caroline holzberger

homecoming

ok, so i must be honest…at first thought…hearing the word “homecoming” makes me immediately flashback to my good ol’ high school days and i am bombarded with memories of the days of blue and gold….

that’s right…..blue and gold…everywhere! homecoming was sort of a big deal at my high school…not as much as the awards dance in the spring, called legacy…but still, homecoming was something that we “did” and most people took part in, at least all my friends, and it was cool…i guess. well, i took part. and i was cool…or so i thought, at least. 🙂

the tradition was to find a cute boy and somehow get him to ask you to homecoming…others of my friends didn’t have a hard time with that part…..and then you would arrange for his parents to fork over a ridiculous amount of money on a mum with both of your names splattered down it in blue and gold…of course adding the other doo-dads and trinkets that showed off all you were involved in….varsity volleyball…so add a dangly gold volleyball thingy…and he is in choir, so put some music notes down the little hoopy things on this side…one time she liked dance, so for goodness sake, we have to add some twirly sort of flashy gold dancer somewhere on the thing…and so on and so forth…adding roughly 38 pounds (and who knows how many dollars!!) to the monstrosity that was somehow supposed to be supported by a safety pin and attached to my bra strap. the guys (and therefore my parent’s pocketbook), however, got off much easier and just wore the arm thingy with a much, much more tamed down version of the mum….man, i bet that thing only weighed like 2 pounds. isn’t the logic backwards here??

anyway…so you wore this mum to school that friday and jingle jangled with pride up and down the halls all day, dropping golden pieces everywhere and whooping and hollering for your good ol’ patriots all the while. 🙂 then, you wore it to the football game that night (or what was left of it after a full day of school)…and of course then hung it on your wall for the rest of the year, assuming you still liked the guy you went with. which, i, generally did. in fact, i still had my senior year mum until fairly recently when my sweet husband finally gave me “the look” that says he loves me dearly but that if he has to store one more box full of my childhood junk he’s going to make me sleep out here with it….so i relented and threw it out. i do still have my letter jacket somewhere though…shh…don’t tell ryan! 🙂

then, there was the dance, saturday night. typical high school deal…girls in short cocktail dresses, boys in suits….girls spending ALL day getting ready….hair done with faaar too much hairspray and the type of hairdo in the mid-late 90’s that once you actually got home and removed all the bobby pins, it all stayed perfectly in place…still perched atop your head…miraculous…nails done (and lasting a whopping three days until the next volleyball game when your $35 went down the drain after your first serve)….some would go tanning, not me thanks to the rules in my house..hated it then, thankful now……and the boys would do nothing all day and then perhaps shower, throw on their cheap cologne and suit up at 6pm and go meet at someone’s house for all the traditional group photos…..ok, now let’s get one of all the girls…..ok, now all the guys….ok, now each couple…..etc.

ahhh…i have fairly good memories of homecoming in high school. the concept of homecoming is a good one. seeing the almuni come back to visit….only from the year before, because everyone knew it was lame to go back and visit after one year…..but it was cool to see them, even though they were all sporting their college tshirts, and acted like they were sort of put out by being there and strangely enough, even seemed waay older than we were….

homecoming. good concept. good memories. not sure how i got off on this tangent. well, let’s be honest, it’s me. is it really a stretch to see me go off on a tangent? (that was rhetorical, by the way)

but i am happy…actually BEYOND THRILLED to discuss my newest memories of what homecoming means to me now…..

now…to me…homecoming means the idea that the doctors…after SIXTEEN days in the hospital…..did you read that…..S I X T E E N days away from my babies, my man, my bed, my shower, my clothes, my couch, my shows recorded on my tv, my fridge….my world…..after SIXTEEN days of being laid up in a hospital bed, hooked up to an iv, eating grilled chicken, broccoli spears, carrots and baked potatoes….after SIXTEEN days of pain and tests…unanswered questions, unsure diagnosis……after SIXTEEN days of it all….i was getting to come home.

that was some good news. that was a homecoming worth celebrating.

and boy did i.

i couldn’t wait. honestly, as i sit here and try to type about it, it is hard for me to find the words….and if you know me at all, i RARELY lack for words. there was that time that i got engaged to my sweet man and was speechless and almost peed on myself in front of hundreds of people cause i was sooo surprised…..and then there was the time i was asked to try and describe what it’s like being a mom….or giving birth…..or rushing your kid to the ER……..ok, there have been a few times…..

but this was a great time. and it is hard to describe.

i was filled with so much joy. and thankfulness. and joy. and excitement. and anticipation. and peace. and joy. and giddiness. and relief. and something that resembles the expression of “IT’S ABOUT STINKIN’ TIME!!!”….all at the same time…

you see, my kids didn’t know i was coming home that day. it was going to be a surprise. they had asked me, pretty much every single day, multiple times a day, since i left when i was coming home. that was maybe the hardest part of being gone. because they were only ages 5, 3 and 17 months….they didn’t quite get it fully. and i got A LOT of…”mama, are they going to let you come home, today?” “can you just ask the doctors and the nurses to let you come home today?” “why can’t they fix you today, mama?” “do you think you will be home by my birthday, mama?” (ya, that one was the hardest, and unfortunately, the answer was no.)

but on this day, my homecoming day……i couldn’t wait to see their little faces, hug their little necks and just sit on my couch and be at home. i live in a modest home. it is nice, but not fancy. but i can’t tell you how much i missed so very many things about it. most of all were the little faces (and the really hot big face!) 🙂 that make it not a house, but a home.

man, i wanted not only a 38 pound mum…i wanted a whole stinkin parade on this day. i felt i deserved it…after the year i’ve had….and after these looong 16 days away……

but not really. really, i didn’t care. i just wanted to get home. and i did. i got to the couch and had some time to rest before ryan and the kids got there. i sat there and thanked God for letting me come home….for giving me a place i wanted so badly to come home to…and people i sooo badly wanted to be around. i am so blessed.

then they came in.

ryan had their little eyes covered and said “i have a surprise for you….ready, one…two….three. open!!” the older two opened there eyes and kinda stood there for just a second, almost as if what they were seeing couldn’t be real…..but then ran to me and just hugged me…..they didn’t scream or squeal (they are boys after all:) they just ran and hugged me….for a looooong time. sweet sister friend did squeal (atta girl!!) and ran to me giggling with her sweet toddler self…..they all kinda piled on…and for a few minutes i didn’t even care about the pain, i just hugged…..and my oldest just kept looking up at me and smiling and then hugging me some more….

it was wonderful. it was pure. it was perfect.

it was my homecoming. and i couldn’t be more thankful.

i knew God had been with me the entire time in the hospital. i knew it because i couldn’t have made it otherwise. i believe he healed me when He did. I believe i will continue to get better. and i know, because He loves me, that that homecoming was a great day for Him, too. He made us to love, and He taught us to love…..and i know that He saw each tear i cried in that hospital bed. i know He saw each tear they cried missing their mama, while i was away. not one will be wasted. He has a plan. i will continue to trust in that, as i am home (thank you, God) but still so far from being back to normal. so very far)

i believe i wasn’t the only one rejoicing that day…..i bet if there were mums in heaven, God would have worm one for me that day…He would have wanted to celebrate that homecoming day with me. sounds silly….maybe? but true. and He would proudly wear my name down the side of it.

obviously, His would be made with real gold, though. 🙂

Psalm 100 “A psalm. For giving thanks. Shout for joy to the Lord, all the earth. Worship the Lord with gladness; come before him with joyful songs. Know that the Lord is God. It is he who made us, and we are his; we are his people, the sheep of his pasture. Enter his gates with thanksgiving and his courts with praise; give thanks to him and praise his name.For the Lord is good and his love endures forever; his faithfulness continues through all generations.”

f.o.b.

i had the immense blessing at working at a Christian camp for ten summers. well, pretty much ten summers. the last two weren’t full summers because i was huge and pregnant for summer #9..and i do mean huge! 🙂 and then a new mommy summer #10 and mainly just helped out a bit here and there as i could. (and since i never, ever, ever, ever…ever, ever exaggerate, ever. :)) i don’t want to mislead….but, for the better part of ten summers i was devoted and in LOVE with working at camp. there is no way to fully know how amazingly God impacted my life, my future…and, well….my everything though that place, those people, those experiences…all of it. i got engaged to my sweet man there for goodness sake. 🙂 and, for those of you wonderful people (family) who worked at camp el har with me, you know exactly what the title of this post means. you know it, because, if you were an overnight camp counselor, it was the absolute highlight of your day…you longed for it more than you longed for a cool drink of “coke, mr.pib, sprite or orange” 🙂 in the 106 degree heat of the endless summer camp days….more than the small bits of shade of the snack shack times while the kids played carpet-ball in between loooong walks between activities…..more than dressing up for wacky wednesday and blacking out your teeth with a sharpie….oh wait, i think that was just me! 🙂

for the rest of you unfortunate souls who didn’t work there 🙂 let me explain….

f.o.b. was a scheduled time during every camp day (for the overnight campers) where the campers and counselors would go into the cabins and take a set amount of time to calm down in a horizontal position, in hopes that said children’s eyes would close, breathing would slow to a steady calm, and noise would cease, if ever so briefly. they didn’t dare call it “nap” time because these kids were waaaay too big to take naps and would have revolted by tying the counselors together with their dirty socks and making them listen to hours upon hours of the ever-so-annoying song “i know a song that gets on the counselor’s nerves, i know a song that gets on the counselor’s nerves, i know a song that gets on the counselor’s nerves, and this is how it goes…verse 1….i know a song that gets on the counselor’s nerves, i know a song….”

now, f.o.b. was crucial, not only for the survival of the campers to make it through the jam-packed, fun-filled, heat-stroked week of camp…but also for the counselors to make it through the mosquito-packed, noise-filled, heat-stroked week after week after week after week of summer. it was by far the counselor’s favorite part of the day. they depended on it. they longed for it. they led their campers into the cabins, took just enough time to make sure they were all there and in the bunks and then whether or not the campers slept, they were snoring and drooling themselves before you could hum one bar of “kum-bay-yah, my Lord”. it was crucial for their survival. without it, they wouldn’t make it. it was f.o.b. and what did it stand for? Flat On Back.

well, it has been five years since i have worked at camp. weird to think about, but true. but, one thing is for sure…this last year, i have personally had an extra dose of f.o.b. time….and then some.

someone very dear to me, who loves Jesus so much it just oozes from her and whom i love and respect greatly, mentioned to me that i must have a very unique view of God from all this time i have had to spend flat on my back. whoa. that really got me thinking. and of course, inspired this post. as soon as i read what she wrote…the phrase “flat on my back” made me think of camp…and of course i couldn’t help but be flooded with years of memories and smiles and joy upon joy. but then i really started thinking about being f.o.b. all this time. i sure haven’t looked at it like the counselors did back in the day.

have i resisted it too much?

have i learned enough from it?

have i looked up enough?

you would think i would have no choice…but to look up. but oh, you’d be wrong. even flat on your back, with your face upward, you can choose to look left or right, or to flat close your eyes if you dare.

lately, i must admit, i have had a phrase running around in my head….about those ol’ Israelites…you ready for it??

forty years for an eleven day journey.

forty years for an eleven day journey.

please God, i DO NOT want to take forty years for this eleven day journey.

being f.o.b. allows for a lot of time to question a lot of things…

why is God doing this to me?

is God doing this to me?

or is He doing something through me?

when will He allow it to be done?

what can i do to speed this along?

what have i done wrong to slow this thing down?

why me?

why now?

for goodness sake, why still?

the good news for me is, at least now….that i have blissfully gotten to the point in my faith that i do not need answers to all of these questions anymore. trust me, it took a looooooong time to get here. i still might, in the middle of the night, when i am lying here in pain….again….cry out with one of these questions….again….but i believe that there is a difference between occasionally needing to ask Him one, and feeling entitled for Him to answer them.

thinking back, i have literally spent the better part of the last 11 months f.o.b.

that is roughly 300 days that i have spent the better part of the day with the opportunity to look up. this is, of course, an estimation, because there were quite a few days that i only had to spend a few hours f.o.b. to rest, but then there were entire weeks and weeks at a time where i had to spend the entire day that way, because the pain was so bad. but always, with the opportunity to look up.

did i always? no. did i sometimes? absolutely. did i do it sometimes with frustrated tears in my eyes and a selfish or self-righteous heart? absolutely. did i do it sometimes with hands held high praising and thanking Him to a favorite worship song? sure.

regardless, i have been f.o.b. for a while now. and to be honest, i do not know how much longer He’ll allow me to be this way. i have discovered that it is a whole lot easier to praise God when you are getting what you want, than it is to praise Him when you are seeing others live out the life you want, while you are, in fact…well, left f.o.b.

and i will be totally honest with you…listen up, cause this is for real….these last couple weeks in the hospital, when i have literally been f.o.b. all day every day, except for the quick trip to the potty (and some days i wasn’t even able to get up for that….don’t even get me started on the humility of the bed pan!!! :)) these days were leading me to a dark, sad, and hopeless place….a place where the enemy of my soul wanted to take me and keep me.

it wasn’t until some dear friends spoke Truth back into my heart, splashed some cold water (John 4:10-15) on my face and slapped me around a bit (in the name of Jesus!:) that i realized that even in huge amounts of pain, with no clear answers in sight…in a stinkin’ hospital bed…i could still be cheerful. i could still be thankful. i could still be positive. i could still find reason to believe that i would be ok. God was using this for His glory, whether i was enjoying my f.o.b. time or not.

ya see….those campers didn’t always know it….but they really couldn’t have made it through the whole week of camp without that f.o.b. time. their little bodies wouldn’t have made it. ya know why? because we had soooo many amazing things planned for them that they weren’t used to. they weren’t used to spending half a day in the hot sun at the lake and then the other half in the hot sun riding horses, shooting bows and arrows, climbing ropes courses, playing games, etc. if they didn’t nap….er, excuse me…have f.o.b. time, they would have been waaay too exhausted, and missed out on all the great things we had in store for them. you know where i’m going with this…..

this is where i’m at. i am choosing to take God at his Word. and i encourage you to do the same. maybe you aren’t literally flat on your back. and if you aren’t, i encourage you to take a few minutes and thank Him for that. but, maybe you are. and i am sorry for that. but, i am right here with you. i’m doing my leg and arm exercises so that i can rebuild what all these days f.o.b. have cost my wimpy little muscles. but, maybe you just feel like you are f.o.b. either emotionally or spiritually…maybe with your job, or your spouse, or your purpose in life. i don’t know. but i know Who does know. and i guarantee that NONE of your time f.o.b., or feeling that way is wasted. not one tear. not one moment. Our God is a God who redeems. i am believing Him that i will be better. not in my timing of course (bummer!:) but in His. i just gotta hold on. yes, easier said than done. trust me, waaaay easier said that done. but it can be done.

He has a plan, friend. and it is a good one. maybe this f.o.b. is exactly what you and i need to get ready for what He’s got coming. maybe He’s really got to knock some more sense into me. (not you i’m sure…you are surely far less stubborn and far more obedient and faithful than me…but i know me) so, i’m taking Him at His Word and trusting for the good that is to come. will i be this strong every day…no. but that is why it is crucial to surround yourselves with other believes who can support you during this time. God knows my closest friends and family flat out have carpet burns on their knees thanks to me. and i couldn’t be more humbly grateful. (sorry guys, it ain’t over, yet!!) but, i think it is important that we trust Him and thank Him now, while we are f.o.b…..that takes true strength, friend. stand alongside me. well….nevermind…lie alongside me….let’s be f.o.b. together. 🙂

jeremiah 29:11 “For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”

psalm 103:2-4 “Praise the Lord, O my soul, and forget not all his benefits–who forgives all your sins and heals all your diseases, who redeems your life from the pit and crowns you with love and compassion”

1 peter 5:6 “Humble yourselves, therefore, under God’s mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time.”

lucky 13

did you ever have one of those cheesey rabbit foot key chain thingy’s when you were younger? creepy, now, when i think of it…but they were popular, so of course, i had one. it hung, with many other obnoxious keychains on the zipper of my backpack, because i was young and obviously didn’t have a key to anything. there was a mini-magic 8 ball there as well….some sort of troll with poofy pink hair….maybe a mini-button of jordan from new kids on the block that i had pinned on as well. it was a large junk of mess rattling around, but it was popular, so i did it.

i didn’t ever actually believed that the appendage that someone cut off of poor thumper would bring me good luck, whether they had dyed it hot pink or not, didn’t matter. it was just something you had and saw, but didn’t put much weight in. kinda like the title of my post today…lucky 13. today marks the 13th day i have been in the hospital. wahoo. so, one might say…”hey, lucky 13, maybe you’ll get to go home today!?!” to which i would laugh and say, who knows if i’ll get to go home today, but it won’t be luck. i mean seriously….luck? didn’t turn out to “lucky” for ol’ thumper did it.

now, don’t get me wrong, i would LOOOOOVE to go home today, i don’t care what day it is. but i’d just assumed have gone home on “lucky 4” day or “lucky 5” day….but that is all silly talk anyway. and, after all, i’m still here. that’s right…..still here. ya hear that God….still here!?!?!?

my husband and i did a lot of good talking yesterday and he brought up a very good point. often when we do this, and he brings up a very good point, it is often something i don’t particularly want to hear. in other words, it is usually convicting and i’ve always been a fan of “pleasing me” type of conversations. not ryan. God knew what He was doing there.

yesterday started of with such promise. i got up out of this hospital bed and took a shower. which, by the way was beyond needed. i mean it. i’m talking, worse than when you have an infant and you are aimlessly stumbling around half-awake with spit-up all over you thinking “when was the last time i bathed myself?” ya, it was that bad. so, i took a shower and got up afterwards and didn’t really have much of a pressure headache at all. i couldn’t believe it! i was thrilled. especially since i had ended the night before so down in the dumps after getting up and having spinal pressure headaches after being flat on my back for TWO SOLID DAYS. but, here i was in the morning, feeling at least a little ok. Praise God! i still took it easy and stayed flat the rest of the morning, but then when i got up again, i still felt ok. it is so hard to differentiate how i feel, because i am so very weak and i get dizzy, from lying in a hospital bed for 12 days, and from the exhaustion of my adrenal insufficiency on top of all that….but i stood there and really focused and honestly couldn’t feel that scary headache. Oh God-could i be healed?? could that second blood patch really have worked? my hope soared. i flashed in my mind to getting home, finally, and seeing my babies and them being soooo happy…home, finally! then the afternoon came and i got up , just to go to the bathroom (yes, i had parted ways with the bed pan, and was happy to do so) and within minutes it hit me. NO! please God, NO! but sure enough, the all to familiar swelling headache came on again. i hurried back to lie flat, almost wishing it away. telling myself it wasn’t that bad. i lied flat the entire rest of the afternoon and early evening. then, once ryan got back up to the hospital, i knew i had to try it again. so, i did. this time was even worse. that swelling pressure feeling, like my brain will literally explode…i know that at this very moment my spinal fluid is leaking away from my brain, and causing trauma to it….so i lied down again. and cried. and worried. and got angry. and cried.

then, i just checked out. have you ever done that? been so spent, so overwhelmed and exhausted that you just check out? i wasn’t feeling much like talking to God about it. i wasn’t even feeling like talking about it, analyzing it, or even giving one moment’s thought to it. my body had betrayed me again, or so i felt. so i turned on the tv and just checked out. fortunately for me, that one of the 17 channels they have here at the hospital is lifetime and they were doing a movie marathon. so, for FOUR hours i just escaped. first, with drew barrymore in “never been kissed”, one of my all time favs. then a bit later, with julia roberts in “knotting hill” another good chick flick. i gave up my brain energy to useless tv. could i have gone to God, laid myself before Him, once again….yes. should i have opened my Bible and found Truth to encourage me? yes. could i even have opened one of the great Christian books i am reading right now and been encouraged? yes. shoulda….but didn’t. i’m not at all proud of this, but i just checked out.

later in the evening, as i was upset about the whole thing, ryan was trying to keep me positive and then he got a little “tough love baby” on me. he said “honey, you have got to calm down. you do this every time you start to feel worse, you get down, you worry more. then, when things get better, you get a good prognosis, your hopes go up and you are so much more positive. you can’t keep doing this to yourself.” ugh. it bugs me to no end when he nails me.

he was exactly right. i have been putting my hope in these circumstances, and not in my God. isn’t my faith stronger than this? i ask myself. i am not a fair weather faithful follower am i? or am i? its been tough not to be crushed each time i’ve gotten my hopes up. but over these last ten months and especially these last 13 days, it has been very tough…

doc:’ yes, this procedure should help and give us all the info we need, i bet we have you outta here in two days”
me: missing jacob’s birthday (crushed)

doc: “now, because of your past history, this second procedure really should seal this leak and as long as you lie flat for an entire 24 hours, just to be safe, i bet it will be fine. you should be home by saturday”
me: missing bringing bday cupcakes to jacob’s school and benjamin’s meet the teacher night and missed the entire four day weekend with my fam

and here i am…day 13, and as it looks from here, i will be missing my darling benjamin’s first day of preschool tomorrow. i can’t hardly even think about it.

but i have to stop. i have to stop putting all my hope in these circumstances. i must stop putting all my hope in the outcome of this. my hope should be in God, regardless of my circumstances.

psalm 31:24 “Be strong and take heart, all you who hope in the Lord.”

isaiah 40:31″but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.”

i can’t lie here in a hospital bed day after day after day and not have my ups and downs. i have to be fair to myself. but, i’m not sure i can handle this emotional roller coaster anymore. (read my blog about roller coasters, i don’t like them to begin with) and i guess the reason i don’t feel like i can take it anymore is because i am not designed to take it. i am not supposed to take it.

psalm 55:22 “Cast your cares on the Lord and he will sustain you; he will never let the righteous fall.”
1 peter 5:7 “Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.”

my burden is to get home. my kids are just dying for me to come home. they cry every day now, it seems. 13 days in their world must seem like two months! the normalcy of our home will not be returned until i come home. that is one heavy burden. one heavy burden i can no longer carry.

i want to jump right out of this bed and run home. literally run. but i can’t. i have to get well. and each time i start to feel well, i can’t put my hope in that. because that seems to fade away. we are at a huge turning point with my medical team, decisions have to be made. big decisions. going home and resting and just seeing if this will heal itself, not likely but possible…..or another major procedure and surgery to fix the problem (with only 50% accuracy) and at least 4-5 more days in the hospital. whew. burden. can’t handle that one either.

so, on this day, 13….there is no luck. there is just me, lying in this hospital bed, again. and there is God, who is in complete control. my bets are on Him.

God- i blew it yesterday. i am so sorry. you know my heart. you know every cell in my body. i desire your will. please give me all the strength i need for this. i’ve been wasting the strength you give me on trying to carry too much. and i’ve been setting my hope in things around me. please forgive me. you are going to have to transform this heart. this mind. this way of thinking. i know you can. i thank you in advance for that miracle. and i thank you in advance for the day i do get to go home to my family. may i have not wasted this part of my trial, may i have learned what you sought to teach me. i am yours. amen

wet feet

have you ever noticed how much easier it is for a friend or loved one to give advice, or be faithful, when they aren’t the one going through “the thing” themselves? and who knows, maybe they did…maybe they didn’t…but it is still not the same.

i mean…..it is much easier for your friend to talk about being a loving and submissive wife…about having her husband’s favorite dinner ready and on the table when he gets home and flirting with him, leaving love notes for him….encouraging you to do the same and how it will improve your marriage greatly….that is what she is supposed to do, encourage you in friendship and love. but it sure is easy when she doesn’t go home to your man who rarely looks you in the face…never has a kind word to say and hasn’t initiated a romantic touch…or a touch of any kind with you, i guess, unless you include the high five he gave you and the boys after tony romo’s touchdown throw. her ideas sound great. they sound easy, from her world, not from yours.

or maybe you have a friend who has a great idea on how to lose weight. whether it is counting points…..or calories…..or carbs…..or sheep for goodness sake, who knows? she makes it sound sooo easy. and while you are lunch, you see her mouth moving and hear words coming out, but all you can focus on is how adorable she looks in her size 6 capris and adorable tank top. so you are smiling and politely nodding at her, but at the same time, trying to remember the last time you even showed your upper arms in public…was it before kids? before college? then you are jolted back to reality when she giggles and says, “i knew you would try it! good for you!” you aren’t quite sure what you agreed to do, but you are thankful that the waiter has just interrupted the conversation and brought you your double bacon cheeseburger, fries and handspun chocolate milkshake. you purposely avoid eye-contact with your friend as she gets ready to bless her food, if you can call that food…looks like tree bark and grass to you…with oil and vinaigrette….. on the side, of course.

or, like me…you are currently dealing with the faith vs. fear thing. worry vs. faith. whatever you wanna call it…you too might be dealing with a very hard time in your life that you are having to trust God through. i know i am. and i have so many people, God-fearing, God-loving, God-serving people who love me dearly, who pray for me constantly, but who still, in the back of their minds, might be baffled that i’m still dealing with this “thing”. STILL?? seriously? “c’mon, you need to just give it to God.” “He wants to take it from you.” “He can be trusted!” oh how i know this to be true. i would not have made it these past TEN MONTHS without these truths etched into my mind and soul. and i know people mean well, i really do. i am thankful for my dear friends and their love and support, especially during this time. but i must admit….that on occasion, i have wanted to say “ya know, cut me a little slack people…this has been such an unbelievably hard year for me, medically speaking, and i must admit that truly giving my life, my dreams, my plans, my children’s futures, my husband, ALL of it….TRULY giving all of that up…isn’t quite as easy lying from a hospital bed. would you consider that to be fair of me to say?” now, do i still do it? ABSOLUTELY!! i have to. i must. Romans 12:1 tells me to “Therefore, I urge you, brothers, in view of God’s mercy, to offer your bodies as living sacrifices, holy and pleasing to God-this is your spiritual act of worship.” and like my pastor always says, the darn thing about a living sacrifice is that the thing keeps getting up off the altar. ding, that’s me. thanks a lot, pastor bill. so, daily i have to give this thing to God. some days are easier than others. i am so thankful He hasn’t given up on me yet. and I’m thankful He won’t. but, you must admit, that from someone else’s side of this, looking in, it may be a bit easier to say all these things if they weren’t in the middle of this type of confusing unanswerable, painful, emotional, DRAWN OUT, medical drama. fair statement?

now, i know that everyone is going through something. your thing right now may be financial crisis, or addiction of some kind. you may be having serious and scary issues of safety with your kids. you may be struggling with your aging parents and the toll that takes on you. i could not relate to any of that. but, thankfully God can. and He’s the only one we can look to who can truly help us and understand us. but i can try to be there for you, like so many have tried to be there for me. that is what we are called to do, after all. and i’m aware that my thing isn’t the worst thing ever, trust me. i am thankful to God and He is good at giving me a dose of perspective, for sure. but for me, living it right now, it is a big deal, and it is hard.

this all reminds me so much of peter. (matthew 14) you know, right after the disciples saw Jesus feed the five thousand with the five loaves of bread and two fish….i mean…c’mon what a ministry high that must have been. they must have been praising and shouting and just jumping for joy that they were a prt of something so amazing, so big, so powerful!! so, they got in a boat and Jesus stayed back on the mountainside to dismiss the people and then to be by himself and pray. (sidenote: if the God made flesh needed to take time out to pray alone, i’m thinking you and i do too..just a thought) so then He noticed that the boat had gotten so far out from the shore. so, what did he do? did he take a jetski out and get there quick? nah. true, they weren’t technically invented yet, but seriously, we are talking about Jesus here, He could have pulled anything off. did He ask them to come back and get Him? nope. He was worthy of a shuttle service but didn’t ask for one. Did he just appear on their boat “I Dream of Jeannie” style? no. He did the completely unexpected and the thing no one had ever done, he walked out on the water. He met them in a way they didn’t know He could. it was the middle of the night, and since they didn’t know He could do that, they saw something and thought it was a ghost and THEY WERE AFRAID!! even though they knew Jesus was God and could take care of anything at all, their first response was fear. gee….i can’t relate to that at all. (insert sarcasm) so he chills them out and says (v.27)”take courage, it is i. don’t be afraid” personally i love this, for a couple reasons. one, he doesn’t seem to get too mad that His own “bros” don’t even recognize him, c’mon guys, it’s me!! second, he tells them to TAKE courage….they still have a choice, it is still on them. they gotta take it. i gotta take it. you gotta take it.

so, peter does. he says, (v.28) “Lord, if it is you, tell me to come to you on the water.” so, Jesus says, “alright dude, what’s this “if” business, it’s me, get out here, you chicken.” ok not really, that’s probably what i would have said. Jesus just says one word, “Come.” and peter gets out of the boat and walks on the water. what in the world must that have been like?? this wasn’t a calm little pond….or a kiddy pool he was dipping his toes in. it was a huge lake and it was dark….windy…rough….not to mention, something he had never experienced before. peter has his eyes on Jesus and was walking towards Jesus and he was fine…doing something that no one else had ever done before, except the Son of Man. but, then, just like me, and maybe just like you…peter began to look around him. peter looked at the uneasy surroundings….whooosh….peter looked at the wind….whoooooshhh and peter was afraid…..and peter began to sink.

man oh man, how many times have i done that?? taken my eyes off of Jesus and looked at my surroundings….whooosh…..ya see my wind does sound a little different right now….in fact, currently it is beep, beep, beep, beep, beep….that sound means my iv fluid transfusion is almost complete…harmless enough, except that fear reminds me with those beeps that the reason i have to stay on this fluid is to make sure my spinal fluid is regenerating enough so my brain doesn’t sink down into my head when they do finally let me stand up this afternoon. whoooosh….another of my wind noises is more of a wrrrr, wrrrrr, wrrrr…it is the sound of the things i have affectionately named my “leg squeezy thingys” that alternate squeezin my calves and fear reminds me that this wind noise is to ensure i don’t get a blood clot in my leg since i have been so inactive for 11 days now. whooooosh.

peter saw the wind. he took his eyes of Jesus and he sank. i have done the same. two nights ago i was so concerned about whether or not this procedure had worked that i lost sleep, tensed up muscles and got an awful migraine type headache and generally made myself have a miserable day……all because i took my eyes off Jesus.

now, keep in mind, that peter called out pretty quickly to Jesus, as i imagine any of us would, and as i know i have…”Lord, save me!” and Jesus did. in fact verse 31 says that “IMMEDIATELY Jesus reached out His hand and caught Him” but then i must admit what he says next stings a little for me, at least. “You of little faith, why did you doubt?” ouch.

ya see….Jesus’ feet were wet. and so were peter’s. peter should have known that he could have 100% trusted Jesus, because Jesus was out there with him the whole time! but man, sometimes when you are in the midst of the storm, and you got waves crashing around you, it is SOOOOO hard to drown out the whoooooshing sounds of that obnoxiously loud wind. especially because of John 10:10 and we know the enemy is standing right there with his megaphone yelling WHOOOOOOSHHHHH as loud as he can too!!

i would like to point out though, that the other disciples, ya know, the ones in the boat….although having been through a lot with both Jesus and peter….now had one thing no longer in common with peter…they had dry feet. once back on board, it would have very easy for them to say “oh, c’mon peter, you shouldn’t have been afraid. your faith should be stronger than that. you just need to trust Him.” and yes, they are supposed to build him up in the faith, don’t get me wrong…but just remember, they are doing it with dry feet. sure, some of them were fishermen, they’d waded in shallow water, swum in deep water….but never anything like this. they didn’t know what it felt like to walk upon that water. they didn’t hear, with the same volume, or feel with the same fierceness, the strength of that wind. and they certainly didn’t know what it felt like to sink.

so, i pray that Jesus will equip each of us with an amazing dose of empathy. to be there for our fellow sisters and brothers in Christ. maybe we have been through something so similar as they have been…i KNOW and FIRMLY believe God brings people alongside you to walk rough roads with you, and i thank Him for that. i personally have been blessed with a handful of people who have walked alongside me this entire time…me, stomping along with my wet feet, sometimes stomping out of anger or fear, sometimes out of joy and submission….but they’ve stuck by me, with their dry feet in this area, but loving on me, praying for me and being there for me, as best they can from where they are. and boy do i thank God for them. i want to encourage all of us though, if you haven’t been through it, remember your dry feet on the issue….and simply try to love them. and if you are the one, like me whose feet are drip, drop soaking wet and have been for a while….DO NOT forget the Only One whose feet are as wet as yours…our Jesus. and He will be there immediately. He will never let you down. you….and He….will remain with you and your pruny, wet feet together, until He’s ready for you to get back in the boat. until then, don’t take your eyes off of Him.

amen.

Joshua 1:5 “No one will be able to stand up against you all the days of your life. As I was with Moses, so I will be with you; I will never leave you nor forsake you.”

crying out again

ok, so do you know that in the last year i have….

literally received probably 50 meals from friends, family, ryan’s co-workers, church members…all just wanting to help us during this time and bless us…..

received FREE babysitting from countless friends, during times when they surely had better things to do that take care of my kiddos….

been chauffeured around town to appointments, Bible study, events, etc….because i couldn’t drive myself, just so i didn’t miss out on everything….

received very generous and anonymous gifts in the mail, just to bless our family during this tough financial time……

been prayed over multiple times, by multiple people, through tears, wanting my healing as badly as i do….

been prayed for by hundreds (who knows, maybe thousands) of people….some of whom don’t even know me personally…..

been over-accomodated to make sure i was comfortable and as free from pain as possible…for instance, my “girls” always having the couch ready for me to crash on at Bible study….knowing there was no way i could sit upright and make it the whole time…..

grown so very much closer to my dearest friends during this time, as they have truly seen the good, bad and the super ugly of every side of my emotion throughout this all and they love me still….(that still baffles me)

grown leaps and bounds in my relationship with God through this season…in a way i KNOW i could not have without this trial, this wilderness, this refining fire, this thorn…..i trust Him more, love Him more, rely and absolutely need Him more than i ever have in all my life….and i still KNOW without a shadow of a doubt, i have so much further to go….

PSALM 69:30 “I will praise God’s name in song and glorify him with thanksgiving.”

i truly do have so much to be thankful for. i can see. i can hear. my family is healthy and they love me. i belong to an amazing church who ACTS like Jesus and steps up to serve. i am surrounded by friends and family who support, pray and lift me up.

am i still sad? sure. but, this morning when i cry out, i have chosen to see all God has given me, all He has blessed me with. it is a choice how to view these things. often, i choose the wrong way, i get stuck in the thoughts of worry, fear, sadness, self-pity. but this morning, God has filled me with hope, peace and joy. i still miss my kids and my man and my home terribly. but i WILL praise God’s name in song and glorify him with thanksgiving. i will. and when i can’t, when i am weak, He will lift me up once again. he can’t be anything but faithful to me and he can’t be anything but faithful to you, friend. rest in that promise, as i do.

amen.

crying out

ok, so here’s the deal….in the last year…i have….

been to the ER at least eight times, i have actually lost count….(no, none of those are for baby reasons)……

spent at least 16 nights in the hospital….(again, kinda lost count) sad, isn’t it?

been unable to do sooo many normal things that people take for granted EVERY single day (run errands, go shopping, drive a car, sit upright all the time, go on dates with their spouse, run and play with their kids)…..

been poked and prodded more times than i can possibly count….literally, my veins are pin cushions for sure….

recovered from one illness, just to simply face another….spinal fluid leak….heals…then adrenal insuffieciancy…still not healed..but still, i faced a ruptured ovarian cyst….two more adrenal crisis…..bronchitis that sent me to ER….severe gluten intolerance…..multiple difficulties with tapering crazy steroids…..now back to possible spinal fluid leak AGAIN…..

spent tens of thousands upon tens of thousands of dollars to our good ol’ pals blue cross blue shield and countless other docs, lab corps, etc…..

had to look into my babies’ eyes and answer questions like “when are the doctors going to fix you, mama?” and “why can’t you just come home now?” and “did you ask the nurses and the doctors if you can come home yet, mama, i miss you!”……

lived every single day in some sort of pain, taking some sort of drug…….

PSALM 57:2 “I cry out to God Most High, to God, who fulfills {his purpose} for me.”

as i lie here in this particular hospital bed for the 8th night in a row….i am crying out to my God. i want so badly to fulfill His purpose.

I KNOW HE IS GOOD.
I KNOW HE IS WORKING THROUGH THIS.
I KNOW HE IS HERE WITH ME.

but you know what else???

i also know enough about Him to know He knows my heart and he hears it breaking right now. He know how much i miss my children, my husband, my home, MY NORMAL LIFE. He knows how weary my body is from being in pain. He knows my fear as i face test after test, unanswered questions from befuddled doctors.

my faith muscles have been worked out so hard this year, you wouldn’t even believe it. no, seriously. i used to look like the skinny little guy who holds up the flag when a tennis ball goes out of bounds at Wimbledon. but, now, i feel like, if you could picture those big guys who compete in those competitions where they pull cars and throw kegs of beer over their shoulders like they were bags of sugar…..that’s how i feel. well, sort of.

i feel like after facing all of this, i should look that way. but…oooh i would be lying to you if i told you i feel like that all the time. most of the time i feel like the little tennis ball guy, zipped up in a costume stuffed with pillows to make me look like the mega-strong man. and then i remember…
romans 8:1 “Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus”

fortunately, i have been trying to learn not to be LED by my feelings. oooh, as a member of the fairer gender, and an admittedly emotional basketcase…….that ain’t easy, let me tell you.

and tonight, i am just plain sad. that’s all there is to it. i thought that this plan the doctors had would work and i might get to experience some relief from pain today and maybe go home tomorrow. instead, once again i find myself in pain, no closer to going home, and disappointed. so, i will just have to do what i’ve done sooooo many nights these last ten months and go to God with it before bed. i am so thankful He can handle my dramatic moments. He can handle my true emotions. He knows i love Him. He knows i want to be faithful to His will through all this. but He also knows i am only human. and this has been a looong, hard road. thankfully, i have not gone alone. He has given me AMAZING family and friends to support me…Scripture, songs, books, sermons, everything i need…..when i need it.

tonight, i just needed to cry out. this post isn’t well-written. i probably won’t even check it over. i just wanted to get it all off my chest. i wanted anyone who cared to read to know that i am sad. i miss my home, the sounds, the smells, the sweet voices that yell my name, the looks i share with ryan throughout the evening….all of it. i miss it terribly. i cannot wait to go home. but i love you Lord and i trust you. give me your added peace and strength, i cannot do this without you, nor do i want to try. so, regardless of my “feelings” tonight God, i cry out to you….

hebrews 10:23 “Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for he who promised is faithful.”

fall risk

wow, this has been tough. i have been wanting to write for a while, but these stinkin’ headaches have been killing me….ugh. we are now on day four of this particular hospital stay. (i have been in the hospital four times over the past year, in case anyone was keeping count….well, anyone besides blue cross blue shield) i have been thinking and praying a lot over these last few days. i’ve had a lot of time with God, thankful for that…not crazy about the scenery, of course.

today, at least, God has really been speaking to me about this little yellow band i am wearing. they gave it to me in the ER when i arrived because i was so dizzy every time i stood up, it was one of my major symptoms. it is a simple little bracelet…like the plastic-y (yes, that’s a word) kind we used to pass out at camp when kids would pass the swim test. but this one has, in big bold letters, FALL RISK printed on it. big bold letters for everyone to see.

did i tell you about my socks? this is even more of a warning for ya. i am currently wearing (and have been for four days now) these lovely bright yellow socks with white grippers on them (both sides, by the way). these are the socks for the “FALL RISK” people to wear. just to give you a visual, they are similar looking to the totes brand of socks that you can buy at Christmastime to keep your little feetsies warm and slip-free on the cold tile floor. mine, like i mentioned, have grippers on the top and the bottom. my family members and i have had plenty of time to theorize about why they might do this…maybe so they can be frugal and just flip them over when one side wears out?……maybe in case older people get confused and don’t know which way is up?…maybe because it just looks cooler, or as cool as those kind of socks can?……but as it turns out, these socks tend to slip around on the foot (ironic, if you ask me) and so they put grippers on both sides, just in case. hmm, interesting.

regardless, mine are bright neon yellow and are yet another warning to anyone within a 20 foot radius (or even further if they own a decent pair of binoculars) that i am, in fact, a FALL RISK. i am unstable on my feet…cannot walk on my own….prone to falling….have a history of falling…..am always in meed of assistance…..you get the idea.

the longer i stared at these words, the more annoyed i became. do i really have to be labeled like this??? and the more i thought about my God….and about the enemy of my soul. John 10:10 tells us that “the enemy comes ONLY to steal, kill and destroy” and i know this to be true. as i have shared in previous blogs, my gracious and loving God has been dealing with me on the issue of worry and fear. and as i mentioned at the beginning of this particular blog, i have been in and out of the hospital for years now…..in pain…often with no real answers as to what in the world is going on. satan has worked very, very hard to steal my joy, kill my hope, and destroy my dreams. he for sure has noticed my FALL RISK bracelet this time as well.

i definitely feel as though i have fallen down quite a bit over these last months and months. to be honest, this has taken quite an emotional toll on me….as i have felt better at times, and then something sort of huge like this week happens and knocks me back quite a bit. i probably shouldn’t be so fragile. i probably shouldn’t fall quite so easily. i really should be stronger. and, thanks to the strength God has given me, i truly have been strong most days, and even some nights. 🙂 but i have fallen. more than once. more than twice. but i praise God that i have not stayed down.

i am also praising God that i don’t have to go through this alone. i am so very thankful that He has shown up to support me and encourage me, love on me and lift me up….

whether it be through the amazing lyrics of a praise song on my adorable, little blue ipod (bought for me by someone who loves me more than i know) during one of these massive headaches….

hearing the voice of a dear friend at just the right time, their voice of encouragement meaning more to me than they know……

maybe it is just staring at my man…the man i have been in love with since i was 18, and smiling as i think back at how super far God has brought us and can’t help but be reminded of His faithfulness to us both……

an amazing letter filled with the truth of His Word and with the fun memories of my “little sis”…something i will treasure forever…….

re-reading a Scripture that i had forgotten about, but that is perfect and poignant and exactly what i need, exactly when i need it……

the JOY that filled my heart at the sound of my boys coming around the corner today to come and visit me….there are no words…..

hearing the beep of my phone and receiving txt after txt of my prayer warriors standing their post for me once again…..

a surprise visit from a friend that has known and loved me for 22 years, through so very much….too much…..

then there’s all the quiet moments i have had to just sit and be still….in His presence….something i truly am thankful for…..

my view from this hospital bed is limited. i stare at that blank wall across from me, which contains the mounted tv, a clock that ticks oh so slowly sometimes and i noticed something that really caught my eye…maybe because it is also bright yellow and matches my FALL RISK ensemble….and i realized that there is a reason it matches..it is a reminder for us FALL RISK people….a note just for me…..and you know what it says…..

CALL, DON’T FALL! ask for assistance whenever getting up! please help prevent falls and fall related injuries.

that hit me.

dear me, you do not have to do this on your own…CALL ME…don’t fall. when you feel like you are about to fall, call ME instead. be aware of it. help PREVENT falls. CALL ME often. i love you, Jesus.

last night was so hard. i felt so very awful. so much had piled up on top of me. the enemy was right there waiting, happy to point out my FALL RISK bracelet. but, thanks be to GOD for His faithfulness ONCE AGAIN…..and thanks for the truth in these words from The Word.

1 peter 5:6-7 “humble yourselves therefore under God’s mighty hand, that He may LIFT YOU UP in due time. cast ALL of your cares on Him, because HE CARES FOR YOU.”

phil 4:6-7 “do not worry about anything, but in EVERYTHING, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God, and the peace of God, which transcends ALL understanding will guard your heart and your mind in Christ Jesus.”

so…maybe you aren’t actually wearing a FALL RISK bracelet right this very minute. maybe you are, but you are the only one who can see it. trust me…you aren’t the only one. the enemy can see it…but MORE IMPORTANTLY….our great God can see it. and the FAITH that you have in HIM is all you need. (eph 6:16 ” in addition to all of this, take up the shield of faith with which you can extinguish ALL the flaming arrows of the evil one.”)

as for me, i will go to bed again tonight, in this lovely hospital bed, wearing my neon yellow socks…. and i will rest in the fact that i am not in control, but that i love the One who is. easier said than done soemtimes…but i’m doing it. rest i will. i pray you do too.

top ten list

ok, here it is…i have decided to give you a full on disclosure of life in the hospital. it occurred to me that some of you may have never spent any length of time in the hospital, and so i want you to know what you are missing…and since ryan has left me for a while because he really does have to get some work done, especially if i am going to be here for a few more days..then, i am left here alone to rest, pray a lot, read some and of course, blog :)….all of these i can do lying down, where i feel the least amount of pain. so, without further adoo (how do you spell that word?) away we go….

and i’m thinking these are going to be in no particular order…i’m just givin’ it to you as it comes, let’s just go with the flow, people. 🙂

10. hours of uninterrupted tv time: now, this might not seem like a huge deal for some people…but in my world, this is pretty amazing. i have been here since thursday, and granted, i haven’t felt great a lot of the time…but thanks to the relief that comes with certain positions and rest and occasional drugs, i have been able to enjoy the tv in bed. ryan and i don’t have a tv in our bedroom. we made a conscious choice to only have a tv in our living room and leave the bedroom for bedroom activities. mainly because when we first got married, we would just go to bed and watch tv and never talk to each other or spend any time elsewhere in the apartment. (don’t let your imagination run too wild there) but once we had kids, we decided that one tv was enough, and so we do enjoy watching shows together in the living room, but then when tv time is over, it’s over. so…this has been a treat. and besides, do you know the last time i have watched dora, or olivia, or franklin or the backyardigans? ryan and i have been able to flip around to random tv shows and old movies at will. what a perk! what a luxury! but, man, oh man, we gotta talk to the doc about getting verizon fios up in here though…..

# 9 1/2. really, you know i couldn’t have just a normal type ten list…i actually went back after writing this whole thing and wanted to add this one….it isn’t just about the uninterrupted TV time, but just the uninterrupted TIME…ryan and i have talked a lot with each other, prayed together, i have read a lot, laid in this super cool toy/bed (you’ll get to that later) and just relaxed in His presence, and now, i have been alone in my room for a few hours….honestly can’t remember the last time i was alone. really. i mean, i obviously have a nurse or two come check on me periodically, but you know what i mean. i know this isn’t the ideal way to get some “me time” and i DO NOT recommend it for anyone, but i am choosing to thank God for this bit of quiet times. very thankful for it. but….ooooh do i miss my babies, so very much it hurts sometimes and i’m flooded with emotion…..ok, gotta keep going with the list, otherwise i’ll start missing them too bad!!!!!!!

9. super cool bed/toy: c’mon who isn’t impressed with a bed that has a remote control?? it goes up and down, reclines back and forth at the push of a button. in my past stays, the kids have come up and visited me and they have a blast taking turns “riding mommy’s special bed”. hilarious and so cute, those kids of ours. now..please note that comfort is not actually one of the qualities listed to describe this bed, but it is pretty cool and convenient when you don’t feel like you can get up on your own…or your sweet hubby who has stood by your side for soooo long now is quietly (sort of) snoring in the joke-of-a-fold out chair/bed next to you and you don’t want to bother him, so you can try to get up on your own. although, this bed isn’t known for quietness either, so that plan usually backfires….but it really is cool. plus….connected to it are all these cool buttons to control things around you. need a little light to read a book, no problem, just push a button. need your nurse, just push a button. wanna turn on your ever-present dora-free tv, just push a button, conveniently located on your bed. c’mon, that is just cool!! and when you get really bored, you can just ride it, just for fun. 🙂 all that button-pushing kinda leads me right into #8….

#8. having a “staff” wait on you hand and foot and the push of a button: now, once again…let us not forget that this is all accompanied by pain and stuff often, but right now we are focusing on the good 🙂 so c’mon, who wouldn’t like to push a button and have any number of people come and help you do anything you ask, take care of every need you have, clean up after you, change your sheets, whoosh in with your meals, refill your drinks, bring you drugs to help you feel good…. is this what the super rich people feel like??? obviously without the hospital gowns and numbness and headaches. well, i assume so, who knows, some of those dudes are a bit odd. 🙂 ok, moving on….

#7. no wardrobe drama: life here on the “inside” is soooo pressure free. i don’t lie here in my bed and worry about what the lady in room 351 is wearing, or if her gown fits her better than mine does. we are all created equal. her gown is the same lovely green pinstripe as mine is and has the same obscure navy symbols in alternating patterns as the guy next door, who happens to speak very loudly, by the way. 🙂 we all are in this together…we all coordinate, and we all feel the very same breath of fresh air that wafts in from the rear when we get up. refreshing and equal. it’s nice.

#6. it is crazy clean here, and I DIDN’T DO IT!!: that’s right…this place it wicked clean. no dust bunnies. in fact, no dust. no funky stains on the carpet. no mysterious odors coming from anywhere…it is super clean and i haven’t spent one moment doing it myself. music to my ears, for sure. and like magic, every day, it just keep getting cleaner. although it isn’t magic…it is this sweet hispanic lady who knocks so softly that i know it is her just from her knock now and she quietly comes in and asks me if it is ok to come clean. does anyone ever tell her no, really? she has the best smile. i don’t think she understands me really, but i talk a bit to her, thank her for her hard work and say “God bless you!’ and she smiles back and backs out of the room. i am thankful for her and for how clean my room is. seriously y’all. it is greatness. no cheerios on the floor. no dirty underwear anywhere. no rolly pollies that have met their fate in the corners. all clean all the time. nice.

#5. two words: apple juice. anybody with me on this one?? if you have ever stayed in the hospital for anything, you know that the apple juice they have here is like specially imported from some sort of secret apple grower somewhere. i mean it. the stuff of liquid gold. it is always half frozen so if you let it sit for the perfect amount of time, it is just past the point of slushiness…and then sometimes, if you are up for it, you can mix it with the cranberry juice and create a nice little refreshing pick-me-up. can’t describe it, but trust me, it is just that good. and…like everything else, it is readily available for you anytime. nice.

#4. you make new friends: for the born social, this is greatness, because you are always in contact with someone new. you get new nurses every shift, new people come get your blood often..lots of docs come in and out…the room service team switches out all the time to bring your food. and while, yes, these people are technically doing their jobs, i assume that there is a pretty good chance you wouldn’t have otherwise come into contact with them. but, now, in the past few days, i have met at least 20 new people, gotten to smile at them..and for the most part gotten to say “God bless you!’ when i could. i didn’t every time. but i do try. and i always know who to expect, at least for the most part. right now, it is dr. patel, for anything major. leni at 61034 if my iv beeps, i need any meds or anything else, and the very young but sweet nurse tech rose at 61205 who taped my arm all up for my shower earlier and changed my sheets for me, not to mention brought me an extra pillow. yup, i got the hook ups.

#3. free jug-o-water: you know the kind i’m talking about? the lid is like super air tight and the straws are the best. they bend perfectly and have that little removable lid thingy. they keep water cold for a while and they have a handle. they hold a ton of water too. my sweet grandpa has numerous of these from he and my nana’s hospitals stays over the years. he thinks they are the best. not sure you really need 15 in your house, but he likes them. go ahead and stop me if you come over and ever find that many at my house….seriously doubt that will happen though, i am married to ryan, after all…my little organizer. 🙂 and yes, i am well-aware that this mug isn’t actually free…it will probably wind up costing us thousands and thousands of dollars, but you get the idea. 🙂

#2. free meals, once again THAT I DIDN’T MAKE!!: and yes, once again, averaged out, i am betting each meal is costing us about $697 but again, you get my point. 🙂 and this hospital does things a bit differently and i think i like it. they have a set menu that you order on whenever you feel like it. so, you just call up and order anything you want from the entire menu and then you can expect it within about 45 minutes…it is really kinda like room service. cool, huh? now, i am bummed about my current wheat/gluten free stuff cause that reduces significantly what i would order, but hey, i’m still looking on the bright side. (in case you were wondering, i would have already chosen the alfredo and bowtie pasta, the pizza with my choice of toppings, a waffle for breakfast and i for sure would have had chicken quesadillas. sigh. but i ain’t complaining and so far, it has all been pretty darn good. but, it is kinda hard to mess up ham and turkey slices with no bread and grilled chicken breast with no seasonings, with broccoil, carots and a baked potato on the side…..but i am sure it could be done…it fact, it could be done, by me. i could totally mess that up! 🙂 but i’m not. and ya know what else, i’m not cleaning it up either. sweet smiling people come in and whisk it all away whenever i’m done. nice.

#1. healing: this one is pre-emptive. but i am believing. the number ONE thing about this hospital stay, my friend,is that i actually believe that this one is going to lead somewhere. whether it leads to me going somewhere else, like the mayo clinic. or whether it leads to further testing and actually getting some new results, i am not sure. but, i know God has me here for a reason and i am having to fully trust in that. so…it is a no-brainer that, at least for me, the number one coolest thing about being in the hospital this time, dear friends…is that maybe it will be the last time i will have to be. i guess i better enjoy the apple juice while i can. 🙂

john 15:11 “I have told you this so that my joy may be in you and that your joy may be complete.”

on a roller coaster with an open gown

i never really have been much of a roller coaster person. people think that because i am outgoing and bubbly that i am also daring and adventurous, but trust me, i am a wimp. even growing up, in the supposed “rowdy” teen years, i was pretty boring, pretty tame. pretty fearful i guess you could say. we lived fairly near six flags and so it wasn’t uncommon to go there multiple times a year with my friends. but, i was VERY much more interested in looking for cute boys than for actually riding the rides. for those of you who are locals as well, you will completely understand when i say that i was literally like 14 years old before i rode anything faster than the judge roy scream. (big, fat weenie ride designed with 9 years olds in mind….ok, maybe 6 year olds, i;m being nice to myself) i would rotate through that, the log ride and the mine train. yep, a dare-devil, i was not.

well, today, let me say, that i have been strapped to a roller coaster, that i honestly don’t remember signing up to ride on. i feel like i did the time i wasn’t paying attention and accidentally got in line with my friends and got busy chatting and flirting in line with boys around us (yes, i was a bit boy crazy, but that is a topic for a whole other blog post!) and wasn’t paying attention to what ride we were actually waiting for. ya know, once you are deep in the middle of the zig and the zag of those ridiculous lines, you kinda lose track of where you are…especially when you are more concerned on trying to figure out of that boy looks more like joey or jordan from nkotb. (girls of the 1990’s, you know exactly what i’m talking about) anyway, i got up to the front and realized that we were, in fact, in line for the shock wave. um, hello the SHOCK WAVE!?!?! my heart starts racing out of control….is that the one that goes at like MOCH SPEED in loops or something and then, oh ya, just after you have lost your healthy lunch of cotton candy and some form of meat fried on a stick…then you recover nicely with whiplash and get to do it all over again backwards!?!? um, can you say…no thank you. no way. no how. not gonna happen. i didn’t care (for once in the height of my social years) what “coolness” this was costing me…i was getting out of that line and i was getting out QUICK!!! i did not care if joey and jordan were actually riding the ride with us, i…was…out.

today, as i type this blog entry, i do so for the very first time from an actual hospital bed. and trust me, i did NOT sign up for this roller coaster ride either. yesterday and today have carried me through ups and downs emotionally, physically, spiritually…all of it. i have been whipped around, and up and down, loop-de-looped more than i’d like to admit…and while i am thankful to not literally have lost my lunch, i have felt as though i just might about every other hour or so. this ride has actually been a lot longer than just these last few days, though. if you have read any of my blogs, you know that. and if you know me at all, then you know that i have been whipping around on this baby for months and months, actually years now. i got on the ride when it was titled Meningitis Mania back in the fall of 2007 and who knew i’d still be holding on for dear life almost three years later when the ride has changed to Adrenal Fre-fall? well, God knew. thank Him for that!

we still don’t have answers. i take that back. we have some answers. some of the medical “stuff” they come in and say has been good. in fact, THANK YOU JESUS, a lot of it has been. i have heard a few things about normal kidney and liver function (praise you, Father) and that they looked for markers for lupus and other autoimmune diseases that have came back negative. (again i give glory to you, God) although, in my COMPLETELY non-medical mind, i almost said something brilliant like “hmm…markers, eh? i was kinda hoping we’d be going a little more in depth that crayola at this point, eh guys?” just once i wish i knew enough about the human body to be able to contribute, to feel like i understand. thankfully, i TRUST and serve the One who thought up the idea of DNA, so i am good with that.

but, i’m not sugar-coating this for anyone…that isn’t me. there have been soooo many times today alone when i have cried out in frustration. why? is it because i don’t trust God? no. is it because i am weak in my faith? i don’t think so. is it because i am scared? well, sure….this stuff is scary stuff. you spend the better part of a year lying around in pain every day with new and confusing symptoms coming about every so often and tell me that wouldn’t concern you a bit. i’d think you’d be lying. or at least a whole lot better at faking than me. and i’ve gotten pretty good at that. i’ve gotten good at putting on a happy face, my whole life…i love making people happy. actually, i love being happy. so…that is why sometime soon i am going to come up with a “top ten coolest things about being in the hospital” list for you. but not tonight…i’m too tired.

no, tonight is about this ride. ya know, the roller coaster one. did i mention i didn’t sign up for it? did i mention that i didn’t like roller coasters? ok, just checking. i know God is reading my thoughts, and He doesn’t technically need reminding…but it think He is ok with me typing it again.

i have seen so many doctors over these months and months. i have heard piece of advice after piece of advice from well-meaning family and friends who are telling me to “get better” as if it were something i wasn’t trying to do each day. sometimes i wanna say, “nah, no thanks..i’m kinda digging all this attention” ugh, seriously. i am starting to forget what normalcy feels like. that ain’t good.

honestly, i try to keep my balance on this ride. i balance on HIS grace, hovering between thinking about it not at all, and trying to lie still, not feel the pain and just hanging out, reading books about His strength, His peace…watching tv….chillin’ with my amazing kiddos and hubby…..acting like it will all be ok when i stand up…of course i know better. it won’t be. unless He heals me, which so far, He hasn’t chosen to do. and i have to be ok with that. i hover between that and just the opposite, thinking about it all the time….researching…talking with anyone who has been through something similar…reading blogs, articles online, etc….to try and find symptoms like mine, make comparisons, rule out the really bad stuff. that is dangerous though, because when you hover that way, the enemy likes to try and push you over, every so slightly, knowing that, at least for me, that leads to worry and fear…and once he has me there, he has me further from my Strength, my Peace, my Rock. (see John 16:33 and Psalm 92:15)

so…i hover….somewhere in the middle. i’m sitting in the middle seat of the middle car of this ride i am on. this roller coaster ride that i did not sign up for. and did i mention that i do not like roller coasters? (ok, Lord, sorry, last time! 🙂 i hover here because this is where trust lives. this is where i rest in the fact that God has this all figured out, but at the same time, i am responsible to myself and to my family to take care of myself as best i can, and that means seeking medical help when i need it. but, not out of fear or obsessive worry. (which is so easy to get that way when you are in pain month after month with no clear answers….really think that through, how would you handle the ride?)

i think what i like least about them is the lack of control. uh, oh…confession time. it is true though. the way you feel when the ride whips your head this way and the way your stomach drops out when the whole ride plummets 75 feet toward the ground. (um, i’m sorry, and people pay their hard-earned money for this!?!? baffling to me, really.) i do not like all the change, and i especially do not like the unexpectedness of it. but most of all, i hate feeling out of control. is it just me? can anyone relate to where i’m at here? although we would like to think we have control of our lives, we absolutely do not. sooo many of us need to feel like we do. i was one of them. if there is one huge thing i’m learning (and for the record, there’s not…there are about 214 huge things i’m learning…and i’m so thankful for that!)…it is that He really has control, and i am simply to trust in His goodness and His plan. Proverbs 16:9 says “in his heart a man plans his course, but the Lord determines his steps.” i do not like being whipped all around on this ride, but i know that i know that i know…that He will not allow me on here for one more second than need be to fulfill His plan. do i have to be smiling and singing praise music the whole ride? no. but can i? would it be a better ride if i were? absolutely. so, i try. sometimes it works, other times it doesn’t. my closest friends and family can surely vouch for that.

my plan was to come to this park, ride the easiest ride here, win a huge stuffed animal and maybe get my charicature done (but just the black and white one though…the color ones are a rip off!)…but obviously that was not His plan for me here. and i would rather spend every day with Him in His plan that one day without Him fulfilling my plan. but once again…i’m not sugar-coating here….this….is….H A R D.

so, for now…i will just sit still, fold down my safety bar and pray for just that…safety. today i happen to be riding this roller coaster with a hospital gown on, so i guess i’ll also pray for no large gusts of wind…cause that would be down right embarrassing. 🙂

Lord, i love you. i trust you. sometime, as you know, i let my emotions get the best of me. thank you for holding on to me extra tight during those times. thank you for understanding me in such an intimate way that you know my feelings and thoughts and actions and REactions better than i do. this is scary for me and for my family, Lord. but we love you and we trust you. i thank you for how you have held me so far. thank you for the countless ways you have shown yourself big already. i commit this all to you. i want this to be used for you. but, i’m being honest here Lord, if it is your will, i also want to live and long and healthy life with the amazing family and friends you have blessed me with. let me shout from the rooftops how you have gotten me through. let me tell them all how you rescued me from the depths and healed me. i love you. thank you for getting me through this day. thank you for protecting the hearts of my precious babies. watch over us all and keep us safe, as i know you do. amen.

Psalm 56:3 “when i am afraid, i will trust in You.”

Psalm 138:8 “the Lord will perfect that which concerns me.”

Jer 17:14 “Heal me, O Lord, and I will be healed; save me and I will be saved, for you are the one I praise.”

perspective

perspective is an amazing thing, isn’t it? the way you look at something…the way you see it, can be completely different based on your upbringing, your current circumstances, even your attitude or personality.

take chores, for instance. most people hate them. (except my husband, who, when stressed- cleans. i know…freakish, isn’t it? but, i do benefit, so i dare not complain. and besides, he is married to me, who isn’t a fan of cleaning, so maybe God knew what He was doing there…ya think?) but, really…not too many people actually enjoy doing chores around the house. i know i sure didn’t. as a teen, of course, like, DUH! 🙂 but, even as a mom and housewife, i could easily find a way to avoid them. oh…what do ya know..they need help getting stuff ready for Bible study up at church…”ooh me, I’ll go help!” (ryan comes home from work) oh, sorry honey, it was for Jesus. 🙂

but now, at this current time in my life, i would LOVE to be able to do chores around my own house. (most of you who know me are now trying to pick up your jaws off the floor) but i mean it. being that i have spent the better part of the last ten months on my couch, unable to function that well…even the thought of doing chores sounds appealing to me right now.

in fact…if you are able to do any of the following things right now, i would count yourself blessed:

walk around the grocery store without any of your appendages going numb

take a shower and spend as much time as you want without having to worry about passing out

drive a car anywhere you want, ya know, because you are a grown up and you can

answer the call for a friend in need and run over to help out

play outside with your kids

stand up long enough to cook a full meal
(ok, ok….know how to cook a full meal as well 🙂

lie down in bed without wondering why that sharp pain is back again

say that you haven’t stayed the night in a hospital in the past month, or year, for that matter

not have to receive more mail from your insurance company than from all solicitors combined
(never thought i’d miss junk mail)

not have to give yet another excuse to your kiddos as to why we can’t go here or can’t do that…it is ALWAYS because “mommy doesn’t feel well” or “mommy can’t handle it”

go to bed without multiple ice packs strapped to various parts of your body

not have to take pill after pill after pill after pill every day

not lose touch with friends who have, i guess, decided that you are just too much drama right now (can’t hardly blame them!!) although really, i was a lot of drama before, wasn’t it? 🙂 i was just well drama then, now i’m just sick drama. 🙂

not see the exhausted look on your spouse’s face from carrying every burden that comes along with this…physical, emotional, financial, spiritual…and knowing there’s NOTHING you can do to make it go away

not wake up every day and battle the worry and fear that comes with the unknown…daily giving it to God, knowing that if you don’t… you will obsess over it because all you can do it lie around and be in pain anyway

for that matter…if you DO NOT know what it is like to lie around in pain day after day after day, month after month…then i would like for you to thank God tonight. truly. because it isn’t fun.

but LET ME BE CLEAR…and i KNOW the enemy is listening, so i am going to say it out loud as i type….I PRAISE YOU GOD NO MATTER WHAT!!!!!

am i happy tonight? no.

am i “feeling” joyful tonight? no

would i like to be miraculously healed right now? absolutely yes.

but if i am not, i will wake up tomorrow, in pain and weakness that few can understand, and i will praise Him again. and again. and again.

but the truth is, i think, we could all use a little dose of perspective sometimes. i know i got it recently when a friend shared with me her health struggle she dealt with for TWELVE YEARS. um, hello. i felt like i should put my big girl panties on and shut my little mouth right up.

also got a dose when i had it all planned out exactly how i wanted the week before jacob’s first day of kindergarten to go. and then the weekend before kindergarten. and then the first day of kindergarten. oooh, i had it all planned. mommy and daddy time. just us. special. i was kinda being selfish about it really. and a bit obsessive. i knew what i wanted to wear, jacob too. what we were going to do special after school, etc. but then once i was hospitalized, my perspective changed. all i wanted was to be able to just be there. i didn’t care what i wore. i didn’t care who else was there. i just couldn’t miss it. i just wanted to be a part of it. any part of it. my perspective changed lying in that hospital bed….again. it always does.

so, tonight, this post was really for me. i was crying in the dark, in pain and exhausted….again…..completely bummed that i had stepped backward so far in how decent i’d been feeling….again. and so, i have found that when i talk to God and write, i feel better. here are some verses to lift us both up. whether you needed this perspective or not. i did….again.

and by the way. life is good. Jesus loves me. He died for me. my children are safe and healthy, i couldn’t be more THANKFUL for that!! my man loves me and has stood by my side like a saint. (plus, he is hot, which is just a bonus!) he just came in and prayed for me. he is the best. my benjamin just came in and sat next to me and said “mom, hey – we’re friends!” i love it! i have amazing family and amazing friends who have gone ABOVE and BEYOND to help us out and serve us humbly throughout this all.

i am not dying of cancer. i praise you God.

i am not as bad as i was months ago. i praise you God.

i have had good days. i praise you God.

i will have good days again! i praise you God!!!

1 cor. 12:9-10 “But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.”

Psalm 105:1 “Give thanks to the Lord, call on his name; make known among the nations what he has done.”

1 peter 4:16 “However, if you suffer as a Christian, do not be ashamed, but praise God that you bear that name.” (by the way…oh, have i not even remotely suffered as a Christian…but this is a great verse!!)