caroline holzberger

Keepin' it real about motherhood, Jesus, life, and everything in between.

hold the mayo

oh friends, i have soooo many issues. (shocking, i know) but, i do, for real. πŸ™‚ many of my issues, at least the non-serious ones, have to do with food. i have shared in a past blog or two about some of them…

can’t handle smooth texture and crunchy and chunky together…ex: eating yogurt, oh yum, nice and smooth, and then AH! oh wait, a random chunk of something, UGH! no thank you. not happenin’…no way, no how.

cottage cheese – never, no way, can’t handle it. it is spoiled, chunky milk, people!! i can’t even type anymore about it. (shudder!)

i don’t like my food to touch on the plate…no oozing of the ketchup over onto the peas, or the juices from the corn over near the potatoes…yuck! God gave some amazing person the wisdom to invent the divided plate for a reason, people. c’mon.

i have a firm no “funky salad” rule. salad, by sheer definition is leafy and green. the end. no pasta salad. no potato salad. no chicken salad. no tuna salad. (no tuna, ever, actually) no jello salad mold. no molds of any sort. let’s keep salad at it’s fundamental meaning here, ok? somehow, a long time ago, probably at some baptist pot luck event, this got waaay out of control. it is time to rope this thing back in. can i get an amen? (a nice respectful one from the front row?) i’m only teasing. i LOVE baptists, presbyterians, catholics, non-denominationals…we all serve and love Jesus right? i’m just being silly people, please don’t get your Sunday britches in a bunch, ok? πŸ™‚ laugh a little and let’s move on….

this leads me to the whole concept of mustard and mayo. not a fan. of either one. people are often astounded of this. they look at me as if i have just told them that i really have a third arm that i have been hiding all this time under my shirt. seriously?? no…i do not like either one at all. and no, i’m not a communist. after they have gathered their composure, i always get the same exact question…”well, what do you eat on a sandwich?” and i always reply “i either put ranch dressing on it (like any good texan would…or at least i did pre-gluten free life) or i just…eat…it…dry.” gasp. wide-eyed stare. again, as if i have just shown them the third arm and waved happily to them. people can’t imagine a sandwich without mustard or mayo. but, trust me, it ain’t half bad.

now, i will admit that i have been a “big girl” and at least tried them both. held my nose to do it, of course, but i did it. and the reason i confess that to you is because there are a lot – and i do mean A LOT – of things that i claim not to like, but i have not technically tried them. i do, however know myself well enough to make it a pretty fair bet that i won’t. want a list?

peaches – like the flavor – can’t handle the fuzz. c’mon people, fuzz?!?! ugh.

calamari – ain’t no way that thing is sliding down my throat. my dad fed it to my darling baby girl, without my knowledge of course. yes, she loved it. i guess she is her daddy’s girl.

most chinese food (most “ese” foods actually, as i call them, japanese, tawainese, etc) – i figure if i can’t even handle the smell, how could they possible taste any better? see…i do have logic. i have tried and do like the lettuce wraps at pei wei (again, pre-gluten free life) and enjoyed them thoroughly so as to not be a complete loser and embarrassment to my sweet hubby who eats and loves just about anything. poor guy. ( i promise he picked me people, and he loves me, he didn’t lose a bet or anything!) πŸ™‚

i could go on and on, but i am quite sure that you already think me a total fool and i feel sure i’ve made my point. i am a weirdo. πŸ™‚

so, when ordering a sandwich, i have become quite accustomed to saying, “hold the mayo”… and eating it dry. and liking it really. but, i must be honest….over these last 11 months, through this medical drama i have been facing…this phrase has been rattling around in my head as something altogether different.

ya see…there is this great place, the mayo clinic, up in rochester, minnesota (which is up north somewhere, yes…i looked it up. my atrocious geography is a hole ‘nother blog for a whole ‘nother day) that many people dear to me have been subtly (and sometimes not so subtly) mentioning to me…”you just need to go to mayo”…”why haven’t you gone to mayo?”…”girl…maybe the mayo clinic can figure it out”…i have heard it all. and these people love me. they mean well, they truly do. i know that. but, i have been responding like i always do, “hold the mayo” dude, i will eat it dry. and trust me, i have been.

if you have read any of these other posts, you know that i have likened these months and months to my own “blessed and blasted wilderness”…my own journey through a very long, sun-scorched, dry desert with no Promised Land in sight. (where are joshua and caleb when a girl needs them, eh?)

why in the world would you put off going to the mayo clinic you fool?…might be what you are thinking right now. or some nicer (or not nicer) version of that. i have no good answer. or at least none that makes a heck of a lot of sense outside my weirdo brain. but, here’s what i’ve got….

maybe because i didn’t want to think things were that bad?

maybe because the thought of having to travel that far and be away from my kids that long again was only for the terminally ill?

maybe because that was a sign of defeat? (see, at least i’m over the pride thing, right!?! ugh.)

maybe because the thought of starting over AGAIN with a whole new set of doctors AGAIN makes me wanna scream?

maybe because it would cost a CRAZY about of money for two people who have already spent a crazy amount of money?

maybe because what if i go there and they can’t figure anything out either, then what?

maybe because that place is so amazing, they could find out something worse is really wrong?

silly isn’t it. ya, well….it is easy to judge. trust me, i have. i have tried on the distinguished black robe, swiveled around in the big fancy chair, and done it myself. i do NOT reccommend it though. (matthew 7:1-2) and, friend….it is hard to explain it unless you are in it…when it is your life so very altered…..and your kids’ faces asking the questions again and again….and your arms full of bruises from yet another round of iv’s and tests….it is hard to explain to immense difficulty that comes from month after month after month of unanswered questions. you would think i’d jump at the chance to get this over and solved. but you are forgetting that i have a relentless enemy (1 peter 5:8) who is working overtime to keep me under the rule of the ONE THING that drives every one of those questions up above…do you know what that one thing is? do you recognize it from experience? i pray you don’t. however, i recognize it as well as my own three armed reflection in the mirror. it is the most awful four-letter word in my life..it is F E A R…and it has been a driving force for me for a good portion of my life. no longer, friend. no longer.

throughout these last months, this fear thing (along with about 14 other things like pride, my controlling nature, patience, humility…the list goes on and on, unfortunately, and on and on) has been the thing God has been working on the most. faith and fear are like oil and water. they do…not…mix. so, for all this time, when i have had these thoughts running around, i have picked fear. yes, i still have faith in God, but in this case, for this instance, i am living in fear and not in faith. and i hate it. so…i am fighting against that now…and fortunately i have help. (psalm 118:7) i have been collecting LOTS of great truth from God’s Word about fear and been standing firmly on that….i have been careful about what i think about (phil 4:8) and watch and listen to and read. and God has, obviously been faithful the more and more i seek Him. He’s amazing like that. (heb. 10:23 psalm 28:7 deut. 33:27 eph. 6:16 1 cor. 10:13)

so…here we are quickly approaching the one year “anniversary” (no, please, no gifts:) of when this all started back up again. yes, it really all began three years ago with an awful case of meningitis and six..that’s right…SIX pricks in my back for the spinal tap. that, followed by a year of numbness in my arms and legs every single time i lied down. and one denial from the mayo clinic. that’s right. i allowed it back then. i think, i kinda knew they wouldn’t take me then. they didn’t. now, i think they might. and now i’m not afraid. why?

maybe things aren’t really that bad?

maybe the road trip will be fun for ryan and i and maybe i will be the “well-est” (i know, it is so not a real word) person they’ve seen in a while and be back home quickly?

maybe this is a sign of true victory?

maybe i, or at least my case, will be a blessing to this whole new group of doctors?

maybe insurance will cover the whole stinkin’ thing?

maybe they’ll figure out the whole thing (adrenal stuff, spinal stuff, all of it!) and how it all relates to each other, finally!?

maybe because this place is so amazing, they’ll find the answer to be so minor and so easy we can hardly believe it!?

did you see what i did there friend? i went back. that’s right. i went back and i took every thought captive that was made from fear and CHANGED it to one of faith. i encourage you to do the same. it is an action. it takes a conscious decision on your part. but, it is worth it.

be brave.

i love nichole nordeman. some of her lyrics fit perfectly here….(from song,”brave”)

The gate is wide
The road is paved in moderation
The crowd is kind and quick to pull you in
Welcome to the middle ground
You’re safe and sound and
Until now it’s where I’ve been

‘Cause it’s been fear that ties me down to everything
But it’s been love, Your love, that cuts the strings

So long status quo
I think I just let go
You make me want to be brave
The way it always was
Is no longer good enough
You make me want to be brave
Brave, brave

so, bring it on. bring on the mayo. in fact, can i have extra mayo here please!?! pile it on. layer upon oozy layer. i am ready.

thank you Jesus.

amen.

ps. this is figurative obviously. i’m not a fool. i still won’t actually eat the stuff. sorry. unless of course, they find that is the cure for adrenal insufficiency and spontaneous spinal fluid leaks…then i will. and personally, i would find that quite ironic. and unfortunate, to be honest. but, i’d do it. i’d hold my nose, but i’d do it. πŸ™‚

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2 thoughts on “hold the mayo

  1. Anonymous on said:

    Jesus is shining through you.i love you coach H!!!! I'm so proud of you!!!!!!!
    -sis

  2. Anonymous on said:

    I seriously was going to offer to bring dinner to your family, but I'm not so certain what? HA! No, I would LOVE to bring ya'll a meal. You just need to be VERY specific with me about what you would like to eat.
    Love you dear!
    Christy πŸ™‚

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