caroline holzberger

my feet are clean and sweet

not sure about you, but there are those things that my folks say that have stuck with me…

to this day, my dad still calls me “toots”, which is pretty funny and cute. he also now calls my sweet little baby girl that, but she really is a little toot…i’m sure i was not. (ya sure)

my mom always woke me up in the morning with the exact same inflection in her voice as she entered my room, kinda sing-song-ish…”caroliiiine”…so fun. and yes, i sing-song the same to my girl…”abigaaaiill” it fits perfectly. 🙂

also, my mom always asked me when i got out of the bath if was “clean and sweet”? i’m not sure which one she wanted to be more true, the clean or the sweet? but i always answered with an emphatic “yes!” because i was pretty sure i was always both clean, and of course, sweet. 🙂 so, i, without even planning to, always ask my kiddos that once they are bathed if they are “clean and sweet”? they, too, always answer with a yes. we are really quite sure of ourselves aren’t we!?! 🙂

well….friend, today, as i lie here on my couch for the 2,924th day (a slight exaggeration) i have an empty house….a quiet house….well, fairly quiet, really. my sweet husband is happily banging around outside in the garage even as i type. our kiddos have been kidnapped. now, before you sound the alarm, it is just a metaphorical term i’m using….i know the kidnappers pretty well, so i’m good with it. 🙂 the amazing members of our home group at church called me up last week and said they were going to be picking up our kids after church and taking them for the ENTIRE day, on sunday and bringing them back home in time for bedtime. huh!?! i didn’t know what to say. i just cried. (i know, shocking!)

now, the “old me” would have panicked about the thought of other people driving my kiddos all over town town, watching them at a huge public place, feeding them (i have one with severe food allergies), just having all three of them for the entire day! ooohhhh, that would have been torture for me. literally. a day FULL of worry. actually, to be completely honest, i probably couldn’t have done it. isn’t that awful? what bondage worry and fear can be. uughh! it is awful!! but, thank God….that was the “old me”. well, pretty much, it was. 🙂 ok, it is pretty much the old me, but the old me doesn’t live that far away from the new me and he sure does like to call up the new me and remind me of how i used to be at times like these! 😦 the “new me” has chilled out. some. i mean, the kids are gone, aren’t they? 🙂 i did put a little piece of paper in the boys pockets saying “if lost call this number”, but is that unreasonable?? (don’t answer that) i did have worrysome thoughts. i’m just being honest here. my first thoughts were on the awful movie screen that runs through my mind often enough of all the terrible things that could happen. uugggh! but PRAISE GOD i cast them down and replaced them with happy thoughts. man, my kids are going to have a blast! man, oh, man does ryan deserve these hours of freedom more than anyone in the world! and i hugged them tight, kissed them a bunch, covered their little heads with prayer and i….let…them…go.

yes, i trust the people they are with very much, i honestly wouldn’t do this with just people i just”kinda” know. but, honestly friend, this is a big step for me today. and when i was talking about it to my sweet friend that would have the boys all day, she (an elementary principal and her hubby a police officer…i mean, c’mon, my kids are totally secure!) assured me that this was allowing them (my friends) to take part in a blessing as well. she reminded me, so wisely, about when Jesus was washing His disciples feet and how He humbled Himself to serve them. He wanted to serve them. He needed to serve them. to show them. little did they know…so they could serve other. but, good ol’ peter insisted “no, way jose…Jesus, you’re not washing my feet!” (see john 13) to which Jesus replied “unless I wash your feet, you have no part with me.” and so peter replied, “then not just my feet, but my head and my hands as well!”

that is so me. not wanting to let people bless me. i am sure peter didn’t feel worthy to have his Lord washing His feet. i am sure peter didn’t think at all that Jesus should be humbling Himself like that, especially not for him. i find it quite ironic that the very man whose feet got soaking wet WITH Jesus walking out on that water, didn’t trust Jesus enough, even still, to just let him get his feet wet this one more time.

oh, how i can relate to peter.

i don’t feel worthy of people serving me. i am sure it is a double edged sword for me. and such an odd combination, too. for me, i think it is partly an insecurity thing…not thinking i deserve all thsi serving at all especially over and over and over like i am having to accept from people right now during this time. but, oddly, on the other hand, it is a pride thing…not wanting others to be in control of my life, my kids, they can’t do it all as well as me. that probably makes no sense. welcome to my world. when i invited you here, i should have warned you it often makes no sense here. but, hey, the food is good. 🙂 (or at least i think it is, but my food tastes are weird, and if you’ve read other posts, you know that…ha!)

anyway, i can sooooo relate to peter in the fact that he sat there and watched Jesus wash other disciples’ feet…i close my eyes and imagine that it was a very moving sight. in fact, i know it was. i took part in a foot-washing ceremony once at women’s retreat. it was unbelievable, and it wasn’t my Savior doing it. i really cannot even imagine. but…still….peter says no. no, Jesus, you can’t wash my feet. not mine. thankfully he had enough sense to change his mind when Jesus made His point clear. i, too would have said something like that…”bring on the dunking-booth Jesus, get me soaked, i’m yours! sorry for what i said before! i’m diving in!” again, i’m so visual, so i kinda picture Jesus shaking his head at peter (like i’m sure He does at me all the time) and saying (loosely translated by me) “no, you’ve had a bath, peter, you just need your feet washed, silly” in other words, to me, don’t overdo it…you aren’t who you were. you aren’t that dirty. c’mon, i know you best. i know what needs cleaning. just trust me, here.

and when my friend described to me how they wanted to do something practical for us like Jesus did, it touched me. i love and appreciate SO much all the prayers people have been putting up for us. it is priceless to know how many people have been on their knees for us. talk about humbling. but, as my dear friend pointed out, Jesus also did the practical. and she was right. it was customary in that day for a servant to wash the feet of the men at the table because of the way they reclined at the low table, their dirty feet would be right in the face of the person eating next to them. their feet had to be cleaned. and Jesus wanted to be the one to do it. in fact, i LOVE how john says it in verse one “having loved his own who were in the world, he now showed them the full extent of his love.” then he goes on to tell how Jesus humbled Himself to wash their feet. then Jesus asks them if they know why he did what he did. i am sure he wanted to make sure they didn’t think it was JUST so they’d have clean feet for this meal. he tells them flat out in verse 16 “no servant is greater than his master, nor is a messenger greater than the one who sent him. ” they loved Jesus so much and served Him, and now He was telling them they were to serve all. then, He takes a minute to call Judas out, cause let’s face it, he wasn’t paying attention anyway. Jesus knew that. but, to me, it’s sad that the one with the dirtiest feet there missed out. but, then He tells them something new (verses 34-35) “a new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another. By this all men will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another.”

love. serve and love. THAT is how they will know you are mine. that is how they’ll know. not the preaching. not the miracles. not the money you give. not the wisdom. love. that’s how they’ll know.

but, the two….loving and serving….they completely go hand in hand, friend.

and can i tell you how unbelievably loved and served i have been these last months and months. people have prayed. and people have completely and practically served and loved. i am so thankful that God has been stripping me of so much of this junk. and yes, it is still hard to be the one that people are still having to help out so much. i SO look forward to it being my turn to bless others as i have been blessed. but, for now, i just keep trying to humble myself and accept this blessing.

and my heart is SO full hearing my sweet husband banging around outside. he MORE than deserves this day. i can’t even remember the last time he had six hours to himself to do projects, chores, or anything on his own, really. it has been waaaay too long. i am most thankful for that today.

so….where are you at with all of this, friend? are you like me…with feet that are “clean and sweet”? thank Him for that.

or are your hands wet from washing? may our great God bless you for that.

oooh, are you dry on all ends? i sure hope not.

but, if so. that can change. be practical. find someone to bless. it is easy. and more than rewarding. do it is His Name and be blessed. don’t do it for the blessing. do it because He has already blessed you.

“oh, but i’m not creative, i don’t know what to do.”

fine, i’ll help you.

put a $20 in an envelope for a friend and put no return address on it and just label it “babysitting money”, and maybe they can then go on a date!

get a gift card to a restaurant near someone’s house and leave it on their front porch, that will surely make one dinner easier for them.

flowers. plain and simple. daises make anyone’s day brighter. they are, after all, the friendliest flower! 🙂 (that was for you, dana!) 🙂

who couldn’t use a wal-mart gift card!?! or target? or payless?

buy lunch for the person in the drive thru line behind you. that is one of my favorites!! that blesses the person working at the window, too. just watch their face when you tell them what you’re doing and WHY! God gets the glory here, people!

maybe your budget squeaks it is so tight…i totally can relate. you can get a card of encouragement at the store for less than a dollar. look up a few verses for them, write them on note-cards so they can tape them up around their house or carry them in their car…and mail it. that is less than $2. you can afford that. if you can’t let me know, i will send you the $2, and i mean that.

goodness, where did you get such great ideas?? i’m telling you, friend. my feet are VERY clean and sweet. they have been for months because of amazing friends and family.

God wants us to wash people’s feet. maybe not literally. maybe so. only you know what He wants you to do.well, only you and Him, that is.

as for me…i lie here with a full heart hearing my hubby mowing the lawn now. i haven’t texted once to check on my kids. that is big, people. big. and my feet are “clean and sweet”. i am blessed. and friend, so are you.

proverbs 14:21 “He who despises his neighbor sins, but blessed is he who is kind to the needy.”

proverbs 22:9 “A generous man will himself be blessed, for he shares his food with the poor.”

jeremiah 17:7 “But blessed is the man who trusts in the Lord, whose confidence is in him.”

psalm 41:1 “Blessed is he who has regard for the weak; the Lord delivers him in times of trouble.”

psalm 89:15″Blessed are those who have learned to acclaim you, who walk in the light of your presence”

psalm 119:2 “Blessed are they who keep his statutes and seek him with all their heart.”

psalm 128:4 “Thus is the man blessed who fears the Lord.”

three and a half forever…

so recently, my sweet hubby and i got a phone call that we had hoped to get for a while. that’s right, ladies and gentlemen, a video we submitted months ago had been picked to be on america’s funniest home videos. 🙂 we are big fans of the show (not always of the people in the video clips, of course). my man especially has watched it from way back in the bob saget beginning days of the 1990’s. it is often hilarious and silly and fun. and over the years, there are a few life lessons we have gleaned from the show, just so you know…

1. standing on top of a table is almost never, ever a good idea

2. trampolines absolutely do have a weight limit and a certain lifespan for safety

3. boys brains leave their bodies from about age 12 through age 18 (and sometimes significantly longer)

4. holding a newborn baby above your head after they’ve eaten is not wise – ever!

5. a pinata must be clear of people in a 32 foot radius in every direction to ensure absolute safety

6. at a wedding you can expect one of the following to happen: a unity candle catching someone on fire, a groomsman passing out, a flower girl tantrum, something awkward being pulled out from under the bride’s dress instead of the garter, or a silly mess of cake all over a dress she spent months picking out and paid more for than any other item of clothing her entire life

and last but not least…

7. clearly no one from CPS has ever, ever watched the show…ever, or the whole thing would have been shut down decades ago

anyway…we got picked and a video of our sweet son was going to be on the show. we didn’t get picked as a finalist, but still, we were excited. and the video of our then two-year-old jacob being blown in the face with a leaf blower was absolutely hilarious. and no, i am not biased. 🙂 it really was. and yes, CPS did not need to be called, the kid loved it! 🙂 anyway, since we didn’t “win”, it got us thinking about the other clip we always said we’d send in someday. and me, with all this “spare time” on my hands decided to search the external hard drive on our computer for it. it didn’t take long to find because i remembered the exact date the video was taken. how could i remember that, you ask? that’s easy….

the video was taken on our eldest son, jacob’s fourth birthday. ryan and i video each child as we wake them up, singing happy birthday each year. we have done that each year for each kiddo, and this year was no different…or so we thought. as it turned out, it was quite different. so, we go in and start singing to him “happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you…” and all of a sudden, from the darkness of our adorable, precious first-born we hear, “NO! NO!” at first, ryan and i thought jacob was dreaming or not quite fully awake. he is, shall we say, a bit more like his daddy in the fact that he needs a bit more time before he prefers to be “cheerful” most mornings. (finally, a less desirable quality that our kids didn’t get from me!!:) anyway…we kept singing and sure enough jacob started crying and saying “NOOOOO!!!” we stopped and asked him what was going on, to which his sweet little voice replied “i don’t want to be four years old!”

what!?! we were shocked! the kiddo had already had his birthday party at the bounce house, which was (thankfully) a huge hit..which is more than i could say for his third birthday disaster at chuck-e-cheese…don’t even get me started about how terrified the kid was of chuck-e and how he had his eyes closed the ENTIRE time, yes, even opening presents and blowing out his candles! ugh. we could probably send that video in, too, in fact!

anyway…so we were shocked, he had been so excited about being four, at his party, all the build up to the big day and everything and now this!?! so we asked him…”why buddy, why don’t you want to be four years old?” and the conversation went a bit like this….

j: “cause i don’t want to have a lost tooth.”

us: “well buddy that doesn’t happen until you are at least five.”
(but for the record, in his logical brain, four was one step closer to five, so that was bad enough! not sure where the kid learned to worry like this!??!ugh)

j:”well i don’t want to be four either!” (tears)

us:” well, buddy what do you want us to do?”

j:” change me back into three!”

us:” we can’t buddy! you are four today.”

j:”well then, get a magic wand.”

us:” magic wands aren’t real jacob, that is just on tv.”

j:” but i don’t want to be a grown up. i don’t want to grow and grow!” (more tears)

us:” you aren’t a grown up buddy, you are only four years old! you won’t be a grown up for a long time!”

j:” well i just want to be three and a half forever!!” (lots more tears)

oh friend…it was absolutely pitiful. funny sort of, because he was just precious with his little speech impediment that he couldn’t quite say his “r’s” and his sweet, innocent round face. but really it was just sad. i left out a LOT of the story. we tried to remind him about how God made his body to get bigger and stronger each year and how silly it would be is mommy and daddy were still three and a half. and how his best buddy was four and how exciting it is to be four…we even tried to appeal to his naturally greedy child self and talk about all the four year old presents he’d have to give back if he wasn’t four, but he didn’t care. he pouted and cried and insisted that he wanted to be three and a half forever.

sounds so silly, doesn’t it? so childish. but as i watched the video again and again, it hit me so square in the face….ooohhh, we do that, don’t we??

we pout. we cry. we kick and we scream at God about things that we simply cannot change.

maybe you don’t. but i sure do.

but i don’t wanna be sick, God. (tears)

i don’t wanna spend one more stinkin’ day on this couch. (more tears)

why can’t i just be healed already!?!?!

why in the world didn’t you heal me in time to go to that women’s conference? it’s a women’s conference, God where i get to learn all about you?!? why would you not want me to go to that???

i’m tired of having bills pile up. why do i have to have all this stress in my marriage? why can’t my husband treat me like “so-and-so’s” husband does? these extra 35 pounds are awful. i am sick, do i have to feel fat and ugly too, seriously!?! what is the deal with these doctors, why can’t they just figure this out? i don’t want to be sick, God! i want to be happy and healthy forever! change me back into “me” again!!

again, maybe you don’t do this. maybe you don’t whine about how much your husband does or does not make. maybe you don’t complain about how someone else has characteristics that you just don’t possess. maybe you don’t pitch a fit about your life at all. good for you! unfortunately, i can’t say the same.

the fact is this, friend. ryan and i love jacob so much. we love each of our children, obviously. but jacob is our firstborn and there is something special about that. of course, there is something super special about our adorable middle child and our precious baby too. but, the point is that we love him so much. we would do anything him. but, on august 31st, of 2008 there wasn’t anything we could do for him, he was four years old and that was that. we listened to his concerns and his feelings. we validated them. we comforted him. but in the end, we had to tell him that he was in fact, four and the best thing he could do was try to have a happy heart about it.

i’ve heard it said that “you can get happy in the same panties you got mad in.”

so true.

life is tough, friend. there is a lot that is going to happen to us that we are not going to like. i have seen that a lot lately. in fact, today marks the day i was supposed to be taking a wonderful road trip with a lifelong best friend to new mexico to spend the weekend with an another amazing college best friend at the women’s conference that SO many people have been praying for me to be healed enough to go to. we had the faith, that is for sure. but, i am not healed. i am not there. you wanna know where i am?? on. my. stinkin. couch. shocking isn’t it? ok, not so much. and you know what? i do not know why. i may never know why. you know what else?? the mayo clinic denied my case. can you even believe that? i have applied for a re-review, but still…denied!?! really God? ugh.

i have said it before, friend. Jesus actually promises from His very own mouth that this world will bring us trouble (john 16:33) but He also promises that He has overcome this world. don’t know about you, but i am so thankful for the second half of that verse.

ask yourself how much time you spend wishing you were three and a half forever. what is it in your life that you just can’t seem to get over? you just can’t seem to be happy about? can you change it? then can i just look into this screen with a humble heart and tears in my eyes because i know how hard it can be sometimes and say, with LOVE….maybe you should just try to get over it? can you get happy in the same panties you got mad in? i encourage you to. life is too short, friend.

God is God. he doesn’t need your help figuring all this out. and He really doesn’t need my help. trust me, i’ve offered it up plenty of times. He consistently and politely refuses.

i’ve heard it said that “He wants for you what you would want for you if you knew what He knows.”

trust in that. rest in that. embrace everything He allows into your life as best you can. i know it is hard. trust me, i know. but, He will help you. Psalm 28:7 says “the Lord is my strength and shield, my heart trusts in Him and i am helped.” see…He’ll help you. 🙂

Psalm 29:11 says “the Lord gives strength to His people. the Lord blesses His people with peace.” what a blessing it is to know that! i can live without a lot, but peace, I NEED!!

in fact, matthew 6:8 says “do not be like them, for your Father knows what you need before you ask Him.” sigh. nice to know. 🙂

now, go blow out those four candles and have a happy birthday! 🙂

freak out or peace out

have you ever noticed how jumpy little wildlife can be?? ok, i know this is random, but really? have you? i live on a fairly quiet street…and in case you haven’t read my other posts…we happen to have a lot of trees on our property. if you have read my other posts, you may go ahead and insert your comment here. (uh-oh, here she goes about her trees again) 🙂 i do love my trees, but that is not what this about, this time.

but really…these trees and their little animal friends were here long before we were. i am sure this was a beautiful and dense forest before some dude came along with a bulldozer in the early 1980’s and made hickory hollow lane. thankfully, thousands of the trees were spared, each lot still has a hundred or so, i bet….so there is still ample room for the common furry friend to make his home and his fellow feathered friend as well. but, i must say…they sure do spook easy, these little guys.

back in my mobile days, when i was all over my property with the kids, i can recount many a time when i would be walking, minding my own business, even on the sidewalk for goodness sake…and then all of a sudden, AHHHH!!! a squirrel would dart from out of nowhere, almost covert ninja like, somehow right from under my foot and shoot across the grass, in two different directions, like a pinball clinging back and forth in a pinball machine, then propel its little self up and around the side of one of my glorious oak trees. all in 3.2 seconds flat. whew! it would make my breath catch in my throat and my heart skip a beat each time. and often, i felt the need to say “hey little buddy, i was just walking here, just taking the mail to the mailbox, dude…. i wasn’t trying to hurt you, i didn’t even see you there, don’t freak out, man!”

but, that’s not even the worst of it, sometimes, in fact, that was just the beginning. sometimes, that little furry guy would no sooner have scurried himself up to a safe distance away from me (his apparent mortal enemy), and then he would cause a freak out himself. he’d scramble out on a branch and then whoosh, a couple of our feathered friends would get spooked and then, squawking, would fly around in a frenzy, which, believe it or not, would sometimes freak their “next-nest” neighbor birds out in a nearby tree. i swear i could almost hear them “holy bird flu, what’s going on at the robin’s nest again, what’s that noise? we’re being attacked!! protect the eggs! protect the eggs!” (i know, i know, i’m a dork)

but, seriously….all this because i walked along my sidewalk to take the mail out. talk about an un-needed freak out. good thing i’m more stable than that. (insert sarcasm here)

the reason i bring this up is because i read something amazing recently that really stuck with me and God brought it to mind just this morning. why this morning? i’ll explain that later. first, let me share with you what i read.

i found it in a book i was reading by joyce meyers called “battlefield of the mind” and she was talking about having a worried and anxious mind. obviously something i can’t relate to at all. (again, me with the sarcasm) anyway…here is the direct quote from her book……

“concerning entering God’s rest i would like to say this: there is no such thing as “the rest of God” without opposition.
to illustrate, let me share a story i once heard about two artists who were asked to paint pictures of peace as they perceived it. one painted a quiet, still lake, far back in the mountains. the other painted a raging, rushing waterfall which had a birch tree leaning out over it with a bird resting in a nest on one of the branches.
which one truly depicts peace? the second one does, because there is no such thing as peace without opposition. the first painting represents stagnation. the scene it sets forth may be serene; a person might be motivated to want to go there (um, yes, me=motivated! i’ll go there!!) to recuperate. it may offer a pretty picture but it does not depict “the rest of God.”
Jesus said “peace i leave with you; my [own] peace i now give you and bequeath to you. not as the world gives do i give to you”… (john 14:27) His peace is a spiritual peace and, and His rest is one that operates in the midst of the storm — not in its absence. Jesus did not come to remove all opposition from our lives, but rather to give us a different approach to the storms of life. we are to take His yoke upon us and learn of Him. (matthew 11:29) that means that we are to learn His ways, to approach life in the same way He did.”

did you notice that this little bird she described is peaceful? resting calmly in its nest. no freak out there. i know they say pets start to take on the characteristics of their owners, but surely that doesn’t count for the wildlife around my house…or does it? if so, my furry and feathered friends don’t stand a chance! 🙂

but, when i read this, it was profound….truly. as i have said many times before, i am an incredibly visual person. i truly feel like this has been a burden and a blessing. the enemy has used this in the past when i can’t get a hold of a family member and i get worried, i have a running movie screen playing in my mind…i’ve pictured, literally, the car accident, or the fire, gotten the call, had to plan the funeral, tell my children…all of it. it is awful. not at all how God intended my creative and visual brain to be used, but welcome to my sometimes awful reality. our great God, however, uses this unbelievably visual brain of mine for great good sometimes. like this time. i can literally smell the water raging behind this little bitty bird. i can hear the raging waters. i can feel the pounding of the waves below and the reverberations as they hit the weak little birch tree branch i dangle on. you see…i am that little bitty bird. am i resting peacefully, though? i guess that depends on the day…the hour…the minute.

today i received some discouraging news. to make a loooong story short(er)….i was “supposed” to have a procedure done two fridays ago….a procedure by the way, that should help me out tremendously and maybe even heal this current issue, or at least provide quite a bit of relief…but due to some mis-communication between two doctors offices, it didn’t happen. so, a few days later, i was calling to find out why, discovered the mis-communication….ok, no big deal…gonna hold my peace. ok, well, let’s just get the two doctors talking and then we will be fine. but, then i found out that one doctor is out of town on vacation for a week. so, wait some more. ugh. so…today is the day (now, 12 days later) that i should be able to get a hold of the docs and clear it all up and schedule the procedure. i had planned to call the doc at 9am and get this going. but, alas, my phone rang at 8:04am and it was his office! cool!! i thought. not so much. instead of the good news i was expecting, i found out that the two docs did in fact talk and they feel that we should wait some more, we should not in fact, even do the procedure. let’s just wait for the mayo clinic to get back to us. so…here i was thinking relief would finally come. and now, i am left to just wait some more. still in pain. still no answers. still no end in sight. and for those of you who have been praying for the last month…this thursday marks the day i was supposed to go to that women’s conference with my dear friend from college at her church. supposed to. barring a flat out miracle between then and now, which i completely believe could happen…i will not be going. i still cannot even sit up. talk about my desire to just flat out wanna freak out. ugh.

so, here i am…dangling out on my birch tree branch…being splashed in the face, once again….my nest is wet…my eggs are soaked…daddy bird is beyond weary from taking care of us all….but friend, i must choose to rest. i must.

the other option is to leave the nest. but, what good would that do? opposition would follow. if it isn’t a raging waterfall, it would be a forest fire, or for goodness sake, a freaked out squirrel. and my faith would be no stronger.

i was upset at first. i won’t lie. bummed. frustrated. confused. sad. but, then, i had a great moment this morning when God gave me a wonderful praise song i was able to blare ridiculously loud (my folks took the kids to run errands, so it was just me here!) i thought these lyrics were amazing and fit so well with where i was today. not sure about you, but i often am spoken to through lyrics as well. i love it!

this is from the band – fee – and the song is “everything falls”

You said
you’d never leave or forsake me
when you said,
this life is gonna shake me
you said
this world is gonna bring trouble on my soul
this I know

when everything falls apart
your arms hold me together
when everything falls apart
you’re the only hope for this heart
when everything falls apart
and my strength is gone
I find you mighty and strong
you keep holding on
you keep holding on

when I see
darkness all around me
when I see
that tragedy has found me
I still believe
your faithful arms will never let me go
and still I know

when everything falls apart
your arms hold me together
when everything falls apart
you’re the only hope for this heart
when everything falls apart
and my strength is gone
I find you mighty and strong
you keep holding on
you keep holding on

i encourage you to look it up and listen to it. it is powerful and has a very cool violin part, i love. i pretend to play the “air violin” – which i know isn’t quite as “cool” as the air guitar, but still, it’s cool. and so true. my strength is beyond gone, friend. but i find Him mighty and strong. He does keep holding on….when everything falls apart. this is a promise for me and for you.

john the baptist tell us in his gospel that Jesus said (16:33) “”I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.”

and this written by a guy who got his head cut off about a guy who was hung on a cross. i’m thinking my troubles aren’t as bad.

and this isn’t a “maybe” things will be tough. it is a promise from Jesus’ own mouth. this world isn’t going to be easy. sorry, i’m not trying to be negative or pessimistic. trust me, that is not my nature. in fact, to a fault, i am usually a blind optimistic. which is why i choose to focus on the end of the verse more…HE has overcome this world. whew. thank goodness!!!

so, i will stick this out. and dear friend, i encourage you to do the same. don’t freak out. let’s me and you be like those hippies of the 70’s man, and just pace out, man, peace out. 🙂 like i always say…your deal right now may not be health issues. maybe you are having drama with your finances, or your marriage, or your job, or your kids, or your parents. i don’t know. i know Who does know, though. the One who rested amidst the storm Himself while His 12 buddies did the freak out thing. (mark 4) the One who knows exactly where you are… in this very nest, by this very raging, rushing waterfall. He knows. so…don’t pray for the stagnant lakeside serene painting. faith is not grown there. just rest. and i will try to do the same.

peace out, man. 🙂

i am not alone

here first, i will write a VERY brief (ya sure, it is me here) medical update so that you can sort of understand what in the world has been “wrong” with me….(feel free to skip this first part if you know it all already or don’t feel like hearing it all!)

almost exactly three years ago i got viral meningitis. i was pricked six times (ouch!) for the spinal tap and then i developed what they call “spinal headaches” from that, due to a leak in my spinal fluid. this leaking causes the pressure in your head to change because your brain is no longer being cushioned by spinal fluid that is leaking out and causes severe headaches when you are upright, but is relieved when lying down because leaking is much less. so, i got two blood patches (where they take blood from your arm and shoot it into your spine in hopes that it clots) to “patch” up the leak. i suffered a bulging disc and serious numbness in my arms and legs for a year after that every time i lied down, and then it kinda all went away, sort of. then, last november i got the spinal headaches again (this time i knew exactly what they were since i had them in the past) and after months of being flat on my back because the doctors weren’t convinced that’s what it was (it “didn’t make sense” to them why i’d be “leaking” again two years after the awful spinal tap) i had two more blood patches and the headaches went away. but, also at that same time, i had NO energy, literally couldn’t lift my limbs to move or walk at all. they did blood tests and discovered i had ZERO cortisol in my body. this is the stress hormone that helps you get out of bed, deal with stress, illness, “fight or flight” reaction, basically function in life…and i had none. they concluded that my pituitary gland was failing to tell my adrenal gland to make the stuff. ( i know, i know…what are those glands? just go with me here, it is too much to explain and it goes beyond my knowledge of the hip bone’s connected to the thigh bone) they jacked me up on WAY too much steroids (hydrocortisone- the fake version of cortisol) and told me it was all unrelated. so, for months i had to deal with the AWFUL effects of having WAY too much steroids in my body and having to taper this drug lower and lower every few weeks. i went into adrenal crisis a few times and was hospitalized because any time i got real sick, or got a ruptured ovarian cyst, for instance, (SO not cool!) my body couldn’t react. fast forward about eight months and this summer i began to have the spinal headaches again, yes…again. i went back to hospital again, this time for 16 days while they ran tons of tests and still decided it was “just” a spinal fluid leak. they tried two more blood patches and apparently they didn’t work. that was four weeks ago and i am still flat on my back, in serious pain every time i get up for more than about 5 minutes. whew. (yes, that really was the short version)

now…back to the good stuff 🙂

so, lately i have a lot, and i do mean A LOT of time on my back and with the ability to be on the computer. now, i honestly don’t just lie around and watch tv and play on facebook all day. what a waste that would be. in fact, i don’t do either that much at all during the day…for lots of reasons. believe it or not, that gets OLD very quickly. there is nothing good on tv during the day, and one can only watch so much hgtv, friend. and, being that my friends are not also lying around all day on their facebook, it isn’t much fun to not be updated every minute or two. but, the main reason is because my wonderful parents are here with either abigail and/or benjamin during the day and i want to be a part of it. often, they are just fine with only nana and grandpa ( that hurts a bit… ok, it hurts a lot) but i do try to get them to interact with “mama on the couch” as much as possible. but, they are four years and eighteen months old so, that gets old for them, pretty quickly. they wanna run around, play games all over the house, go outside, etc. understandable. still hurts mama, though.

anyway…i was actually on the computer the other day and decided to research online what i was going through. now, for those of you who have ever had a medical drama of any kind, you know this can be dangerous. often, you find out waaay more than you wanted to know. you can look up three harmless symptoms and find out that you are for sure either the carrier of a 1 in a million chance of liklihood rare disease that gives you three months to live, and those same symtoms might turn up that you have a foot fungus, go to walgreens and get some anti-itch cream and it will be gone in a week. who knows. it is retarded really. and something i have tried not to do too much in all these months and months, because honestly, it can be dangerous. there is a fine line between being your own advocate, researching for yourself or taking every thing the doctor says as truth, and then obsessing over this thing. anyway…i hadn’t been online about it all in a while and wanted to see if there was anything else i could be doing to help heal this spinal fluid leak to heal. (i was pretty sure i knew the answer, (wait and PRAY!) but i felt the desire to check…thank you holy Spirit…now i know why!)

i was looking around at some results that came up…some people who had gone through similar history as mine, some way worse, others not as traumatic…and how their doctors treated it…what worked, what didn’t, etc. then, i found a link to a facebook group that someone had made specifically for spinal fluid leakers. interesting. i was intrigued. so, i got on my fb account and looked the group up. i couldn’t believe it. 256 members. whoa. i read through pages and pages of posts of people who were going through what i was going through RIGHT NOW and how they were supporting each other, updating each other, giving advice to each other, praying for each other, just being there for each other. it was unbelievable. and you know what i did?? that’s right, i cried. (shocker, i know) it is hard to explain what it was like to see that there were other people out there describing the exact same pain i am in. some of them were on the other side of it, but still posting comments for the “rest of us” to help us get through. wow.

one girl has been bed-ridden for 18 months and just found out that her daughter inherited this disease (likely makes her susceptible to a weak dura, or lining around spinal chord, and causes problems like mine) and has a tumor now…her 10-year old daughter. so sad.

one girl had been flat on her back for 56 days and had to postpone her wedding. her wedding!! can you imagine?? she was praising God because she was feeling better now, her leak had healed and she will be married next week. what a joy everyone on the page shared with her and they couldn’t wait to see pictures!

i posted my story and heard back from people within an hour. i was stunned. they were so compassionate and understanding and they KNEW exactly what i was feeling and going through. all of it. they opened up their lives to me immediately!! they were kind, empathetic, had great advice…and they were just THERE for me, ya know??? in fact…i met three women who had even had the adrenal crisis that i have had too at the same time. I COULDN’T BELIEVE IT!! they explained to me how it is all related. (yep, insert more tears here) all this time, my doctors have said that my two “problems” were “un-lucky” and un-related. i didn’t believe it. i just knew it couldn’t be. now i knew that there were others who had the same issues i had. and it gave me a whole new sense of hope.

hope.

i love Jesus. so, i have always had hope. well, maybe i shouldn’t say always. always is what we call in our house, a “strong” word. i have had my less-than-hopeful moments here and there…as i am sure you can imagine, over the last year or two…or three. but, overall, i have remained hopeful…for sure. why? because i have faith. they go together. hebrews tells us that…. “now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see.” (heb. 11:1) i am hopeful of my healing, although i do not see it right now. i am certain God is with me even though i do not see Him physically.

but, oh do i see Him.

i saw Him through my computer screen yesterday. this had Him written all over it. for sure. i can’t do anything but grin from ear to ear and thank Him for this gift.

i sit here now though (ok, i lie here) and ache a bit. this has got to be what people who don’t know the Lord feel like. they think they have it all together. they are tootin’ around in their lives, doing “ok”… but, deep down somewhere they are missing something. they know it. whether they acknowledge it or not is one thing. they might bury it deep, deep, to the darkest part of their hearts…but it is there. God put that longing for Him in each of us. but, friend…what happens when they finally come?? when they meet you??? when they meet me?? when they reach out and find YOUR facebook page???

i can’t help but think what would have happened had this group not accepted me? “de-friended” me? if no-one would have written back and tried to relate to me at all?? or if my drama would have been too much for them? oh, that would have crushed me. to finally feel like i may have found a place where others might “get me” and all i’ve been through…only to find i was wrong…again. oh, that hurts so deep.

a sweet friend of mine came over to help out and “babysit” me 🙂 recently and she was talking about an old boss of hers. he wasn’t a very nice man at all. very rough to work for. he treated everyone with rudeness, contempt, arrogance, harsh words, judgment…you get the idea. he was awful to work for, apparently. then, he got non-hodgkins lymphoma. and he survived it. and you know what…nothing changed. that’s right. he went back to being the exact. same. way. and something she said hit me so hard… “you’d think after something like that, it would really change a person and you’d be able to tell a difference!”

whoa. that one got me.

NO…i am not AT ALL comparing my awful last year (or even the pretty rough two years before that, when all this started) to having cancer….do not mistake me here. not even close. but, i will tell you this….when she said that, later i was replaying it in my head and i thought of myself. ooooohhh how i want to learn every single gigantic, enormous, big ol’ thing and every itty bitty minuscule thing He is wanting to teach me through this trial. every. single. thing. i want not one of these days wasted. not a one. oh how i want others to be able to see a huge change in me. huge. bigger than huge. well, i don’t want them to see me at all, actually. i want them to see Jesus.

so, friend. no matter where you are. no matter what you are going through or what you have been through. or what you will go through. if you are breathing in and out right now, He’s not done working in and through you. be assured of that. in the past, He has tried to teach you things. He has tried to mold you. have you let Him? my answer has been NO so many more times that i would prefer to admit to you.

oh how i encourage you to be like these wonderful “fellow leakers” as they call themselves. be so open with people. don’t put up walls. we, as believers should have no walls between us and others who are trying to figure out what it is about us that is “different”. we dress up our walls with Scripture and crosses and faux finish…but they still keep people out. ugh. be authentic. God made you the way you are. He makes no mistakes. He didn’t get done with you and say to Himself “oh man, that one didn’t turn out so great, i’ll do better next time. four million three hudredt thousandth time’s a charm, eh?!”

maybe you haven’t had health issues. but, friend, YOU HAVE ISSUES. i’m willing to bet the ranch on it. and i don’t even have a ranch. 🙂

let Him use it. every last ugly part of it. if it was ugly and now it’s not..guess what?? HE gets glory for that! how cool is that!?! if it was ugly and it still ain’t pretty, then, well…maybe you should go to Him about it and let Him know something fresh you are thinking and feeling about it. give Him some confessions about it. lay it all out. get that thing pretty, so He can get some glory and the walls can come down.

i have never been alone. i have God. i have an amazing support system. people, who, for some reason (it’s gotta be cause they love God, and me, i guess, too) stick right by me through all my drama.

but now i also have fellow leakers. i have a new group to support me. isn’t that just like God. He’s fed me (the five-thousand) but now He’s also gathered up the left-over 12 baskets full (my fellow-leakers) and is not letting one thing be wasted. (see John 6, or any of the gospels, really)

i just love Him. and i love you all, too!!

amen.

hold the mayo

oh friends, i have soooo many issues. (shocking, i know) but, i do, for real. 🙂 many of my issues, at least the non-serious ones, have to do with food. i have shared in a past blog or two about some of them…

can’t handle smooth texture and crunchy and chunky together…ex: eating yogurt, oh yum, nice and smooth, and then AH! oh wait, a random chunk of something, UGH! no thank you. not happenin’…no way, no how.

cottage cheese – never, no way, can’t handle it. it is spoiled, chunky milk, people!! i can’t even type anymore about it. (shudder!)

i don’t like my food to touch on the plate…no oozing of the ketchup over onto the peas, or the juices from the corn over near the potatoes…yuck! God gave some amazing person the wisdom to invent the divided plate for a reason, people. c’mon.

i have a firm no “funky salad” rule. salad, by sheer definition is leafy and green. the end. no pasta salad. no potato salad. no chicken salad. no tuna salad. (no tuna, ever, actually) no jello salad mold. no molds of any sort. let’s keep salad at it’s fundamental meaning here, ok? somehow, a long time ago, probably at some baptist pot luck event, this got waaay out of control. it is time to rope this thing back in. can i get an amen? (a nice respectful one from the front row?) i’m only teasing. i LOVE baptists, presbyterians, catholics, non-denominationals…we all serve and love Jesus right? i’m just being silly people, please don’t get your Sunday britches in a bunch, ok? 🙂 laugh a little and let’s move on….

this leads me to the whole concept of mustard and mayo. not a fan. of either one. people are often astounded of this. they look at me as if i have just told them that i really have a third arm that i have been hiding all this time under my shirt. seriously?? no…i do not like either one at all. and no, i’m not a communist. after they have gathered their composure, i always get the same exact question…”well, what do you eat on a sandwich?” and i always reply “i either put ranch dressing on it (like any good texan would…or at least i did pre-gluten free life) or i just…eat…it…dry.” gasp. wide-eyed stare. again, as if i have just shown them the third arm and waved happily to them. people can’t imagine a sandwich without mustard or mayo. but, trust me, it ain’t half bad.

now, i will admit that i have been a “big girl” and at least tried them both. held my nose to do it, of course, but i did it. and the reason i confess that to you is because there are a lot – and i do mean A LOT – of things that i claim not to like, but i have not technically tried them. i do, however know myself well enough to make it a pretty fair bet that i won’t. want a list?

peaches – like the flavor – can’t handle the fuzz. c’mon people, fuzz?!?! ugh.

calamari – ain’t no way that thing is sliding down my throat. my dad fed it to my darling baby girl, without my knowledge of course. yes, she loved it. i guess she is her daddy’s girl.

most chinese food (most “ese” foods actually, as i call them, japanese, tawainese, etc) – i figure if i can’t even handle the smell, how could they possible taste any better? see…i do have logic. i have tried and do like the lettuce wraps at pei wei (again, pre-gluten free life) and enjoyed them thoroughly so as to not be a complete loser and embarrassment to my sweet hubby who eats and loves just about anything. poor guy. ( i promise he picked me people, and he loves me, he didn’t lose a bet or anything!) 🙂

i could go on and on, but i am quite sure that you already think me a total fool and i feel sure i’ve made my point. i am a weirdo. 🙂

so, when ordering a sandwich, i have become quite accustomed to saying, “hold the mayo”… and eating it dry. and liking it really. but, i must be honest….over these last 11 months, through this medical drama i have been facing…this phrase has been rattling around in my head as something altogether different.

ya see…there is this great place, the mayo clinic, up in rochester, minnesota (which is up north somewhere, yes…i looked it up. my atrocious geography is a hole ‘nother blog for a whole ‘nother day) that many people dear to me have been subtly (and sometimes not so subtly) mentioning to me…”you just need to go to mayo”…”why haven’t you gone to mayo?”…”girl…maybe the mayo clinic can figure it out”…i have heard it all. and these people love me. they mean well, they truly do. i know that. but, i have been responding like i always do, “hold the mayo” dude, i will eat it dry. and trust me, i have been.

if you have read any of these other posts, you know that i have likened these months and months to my own “blessed and blasted wilderness”…my own journey through a very long, sun-scorched, dry desert with no Promised Land in sight. (where are joshua and caleb when a girl needs them, eh?)

why in the world would you put off going to the mayo clinic you fool?…might be what you are thinking right now. or some nicer (or not nicer) version of that. i have no good answer. or at least none that makes a heck of a lot of sense outside my weirdo brain. but, here’s what i’ve got….

maybe because i didn’t want to think things were that bad?

maybe because the thought of having to travel that far and be away from my kids that long again was only for the terminally ill?

maybe because that was a sign of defeat? (see, at least i’m over the pride thing, right!?! ugh.)

maybe because the thought of starting over AGAIN with a whole new set of doctors AGAIN makes me wanna scream?

maybe because it would cost a CRAZY about of money for two people who have already spent a crazy amount of money?

maybe because what if i go there and they can’t figure anything out either, then what?

maybe because that place is so amazing, they could find out something worse is really wrong?

silly isn’t it. ya, well….it is easy to judge. trust me, i have. i have tried on the distinguished black robe, swiveled around in the big fancy chair, and done it myself. i do NOT reccommend it though. (matthew 7:1-2) and, friend….it is hard to explain it unless you are in it…when it is your life so very altered…..and your kids’ faces asking the questions again and again….and your arms full of bruises from yet another round of iv’s and tests….it is hard to explain to immense difficulty that comes from month after month after month of unanswered questions. you would think i’d jump at the chance to get this over and solved. but you are forgetting that i have a relentless enemy (1 peter 5:8) who is working overtime to keep me under the rule of the ONE THING that drives every one of those questions up above…do you know what that one thing is? do you recognize it from experience? i pray you don’t. however, i recognize it as well as my own three armed reflection in the mirror. it is the most awful four-letter word in my life..it is F E A R…and it has been a driving force for me for a good portion of my life. no longer, friend. no longer.

throughout these last months, this fear thing (along with about 14 other things like pride, my controlling nature, patience, humility…the list goes on and on, unfortunately, and on and on) has been the thing God has been working on the most. faith and fear are like oil and water. they do…not…mix. so, for all this time, when i have had these thoughts running around, i have picked fear. yes, i still have faith in God, but in this case, for this instance, i am living in fear and not in faith. and i hate it. so…i am fighting against that now…and fortunately i have help. (psalm 118:7) i have been collecting LOTS of great truth from God’s Word about fear and been standing firmly on that….i have been careful about what i think about (phil 4:8) and watch and listen to and read. and God has, obviously been faithful the more and more i seek Him. He’s amazing like that. (heb. 10:23 psalm 28:7 deut. 33:27 eph. 6:16 1 cor. 10:13)

so…here we are quickly approaching the one year “anniversary” (no, please, no gifts:) of when this all started back up again. yes, it really all began three years ago with an awful case of meningitis and six..that’s right…SIX pricks in my back for the spinal tap. that, followed by a year of numbness in my arms and legs every single time i lied down. and one denial from the mayo clinic. that’s right. i allowed it back then. i think, i kinda knew they wouldn’t take me then. they didn’t. now, i think they might. and now i’m not afraid. why?

maybe things aren’t really that bad?

maybe the road trip will be fun for ryan and i and maybe i will be the “well-est” (i know, it is so not a real word) person they’ve seen in a while and be back home quickly?

maybe this is a sign of true victory?

maybe i, or at least my case, will be a blessing to this whole new group of doctors?

maybe insurance will cover the whole stinkin’ thing?

maybe they’ll figure out the whole thing (adrenal stuff, spinal stuff, all of it!) and how it all relates to each other, finally!?

maybe because this place is so amazing, they’ll find the answer to be so minor and so easy we can hardly believe it!?

did you see what i did there friend? i went back. that’s right. i went back and i took every thought captive that was made from fear and CHANGED it to one of faith. i encourage you to do the same. it is an action. it takes a conscious decision on your part. but, it is worth it.

be brave.

i love nichole nordeman. some of her lyrics fit perfectly here….(from song,”brave”)

The gate is wide
The road is paved in moderation
The crowd is kind and quick to pull you in
Welcome to the middle ground
You’re safe and sound and
Until now it’s where I’ve been

‘Cause it’s been fear that ties me down to everything
But it’s been love, Your love, that cuts the strings

So long status quo
I think I just let go
You make me want to be brave
The way it always was
Is no longer good enough
You make me want to be brave
Brave, brave

so, bring it on. bring on the mayo. in fact, can i have extra mayo here please!?! pile it on. layer upon oozy layer. i am ready.

thank you Jesus.

amen.

ps. this is figurative obviously. i’m not a fool. i still won’t actually eat the stuff. sorry. unless of course, they find that is the cure for adrenal insufficiency and spontaneous spinal fluid leaks…then i will. and personally, i would find that quite ironic. and unfortunate, to be honest. but, i’d do it. i’d hold my nose, but i’d do it. 🙂

and the one after….

i heard a whole sermon once about looking at the verse after. it was fascinating. this man or woman (i honestly can’t remember where i heard this! was it women’s retreat? was it pastor bill? my dear friend beth moore?? ok, we aren’t really friends, but oh i think we would be fast friends if she lived here! 🙂 but, ugh, i hate it when i can’t give credit where credit is due. i can tell you for sure it wasn’t me!) anyway, they had taken time to look up all these “famous” verses….sorry, but that makes me laugh, as if some of God’s Word is less famous that others. sorry.

anyway…focus.

ok, so they had taken the ones that lots of people know like John 3:16 and Colossians 3:23 and Jeremiah 29:11….etc. anyway…they did a whole discussion on how ALL of God’s world is great and relevant and how sometimes, we, silly little humans (my words, not theirs) get stuck in a rut and only focus on what we know. we constantly go back to the truths we have always gone back to, and sometimes we are missing another equally great truth right there next to it! anyway…this fascinated me and it sort of became a game. so, now, sometimes when i am studying, i will do that just for fun. it doesn’t always work out to be beneficial when you get something random, but then you could always try the verse before as well. although, for me sometimes, it becomes a vicious cycle of sorts because then i find a great verse after and think “ok, now i should look at the verse after that!” i guess you can’t really have a “vicious” cycle of studying God’s Word, can you? 🙂 but, often, you will be shocked at how context can truly help you better understand where your “old faithful” verse you’ve known and gone back to, is coming from or leading to.

well, i recently (about 10 minutes ago:) wrote all about my life verse, which is philippians 4:6-7 (ooh it feels so comfy and warm to call it that! my life verse! i don’t drink hot drinks, but if i did, i would imagine that is what i feel right now)

and now i truly want to share the verse after it with you…i am sure you have heard it…but it is such a good one too…and then, friend…i am going to live it out.

phil. 4:8 “Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable-if anything is excellent or praiseworthy-think about such things.”

i love this verse, because paul (inspired by God, of course) was covering all bases here and making sure he had everything covered as to what we should be “thinking” on. He knows me too well. for me, anything worth doin’ is worth over-doin’…so i appreciate that He didn’t stop at just true…or even just true and noble. He gave us a lot of other options. and also, noteworthy, is the word “think” here….also used as “dwell” in another version. it is the greek word λόγος translated logizomai. from what i could understand, looking it up…it is more of an accounting word… read this stuff i found 🙂 “to reckon inward, count up or weigh the reasons, to deliberate; to consider, take into account, weigh, meditate on; This word deals with reality. If I reckon (logizomai) that my bank book has $25 in it, it has $25 in it. Otherwise I am deceiving myself. This word refers more to fact than supposition or opinion.”

ooh, LOVE that. it has more to do with fact.

so….friends….the rest of this blog post will have to do with all of the true, noble, right, pure, lovely, admirable, excellent and praiseworthy things that i should be thinking about and thanking God for on a VERY regular basis.

i encourage you to do the same. take time. (i know, i know…who has time?well, um, you do.) and either write them down, and at least speak them out. be thankful and think (DWELL) on these facts. i am so blessed. and friend, so are you.

ryan. that’s it. my sweet hubby…especially over this last year embodies so many of those characteristics. is he perfect? well, no silly. but he is a better person that i am. and i sure do love him and thank God for him!! (plus, he’s hot! i know, i know that doesn’t matter, but it is true and he’s my man and i’m allowed to say it, but again, i know he’s gonna kill me 🙂 sorry baby! 🙂

my jacob. he is six now and getting too big. but there is still that moment first thing in the morning, when he comes out of his room to find me on the couch and he will just crash into me and stay there. letting me hold him, tell him how happy i am to see him and how much i love him and missed him overnight. pure joy there for mama of such a “big boy”.

benjmain’s joyful spirit. my sweet middle child and how he will run up to me and for no apparent reason say “i love you so much, mommy, i just love you SO much” or “i’m gonna take good care of you, mommy, i promise!”. God placed quite a special heart in that boy.

oh sister friend. my darling baby girl, abigail. what a mess she is. a beautiful mess. just like her mama. (the mess part, not the beautiful part…trust me, i am not vain!) she is the sunlight in any room. and she flat cracks me up. and can i just say how i love that God made her hair soft golden blonde and curly. i get joy from running my fingers through it. when she stops long enough to let me, that is. 🙂

the way my backyard sounds when it is just me and the wind and my trees. (i know, i’m obsessed, but i wish you could see…hear…feel it, trust me, you’d get it)

scrambled eggs just the way i like them, made by my loving mom who just does all things just right for me

being served day in and day out by my dad and step-mom, who have sacrificed so much time, sleep, money, LIFE to care for my family. talk about noble.

a letter i received exactly when i needed to receive it that spoke truth and wisdom into me about how much God really loves me, by someone who i can’t thank God for enough. (yes, little sister, it is you.:)

cheery yellow flowers in a happy smiley face mug…who could not love that!?! and then daises too! after all, they are the friendliest flower! 🙂

taking a nice warm bath, and feeling clean and sweet after days of feeling, well, not so much

friend after selfless friend who has taken time out of their busy schedule to come over and help take care of my kiddos, bring us a meal (or three!) throw the ball to benjamin, chase after abigail, drive various kiddos to school, and love on me all at the same time. noble and pure hearts you all have.

my dearest friend and neighbor who calls each and every day to check on me. who knew how God would bless us so much, after 12 years of friendship and now neighbors, raising our kids together, talk about praiseworthy!!!! couldn’t be more thankful, just flat couldn’t be.

not having to wear makeup for days on end and getting to wear gym shorts and tshirts daily (one for the few perks of my current situation) 🙂

an anonymous gift, a love offering. whoever you were, wherever you are. i am humbled and so grateful. i hope you got your thank you note. i meant every single word.

hearing that complete strangers are praying faithfully for you…can’t describe how humbling that is and how grateful i am.

writing. isn’t it amazing when you are in the middle of doing the thing that you feel you were meant to do? it feels right, pure, peaceful, true. i thank God for that. He gets the glory too. (but don’t blame Him for the atrocious grammar, and laziness for not capitalizing, that’s all me!)

ice cream. enough said there. 🙂

hearing from someone that you haven’t heard from in forever but that you love so dearly. isn’t it awesome how God can bless your day so tremendously like that!?! i mean, you just wanna jump through the phone or computer and wrap your whole self around their whole self and sit and talk for a whole day. my life has been filled with those kinds of people.

silly kid talk. hearing jacob read a word wrong but sounds so cute and “big” trying to fix it. benjamin still saying “yogret” instead of yogurt. abigail’s sweet voice saying “day-du mama” for thank you, mama. don’t you wish you could just trap their little voices in a bottle???? sigh, i do.

puppy dog breath. i know it sounds awful, especially cause i’m not a dog person and i DO NOT mean actual puppy dog breath, because that is gross to me, but for some reason (probably got this from my sweet friend i nannied for in college, i get lots of fun phrases from her, including “sister friend” and “love, love”:) that is what i call it when my kids first wake up…they hug you and they have puppy dog breath. so innocent and so sweet.

watching each of my VERY uniquely made, very different kiddos and seeing them grow each day into who they will be. a little of me…a little of ryan….what a joy to be a part of.

a middle of the night hospital visit in the pouring rain by a true man of God, a faithful friend a faithful “tent-maker” 🙂

text after text with prayer after prayer from step-dad, friends, family, everyone…these truths, this support….so excellent of all of you, so needed by me

watching football with my man and having my kiddos playing all around us their own re-enactment of what is going on, taking turns…yes, even abigail, with the texas tech helmet…it is hilarious

i am just so blessed friend. i could go on and on and on. i have left out so much. the problem with this type of post is that i will remember more later and want to add on. great problem to have though. to be that blessed. to have that many true, noble, right, pure, lovely, admirable, excellent and praiseworthy FACTS that i can DWELL on.

in my current trial, i can think of no better way to spend, account for, weigh to or reckon my thoughts than by dwelling on all He has done for me. I truly hope you will do the same.

enjoy your day, friend. enjoy.

shopping for a life verse

ok, so have you ever heard of anyone saying that they had a “life verse”?? well, i have, and i was always a little jealous of that. i know, i know…i am awful, aren’t i? jealous of a life verse? seriously?? how pathetic can one get? gimme time…you shall see. and ignorance breeds lots of emotions that we aren’t intended to have, friend. stick with me.

i didn’t get it. i wanted to ask them…where did you get this life verse? was it given to you? assigned to you in children’s church and i was absent that day and didn’t get my little sticker for attendance? cause c’mon people, i was a good little presbyterian, i went to church every week…i wasn’t aware of a life verse.

maybe it was when they were older? maybe when they went to church camp and a super cool counselor with a name like “chief” or “jellybean” gave it to them after a profound experience with God at the age of 12. well, i was always a scaredy-cat…like, BIG time, and wouldn’t stay away from home for a week, so that didn’t happen. but, shoot…i did WORK at a Christian camp for like almost ten summers…and it was never listed as part of my staff training manual. (ooh, staff training manuals…sorry, gotta take a minute here. if any camp people read this blog, didn’t we just LOVE those staff training manuals!?! he he he. by the way, if you didn’t return yours, you still owe camp $2..he, he, he!! and yes, i used both chief and jellybean’s names on purpose up there!! love love you both!)

was it in youth group maybe….our church growing up didn’t really have a “youth group”, persay…so i was very involved in young life at my high school. was i too busy playing hot potato with raw spam that i missed the “get your live verse here” booth one week at metro or something??

my wedding day, maybe?? barnone one of the best days of my life, but still we didn’t dance back down the aisle to james brown’s ” i feel good” with life verse in hand. ok, maybe when i was baptized as a grown up?? man, that was a very cool day, though! and i got a very cool certificate, but no life verse written on the back. maybe when we dedicated our kiddos in front of the church? again, nice certificate, but no life verse for me…oh shoot..or them either! oh no, now i’m a bad mom, too….ugh!! maybe when i was blessed to get to go on staff at my amazing church?? (if you read this….man, i miss you guys and girls!!) we were asked to use a verse for our password into the computer system. oh man, i bet all the other staff members used their life verses for their passwords. shoot, i wonder if they knew i didn’t have one.

ugh…..how could i have been a Christian this long and have no idea where to pick one of these bad boys up??? oh man, i’ve got it!! i didn’t go to a Christian school. is that it?? do you think they only pass them out there? i sure hope not. i actually thought that once. so sad, isn’t it. i could ask around i guess….but ooohh, that pride thing can be tricky, can’t it?? didn’t want to see the look on someone’s face as if to say “seriously dude, you don’t have a life verse by now!?!” well, how about Ez 14:6 ” Repent! Turn from your idols and renounce all your detestable practices!” well, clearly pride isn’t getting in my way anymore since i am writing about it for all to read.

i have come to terms with the following truth, and i could be wrong….it would only be like the 2,396 time today (by the way, it is only 9:45am) and i’m ok with that…. it is what it is. but here is what i think….maybe this life verse is something only God can give me. hmmmm. and maybe He’s been trying to give it to me for a while now. a looooong while.

can i tell you the verse that has impacted me the most in my entire life? can i tell you the verse that NO MATTER WHAT, i can always quote, word for word…doesn’t matter how long it’s been? can i tell you the verse that hits me in the eye, through the heart, in the depths of my mind every…single…stinkin’…time??

phil 4:6-7 “Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.”

that is it friend. that is it. man oh man…someday i will open up more to you about how the first five words of that verse have changed my life….seriously, i could write a whole book about it. and if He keeps stripping this pride down and down and down like He is…maybe i will. i could write on and on and about how His faithfulness even just these last few months has LIVED OUT LOUD how His peace alone, which transcends all understanding (in my speak “which makes no stinkin’ sense to me!”) WILL absolutely guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. again, i could write a whole book about it. not because i have a degree in theology. not because i can ever keep straight if sarai was married to abraham or jacob…my memory stinks. (i was right! i just looked it up….sarai (sarah) was abram (abraham’s) wife and poor jacob had the whole rachel and leah thing going…another story for another blog)…but i could write it because GOD alone has shown off in my life with how He can prove Himself true through even just one verse, not to mention the whole Bible. my life is testimony, friend. trust me.

i am a person of words. i know that surprises some of you. ha.

i have waaaay too many of them for a day. i think this blogging thing blesses my sweet ryan most of all because it allows me to get at least some of my words out of my head and not all over his sweet self in the few minutes and hours we get together a day! 🙂 “hey honey,. i got to write today” huge sigh of relief comes over his face. 🙂 poor thing, didn’t stand a chance when he picked me for life.

my point is this. for someone who never ever lacks for words, ever. for someone who has multiple conversations a day with me, myself and i…quite witty conversations by the way…i find myself quite funny. 🙂 see, i can’t even stop telling you about how much i like to talk. ugh, it is a sickness. anyway….i do not think i can yet fully express how profound this verse is to me. even now, i sat here for a good two minutes (which for me, is an eternity, considering it only takes me like 30 minutes to write an entire blog)…and still….i cannot think of how to fully express it to you. i guess i will just have to work on that one.

but, for now. know this. His Word is TRUE. His Word is ALIVE. it is there for you every single day for every single issue, in every single circumstance. you don’t believe me, try Him out. read it every single day and you see if He won’t lead you to exactly what you need to read, when you need to read it. don’t be lazy, friend. read it every day. more than once if you want to. you have no excuse. especially those of you with “fancy” phones. if you can tell me on facebook that you are ordering a panini, or sitting in traffic…then you have an “ap” for the Bible, friend. i’m just sayin’.

so, there you have it. my life verse. for all to see. God has known for a very long time that i would need the truth in that verse. He knows how anxious i can get about every little thing. He knows that i need to face Him with prayer AND petition, which means all types of specific requests. He knows how selfish i can get and how even still sometimes, i have to remind myself not to forget the “with thanksgiving” part when i am reciting my verse. (isn’t that something awful to have to confess…but i must keep it real with you, friend) oooh He knows i need His peace desperately to guard my heart and especially my mind. and He knows how controlling i am and that sometimes…ok, A LOT of times, i need to rest in the peace that he give that just…doesn’t…make….sense….to….me. and at the end of my verse, who do i owe it all to?? that’s right…Christ Jesus.

amen.

ps. i would like to mention though, for the record…when i was on staff at church…phil467 was my password to get in the computer system…i can tell you that now since i haven’t been on staff in months. but, whew…i guess i was good all along. 🙂 he he…just me being silly here. 🙂

a steady 81 degrees

for those of you who haven’t known me long…or don’t know my sweet man well….or who haven’t been in my home much, this may be “new” news to you…but we, on team holzberge,r are all about saving money. we abide by the dave ramsey principles, have our envelopes, have no debt (which ain’t easy to do with all the medical bills that keep coming and a comin’ each year, trust me! and for some reason, they don’t like it if you just try to change your name and move every couple years, not sure why. ha ha, just teasing people, c’mon.)

anyway….one thing we do to help out ol’ “mr. budget” is that we keep the thermostat WELL above or WELL below what the normal household does. our old home group used to have to say to themselves (and if you are reading this, you can attest to it!) “ok, we are meeting at the holzberger’s this week, so i need to wear an extra sweater and bring my fuzzy blankey” 🙂

so, throughout the lovely heat that accompanies our amazing great state of Texas for roughly HALF of the calendar year, (i’m being generous, it’s more like three-quarters of the year) when the daybreak comes along with the 94 degree temperature and it is already 102 before the darn mailman has even brought your mail (and yes, ours is here by 10:30am!!)…we have our “air conditioner” (please note the use of quotes there because i use that term very loosely and if we were sitting across from each other chatting, i’d be using the good ol’ air-quote method of exaggerating this point)….at a steady 81 degrees. well, i say that we do… with we – being my hubby and i…but i am quite certain that my dear, darling, amazing, hubby who i have loved since i was 18, has, on occasion, taken liberty to jack the thing up to 83 or 84 during the day to see if i notice. i generally do. but, we always go back down to 81 at night (sweet, ain’t he?:)….and if we know guests are coming over then we bump it down to 80, maybe. if we really like them, (more likely that if we don’t know them very well and don’t want to sweat them out) we will put it on 79. so…if you ever wanna know how close we are, go look at my thermostat when you come over. if you find yourself uncomfortable, chances are, we are pretty tight! 🙂

now, lately…as you may have read….i have been spending every bit of my time in my house. generally on “my spot” on the couch…or resting in my bed. occasionally i have to use the little girls room and then every day or two…or three (just keepin’ it real here) i get to take a bath. that pretty much sums it up. so, my world, for the last two weeks has been kept pretty solid, at the steady 81 degrees. and for 16 days before that i was in the hospital where i was pretty much locked into the same environment. it may have been a degree or two less, but not too much, really, and all the while, steady. and then, for two weeks before that (once again with a brief three day hospital stay, yes, a different one) i was at home, on the couch….steady 81 degrees.

so….that brings us from about the middle of august up to now, almost all the way through september….in case you were keeping track.

and yesterday, my sweet and faithful husband…who, in the last year has truly lived out the meaning of “through sickness and in health”…insisted that i come out and enjoy this weather…”how, baby? how can i do that? i can’t sit up at all?” he knew that. trust me, he needs no reminding. the poor man works full-time as an asst. principal at two different schools (at a brand new job, nonetheless…fortunately, he LOVES it!) and then comes home and does everything, and i mean everything… from changing diapers….to getting supper ready…to ironing his clothes…to washing dishes…..to changing diapers again….to playing with kiddos….to refereeing kiddos….to disciplining kiddos…..to bathing kiddos….to mowing the lawn….to washing the clothes….to mopping the floor…..to paying the bills….to fixing the mower….to cleaning the pool…..to making lunches for tomorrow…to, well….you get the point, but trust me, i could go on and on and on. the point is…he did not need me to remind him that i can’t get up. he knows. he lives this every day too. breaks my heart for him. pray for him too, in fact, if you don’t mind. since, i have you here. he is so good and so fine and so kind and so faithful. but he is so tired and weary now. we are so blessed to have the amazing help of my parents and other family and friends, i cannot begin to even tell you. (that’s a whole blog on serving others, trust me!) but still, this is his home, his family, his wife, his kids, his responsibility. and i know it has been a long year for him too.

anyway…my sweet man insisted that i come out and enjoy this weather. he saw in my face that i would love nothing more than to hear my children play in person in not through the mini-blinds, again. so, he said….well, i’ll carry you. (isn’t he cute?) now, for those of you who don’t know…my hubby is a pretty big guy. (did i mention how cute he is? i mean, i know that isn’t like a requirement by any means…ooh he’s gonna kill me for typing this too, but, i mean it, he’s a hottie! 🙂

anyway…focus….ok, i’m back. he’s about 5 foot 10 and a half-ish, i think and weighs maybe 200 pounds or so…..but he is a “strong-type”….loves to work out (ya, in all his free time!) and although painfully modest, even when i try to show off his muscles, he won’t! 🙂 me: “oh c’mon baby, show them your muscles, just lift up your shirt a little!” him: no words, just death stare. 🙂 but, i’ll be honest here…i ain’t the same girl he carried across the threshold nine some odd years ago. i’ve gained and lost about 60 pounds three different times (thank you jacob, benjamin, abigail and blue bell ice cream! 🙂 but most recently, i have put on, no lie, at least 30 pounds thanks to the inability to exercise (ok, move around at all) and the lovely wicked amount of steroids i’ve been on for the adrenal issues. so, i’m looking at him like, “um, ok honey…if you say so” and thinking…”oh lovely, this should be yet another way to get to wear my “humble shorts” today! why don’t we bust out the bed pan while we’re at it?” 🙂

so…he did. (not bust out the bed pan, thankfully!) he scooped me up (only adding a few grunts and groans to be funny…i know, he’s a stinkin’ riot, isn’t he!) and carried me quickly to the chaise lounge thingy that he had moved up into our backyard right by the playground and trampoline where the kids were already playing. he had sweet benjamin carry mommy’s two pillows and ice packs out there and they were there waiting for me. i was flat on my back again in no time. but….ooohh this view was soooooo much better. i hadn’t been lying there two minutes and i ’bout burst into tears.

“honey”, he said “don’t get yourself worked up, enjoy this.” he knows that my little emotional breakdowns that happen occasionally only make my headaches worse…so he was trying to protect me….and maybe the kids. 🙂 they have seen me cry too much. plus, he knew i’d truly want to enjoy it! benjamin, my cuddle bug came over pretty quickly and said “mama, i’m gonna “cuggle” with you!!!” to which i replied, “wahooooo!!!” and he did. we lied there and looked up at the trees. ooooh how i had missed my trees. and we watched the wind blowing them all around in every direction. and i said to my sweet middle child, as i held his little sweaty body so tight, “isn’t it so cool how God made the wind?” and he said “yep, it is…and He’s blowing it around right now…..oh wait….he stopped……(long pause) i bet He had to go get a drink!” i burst into laughter, and he followed. he wasn’t sure why i was laughing, but he knew he had caused it and he LOVES to make people laugh, so he was tickled! and quick to remind me a few times later that day “hey, mama, remember…God took a drink…hahahahaha!!” so fine that boy.

so there i was…just right there in that moment. my heart so…..very….full. i had missed so much about my backyard. it has been soooo long. i could write a whole blog about missing my trees. i mean it. i love my trees. looking up and watching God blow them around makes me feel so small and insignificant and yet so valuable and special, all at the same time. and feeling the wind on my face. i can count on ONE HAND the number of times i’ve even felt the wind on my face in the past month. (no, trips in a wheelchair from the door to the car don’t count….but even if they did, it only makes me count up to two hands) hearing and seeing my kiddos play around, get dirty and call out “mama, watch this!” “hey, mama…now watch this!” was the best song my ears have heard in a very….very…long time. my heart was just…..so….. full.

and later it hit me. my moment with God. my friend (and sooo many others) had commented about how beautiful the weather was. people were just going on and on and on about what a gorgeous day it was. and in my head i was thinking “what’s the big deal?” but that is when i realized that is because for sooo long now, i have been lying around inside my house at a steady 81 degrees. i had missed so much.

before i went into the hospital, it was crazy hot outside. 105 some days….too hot for the kids to play for too long. people were miserable. just plain miserable.

while i was in the hospital, it was monsoon like….weird kinda. it rained off and on for days and then we got a tornado. i am not making this up. an actual tornado touched down just miles from the hospital. yes, they rolled me into the hallway “code, black..code black!” and took precautionary measures….although according to chief meteorologist david finfrock, they did that about 10 minutes too late, but oh well 🙂 regardless….all the rain….people were miserable.

then back to hot. then back to rain. then…..oh i don’t know. but, it affects people. amazing how we can be so affected by something as simple as the weather. not me, my world has been a steady 81 degrees. pretty easy for me to not be miserable, eh? exactly…easy for me to say.

i haven’t had to trudge wet kids through a parking lot with no umbrella. thanks rain.

i haven’t had to hear them whine because it is time to come inside again because it is too stinkin’ hot to be outside. thanks heat.

i haven’t had to change any plans, cancel any plans….shoot, even make any plans.

exactly. that is what hit me. how steady have i really been? really????

if only you could read my thoughts like God can. well…i sure am thankful you can’t. trust me, you should be too!! my heart, friend…has NOT been a steady 81 degrees. not at all. some days i am steady. some days i am not. i probably shouldn’t even lump it in groups that big, really….some hours i am steady. some hours i am not. i could really break it down to minutes, let’s be honest, that is more realistic. and clearly…more unsteady…

sometimes i am 105 degrees inside and upset…mad….frustrated….sooooo over having to live my life like this. life? if you can call it that. i cry out to God about how tired i am with it all…. the lying around…the pain…the unanswered questions…the “watching” my kids from the sidelines, but not feeling like i get to really be their mom right now….the heavy burden it is placing on those around me who love me most….oooohh bitterness tries hard to creep in here…and he brings his friends, fear, pity, and the need for control.

other times i am a cool, chilly 62 degrees inside….distant from God…lazy about how much time i spend with him during the day…..not “feeling” like i want to read anything else about Him and how faithful He is during trials….i just sit back, turn on the tv and chill. ooooohhhh complacency tries to creep in here….and he brings his friends along too (they never come alone, do they?) his friends are laziness, apathy, and hopelessness.

isn’t it awful? the answer is yes. truly not something i am proud of. but it’s the truth.

and what does my God think about it?
rev. 3:16 “so, because you are lukewarm-neither hot nor cold-I am about to spit you out of my mouth.”

i don’t feel great about making God want to throw up.

but i am thankful for his abundant grace, that is for sure.
romans 5:15 “But the gift is not like the trespass. For if the many died by the trespass of the one man, how much more did God‘s grace and the gift that came by the grace of the one man, Jesus Christ, overflow to the many!”

oh, i am so happy to be one of the many! and i have learned a lot about these “feelings” that have been so lukewarm….for it is these feelings that deceive me. my belief in God isn’t wavering. but my “feelings” about this whole trial do waver. the key is not to be led by, overcome by, or consumed by these feelings. i heard joyce meyer speak once about her ministry. she was asked about her many mission travels all over the world to feed and help the starving and desperate cultures of people. they asked her if she was “excited” about going. she said “no, i’m not terribly excited.” this surprised them, until she explained. she basically said that she had been over there so very many times. the first time, she was excited. but then, on the 21 hour flight home, she got a stomach bug and threw up the entire way home. it was awful! the time change, long flight, insect bites, stomach bug…all that she knew was coming, didn’t make her “excited”. but what was important was that she was committed. even if all of those things happened again, she was committed to serve God, and had a faithful heart about it…excited or not.

i can absolutely respect that. am i always patient and trusting and humble during this looong “flight” i am on?? absolutely not. but, whenever these “feelings” come…these feelings that make me waver, make my thoughts go briefly (and sometimes not so briefly) to where they shouldn’t go…i remember, that GOD IS FAITHFUL. it is ok if my feelings get the best of me sometimes, because i am committed. i will cling to God through this. i will trust Him the very best i can each day. i will stay committed to whatever it is He is allowing in my life. in spite of my “feelings”.

i think some of the lyrics to an amazing song by mercyme fit very well here…(“bring the rain”)

I can count a million times
People asking me how I
Can praise You with all that I’ve gone through
The question just amazes me
Can circumstances possibly
Change who I forever am in You
Maybe since my life was changed
Long before these rainy days
It’s never really ever crossed my mind
To turn my back on you, oh Lord
My only shelter from the storm
But instead I draw closer through these times
So I pray

Bring me joy, bring me peace
Bring the chance to be free
Bring me anything that brings You glory
And I know there’ll be days
When this life brings me pain
But if that’s what it takes to praise You
Jesus, bring the rain

friend…it isn’t easy. moments will come, those 105 degree times, followed by the 62 degree times. and girls…let’s be honest, it happens to us even more often…let’s say every month or so, eh?? but, i have great news!! and trust me, i am needing truth upon truth to stand upon lately…so KNOW THIS…whatever you face….heat stroke days that make you feel parched, dried out, alone and forgotten…or monsoon-like days where you slop around soaking wet, beat-down, and frustrated that you’ve ruined your best shoes….regardless…HE CAN HANDLE IT!! HE IS IN CONTROL!!! and He loves you. that’s right… YOU! He’s got this covered… read below…and thank Him for His faithfulness, despite our lack of it…i know i am.

isaiah 58:11 “The Lord will guide you always; he will satisfy your needs in a sun–scorched land and will strengthen your frame. You will be like a well-watered garden, like a spring whose waters never fail.”

thank you for strengthening my frame God. thank you for making me like a well-watered garden in the middle of the desert. only you can do that. without you, i am all dried up.

isaiah 43:2 “When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you”

thank you for not letting all of this sweep over me, God. thank you for the truth that when i feel waist deep in water with nowhere clear to turn…you are with me.

amen.

mini-blinds on my skylight….

(i warned you, this post is not short…but, let’s be honest, it is me. i have never, ever, ever 🙂 been known for my brevity. thank you so much for reading this and for praying. i cannot get low enough to humble myself and thank you. truly.)

ok, so i loooove our home. i just want you to know that. truly, i do. i mean it, ryan and i both sit around often and just bask in how much we love where we live. we have a modest home. it is not at all big, but not at all small…maybe a bit less than 2,000 square feet or so-ish…..we have lived here for almost two years now…can’t believe it…and we looove it. it is what we like to call our “forever house” because we plan on raising the kids here, being here for years and years…fixing it up along the way…..etc. it could use some fixing up, by the way. while it was new to us two years ago, it is absolutely not new. in fact, this house was built around the same time i was built! 🙂

the last house we lived in was brand spankin’ new….we picked everything out from the elevation (i think i sound sooooo fancy when i say that…it really just means “the way the house looks from the front”, but i sound waaay smarter saying it the other way, dont’cha think!?!) anyway…we picked the interior color (lulled beige, by the way…..and yes, i became one of those silly people i used to mock that would sit there and look at eight different paint samples and say…hmm, this one really has more green in it…ooh, this one has much more rosey undertones…..oh my goodness, THEY WERE ALL BEIGE!!!) oh well…..anyway…we loved that house…what we didn’t love, however, was the roughly 9 1/2 square feet (i am not under-exaggerating by much, trust me) of backyard that we had. so…once we had the two sweet boys and baby #3 on the way, (thank you, God, for our sweet baby girl!) we decided to make the move to our “forever house”.

ever moved with small children? and pregnant? NOT COOL!! and while it was nice to have an excuse not to have to load any of the heavy stuff, “sorry, dear, (as i pat the belly), i can’t!” still, i told ryan…often…and always with a kind tone in my voice, of course (insert sarcasm)…”darn right this is our forever house, cause i am NEVER moving again, EVER!!” 🙂 and i love you and i love Jesus. sigh. 🙂

anyway….so God gave us the deal of the century on our current home, He worked it out perfectly….and we LOVE it…..it sits on almost an acre….tucked in on all sides by 144 lovely, towering, oak trees (yes, my sweet, methodical husband and eldest son counted them for a homework project…oh they had fun with their tally chart, it was precious! :)….we are at the tail end of a quiet cul-de-sac where my children run out to the street and play all the time…most everyone on the street has been here for twenty or thirty years, (except some of our best friends and their three small kiddos who just recently moved in across the street, God we are so thankful for that blessing!) but most everyone else already raised their kids but have told me they love seeing little ones out and about playing outside again. at night, when we are hosing the kids off, we sometimes forget we live in the city. we are more than blessed.

but….i’m not gonna lie….there are some things that i would change if i could…things that really don’t matter at all, really…..truly……but nonetheless…..popcorn ceilings aren’t my favorite (been staring at them a lot over the last year, which doesn’t help :)….the counter tops in our master bathroom are overly speckled with lovely flecks of gold….cool, huh? 🙂 or should i say, groovy, man, groovy. he, he. mini-blinds are not as “neat-o” as the faux (again…man, i am so fancy) 3-inch white wooden blinds we saved and saved for and bought slowly but surely for our old house…oh ya, when we were selling it, i was like…wait a minute…those have to stay!?!? no way! ugh. (don’t get me started on our beautiful ceiling fans!?! and yes…ryan was like…um, honey, of course the ceiling fans stay…ever been to a house that just had the hole in the ceiling? to which i (calmly, of course) replied, “well, no! but, can’t we replace them with ugly ones and take these with us?” i was pregnant and a bit emotional. but, if i could have found a way to take the precious stripes that my dear friend and i spent hours and hours painting on the wall of the nursery with us…trust me, i would have.

but, anyway….this leads me to where God was talking to me the other day. audibly? no. i sure do wish…that would be great to occasionally get a few specific tips yelled just to me from a bush or something….but i digress. so…i was lying on my couch (i know, shocker!) and i pretty much stay in the same position on the couch during the day (yes i have completely warped our sectional over the last year…it is forever slumped from where i have literally lived….but who cares, this is the good spot…it is “my spot”) anyway….one of the (many) random and funny things about this house is part of my daily view….and this particular day, i was having a tough day and thankfully God had A LOT to say to me through multiple avenues…so please, stick with me on this one…..(if you need to go get a light snack or take a restroom break, this would be a good time, i’ll wait!:)

as i lay on the couch, in “my spot”, i get to look up at the skylight in the living room….where someone once decided that it would be a good idea to put mini-blinds. really!?! stop and think about that for a minute, friend. mini-blinds in the skylight?!? i mean….they are turned open, obviously, since it is…ya know…a skylight and all….but really…..mini-blinds on a skylight??? what exactly is the point of that, i have often stopped to wonder. you can’t close them. you can’t reach them. you can’t clean them (which for such an avid cleaner like myself is just a true tragedy because i love nothing more than dusting. again…me, with the sarcasm) and while we are talking about it, why, really…would you want to even partially block the light from the very large HOLE cut out of your ceiling and roof that is specifically designed to bring in light? really, this one just baffles me. and makes me giggle.

and on this particular day it reminded me of an old song i used to love. back in the day, before Christian music really did become cool and it really was relevant to kids and what they were actually wanting to listen to…back when your choices were amy grant, rich mullins, twila paris and well, amy grant, again….well, not too long after that era, there was a song called “screen door on a submarine”…do you remember it? well…a few of the lyrics were “it’s about as useless as a screen door on a submarine. faith without works baby, it just ain’t happenin’.” i loved that song. it was fun, upbeat, peppy….and it had a GREAT visual for me, who has always been such a visual person….how silly would it be to have a screen door on a submarine? c’mon, take a minute…do what i do…stop and picture the little submarine-man-guy who works under water having to open the door, take a break from his hard work, and telling his buddies, “oh, it’s ok guys, i got the screen door closed, we’re good!” that always made me giggle.

but the lyrics are true. faith without works is pointless. over these last few months, i would like to believe that i have had quite a bit of faith about my healing. i honestly do. i know full well that i could literally wake up tomorrow and be completely healed, not a bit of pain. i also know that i have to be ok if i am not. but i believe God can do that. i have faith. but, have i had works to back up that faith? hmmm….i will get back to that.

so, this day, i am looking at the mini-blinds on my skylight and just then, i got the sun right in my face. ya see….when you spent hour after hour after hour on the couch each and every day, you kinda get in a routine. and since i am always in “my spot”, i have come to realize lately that every day, right around lunchtime, is when the sun hits just right, and shines directly above my skylight. often, i have just moved over a smidge and not thought much about it. but not on this day. on this day, i was listening to my praise and worship channel on my tv and crying like a little girl, talking to God about how tired i was of being on this couch….of being in pain….of not having clear answers from the doctors of why, or when this will end, or even what is going on….of seeing my kids playing outside through the stinkin’ window and not being a part of it….of saying goodbye to them as the go somewhere, anywhere and once again i can’t go….anyway….i truly don’t have moments like this all the time, but trust me, friend, they do come. and thankfully, God can handle it.

so, anyway, i was crying and singing the lyrics to this amazing song i love that had just come on….read carefully…(josh wilson “before the morning”)

Would you dare, would you dare to believe
That you still have a reason to sing
Cause the pain that you’ve been feeling
It can’t compare to the joy that’s coming
So hold on, you gotta wait for the light
Press on and just fight the good fight
Cause the pain that you’ve been feeling
It’s just the dark before the morning

man, these lyrics just ring sooo very true to me, right now i can’t even tell you. it is such a great song. and so true. and of course, just then, i got the BEAM of light, stretched through my mini-blinds on my skylight……but this time was different….

i was crying and singing the words “i just gotta wait for the light”….and then there it was….the light….trust me friend, i DID NOT move over a smidge this time. i stayed put. i closed my eyes because the light is literally WAY too bright to look into….and i just let it shine in my face. i just laid still.

for so many reasons…. i just laid still.

because i knew God was telling me to be thankful for how the silly mini-blinds in my skylight, in my amazing house we are sooo blessed to have, let in this light just so.

because i knew the Truth in this song needed to be heard in my heart.

because i hadn’t felt the sun on my face like this in WEEKS, friend…….weeks.

because i knew this wasn’t my moment in the sun….but this was a moment with the Son.

and…i laid there and thought about the lyrics to that song….and also, to the old song that i had just been thinking about….faith and works…..and i knew what God was saying to me.

i need to put my faith into action, and put works alongside it.

i need to go to new mexico.

HUH!?!? did i lose you there?? well, that is because i haven’t told you about my amazing friend from college who had just emailed me and told me that God had truly placed it on her heart for she and her husband to fly me (or come and get me and drive me) and pay my way to her women’s conference at her church. she had been feeling that way for a while but, by her words, hadn’t been obedient because…well, it didn’t make sense, honestly. she knew i was sick…i lived far away….how could this work out….it didn’t make sense. but then through a series of amazing events that can only be described as God taking a neon sign and confirming Himself to her, she stepped out on faith and told me this was what she needed to do. she put works behind her faith. not the kind of works that are trying to get her to “earn” His love, or perform well enough to be righteous, like the Pharisees used to…but the kind of works that show her faith in action. the kind of works that don’t make sense, that she would be willing to spend that kind of money on wanting to get me there, knowing that as of right now, i can’t even barely walk across the house to use the potty! that is the kind of works i am talking about, people. oh, i just love her. and miss her. and get giddy at the thought of spending time with her.

so, that is where you come in, friend. i am well aware that some of you flat have rug burns on your knees on my behalf, and for that, there is no way to truly ever repay you or thank you enough. but, i am asking for you to commit to pray for me and for healing and for me to get my hiney to new mexico for this women’s conference! we have about four weeks. just typing that makes doubt flood my head…”um, hello, you can’t even walk across your house and be upright that long…how are you going to get to new mexico!?!”

again, this is big faith…and works to back it up. it doesn’t make sense. as my dear friend said “God doesn’t call the equipped, He equips the called.” (amen!) she has booked my reservation with her women’s retreat and now i just need to find someone to drive me to amarillo, or lubbock, or some west texas town about halfway, where she and her mom (who is believing alongside us and already scheduled to take a day off work to come get me….faith and works!) will meet up and get me. this is exciting isn’t it??

it was for me, too.

and then the headaches came back. ugh. the same type of pressure headaches i’ve been having when i sit up. the doctors say i am leaking spinal fluid (fourth time in three years) and so whenever i sit up, the pressure changes in my head, the spinal fluid that is supposed to cushion my brain…well, doesn’t cushion it, and the headaches swell. it isn’t as bad as when i was in the hospital, THANK GOD, but it is back. i have an appointment with my neurologist next week, who will likely refer me to the mayo clinic, and i could have another procedure to “fix it”….another very painful procedure…..already had two…..or i could just stay f.o.b. and let my body try to heal. let God heal. i believe God can use either way to heal me. or not. again, i have to be ok either way. i refuse to let a bitter root grow, people. (hebrews 12:15)

but i’d be lying if i told you i wasn’t quite discouraged sometimes.

again, this is where you come in, friend. we have until october 13th…that is when i need to “go west, young man”…will you commit to pray for me??

let’s pray for healing.

let’s pray for my heart and mind to stay encouraged and positive and trusting God, believing like the song says, that “the pain i’m going through is just the dark before the morning”.

let’s pray for all of our faith to grow…and our works to back it up!

i know full well that if i am supposed to be there, God will make it happen. and if, for some reason, i am not…it will not be for a lack of faith. He can heal me on the drive there…later this morning in the bath tub (horaay, it’s my bathing day!)…or through the wisdom and procedures of the doctors. who knows? He knows. but, i need your help. i am humbly asking you to kneel alongside of me and take this road with me.

let’s do this thing, shall we?

if you will please sign up to “follow” me on this blog thing, i will know you are praying. i can’t tell you how to do that, because i am a computer fool. you will know that because i have the regular template as my blog background, and i don’t have anyone i follow, because i can’t figure out how to make their little faces show up….i’ll get there. that is my project after i get this post completed. but, i think you have to have a certain email address to click on the side and “follow”. you could just email me through facebook too. i just would love to be able to thank you and keep you posted.

we love and serve a very big God. like i told my darling friend from college who stepped out bigger and with more faith than i did….we do serve the God that was able to part the water a few times and let people walk across dry land…He did rescue “rack, shack and benny” (gotta love veggie tales, those were the names for shadrach, meshach and abednago, but i prefer the veggie tales names 🙂 from the fire and they didn’t even smell of smoke…He did place the stars in the sky….He did invent the concept of my DNA…..so i’m thinking he can handle my little problem here. He can be trusted. this i know. (ephesians 3:20-21…immeasurably more, people!!)

again, sorry this post was so loooong. (and again, it is me.) and thank you. i truly mean it when i say how humbled i have been throughout it all. i always used to say that whenever i’d see the little girlys with something clever, or usually not-so-clever written across their hiney…i truly should own some that have “humbled”…just cause i have been soooo many times. and needed it each and every time. anyway…. i wear my humble shorts daily, trust me. fortunately, they coordinate with everything, so i’m good. 🙂

alright, God, we love you. we trust you. let’s do this thing. now, you go and show yourself big!
love love. and thank you again, everyone.
amen.

proverbs 15:29 “The Lord is far from the wicked but he hears the prayer of the righteous.”

jeremiah 17:14 “Heal me, O Lord, and I will be healed; save me and I will be saved, for you are the one I praise.”

psalm 103:2-5″Praise the Lord, O my soul, and forget not all his benefits– who forgives all your sins and heals all your diseases, who redeems your life from the pit and crowns you with love and compassion, who satisfies your desires with good things so that your youth is renewed like the eagle’s.”

it was the alien….

ok, so…do any of you believe that an alien can take over your body and make you do things that you wouldn’t normally do?????

well, i don’t either, obviously…i’m not a buffoon. well, i take that back. i am a buffoon. but i don’t believe that, anyway. but, boy sometimes do i wish it were true. sigh. i will explain….

and i will preface this by saying that i am posting this particular information with great reluctance…in fact, if my computer were to crash all of a sudden in the middle of this and i, were to lose everything, i can’t say i’d be too terribly sad, because i am about to admit something to the world out there that i am just flat not proud of. but, recently, it dawned on me, that i sure hope no one out there reading my blog thinks that i am “too good”, ya know?!? i don’t ever want to come across as someone who doesn’t struggle, or always take the high road, or leaves the “real” sinnin’ for the rest of you girls. so, it full disclosure….this won’t be pretty. but it’s real. it’s me. ok…deep breath….here we go….(darn that computer…still no crashing…:)

so, one of my dearest, sweetest friends came over to visit me recently and we were talking about various things…..she wanted to catch up on how i was feeling….she has missed me (because she is lovely and kind and good) and hadn’t gotten to see me while i was in the hospital or since i’d been home (PRAISE GOD I AM HOME!!!)….and i was asking her about her super wonderful family who i adore…..her children are so very fine, well-behaved, good-hearted, and she is, just wooonderful……the kind of person who you hope really likes you and stays friends with you and who you want to come over and hang out with you every single day…..and, well, i tolerate her husband. he, he. just teasing….he is one of the finest men you’ll meet, such a great heart…..and although he likes to act like he’s tough, he really is a rascal and we treat each other like brother and sister, often teasing each other relentlessly, it is greatness. and yes, he smells funny. 🙂

anyway….my sweet, sweet friend and i were talking…now, mind you….i have just come home from the hospital, i mean i don’t even have all the remnants of tape debri scratched off my arms from all the iv’s yet…..and this was a time where God and i have spent A LOT of time talking…i have been reading A LOT of His Word….trying to keep my mind on things that are lovely, good, pure, etc (phil. 4:8) and while i have been f.o.b. (see other blog entry for more info) i have just, ever-so-recently really had a lot of time to reflect and stay in tune with God and His presence…….ok, so you get my drift….moving on….(and yes, still no computer crash, sigh)

so we are talking and she asks me some questions about some people i once knew….(innocent enough on her part, poor thing) people i haven’t thought about (or seen) in years and years…..and one person, in particular…let’s just say, wasn’t my favorite person then (ok, or now either, apparently…stay tuned)……and she wanted to know if i knew these people and what i thought about them. let me be clear, if i haven’t been clear enough already about my wonderful friend….she was IN NO WAY looking for gossip, or anything ugly like that….she just loves and trusts me (well, did….hopefully still does) and wanted to know my opinion……well…girls and boys…she got it. gulp.

upon hearing the name of someone from my professional past who had genuinely caused me pain, embarrassment, trouble and who had belittled me, falsely accused me, and flat out hurt me….not to mention, not done a thing for my fragile insecurity issues i was carting around at the time(yes, yes, my issues, not hers!…and clearly i have dealt with all of them, eh?)…..i proceeded to throw up all over my dear sweet friend. now, i didn’t throw up literally…although, let’s be honest… this wasn’t much prettier……i told her my unfortunate story, my experience with this woman….my hurts….my history…..my opinions….faaaar more than she surely had bargained for….faaar more than she surely wanted to hear….and FAAAAARR more than i should have.

this, friends…..is when i would like to believe the alien took over my body. i would like to believe that i wouldn’t act this way at all. not me?? not grateful to be home….thankful for SOOO much….spending so much time talking to Him or about Him in my day….lovin’-my Jesus-ol’-me?? oh yes…it was me. no aliens here. bummer.

now…i don’t think it was all gossip. trust me, i have over-thought it since my friend left. most of it was just my version of what happened. and most of it was fact. shame on me sitting here (lying here) and for trying to justify it. (i would like to delete this part, but darn if i’m not leaving all this justification part in, too! ughhh.) the fact is, the lady was not sitting here to defend herself. and goodness gracious it was SEVEN years ago…..who knew i had so much hurt buried about the whole thing!?! not me. and not my poor sweet friend, that’s for sure. i bet she felt she needed a cold shower after leaving me. goodness gracious, i felt i needed one..and i didn’t get to leave me.

and would you like to know what chapter was next in the book i am currently reading when i got to bed that night?? (joyce meyer’s “battlefield of the mind”, by the way)…it was the chapter titled “a judgmental, critical and suspicious mind”. don’t you just love it when God gets you right in the gut?? well, me neither, silly. who loves that!?! but man, He is good at that with me. and yes, i genuinely am thankful, because clearly, i need it.

would you like to read the verse that opens that chapter?? i laughed out loud when i read it (almost woke ryan!)…not because it was funny….but because it was like one of these moments….

dear me,
clearly, you need to read this.
i love you,
God

it is from matthew, chapter 7…perhaps you have read it? beginning with verse 1 through 3…

“do not judge and criticize and condemn others, so that you may not be judged and criticized and condemned yourselves. for just as you judge and criticize and condemn others, you will be judged and criticized and condemned, and in accordance with the measure you (use to) deal out to others, it will be dealt out again to you.”

ok…so this part made me say, OUCH!! obviously. according to the measure, huh? shoot. that can’t be good.

and then i read verse three and that is when i laughed (more of a snort!) and almost woke ryan…you will see why….

“why do you stare from without at the very small particle that is in your brother’s eye but do not become aware of and consider the beam of timber that is in your own eye?”

ha! beam of timber!?! love it.

i’m not sure what version of the Bible that joyce meyer used here, but i think it is probably the AMP version, she likes that one…anyway….i love this translation….because i am an extremely visual person……an immediately i pictured that person i “discussed” with my friend with just a SPECK, an itty bitty, super small, don’t even need to get out your compact mirror, it’s so easy to get out, particle of dust in her eye…and me, the fool, walking around with a beam of timber sticking 15 feet out of my ridiculous face, just taking out people left and right, old ladies, small children – knocked to the ground… as i walk down the street. sigh. a BEAM OF TIMBER, people..i think God is pretty clear here. it is irrelevant if this person actually hurt me, and who was actually right and wrong back then….right now, when i chose to “go there” and tell my dear friend all this stuff…..i CHOSE the beam of timber. ugh. and now, thank God, i was doing as the verse said and taking time to “become aware of and consider” my beam of timber. double sigh. you know what….i am afraid that some of us (myself of course included here) truly don’t stop and “become aware of and consider” this thing…..honestly….i think some of us try to put a little more foundation on, maybe a bit of concealer, in hopes that we cover up that ol’ beam of timber…..and then we walk around wondering why all these poor people keep getting flattened in our wake. goodness gracious. you think king kong did some damage?? i would venture to say that the enemy could get a lot done for his plan with one of us and a beam of timber we consider, and instead just put some L’Oreal color-stay on.

which leads me to what joyce goes further in her book to say…. that “the devil loves to keep us busy, mentally judging the faults of others. that way, we never see or deal with what is wrong with us.”

whoa. that hit me, too.

and it is sooooo true. the enemy of our soul, who is relentless, by the way!! (1 peter 5:8) would love NOTHING more than for me to stay this way, and keep this type of behavior up…decorating my beam of timber….sprucing it up, carving me and ryan’s initial’s in it…..so that i don’t ever deal with the fact that i am not acting like Jesus, like i should be…and therefore not growing up in Him, like i should be (hebrews 5)..and therefore, not being as effectual as i could be.

well, i want NONE of his stupid plan, that is for sure.

i called my dear, sweet, darling friend…..and apologized truly for, well…throwing up all over her….and she loves me and said she knows my heart and knew where all that was coming from….but still, whew…that wasn’t enough…..it was almost like i couldn’t apologize enough.

i’ve heard it said that you must be so careful about what you say out loud (matthew 12:34, james 3:10) because once you say it, you can’t EVER “un”-say it…again, i am soooo visual, and they said it is like trying to get toothpaste back in the tube…it is impossible. i felt that way. couldn’t get that stuff back in the tube for the life of me. you can try, but all you are left with is an empty tube and messy hands. so, obviously…..all there is left to do is go to God, repent and give it up.

fortunately for me, i am f.o.b. all the time and so i gotta face Him, face first a lot….so i just laid there and apologized for blowing an opportunity to act like Him…..to love on and minister to my sweet friend who i adore….to honor the person who hurt me and turn the other cheek, bless those who curse me (luke 6:28)……man….that was not a fun night. i felt better after repenting, that’s for sure….but there’s a reason God doesn’t want us to sin…..it is not in our best interest. it feels awful.

so….there it is. me…in all my not-glory. fyi—this is just one small instance i have shared by the way…from a big ol’ handful that i could have shared. this one just hit the hardest and stung the longest….at least over the last few days…so i felt i should share. did i want to? of course not. (and yes…please notice that my computer has still not crashed. of course.) and darn that area 54 for not being real. i can’t blame the aliens for taking over my body, making me do something i wouldn’t normally do. i take full responsibility. i do take a small bit of solace (is that the right word, here??hm?) in knowing that the apostle paul can relate….i will leave you with The Message translation of romans 7:14-25 (which is the whole, “what i want to do, i don’t do, but what i don’t want to do, that i do” thing… that i can totally relate to! and maybe you can to?! i think this version, while not super Biblically accurate as far as translations go…but it is easy to relate to and i think, in this case….a great read…so, please do, friend….please do.

^14-16I can anticipate the response that is coming: “I know that all God’s commands are spiritual, but I’m not. Isn’t this also your experience?” Yes. I’m full of myself—after all, I’ve spent a long time in sin’s prison. What I don’t understand about myself is that I decide one way, but then I act another, doing things I absolutely despise. So if I can’t be trusted to figure out what is best for myself and then do it, it becomes obvious that God’s command is necessary.

^17-20But I need something more! For if I know the law but still can’t keep it, and if the power of sin within me keeps sabotaging my best intentions, I obviously need help! I realize that I don’t have what it takes. I can will it, but I can’t do it. I decide to do good, but I don’t really do it; I decide not to do bad, but then I do it anyway. My decisions, such as they are, don’t result in actions. Something has gone wrong deep within me and gets the better of me every time.

^21-23It happens so regularly that it’s predictable. The moment I decide to do good, sin is there to trip me up. I truly delight in God’s commands, but it’s pretty obvious that not all of me joins in that delight. Parts of me covertly rebel, and just when I least expect it, they take charge.

²⁴I’ve tried everything and nothing helps. I’m at the end of my rope. Is there no one who can do anything for me? Isn’t that the real question?

²⁵The answer, thank God, is that Jesus Christ can and does. He acted to set things right in this life of contradictions where I want to serve God with all my heart and mind, but am pulled by the influence of sin to do something totally different.

amen.