i feel that my flashback concluded. i was reminded of the many, many, many times over the last year and a half that God had gotten me through bad days and tired days and scary days and hospital visit days. He had never failed me and i knew He wouldn’t again.

and that, friend…is when i had the flashback that has meant the most to me. when i closed my eyes, i saw her face. her sweet, smiling, preciously cute face. i saw my friend jenny.

and once again, for like the twentieth time in the last few days i had a flashback as to what this date was. the 22nd of february, and is. and always will be. on this date…it marks one year since my friend jenny went to be with Jesus. she was 31 years old.

now, jenny and i weren’t best friends. in fact, we didn’t hang out really, ever. but, she was my friend. she was one of the most devoted volunteers in the children’s ministry at our church, of which i was the volunteer coordinator at the time. it was hard not to be friends with jenny. she was kind, genuine, sweet and often just silly. we got along well. occasionally we would send random texts to each other…but most of all, she was one of those people i loved seeing each and every week at church. she was, my friend. she was the real deal.

and a little more than a year ago, she got pneumonia…and then it got worse…and then it got to her bloodstream…and then she went into a coma. and then it got really scary. this was really serious now. really serious. her family set up a care page online for friends to be updated…because, like i mentioned before…everyone loved jenny…so i am sure they were bombarded with people wanting to see how she was. like thousands of others, i followed this care page diligently every day…multiple times a day. i prayed for her and her family and her healing more times that i can even count. days and days went by and it just got more serious and more scary. at least for us here. not for God…He knew exactly what was happening.

you see, jenny’s family loved Him and served Him wholeheartedly. when her husband wasn’t at home supporting their nine-year old daughter through all of this, he was spending hours by her hospital bed whispering into her ear and speaking Scripture over her. her parents and her brothers and their families set up “churches” all over the hospital day and night lifting her up to the Lord. they claimed the amazing praise and worship song “mighty to save” as their heart’s cry. and…some days were a little better. we had hope. other days were dark. but we still had hope. we knew the enemy was trying to use this whole ordeal to break this family. to make them turn from God. you see…they all loved Him.

her father was a pastor. her mother was my very own Christian psychologist, and her two brothers were pastors as well. i am not making this up. this family loved God and served Him. i have no doubt that they did some seriously fierce things in their lives, along with their sweet jenny, to totally demolish satan’s plans. in fact, i bet they obliterated them.

but on this day…one year ago…they had to say goodbye to their jenny. and i know they, along with the (literally!) thousands of supporters, were left with one haunting question…

why?

i know that when i got online that day and read the news, that she was gone…i set down my laptop, walked to my room, barely made it to the door and i fell onto the ground sobbing. i was an ugly mess. and let me remind you…jenny and i weren’t like best friends or anything. but i just loved her. and her mom. like i mentioned before, her mom was my psychologist. her mom had held my hand and walked with me through the months prior that were as dark as i’d ever known. and now this? it just didn’t make sense to me. these were faithful followers of God and they had done it all “right” in my mind. why would He let her die?

come to think of it? why would He let her die and yet keep my selfish, prideful, impatient, controlling, scrawny neck here still breathing in and out?

i don’t know how you are going to react to that statement. you may think i am selfish and self-centered and awful. but i don’t care at this point. i am just being real. here i was facing month number four of medical drama. (really, it was month number four added onto years number one and two) i had seen every specialist and had every test run. yet, i was still in pain an still without any answers. it is hard to fight off the fear of death when you are in the midst of a chronic illness with no answers and no end in sight. it is hard. very hard. for me, it darn near beat me. and i was left questioning not only if God was with me but, if He even was.

and then this happened. my friend jenny got sick and was dead within a couple weeks. dead.

i felt so guilty for not loving God and His people like she had. i felt so sad for not ever arranging those lunch dates we always talked about.  i felt so blessed with each hug from my family,my husband, my precious babies. i felt so scared that i would be next. i felt so proud to have known and loved her. i felt so confused as to why He would allow something so bad to happen to a family that is so good. i felt so angry because this was not the ending of this story that i felt He should give. He was supposed to revive her. He was supposed to give her family and the rest of us the miracle we cried out for so desperately. we sang that He is mighty to save.

but, in my mind, He did not save.

and here we are. one year later. i have had to stop writing this post numerous times because i can’t see the screen through the tears. and again, we weren’t even that close of friends. i cannot imagine what her family and her best friends, and God help me, her husband and daughter are going through today. more emotions that i listed above… that is for sure.

i leave you with two other flashbacks i have had so intensely today. one…was the last time i can remember seeing jenny alive. it was at church and i was rushing around (back when i could rush around) through our children’s ministry area looking for someone. and i saw her. she was kneeling down right outside the elementary ministry’s doorway tying the shoes of a sweet little kid. she looked up at me and mouthed “how are you doing?” you see….she knew. she knew what few people knew at that point. she knew i was going through the darkest time of my entire life. she knew i was facing anxiety and fear so real and so deep that sometimes i could almost swear i could see it. she knew i was going to see her loving mom to help me get through, to help me seek God, to just plain help me. and so, in that briefest of moments, she, with her precious smile that not only affected her mouth, but also her eyes in such a great way…she was investing in me. again. she knew. and she was reminding me that He knew too.

the other flashback i have had so many times today was from her memorial service. it was like none i’d ever been to. there were hundreds and hundreds of people there, maybe even thousands…and they were not all friends and family. some were complete strangers who had driven from all parts of the state because they had been so touched my her life and her story. the church sanctuary was packed to the brim downstairs, in the balcony and in the hallways. her own brothers led worship. i was amazed by this. they had just spent, what i’m assuming, was the most gut-wrenching weeks of their lives alongside their family as they tried to pray their sister well. and there they were leading all of us in worship. they knew jenny would have it no other way.

and then one of her brother’s asked us all, every last one of us, to get down on our knees. and he prayed something like this…”God, we love you. we don’t understand this at all, and we’re heartbroken, but we love you. we have asked you over and over to keep the enemy away from us these last weeks and especially today. but, God, i am asking you to grant him permission right now. allow him to see us now God. we want him to know that even now, amidst our darkest hour, we will bow down to YOU ALONE God and we will praise you. we want him to know he was not won.”

it was singlehandedly, one of the most powerful things i have ever seen. ever.

that was one year ago today.

i am sure that those closest to jenny have had numerous flashbacks on numerous days. i know without a shadow of a doubt that they have seen a tshirt, or heard a song that has whoosh…taken them back to a time with jenny. i just cannot imagine. how they have made it, i do not know.

actually, i do know.

i do know that He is good.

i do know that He is faithful.

i do know that His ways are perfect.

i do know His Son, Jesus Christ, is the only way to heaven.

how do i know? because He tells me. and He shows me. over and over in my life, i have whoosh….flashed back to His Word. to His promises. to His Truth. and friend…it is the only way we can get through anything.

jenny, i miss you and i am thankful for you. i can only imagine what celebration has awaited you today in heaven. on this day, God celebrates the fact that whoosh….He got you back home. i love you friend. and thank you…for everything.

deut. 32:4 “He is the Rock, his works are perfect, and all his ways are just. A faithful God who does no wrong, upright and just is he.”

jeremiah 29:11 “For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”

romans 8:28 “And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.”

psalm 33:4 “For the word of the LORD is right and true; he is faithful in all he does.”

john 14:6 “Jesus answered, “I am the way and the truth and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me.”

zeph 3:17 “The LORD your God is with you, he is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, he will quiet you with his love, he will rejoice over you with singing.”

Best. Day. Ever.

Best. Day. Ever.

So…as the story goes each year…(enter my age) years ago…my poor Mom was big and pregnant (in a time where Motherhood Maternity was not around to help you regain some sense of dignity) and getting done with her teaching, before maternity leave. She was an English teacher at Trinity high school and, even though a month away from her due date, she was already taking her maternity leave from teaching. Maybe because her first child was a month early, my Mom didn’t necessarily believe the doctor when he assured her just a couple days before that “this baby’s not coming for weeks” (insert laugh from God who already knew! See Psalm 139)

So, she waddled into the high school to turn in her graded papers so she could officially “enjoy” these last few supposed weeks before being the busy Mom of two. Then, she said, that is when it happened. She felt something a little weird. Not sure what. But…then she knew. Her water had just broken in the middle of the Trinity high school teacher’s lounge. Lovely.

So, of course she raced to her purse to grab her cell phone and send a mass txt to all her family, her husband, her friends and her support system. And, fortunately she had already gone online to pre-register with the hospital and could just go right in. Her ultrasound had confirmed that she was having a boy months ago so the nursery was all painted and ready and she had received plenty of gifts from her online gift registries at her four baby showers. Thank God she had programmed the GPS into her car for the location of the hospital so that her friends could get her there quickly. So…(deep sigh)…she was fine.

Oh wait. Nevermind. My bad. None of that happened. Why you ask?

Because the computers at the stores really had messed up her registry and she got no gifts?
No.

Because the sonographer wasn’t 100% sure it was a boy and she was forced to go with a neutral nursery?
No.

Ok, maybe because her car was already four years old and didn’t have the latest On-star capabilities??
No

No, friend….none of that happened, because this was 1979.

32 years ago today, my Mom went into labor…a month early…again. And nothing has been “as planned” ever since. After all, she had me.

The nurse from her school rushed her into her own car (her brand new 1979 Chevelle. Or was it a Buick? This part of the story gets kinda fuzzy because it all happened so fast. Literally.) They raced across town to hurry and get “checked out” by the doctor at his office to “verify” that she was in labor…which was an ordeal in and of itself. Then, finally after all of that…she was able to drive all the way to Arlington (that’s where the doctor could deliver babies, I guess) and arrived within minutes of giving birth to me. Literally minutes. She just made it. Barely.

Her water broke around 1:45pm in or so the teacher’s lounge and I was born at 2:52pm. (Yes I continually tease her about the whopping 45 minutes she spent in labor with me. She replies, jokingly that the labor was the easy part…then she got to raise me! 🙂

So there I was, a measly six pounds and one ounce scrawny, wrinkly, yellow skinned and black haired baby. Lovely. Um, not so much. Those first pictures of me were not pretty. And I don’t mean in the whole “Oh look, so-and-so just had a baby, how sweet. Oh, don’t worry, honey, all newborns look that way” kind of ugly. I mean u-g-l-y, you ain’t got no alibi, you ugly, ya ya, you ugly. Yep, it was that bad.

But, she kept me. Thankfully. And after I was born, my Dad walked in and decided to keep me too.

Again…not so much.

Another part of the family joke. My dad wasn’t there.

That’s right. His very first (and only) baby girl makes her grand entrance and where was he? Well, on the road to Galveston, or course, that’s where. If you will remember, the doctor assured my parents that I wasn’t coming for “weeks”. And so when I arrived the very next day, everyone was surprised; including my dad. Because, he and his fellow educators had packed up and loaded our rockin’ “Merry Miler” van and taken a road trip to Galveston that very morning for a conference. That’s right. He drove all the way to Galveston and had no idea my Mom was in labor or anything. Remember friends, this was 1979…loooong before cell phones. Fortunately, as the story goes. He did finally hear about me. In fact, they arrived safely at the motel and when they checked in, the man at the counter said “Oh, you are Mr. Sanders? I have a message waiting here for you.” He did have a message waiting. The message was from my Mom. It said “You have a daughter. Come home.”

So, my dad did come home on the next flight out. And he, too, decided to keep me. Yes, after seeing me. And yes, I am thankful for that as well. And while my folks were only married for five more years, they both agree that February 15th, 1979 was a day they hadn’t expected and a day they’d never forget.

And here we are now. I am quite sure that if surveyed (and let’s not go there) that my parents (along with my two wonderful step-parents) would concur that the 32 years that have followed that surprising day have been…um, interesting. I was a pretty good kid. Just like my sweet daughter is a pretty good kid. Sweet, but awnry. Cute, but mischievous. Strong-willed, but…well, strong-willed. But, we all made it. And they still have kept me all this time.

Here I am some 32 years later and I have just completed one of the best birthdays ever. I mean it. Ever.

As you may or may not know…I have been sick for the past year or two, or three. Off and on. It’s felt like more on than off, from my perspective. I’m just sayin’. But, I haven’t been able to just live a normal life. Because of multiple spinal fluid leaks, I couldn’t drive. I couldn’t exercise. I couldn’t even sit upright, for goodness sake. For months. But, lately…over these last few months, I have been getting better. (Thank you, god!) God has healed my spinal fluid leak. I am all patched up now and feeling ok. (My friend calls my procedures I had “fix-a-flat” for my back. Too funny!) I am super appreciative of that. And I am slowly but surely regaining my strength.

Some people even see me now and say “Oh, I am so happy you are back to normal!” (I feel obligated to mention that this is when my Dad and many other various family members would interject with “Hmm….was she ever really normal?!!?” 🙂 The answer is no. For me…I am better. But, I am not back to the old me. Yet. But I’m ok with that. In fact, I am sooooo ok with that.

Because today, even not fully “me” yet…I was still able to do the unthinkable. I spent the better part of this day out and about running errands…the very same errands I would longingly dream about from my couch day after day and week after week and month after month. And today, my birthday, I was absolutely over the moon with the fact that it was not all about me.

You ever have those moments when you hear somebody say something and you think “Oh…no way! Not me!?!” Let me give you a few examples… (purely hypothetical, of course) 🙂

Example #1 – your older cousin comes home from her new job, fresh out of college, for Christmas. You love her. You look up to her. You, only being about 17 or so….and you hear her explaining how she is so excited that her parents just bought her four new tires for her car for Christmas! And you think to yourself “Umm, now, that’s just sad. I will never want tires for Christmas. Ever. C’mon stephanie, seriously!?!”  (Well, I am quite sure I would kiss on the mouth anyone who bought us four new tires for our 20 year old and 11 year old cars right now. For real. On. The. Mouth. Unless it was like a guy or something….that would be wrong. But, man, I would be sooo excited!)

Example #2 – you see a friend you haven’t seen in a while and they are sporting the “Mom” velour track suit and carting their three kids under the age of six around in a used mini-van…and you think to yourself “Oh ya, not me! I am not going there! Never will I own a minivan. I want a Seqouia or nothing at all. And holy cow – how many kids were in there anyway…and velour track suits are for mobsters who wear gold chains. Period.” (Well, I want a minivan right now so bad it hurts sometimes. My kids were born in August 2004, October 2006 and March 2009. You do the math. And as far as the velour track suits…I own three. Black, green, and brown. Yep, just call me Vinny.)

So you get my point. Sometimes you hear something and think…”Nope, not me. No way. No how.” By the way…I personally think God cracks up at that.

Well, a while back, I heard about someone who spent their whole birthday going around doing random acts of kindness. They turned 40 and did 40 acts of kindness. I was like “Oh wow, how amazing! What a great idea! What a blessing!” Well, that was what I said. What I thought, however, was…”Um, no way! No way. No how. My birthday is my special day. I want to do my favorite things. It is, after all, all about me.” In fact…I really enjoyed doing lots of my favorite things on my day. I drank my favorite QT slushy (white cherry, by the way. Hands down.) I wore my favorite shirt. I listened to my favorite songs. I ate my favorite lunch. Ok, you get the idea. All fine things. But, I didn’t focus so much on that this year.

Well, over the last year or so…God has patiently and faithfully been remolding my heart in lots of ways. I am quite sure that a lot of this has flat caused cramps in his hands for having to work…and re-work…and re-work…and re-work my heart. But, thankfully, He’s into his clay. 🙂 (2 Cor. 4:7)

So, before you start thinking…and I know some of you have…cause I would have too….”Gee, way to go. I am so glad you did that and are now bragging all about it on the internet so that everyone pats you on the back and wants to be just like you.” Dude, don’t go there. I am fully admitting to you that I am not great. He is great.(Ex. 14:31, Deut. 10:17, 1 Samuel 12:16 and oh I don’t know, about a thousand others)

I am selfish. I am prideful. I am weak. I am insecure. I am fearful. I am stupid. The list goes on and on.

But, thankfully He can still work with all that and do his thing. (1 Cor. 1:27)

Last year, on my 31st birthday, I couldn’t sit upright for very long. At all. I was having an amazingly awful birthday and two of my dear friends just showed up, they brought balloons and cake and joy and love. And along with my parents who are amazing and surprised me, and with my hubby and my kids and a few other very special friends…they took that day and flat out turned it around. But, I’m telling you…before they showed up…it had stunk big time most of the day. I remember even lying there on my couch for like the 3 billionth hour and just thinking “Man, I’d even go do that random acts of kindness thing if I could just get up off this couch and live a normal life, Lord!” Ya, I was that desperate. I was willing to take a day that I loved making all about me and instead, make it all about others. But, I didn’t. Instead, I threw a massive pity party (population: me) and stayed put on my couch.

Thankfully, like I mentioned before…God is all about his clay. So, He worked and worked and worked…and is still working and working and working, by the way. Man, His job is exhausting, I bet. Not, of course, for Him. But, just me talking about it wears me out and makes me want to take a breather.

So, friend. When is your birthday? Soon? Just passed? Months and months away? Ya know…there really is no rule. You could do 32 acts of kindness any day you want. Or more. Or less.

As for me. I had a great day. Like the title says…Best. Day. Ever.

I couldn’t be more thankful that I am getting better. I couldn’t be more thankful for those around me who have hung on for this ride with me and not jumped ship at the first emotional outburst of mine that they faced. I couldn’t be more thankful for the God of the universe…who spoke the sun into existence….who decided where the oceans would start and stop…who knew that I would be born on the day that should have been a restful day for my Mom and a boring conference day for my Dad…who knows every hair on your head and mine….that same God loves me (in spite of me) and spent my birthday with me. I’ll say it again…Best. Day. Ever.

And for the record…I hope you do whatever you want on your birthday. Truly. I did treat myself a few times. I really did. (A few friends found a  way to spoil me – like they always do…I got like 150 facebook notes, and 12 real card in the mail, with stamps on them and everything. You gotta love seeing lots of colored envelopes and only one thing from Blue Cross Blue Shield. How cool!…my super step-dad happily rescheduled our lunch date for tomorrow, yeah! But I did have an amazing dinner and fun, including the first alcoholic drink I’ve had in almost three years. No, I’m not anti-drinking. That’s subject for another post. 🙂 The difference, friend…it just wasn’t what it was all about, that’s all. So, like I said. Do what you want. But, friend…I’d be lying if I said that I wouldn’t be soooo happy for you if you wanted to do this. 🙂 Steal the idea. I didn’t come up with it. No copyright laws here. As for me…(because so many of my friends have asked)…here was my birthday…

1. Called our local radio station to thank them for their ministry. I have had ample hours and hours to lie flat on my couch and listen. So thankful for praise and worship. I love it. (oh, and they put me on the air!) 🙂
1a. Thanked my Mom for the whopping 45 minutes of labor she had to go through. I love my Mom. I hope I am like her when I grow up.
2. Dropped flowers off on my best friend and neighbor’s door who has literally called me every single day during all of this time to see how I am. Really. Every day. Talk about commitment. Talk about love. Talk about putting others before yourself. My own folks and hubby (if being honest) could go a whole day without me sometimes. But not her. She is amazing.
3. Dropped flowers off on the doorstep of another dear friend who has been there for me, to watch my kids, drive me around, encourage me in ways others don’t…and just plain put up with me. That says a lot. She ain’t even from here.:)
4. Went to qt to try and buy people some drinks. No one was there. It was awkward. Until I realized what god wanted me to do. So I walked up and tried to buy a drink for a few of the only people there – the employees. They told me they got free drinks. C’mon, really? 🙂 but, then I talked with them a lot about my day and then finally persuaded them to let me buy them two pieces of candy and some mints. 🙂
5. Dropped off flowers to my chiropractor’s office to thank her and her office manager for the last year of amazing care and free therapy 🙂
6. Bought a taco bell gift card for my favorite manager at our local hobby lobby, who has, for years, always been so kind when my kids and I have gone in there. After being gone for so long, he thought I’d moved. He was so excited to see me and of course, I apologized for the serious revenue drop his store has suffered since my illness began. (I love me some hobby lobby)
7. Drove through wendy’s to get my eldest boy his surprise lunch and I bought the people’s lunch behind me in the drive thru. 🙂 so fun!
8. Brought flowers to the ladies at the front office at my son’s school to thank them for all they do. And I got the awesome opportunity to share with a lady there who goes to our church, is widowed, has two kids, one with special needs….and I had never really met, officially. Now I will hug her every time I see her. Every. Single. Time.
9. Surprised my sweet eldest boy with lunch. (he kinda caught on this morning when his lunch bag was “more empty” than is should have been. The kid is smart.) But, I didn’t tell him who was coming. At lunch he told me “Mom, I’m so glad it was you!!” (insert Mom tears here!) Oooh I love that boy!
10. Picked up a treat for my best friend who needed something in a pinch for ekul. (inside joke there, but I know she’s cracking up right now!)
11. Bought a treat for everyone who made this day possible. The theme for the treats: go rangers! And go cowboys! (hey, don’t hate.)
12. Struck up a great conversation with an older man about something we both saw in the store that made us both giggle. It was greatness. It made my day and I’m pretty sure it made his.
13. Colored a picture with crayons for my most special friend melanie…who loves to color! She is a few years older than me in body, but because god made her special, she is much younger than me really. She brings me unspeakable joy every single time I see her. (this really goes up near #2 of my day, but I don’t want to renumber them all. Hey, just keeping it real.)
14. Dropped flowers and notes off to my pediatrician’s office. How does a Mom of three kids who have had so many medical scares truly thank that awesome group of people enough? Plus, they always laugh at my Mom jokes, so that is a bonus. 🙂
15. Dropped flowers off on the doorstep of a friend who has been a mother, friend, sister, therapist, prayer warrior, encourager, confidant, scripture-queen for me. Poor thing, she has worn so many hats for me, her head is still spinning. Angels on your roof, sweet friend.
16. Dropped flowers and a sonic drink off to a friend who I love, look up to, admire, stand in awe of, need and love. She caught me though, darn her. But I got a hug. So I forgive her. Always. That one…she’s a lion chaser if I ever saw one!
17. Bought a few sonic gift cards and went around to the people in their cars waiting to order and gave them one. That was cool. Very very cool. And funny. They looked at me like a lunatic when I knocked on their windows, until they realized I had money. Then, I wasn’t so crazy. 🙂
18. Then I tipped the nice boy at sonic quite a bit for all his help with placing my big order…making sure I was on “happy hour” prices and doing it all with a smile and on roller skates. I would have so wanted that job. But, I wouldn’t have made it a week. Not, cause I would have quit. But, cause I’d have broken my neck is why. Guaranteed.
19. Delivered 8 sonic drinks to my amazing church staff. They are my friends. My leaders. My buddies. My role-models. My peeps. I love them. They all work so hard for jesus. I miss being on their team. I hope they miss me too. (not so much my disorganization and chaos, but maybe just me. 🙂
20. Dropped flowers off on the doorstep of a friend’s house who I clicked with instantaneously when we met years ago. Like, weird kinda clicked. I wanted to be her friend so bad but didn’t want to seem creepy. Cause I’m really not. Just way too friendly. Anyway, life took us different roads for a while and I couldn’t be more thankful that he has brought us back. We stuck now. Period. She knows too much. 🙂
21. Picked up a treat for my middle child. Just because. I can’t wait to give it to him. The kid gets gleeful when we serve him dinner or let him play longer in the bathtub. His joy is infectious. I just love him so much it hurts.
22. Sent an email to a friend who is really like a little sister and mentor and silly pal all wrapped into one. I am pretty sure (I mean, I’ll ask jesus, for sure when I get there) but I very well could have gone to 5 years of college, gotten a teaching job and taught for a whopping 2 years and 4 weeks, just to have met her. And I am completely ok with that. Completely.
23. Helped a nice boy push his dead truck across the gas station parking lot. (thank you god for that strength! I mean it, the kid kinda looked at me funny. I wanted to say, “ya I’m a stud” but I had just met him, so I didn’t) then I drove him a few blocks down the road to his work at auto zone (I giggled when he told me that because I thought it was more than a little ironic that his truck was dead and he couldn’t get back to work…at auto zone. Hehehe. No? Is it just me??) Anyway – turns out his Mom sings at our church. Small world.
24. Bought a wonderful woman a bit older than me a coke. Actually it was a mixture of a few drinks she told me. I loved it. I told her that she just made my day being a fully grown woman, but like the 7-year-olds who push each nozzle just because they can. Love it.
25. Dropped flowers and a diet coke off to a friend who has stood by me through it all…for years. Why? Not sure. I’d have bailed on me by now. Oooh she knows my real ugly side. And still loves me. Again, not sure why. But, oh man I’m so thankful.
26. Posted on my friend’s fb wall all about how much she means to me. I’ve known her since I was nine. We played little girl soccer together. We got into trouble in middle school and high school together. She was my roomie in college (and she survived!) She was in my wedding. She is my tech and I am her texas. Enough said.
27. Sent an email to my friend, my moh, my sunshine. She is in mexico. She’s a missionary there. (darn that whole following god’s calling on your life thing!:) I love her mucho. (that means much in spanish, in case you didn’t know. You are welcome) I feel her sunny-ness from here. Sunny + pete = love forever
28. Brought some water to some hard working men who were building a huge house not too far from me. (well, not too far, but far enough 🙂 they were all so very happy and grateful. And so was I.
29. Paid for the car behind me at mcdonalds. Funny too cause I had to wait a while until someone pulled up finally. So, I got to talk to that girl at the window for a while. Too cool.
30. Wrote notes to each of my kids telling them how thankful I am for them and how they have helped Mommy feel better even when I wasn’t better. Especially that little girl. Almost every day I am reminded of god’s lavish love for me because of her. We wanted a girl so bad. Didn’t know I was gonna get a mini-me. But, it’s all good. I am beyond blessed.
31. Came home and picked up my house so that my sweet hubby ryan (who I love a lot but am not a whole lot like! 🙂 could have a somewhat clean house before he went to bed tonight. Trust me, it was bad! It looked like the valentine fairy threw up everywhere. Ugh. I’m so glad that man loves me.
32. Emailed the awesome ladies in my bible study group to see if they wanted to take part in blessing a wonderful lady I have gotten to know. She is going through what I was too. Poor thing. Stuck on her couch. Can’t live her life or feel like Mom to her kids right now. I so get that. I met her online through a support group and then we found out that she literally lives within ten miles of me. Can you hardly stand it!?! Can’t wait to see what my girls and I get to do with that. Use us god, use us up!

I am pretty sure I am forgetting some. I know I didn’t get to do all I wanted to do. I was limited by my time, my finances, and mostly, my energy. But, don’t worry. I am not done. If you feel left out…don’t. This shall continue. And no one is safe. 🙂 but…today is over. And it was a busy day. Well, it is almost over. It is almost midnight. I cannot put into words how tired I am. But, I am thrilled that I got to tell you about my day. Oh…and before I forget…while I was walking around like a happy fool today, I did get rejected….a lot. I was a little surprised at how often people would flat turn me down. They honestly couldn’t believe I was trying to do a nice thing. Some even seemed a bit put out by my interruption. Too bad. But, for the record… I gave people a note about me and why I was doing what I was doing so they wouldn’t think I was a complete lunatic. I am used to that really, but my main reasoning for this note was I didn’t want them to wonder why I was doing something good. I wanted them to know why. More importantly I wanted them to know who. So, anyway, here’s the letter if there’s anyone left reading. If so…what do you call it when you mix a centipede and a parrot?? Write me back if you made it this far and want to know the answer. (my kids love this one!)… (now, nighty night! ) happy my birthday to you! 🙂

ps. The verse at the very bottom says. It. All. Read that one a few times!

Happy 32^nd birthday to me! 🙂

I have lived for months and months out of the last year and a half on my couch. Was I watching tv and eating bon-bons? Um, no. Due to various medical issues, I have been unable to walk, sit upright, or basically live a “normal” life. I could go into the details, but I don’t even know you so I will spare you the loooong story!

Instead I will just tell you that without the unbelievable support from my family, my friends and my amazing church (www.metchurch.com) and most importantly, my always faithful god, I would have never made it through.

So, why am I telling you, a complete stranger, this?? Well, over the last couple months as I have started to feel a bit better, I have been planning how I wanted to spend my birthday. And here we are! J instead of making this day all about me, (which I usually do) I have been very much looking forward to doing 32 random acts of kindness instead! This is where you come in. I hope that whatever it is that I did for you…big or small…free or expensive…I hope that it made you smile. I pray that you have a very happy day! I know I will!

When you can’t drive a car, play with your small kiddos, or even walk around for months at a time, it definitely gives you a whole new perspective on life and what is really important. So, I wrote this note, because I didn’t want you to think for just one minute that I was just a nice person doing a nice thing. I am a christian and I am nothing without my relationship with jesus. I am not good. (in fact, I’m pretty selfish and prideful!) But, friend, he is good. And, I just wanted you to know.

If you want to hear the rest of my story, feel free to check out my somewhat random, possibly witty, but hopefully encouraging blog at www.mamaholzberger.blogspot.com

I hope you have a happy my birthday!! May god bless you…and may you bless god!

Caroline 🙂

Psalm 40:1-3 “I waited patiently for the lord; he turned to me and heard my cry. He lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire; he set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand. He put a new song in my mouth, a hymn of praise to our god. Many will see and fear and put their trust in the lord.”

ya gotta love livin’ in texas…

well, friend…i must admit, i often wonder where you are? sounds weird, maybe, but i know where i am, but not you, friend. in fact, i have no clue where you are reading this from. i often sit and wonder about the people who read my blog. are you tucked away somewhere in the middle of nowhere in an igloo in alaska? or are you reading on your laptop, sitting out on your balcony with the killer view in southern california? or…are you all texans? (goodness gracious, i hope so!) he he he! i’m totally kidding (pretty much)…just a little texas humor, people. calm down. and i guess, if you don’t mind (and even if you do:) go ahead and allow me a little “wiggle room” here to include any other texas-pride tidbits i may decide to grace you with. i mean no disprespect…ok, maybe i should say, i mean “not a lot”… of disrespect, really. it’s just one of those “texas things”, and i think my fellow texas would agree that it’s just hard to explain…right y’all? 🙂

i have lived in the fine state of texas for my entire life. proud of it, too, i must say. the people here are friendly. the drama is less. the weather will keep you on your toes. and the scenery can flat take your breath away sometimes…whether it is staring with your jaw-dropped  at the sight of a sunset as far as your eye can see in every direction with colors i swear God creates just for us here. 🙂 …or the rolling hills of wildflowers so bright, you’d think they were spray painted on, when no one was lookin’…or even the grandeur of miles of piney woods, so pretty and so tall, it reminds you of how they were here first and you, friend, are just briefly visiting.

over the years, i think that texans have gotten kind of a bad “rap” for being too cocky about their heritage. but, i’m not sure if cocky is the right word or not. i do, however happen to love a t-shirt that my big brother gave me a few years ago…it has a map of the united states on it, all colored in completely black…then the state of texas is brought out to look a little bigger that it is (shocker!) and it’s colored in red, white, and blue with a big star and stripes. and then there is a big red, white, and blue arrow pointing to it that says in bold, gigantic letters… “TEXAS”…and then there is a little itty-bitty black arrow pointing to the rest of the USA that says….”whatever”. (insert a “he, he, he” from my fellow texans) and well…ok, maybe cocky sometimes is the right word. sometimes. 

there are a quite a few things that “outsiders” have to get used to when they (finally get to:) move here.

first of all, we are huggers. it is in our blood. yes, we give high fives. and yes we will shake your hand and give you our Word (which actually means somethin’ down here!), but overall, chances are, we’re gonna hug ya. we’ll hug you when we meet you. we’ll hug you when you say something funny. we’ll hug you when you are excited or nervous, devastated or elated, too. and then when it’s time to go, we’ll hug you when you have to leave…and chances are, we’re gonna get up and walk you to the door, too. it goes back to southern hospitality and the plain ol’ friendliness of our fine countrymen. (now, for the record, this would be an opportune time to mention that we really are the only state that has ever been its own country. but, i ain’t braggin’…i’m just sayin’ is all) but, for some reason this hugging thing kinda freaks northerners out a bit. i have a sweet friend from boston who lives here now (thank God!:) who asked me once, “why do you hug me every single time you see me? you act like we haven’t seen each other in weeks! i just saw you yesterday! you texans are always all up in people’s personal space.” yes, ma’am, that sounds ’bout right. we don’t have “personal space” here. don’t need it. we got enough space outside, so we’re good.

somethin’ else you’ll discover pretty quick is that we are friendly. i know i touched on this a bit before…but it goes beyond just giving you a hug. we talk a lot to anyone and everyone, anywhere, and at any time. doesn’t really matter if we know you or not. in fact, i’m not sure if i’ve ever ridden in an elevator with a stranger and not either found out how their day was, what they do for a living, or simply commented on the weather or complimented their wardrobe choice. again, this freaks “foreigners” out. it is called “makin’ conversation”, people. it ain’t hard. that’s right, even a yank can do it if they try. 🙂

but, the one thing that really gets people is…the weather here. the weather in texas is about as dependable as a toddler who’s asked to hold the rings at an outdoor, black-tie, evening wedding. you just never know what’s going to happen…ever. this for sure freaks out people once they (finally get to:) move here. this week, for instance has been one of “those weeks” that makes you just laugh out loud and say “ya gotta love livin’ in texas!” as i type, we are nearing the end of the month of january. a month that is, typically-at least for most areas, in the middle of winter. but those areas are the ones that have this freaky thing called “four seasons”. i can’t be sure but i think that it goes somethin’ like…cool and breezy with green everywhere…and then pretty warm…then cooler and brisk with somethin’ called “fall colors” in their trees, whatever that means…and lastly, pretty darn cold. i think that’s how it goes, at least. but, not here. not in texas. we have, instead…about to be hot…then much stinkin’ hotter…then, just s little bit less hot…and lastly, about to be hot again. those are our “four seasons”. and our trees really only have two colors…green and dead.

three days ago, my three kiddos were playing outside in the 78 degree weather, in their short-sleeved t-shirts. in fact, my baby girl found her way to the sprinkler (that’s right all of you from the north, i said the sprinkler, and yes it is still january) that my husband was using to water our trees. she got flat soaking wet. and she loved it! and now…just three days later, when i look outside, do i see that beautiful sunny weather we just got to bask in the other day? nope. we have five inches of snow on the ground and the wind chill is negative 1 degrees. negative 1, people. does the thermometer even really go negative, i ask?? (insert laugh from all the folks in minnesota…i think they got five feet! i cannot even fathom snow taller than me. why do you people live there anyway?)

so why in the world have i rambled on (and on and on) about all this. (i know, i know, sometimes ya just never know with me) where is my clever little spiritual point? well, this time, it has honestly been a tough pill to swallow. (this, coming from someone who’s swallowed 20-30 pills a day for months, ya know…but, not no more, thank you God!) all this weather change has really gotten me thinking though…hot then cold, cold then hot….c’mon make up your stinkin’ mind or pick somewhere in the middle for cryin’ out loud! and ooohh, friend…a certain Scripture sure did come to my mind right then. wanna guess which one? c’mon you know you do…..

(keep scrolling….)

(and scrolling….)

(c’mon the suspense is killing you, ain’t it!?!) 🙂

revelation 3:15-16 “I know your deeds, that you are neither cold nor hot. I wish you were either one or the other! So, because you are lukewarm—neither hot nor cold—I am about to spit you out of my mouth.”

were you right? well, good. there’s no prize though. sorry.

whew. i remember the exact day i heard this for the first time. i was in high school at a young life Bible study, and one of my best friend’s dad was leading the study about the book of revelation. i didn’t know anything about that book, well, except that it was the last one in the Bible. that’s it. but, ohhh ron bosher did. and he told us. now, just to give you a fair picture…i feel inclined to tell you that ron, my lifelong friend’s dad is a big man. yes, i was only nine years old when i met him, and all grown-ups seem big then, but that’s not what i mean. i don’t mean he is kinda tall and sorta stout. i mean ron is a big man. he played football at the finest college in our fine state, texas tech. (go tech!) he stands about 6 foot 5, and i’m not sure how much he weighs, but i am sure it is more than me. (yes, even now, thanks to steroid weight gain!) 🙂 ron shakes your hand like he means it and afterwards, when you glance at the sheer size of his hands, you realize why you have no feeling left in your pinky finger. ron’s voice resonates. when he speaks, you listen. end of story. but, before you get the wrong idea… ron is a very kind-hearted man. he is honest and funny and the man makes me look flat out shy. but…ya see, ron has a weakness….ron is married to sally…his high school sweetheart. sweet sally stands about 5 foot 2…maybe. but, it doesn’t matter her size…one look from her, one sweet little sentence in their own little cute language, and ron’s cheeks blush and he becomes just a big ol’ teddy bear. just about the sweetest thing you’d ever see. but, not on this particular night. on this night he was telling us the Truth. and i must confess…when ron spoke about the book of revelation…it took on a whole.new.meaning.

so, here we were at the wise age of 16, being challenged by ron. we said we were Christians. we claimed to follow Jesus. but, were we really? he told us to make up our minds. because being this superficial, inch-deep, wishy washy, can’t stick up to our friends because it’s too “hard” kind of “Christian” made God want to puke.

ouch.

so, fast forward x-number of years 🙂 and here i am. gotta love the weather. gotta love livin’ in texas. hot then cold. cool then warm…sunny with a chance of sleet…it’s all over the place. these crazy last few days have brought to mind some things i have been thinking about a lot these last few months. about this exact verse, actually. it a pretty bold one. and ya know what… i think i’m ok with that, friend! are you?

let me share how i’ve been faced with a few Truths lately that have hit me so hard and so square in the face, you’d think good ol’ ron was smackin’ them right at me full force.

a few weeks ago, one of our beloved former pastors at our church came in town to visit. well, he came to visit..and to preach. and preach he did. you gotta love pastor dustin. (check out his awesome church at http://www.mosaicgc.com) the man doesn’t sugar coat this whole thing for you. or for me. or for himself. he came with a message to all us “Christians”…are we really all in? it is so easy to get comfy, he said, in our trendy little church bubble. “we get so cozy in our same little cushy chair at church, our butt makes a nice little imprint when we are so good to show up week after week, and we actually stop thinking Jesus is doing us a favor and we start thinking we’re doing Him one.”

i would say that he ain’t luke warm, wouldn’t you? yep…sounds pretty hot to me.

for the last few months, our home group has been reading a pretty incredible book by mark batterson, called “in a pit with a lion on a snowy day”. i know the title is a bit odd, but read it and you’ll understand. i mean it – go get the book. seriously. i am not a reader. i never recommend books because i rarely read books. but, friend…this one might flat change your life. i know it’s changed mine. and a sweet friend of mine’s. the title is based on a man of the Bible i would almost guarantee you have never heard of…ready?? it’s…….Benaiah. i know you’re thinkin’… Bena-what!?! yep…that one isn’t on the top ten most popular boy’s names of 2011, with jacob and elijah, was it? nope. but the man was so brave and bold, he actually chased a lion. you read that right, he chased a lion. (see 2 samuel 23)

a couple quotes from the book that really got me…

“you can do nothing wrong, and still do nothing right.” ya, i get this one. i’ve thought these thoughts…haven’t you?!? “but, we go to church.”…..”we tithe what we are supposed to. most of the time.”…..”we don’t curse, watch porn, get drunk, or do drugs…c’mon.”…..i can’t help but be reminded that the Pharisees didn’t do any of that stuff either. i’m just sayin’.

“lion chasers know God is bigger and more powerful than any problem they face in this world. they thrive in the toughest circumstances because they know that impossible odds set the stage for amazing miracles. That is how God reveals his glory – and how he blesses you in ways you never could have imagined.” ok friend, i have lived this one these last months and months. i faced a big problem. well, to be completely transparent, i emotionally and mentally ran kicking and screaming from my huge problem for a loooong time and then, with God’s help, i faced it. then, friend, i chased it. and He has already blessed me more in the last two months than i can even find words to tell you…and you know anything about me, it’s that i don’t lack for words.

“maybe a relationship with God doesn’t simplify our lives. Maybe it complicates our lives in ways that it should be complicated…because sin surely complicates our lives in ways that they shouldn’t be complicated.” so true. so.very.true. but, not so very easy. but, seriously, friend, when did we get the idea in our little-bitty brains that our lives here on this earth are supposed to be easy. they aren’t. get over it. not sure about you, but i would take difficult with God than easy without Him, that is for darn sure. it is easy to be selfish. it is easy to be superficial. it is easy to be materialistic. it is easy to turn a blind eye to those that are hurting. it is easy to sit on your pew each week and do nothing. it is easy to be like my “texas” shirt…bringing yourself out to be bigger than you really are…it is easy to make this time that you have on this earth…all…about…you.

“The last time I checked the parable of talents, the reward for good work was more work.” that’s right, good and faithful servant…the dudes who did the right thing…the ones who used what Jesus had given them in the way that most honored Him…they didn’t get a free ride. they didn’t win the lottery. they didn’t get their mortgage paid off. shoot – they didn’t even get a brand new mini-van. (yep, that one is for me.) they got more work. period.

“The only regrets we will have at the end of our lives will be that we didn’t seek God more or seek God sooner. That’s it.” enough said, there friend. what could i possible add to that?

trust me, after reading this book, i can almost feel the heat from this Biblical giant being so on fire. and for the record, i am sure God would rather you be hot too…but, with a nice, steady flame…the kind of flame others can gain warmth from. not a blast of a huge roaring fire that burns out when morning comes and it ain’t fun anymore.

as i was researching for this post, i came across a man who wrote a book that, to be honest, i’m a little scared to read. his two minute video post for the book is unbelievable. literally, it is hard to believe. but, only cause i’m not sure i want to, not because it isn’t TruthFULL. (since my last technological attempt on my blog didn’t work, i will just tell you to please take a minute now and go to youtube and search for “radical by david platt”. then sit tight. we’ll be here when you get back.)

david platt says in his book titled “radical”….

“I don’t think God will ever say, ‘I wish you would have kept more for yourself.’” sigh. and so True.

“God beckons storm clouds, and they come. He tells the wind to blow and the rain to fall, and they obey immediately. He speaks to the mountains, ‘You go there,” and he says to the seas, ‘You stop here,’ and they do it. Everything in all creation responds in obedience to the Creator…until we get to you and me. We have the audacity to look God in the face and say, ‘No.'”

i’m sweating now from this heat.

(sigh) sweet friend, i’m not a fire and brimstone kind of gal. really, i’m not. maybe that is what i have sort of dreaded posting this. oh gee, i hope people still like me. i hope i don’t offend anyone. but, then i’m reminded of these words i read in the lion chaser book (thanks, Holy Spirit!) when he recalls a time when he, too, didn’t speak up for Christ. he realized “so, instead of offending this woman, i offended the holy Spirit.” whoa. i felt that one. so, i keep typing. in love, i type. but, in Truth, i type too. like me or not. and like mark says in the book “aren’t you tired of Christians being known more for what they are against than what they are for?” my answer is an emphatic….yes!! this, friend, is what i am for. what are you for? is it you, or is it Jesus? cause it ain’t both. either way….be for it. be all in. or be all out. your choice. but, keep in mind…this wishy washy-inch deep-in between-luke warm junk makes God wanna puke.

and for the record, as i type now, the wind chill outside is negative 6 degrees. negative six, people. that is pretty stinkin’ cold. oh how i pray that is not what you choose. last night, when tucking in my oldest kiddo…the one i wrote about in the post titled “what do you mean the weatherman’s wrong?”…he’s been waiting for snow for months. literally, months. he says right before he went to sleep, “mama, i’m tired of all the cold. i’m ready for the hot weather again and for swimming outside.” it’s been freezing cold for three days. that’s it, three days. if you choose cold. i pray it is only for a short while. i’ll be waiting for you by the pool…

it’s really not a four-letter-word

(insert long quiet pause)

shut de do’ keep out the toddler

welcome to this heart of mine, i’ve buried under prideful vines
grown to hide the mess i’ve made, inside of me, come decorate
Lord, open up the creaking door, walk upon the dusty floor
scrape away the guilty stains, until no sin or shame remain
spread your love upon the walls, and occupy the empty halls
until the man i am has faded, no more doors are barricaded

chorus:
come inside this heart of mine,
it’s not my own
make it home
come and take this heart and make it
all your own
welcome home

take a seat, pull up a chair, forgive me for the disrepair
all the souvenirs from floor to ceiling, gathered on my search for meaning
every closet’s filled with clutter, messes yet to be discovered
i’m overwhelmed, i understand, i can’t make this place all that you can

repeat chorus

i took this space that you placed in me, redecorated in shades of greed
and i made sure every door was locked, every window blocked, and still you knocked

repeat chorus

take me, make me all you want me to be, that’s all i’m asking, that’s all i’m asking.

what do you mean the weatherman’s WRONG??

my sweet oldest child is such a blessing to me. he looks like his daddy. acts like his daddy. organizes like his daddy. cleans like his daddy. plays in a methodical manner, like his daddy. maybe that’s one reason why i am so crazy about the kid, because i am so crazy about the man he reminds me of.

well, the other night my darling six-year-old jacob (who would want me to tell you that he is almost six and a half, for the record) was sitting with his daddy on the couch watching tv…a weather update came on and the weatherman said “ok all you kids out there, prepare for some fun in the snow tomorrow, our area should see about 3-5 inches tomorrow afternoon.”

jacob’s mouth dropped and his eyes widened like it was Christmas morning. he grinned really big and looked at his daddy – “did you hear that!?! we get to play in the snow tomorrow!” ooohh he was SO excited. ya see, jacob has been waiting for snow for months. literally, months. it has been a topic of conversation at least a couple times a week since the first brisk wind we got back in october.

“mama, i wonder when it’s going to snow?”
“i know buddy, i wonder too!”
“do you think it will be this weekend?” (this is october, mind you…in texas)
(thinking to myself – hmm..it was 62 today, and it should be 82 tomorrow…) “probably not bud, but who knows?”
“well, God knows, mama.”
“that’s right buddy, He sure does.”

poor kid hasn’t fully grasped that he lives in north texas. a place that truly doesn’t have four seasons, or a real winter, for that matter. if i started to claim that we did have a “true” winter, i think that people from about 42 of the 47 states located north of us would laugh at me – continuously. i was just talking about this yesterday actually, with some family members of a friend of mine, who were here visiting from kansas. now, i will be honest and tell you that i could absolutely, positively NOT point kansas out on a map. my geography is atrocious. i mean it. most 1st graders could kick my hiney in geography, no problem. but, being that i am from texas, i can wager, with a good amount of certainty, that it is north of us. (right?) (ok, i’m confessing here that i just googled it and found out that it is in fact, north of us…two states directly north, actually. it took me a minute to find it because i was looking over to the….(Never Eat Soggy Waffles)…um, west of us.) anyway…i digress…..i was talking to these nice people about “winter” as we know it in the fine Lone Star state and how mild it has been this year. but, that last year was pretty fierce. “fierce?” they said. and then these sweet, kindhearted, Jesus-loving, out-of-towners all laughed at me. they really did. they sat there and just laughed at me. in my defense (and in the defense of all my fellow countrymen) i tried to talk about how we got about 10 inches of snow in one day. i told them about how that freaked everyone in this area out and ’bout shut down the town for days. (insert more kansas-ians laughing at me) but i must say, now that i have actually seen the U.S. map…they really don’t have that much to laugh at. i mean, c’mon, they border oklahoma too! it’s not like i was talking to people from….(checking the map again to ensure accuracy for my punchline)…montana or something. now, those people could laugh at me. oh, and by the way, i plan on calling these people mid-july and asking if it is “hot” there. oh, ya think so?? ha. ya right people. you don’t know hot! (i would say with love and in Jesus Name 🙂

anyway, back to my boy…in jacob’s short six and (almost) half years (he would want me to clarify that he is not quite six and a half. he is all about accuracy…again, just like his daddy) he has seen more snow that i saw for the first 20 years of my life growing up in this fine state. i mean it. it really has snowed every year at least once, for the past few years. whereas, i think when i was growing up it only snowed like three times from age 3 to age 18. (these kids nowadays, get everything they want…technology, cell phones, snowy winters…so greedy these kids……just pretending to rant there, i kind felt it fit.:)

so, in my sweet methodical son’s mind, because the weatherman said what he said, it is supposed to snow soon. he has planned for it. and so, since the weatherman said it out loud, jacob took it as gospel truth. ya see, (like his daddy) jacob is a die-hard rule-follower. do you know anyone like that? are you like that? i wish i could say i was. but it wouldn’t be true, which, of course, would break a rule. (see, i’m getting there. 🙂 he is honest, he is trustworthy, he says what he means and he means what he says. and of course, he expects everyone else to do the same. some of jacob’s most disappointing moments in life have resulted in the fact that someone couldn’t or wouldn’t follow through with something they said they would do. and, as it turns out… this was one of those times.

poor jacob woke up early the next morning, and before he even rubbed his sweet eyes and fully waked up, he stumbled directly to the coat closet…

(eyes still half closed) “mama, i know that it isn’t going to snow until this afternoon, but can i go ahead and lay out my coat, gloves, hat, and boots? i already know what i want to wear. i think i should wear my pajamas under my snow clothes because they are warm. should i wear a sweatshirt too? i think so. can i put it all on right now, except for my coat, gloves, hat and boots?”

he was sleepy. but he had a plan. it was precious. there was no way i could say no to this, he was just so cute. but, daddy stopped him briefly and asked him to come “cuggle” with him on the couch for a minute and “say good morning to daddy.” jacob gladly climbed up into ryan’s lap as he was flipping through the channels to look for the weather report. and then, he found it. the weatherman blurted out, “looks like our area has seen all it is going to get today, folks, the biggest flurries will hit further east of the metroplex.”

ryan and i just looked at each other. oh no.

“mama, wait a minute…what does that mean?”

ryan and i are looking at that ol’ weatherman and his fancy map that could not be clearer over our part of the city, and i ’bout wanted to jump through that screen and shake the man for lying to my baby. yes, i know he wasn’t technically lying to him, but it felt that way, because i knew what was coming…

“well buddy, i think their weather guesses were wrong, i don’t think we are going to get any snow after all.”

“yes we are. we are going to get 3-5 inches this afternoon. the weatherman yesterday said so.”

“well, i know buddy, but they were wrong. i’m so sorry”

i’m telling you friend, the look on his face was just heartbreaking. flat. out. heartbreaking. honestly, it just killed me. i know there were a heap of kids that were disappointed that morning, but i’m not sure that many of them were as disappointed as my sweet jacob. remember?? he’d been looking forward to it for months….asking every week….and now, had finally gotten confirmation…only to be severely disappointed.

“but mama, why would God let that happen if He knew how much i wanted it to snow?” whew. that was a tough one. we talked it out and i assured him that God does know that and does care about that…but that we don’t always get what we want and we need to be careful not to “blame” God when we are disappointed. i told him that we need to be thankful for the good things instead.

then it hit me.

where was i when i needed to hear this for the last year?? well, to be honest, i was actually in the loving words of so many friends and family.

have you ever been let down? if you answer no, i can’t say i believe you.

life is tough. it is hard and Jesus guaranteed us that it would always be that way. (john 10:10) but isn’t it even worse when we, the little bitty controllers of our own little worlds here, get into a rhythm and think we have it all figured out.

i am going to finish college in four years and then get a great paying job. but, then the economy tanks and instead you dropped out of junior college and are working a crap job that you hate.

i am going to be married by the time i’m 25 and have two girls and a boy. but, then your 30th birthday rolls around and you start entertaining the idea that maybe your mate doesn’t have to be a strong Christian.

after i work at this lower level for the company, they will promote me to management and i will retire well. but, then the company downsizes and your name was at the top of the list.

i’m going to be healthy…and thin…and active…and athletic because that’s who i am. but, then the doctor gives you news that you never thought you’d hear, and you look down at your own body and don’t even recognize it.

we’ve all been disappointed. in big ways and small ways. if we are honest, the big ways have probably outnumbered the small…or at least it feels that way. maybe for you, this hasn’t been an issue. but for me…it surely has. i have, what some might say, a somewhat controlling personality. i like to think that i’m not too overbearing and unbearable to be around. but i am well aware that i like to be a strong contributor to…well, everything. i have always been a bit strong-willed, outspoken, precocious, hard-headed and opinionated. (don’t worry, i’m getting mine…my abigail is her mother’s daughter) and while i would not describe myself as a “type-A” person at all, i do like some things a certain way. and when i get something set in my head…well, actually, mainly in my heart…i can be devastated if things change. in fact, i have noticed (in my wise old age 🙂 that i’m not a huge fan of change. at least, not the bad kind. i’m completely fine with the good kind of changes. seems fair doesn’t it? ya, not so much.

over these last months and months and months, i have very much had to just sit back (ok, lie back) and trust. and more than anything, i have had to just…let…go.  sounds easy, those three little words. but, oh, my friend, they carry more weight than i was prepared for.

let go. really? of everything?? my health? my family’s future? my finances? my children? my self-image? my dreams? my hobbies? my household normalcy? my marriage? my independence? my pride? my expectations? my feelings? my routine? my waistline? 😉

the answer is clear…yes.

jeremiah 29:11 “for i know the plans i have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” that’s right. it is more than just a popular verse to hang up in your home. it is His promise to us.

exodus 20:3 “you shall have no other gods before me.” this is not a suggestion. and, my friend, it is not limited to little golden calves that you might think about. your work can be your god. your children can be your god. your pastor can be your god. your plans for your future (or my plans for my future) can be your god. but He makes it clear that only your God should be your god. and this one, friend, was written in stone. (ex. 20)

hebrews 11:1 “now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see.” i have not seen God. i mean, i should say, i have never literally seen God…like i see my recliner right now. and, i can’t tell you exactly how or why or when…but i can say i have seen His work this last year in my heart of hearts. i have seen the hope i have in Him grow, and i have seen how He has used this whole ordeal for good, (romans 8:28) i have seen my faith in Him grow, i have seen  this impact so many lives in a positive way…so, maybe i have seen Him, after all.

i do not want to diminish any of your pain, your fears, your disappoinments, or your heartaches. but i would rather do that than diminish what God has planned for you because of them and through them.

all my sweet jacob wanted was to play in the snow. doesn’t sound like too much to ask, right? but, he doesn’t make the snow. and so, he couldn’t control the snow. and therefore, he was disappointed…at least for a little while.

about three hours later, when we least expected it…we looked outside and there it was….snow!! big, fluffy, wonderful flakes…everywhere. we played, we caught flakes on our tongues, we threw snowballs, we built a snowman…we had a blast!! and then that night, before bed, we thanked God for the wonderful surprise of snow. and then later i thanked God for the look on jacob’s face when he saw it…so happy and so thankful. so much what i want my face to be…today and every day. whether rain, sun, sleet…and of course, snow. 🙂