caroline holzberger

on a roller coaster with an open gown

i never really have been much of a roller coaster person. people think that because i am outgoing and bubbly that i am also daring and adventurous, but trust me, i am a wimp. even growing up, in the supposed “rowdy” teen years, i was pretty boring, pretty tame. pretty fearful i guess you could say. we lived fairly near six flags and so it wasn’t uncommon to go there multiple times a year with my friends. but, i was VERY much more interested in looking for cute boys than for actually riding the rides. for those of you who are locals as well, you will completely understand when i say that i was literally like 14 years old before i rode anything faster than the judge roy scream. (big, fat weenie ride designed with 9 years olds in mind….ok, maybe 6 year olds, i;m being nice to myself) i would rotate through that, the log ride and the mine train. yep, a dare-devil, i was not.

well, today, let me say, that i have been strapped to a roller coaster, that i honestly don’t remember signing up to ride on. i feel like i did the time i wasn’t paying attention and accidentally got in line with my friends and got busy chatting and flirting in line with boys around us (yes, i was a bit boy crazy, but that is a topic for a whole other blog post!) and wasn’t paying attention to what ride we were actually waiting for. ya know, once you are deep in the middle of the zig and the zag of those ridiculous lines, you kinda lose track of where you are…especially when you are more concerned on trying to figure out of that boy looks more like joey or jordan from nkotb. (girls of the 1990’s, you know exactly what i’m talking about) anyway, i got up to the front and realized that we were, in fact, in line for the shock wave. um, hello the SHOCK WAVE!?!?! my heart starts racing out of control….is that the one that goes at like MOCH SPEED in loops or something and then, oh ya, just after you have lost your healthy lunch of cotton candy and some form of meat fried on a stick…then you recover nicely with whiplash and get to do it all over again backwards!?!? um, can you say…no thank you. no way. no how. not gonna happen. i didn’t care (for once in the height of my social years) what “coolness” this was costing me…i was getting out of that line and i was getting out QUICK!!! i did not care if joey and jordan were actually riding the ride with us, i…was…out.

today, as i type this blog entry, i do so for the very first time from an actual hospital bed. and trust me, i did NOT sign up for this roller coaster ride either. yesterday and today have carried me through ups and downs emotionally, physically, spiritually…all of it. i have been whipped around, and up and down, loop-de-looped more than i’d like to admit…and while i am thankful to not literally have lost my lunch, i have felt as though i just might about every other hour or so. this ride has actually been a lot longer than just these last few days, though. if you have read any of my blogs, you know that. and if you know me at all, then you know that i have been whipping around on this baby for months and months, actually years now. i got on the ride when it was titled Meningitis Mania back in the fall of 2007 and who knew i’d still be holding on for dear life almost three years later when the ride has changed to Adrenal Fre-fall? well, God knew. thank Him for that!

we still don’t have answers. i take that back. we have some answers. some of the medical “stuff” they come in and say has been good. in fact, THANK YOU JESUS, a lot of it has been. i have heard a few things about normal kidney and liver function (praise you, Father) and that they looked for markers for lupus and other autoimmune diseases that have came back negative. (again i give glory to you, God) although, in my COMPLETELY non-medical mind, i almost said something brilliant like “hmm…markers, eh? i was kinda hoping we’d be going a little more in depth that crayola at this point, eh guys?” just once i wish i knew enough about the human body to be able to contribute, to feel like i understand. thankfully, i TRUST and serve the One who thought up the idea of DNA, so i am good with that.

but, i’m not sugar-coating this for anyone…that isn’t me. there have been soooo many times today alone when i have cried out in frustration. why? is it because i don’t trust God? no. is it because i am weak in my faith? i don’t think so. is it because i am scared? well, sure….this stuff is scary stuff. you spend the better part of a year lying around in pain every day with new and confusing symptoms coming about every so often and tell me that wouldn’t concern you a bit. i’d think you’d be lying. or at least a whole lot better at faking than me. and i’ve gotten pretty good at that. i’ve gotten good at putting on a happy face, my whole life…i love making people happy. actually, i love being happy. so…that is why sometime soon i am going to come up with a “top ten coolest things about being in the hospital” list for you. but not tonight…i’m too tired.

no, tonight is about this ride. ya know, the roller coaster one. did i mention i didn’t sign up for it? did i mention that i didn’t like roller coasters? ok, just checking. i know God is reading my thoughts, and He doesn’t technically need reminding…but it think He is ok with me typing it again.

i have seen so many doctors over these months and months. i have heard piece of advice after piece of advice from well-meaning family and friends who are telling me to “get better” as if it were something i wasn’t trying to do each day. sometimes i wanna say, “nah, no thanks..i’m kinda digging all this attention” ugh, seriously. i am starting to forget what normalcy feels like. that ain’t good.

honestly, i try to keep my balance on this ride. i balance on HIS grace, hovering between thinking about it not at all, and trying to lie still, not feel the pain and just hanging out, reading books about His strength, His peace…watching tv….chillin’ with my amazing kiddos and hubby…..acting like it will all be ok when i stand up…of course i know better. it won’t be. unless He heals me, which so far, He hasn’t chosen to do. and i have to be ok with that. i hover between that and just the opposite, thinking about it all the time….researching…talking with anyone who has been through something similar…reading blogs, articles online, etc….to try and find symptoms like mine, make comparisons, rule out the really bad stuff. that is dangerous though, because when you hover that way, the enemy likes to try and push you over, every so slightly, knowing that, at least for me, that leads to worry and fear…and once he has me there, he has me further from my Strength, my Peace, my Rock. (see John 16:33 and Psalm 92:15)

so…i hover….somewhere in the middle. i’m sitting in the middle seat of the middle car of this ride i am on. this roller coaster ride that i did not sign up for. and did i mention that i do not like roller coasters? (ok, Lord, sorry, last time! 🙂 i hover here because this is where trust lives. this is where i rest in the fact that God has this all figured out, but at the same time, i am responsible to myself and to my family to take care of myself as best i can, and that means seeking medical help when i need it. but, not out of fear or obsessive worry. (which is so easy to get that way when you are in pain month after month with no clear answers….really think that through, how would you handle the ride?)

i think what i like least about them is the lack of control. uh, oh…confession time. it is true though. the way you feel when the ride whips your head this way and the way your stomach drops out when the whole ride plummets 75 feet toward the ground. (um, i’m sorry, and people pay their hard-earned money for this!?!? baffling to me, really.) i do not like all the change, and i especially do not like the unexpectedness of it. but most of all, i hate feeling out of control. is it just me? can anyone relate to where i’m at here? although we would like to think we have control of our lives, we absolutely do not. sooo many of us need to feel like we do. i was one of them. if there is one huge thing i’m learning (and for the record, there’s not…there are about 214 huge things i’m learning…and i’m so thankful for that!)…it is that He really has control, and i am simply to trust in His goodness and His plan. Proverbs 16:9 says “in his heart a man plans his course, but the Lord determines his steps.” i do not like being whipped all around on this ride, but i know that i know that i know…that He will not allow me on here for one more second than need be to fulfill His plan. do i have to be smiling and singing praise music the whole ride? no. but can i? would it be a better ride if i were? absolutely. so, i try. sometimes it works, other times it doesn’t. my closest friends and family can surely vouch for that.

my plan was to come to this park, ride the easiest ride here, win a huge stuffed animal and maybe get my charicature done (but just the black and white one though…the color ones are a rip off!)…but obviously that was not His plan for me here. and i would rather spend every day with Him in His plan that one day without Him fulfilling my plan. but once again…i’m not sugar-coating here….this….is….H A R D.

so, for now…i will just sit still, fold down my safety bar and pray for just that…safety. today i happen to be riding this roller coaster with a hospital gown on, so i guess i’ll also pray for no large gusts of wind…cause that would be down right embarrassing. 🙂

Lord, i love you. i trust you. sometime, as you know, i let my emotions get the best of me. thank you for holding on to me extra tight during those times. thank you for understanding me in such an intimate way that you know my feelings and thoughts and actions and REactions better than i do. this is scary for me and for my family, Lord. but we love you and we trust you. i thank you for how you have held me so far. thank you for the countless ways you have shown yourself big already. i commit this all to you. i want this to be used for you. but, i’m being honest here Lord, if it is your will, i also want to live and long and healthy life with the amazing family and friends you have blessed me with. let me shout from the rooftops how you have gotten me through. let me tell them all how you rescued me from the depths and healed me. i love you. thank you for getting me through this day. thank you for protecting the hearts of my precious babies. watch over us all and keep us safe, as i know you do. amen.

Psalm 56:3 “when i am afraid, i will trust in You.”

Psalm 138:8 “the Lord will perfect that which concerns me.”

Jer 17:14 “Heal me, O Lord, and I will be healed; save me and I will be saved, for you are the one I praise.”

perspective

perspective is an amazing thing, isn’t it? the way you look at something…the way you see it, can be completely different based on your upbringing, your current circumstances, even your attitude or personality.

take chores, for instance. most people hate them. (except my husband, who, when stressed- cleans. i know…freakish, isn’t it? but, i do benefit, so i dare not complain. and besides, he is married to me, who isn’t a fan of cleaning, so maybe God knew what He was doing there…ya think?) but, really…not too many people actually enjoy doing chores around the house. i know i sure didn’t. as a teen, of course, like, DUH! 🙂 but, even as a mom and housewife, i could easily find a way to avoid them. oh…what do ya know..they need help getting stuff ready for Bible study up at church…”ooh me, I’ll go help!” (ryan comes home from work) oh, sorry honey, it was for Jesus. 🙂

but now, at this current time in my life, i would LOVE to be able to do chores around my own house. (most of you who know me are now trying to pick up your jaws off the floor) but i mean it. being that i have spent the better part of the last ten months on my couch, unable to function that well…even the thought of doing chores sounds appealing to me right now.

in fact…if you are able to do any of the following things right now, i would count yourself blessed:

walk around the grocery store without any of your appendages going numb

take a shower and spend as much time as you want without having to worry about passing out

drive a car anywhere you want, ya know, because you are a grown up and you can

answer the call for a friend in need and run over to help out

play outside with your kids

stand up long enough to cook a full meal
(ok, ok….know how to cook a full meal as well 🙂

lie down in bed without wondering why that sharp pain is back again

say that you haven’t stayed the night in a hospital in the past month, or year, for that matter

not have to receive more mail from your insurance company than from all solicitors combined
(never thought i’d miss junk mail)

not have to give yet another excuse to your kiddos as to why we can’t go here or can’t do that…it is ALWAYS because “mommy doesn’t feel well” or “mommy can’t handle it”

go to bed without multiple ice packs strapped to various parts of your body

not have to take pill after pill after pill after pill every day

not lose touch with friends who have, i guess, decided that you are just too much drama right now (can’t hardly blame them!!) although really, i was a lot of drama before, wasn’t it? 🙂 i was just well drama then, now i’m just sick drama. 🙂

not see the exhausted look on your spouse’s face from carrying every burden that comes along with this…physical, emotional, financial, spiritual…and knowing there’s NOTHING you can do to make it go away

not wake up every day and battle the worry and fear that comes with the unknown…daily giving it to God, knowing that if you don’t… you will obsess over it because all you can do it lie around and be in pain anyway

for that matter…if you DO NOT know what it is like to lie around in pain day after day after day, month after month…then i would like for you to thank God tonight. truly. because it isn’t fun.

but LET ME BE CLEAR…and i KNOW the enemy is listening, so i am going to say it out loud as i type….I PRAISE YOU GOD NO MATTER WHAT!!!!!

am i happy tonight? no.

am i “feeling” joyful tonight? no

would i like to be miraculously healed right now? absolutely yes.

but if i am not, i will wake up tomorrow, in pain and weakness that few can understand, and i will praise Him again. and again. and again.

but the truth is, i think, we could all use a little dose of perspective sometimes. i know i got it recently when a friend shared with me her health struggle she dealt with for TWELVE YEARS. um, hello. i felt like i should put my big girl panties on and shut my little mouth right up.

also got a dose when i had it all planned out exactly how i wanted the week before jacob’s first day of kindergarten to go. and then the weekend before kindergarten. and then the first day of kindergarten. oooh, i had it all planned. mommy and daddy time. just us. special. i was kinda being selfish about it really. and a bit obsessive. i knew what i wanted to wear, jacob too. what we were going to do special after school, etc. but then once i was hospitalized, my perspective changed. all i wanted was to be able to just be there. i didn’t care what i wore. i didn’t care who else was there. i just couldn’t miss it. i just wanted to be a part of it. any part of it. my perspective changed lying in that hospital bed….again. it always does.

so, tonight, this post was really for me. i was crying in the dark, in pain and exhausted….again…..completely bummed that i had stepped backward so far in how decent i’d been feeling….again. and so, i have found that when i talk to God and write, i feel better. here are some verses to lift us both up. whether you needed this perspective or not. i did….again.

and by the way. life is good. Jesus loves me. He died for me. my children are safe and healthy, i couldn’t be more THANKFUL for that!! my man loves me and has stood by my side like a saint. (plus, he is hot, which is just a bonus!) he just came in and prayed for me. he is the best. my benjamin just came in and sat next to me and said “mom, hey – we’re friends!” i love it! i have amazing family and amazing friends who have gone ABOVE and BEYOND to help us out and serve us humbly throughout this all.

i am not dying of cancer. i praise you God.

i am not as bad as i was months ago. i praise you God.

i have had good days. i praise you God.

i will have good days again! i praise you God!!!

1 cor. 12:9-10 “But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.”

Psalm 105:1 “Give thanks to the Lord, call on his name; make known among the nations what he has done.”

1 peter 4:16 “However, if you suffer as a Christian, do not be ashamed, but praise God that you bear that name.” (by the way…oh, have i not even remotely suffered as a Christian…but this is a great verse!!)

that "thing"

ok, so do you have “that thing”??….you know what i mean, don’t you? well, i guess i should be a bit more specific then.

i have lots of them actually. those “things” that make me, how shall i say….unique? ok, i’ll say it, i’m weird. 😉 i have a ton of little quirks about me that make me….well, me. my sweet hubby often will lovingly point them out too….like when we are eating and i go to take a drink from a straw….apparently, i tend to drink from the straw at the side corner of my mouth, so he will then immediately grab his drink at waaaaaay overly dramatize bringing his straw to the side of his mouth, over-distoring his mouth to drink it from the furthest point of the corner of his mouth. ha. ha. ha. he is such a funny, funny man. by the way, he looks way funnier imitating me than i look actually being me, in my humble opinion, anyway.

while i’m at it, i might as well admit that i don’t like my food to touch on my plate. no oozing onto each other. no peas rolling over into the clearly outlined carrot area. no gravy flooding the broccoli. (oooh, that makes me shudder just thinking about it.) God bless the person who invented divided plates. i also eat my food in it’s entirety in order from least favorite on the plate, saving the best for last! so, for example, i will eat all of the veggies (which is honestly only on my plate because my kids are watching and i am married to ryan….hey, just keeping it real, here), then all of the meat, and then, i save the yummy, wonderful, buttery, God-ordained mashed potatoes for blissful last. yum.

i also have huge texture issues with food. (my dear friends are all laughing right now and saying an emphatic, amen!) i’m not into creamy, creamy, yummy…oh wait, look a random chunk of something, how lovely…nope, not me. fruit mixed in yogurt: no. jello molds of any kind: no. casseroles with lots of unidentifiable ingredients with varied levels of crunchiness: super no. cottage cheese: absolutely, positively no. (c’mon people, that’s just spoiled milk re-named, who are we kidding, here?)

i have other “things” that aren’t related to food though…

i am sort of like a “dude” when i watch tv and stare at it with such intense focus that i tend not to hear the loving (and persistent) calling of my name by my dear spouse. mindless tv show, college football game (go tech!), preschool commercial about teaching your baby to read that i’ve seen 3,214 times…doesn’t matter what it is. i’m zoned in. (my bad, baby, i love you!)

i talk a lot. i tell a lot of stories and actually have to make a conscious effort to be a good listener. often when people are talking, i’m fighting with my thoughts of “c’mon, i’m ready to say something funny, now!” horrible, aren’t i???

i am AWFUL with remembering people’s names. like really, really bad. often i have just met someone, smiled, our hands have barely let go of each other from the friendly and cordial greeting of a handshake, and POOF! my mind is like “oh, dangit, what was their name again…shoot, shoot shoot!” uh, i hate that one about me, because i LOVE people!! i love meeting them, being around them, talking with them, sharing life with them…..if only i knew their names.

i am a hard core believer that the toilet paper must roll over the roll, not under. that is like a rule people. but ironically, i don’t really care much at all about how often the bathroom actually gets cleaned. hmm, interesting.

when i cook, i tend to use waaay more stuff than needed. if you walk into the kitchen and look around, you might be impressed….wow, pans scattered, pots-a-bubblin’ a sink FULL of dishes, a strainer or two maybe, chopping block out with assorted knives, cabinets open all over(an inherited trait, i blame fully on my mom)….various spices open….multiple measuring devices in all varying sizes scattered around the (very) limited counter space…..”ooooohhh”, you might exclaim, “what’s for dinner?” to which you will receive a joyful reply, “grilled cheese!” 🙂

all of these quirks are little things about me that make me….me. my sweet (and as you can tell after reading this…patient and loving, and clearly not that bright, cause he didn’t know what he was getting into when he chose me forever!) hubby, ryan knows every single one, i am sure of it. why? because he has known me and loved me for a long time. he lives with me day in and day out and knows me better than pretty much anyone on this earth.

God knows me that way and then some. He made me. He actually chose to take time out of His day (which He invented, too, by the way) and carefully thought up how He wanted me to be. (psalm 139). and while the Bible doesn’t actually say in verse 24 “and she shall not let thy food toucheth in any form, nor shall her toilet paper roll, rolleth ussunder”…it does say that He made me unique.

of course, the real “thing” that got me thinking about writing this post is a lot uglier and not as fun to talk about as all of these quirks. this “thing” is something that i don’t talk as openly about at parties (or at least i haven’t in the past, but i think i might be called to do so, now…maybe not actually at parties, per say..but you get my drift….i had to clarify that as a die hard sanguine, because i had flashes of my party-invites suddenly disappearing for fear of people thinking i’d walk in and start talking about this stuff!! oooh i have issues don’t i?!?) and this “thing” also isn’t as easy to laugh off as my lack of cleaning skills. (clarification: the cleaning skills are there, the desire…not so much)

i think if each of us are totally honest, we could say there is at least one “thing” God is truly working on in us right now. if you are like me, you could be totally honest and admit that you are having God put in some serious over-time hours with you and your drama currently. sigh.

maybe your thing is pride. you are “too big for your britches” as we say where i come from….and you don’t really need God much. you are happy to have Him bless you, but you are just fine running your life all on your own. you have a great plan, thank you very much. chances are, if this is you, you aren’t reading much through the rest of these anyway, because you are sure they won’t apply to you, after all.

maybe your thing is jealousy. life just doesn’t seem fair that every single person around is being blessed with good health, financial burdens released, obedient children, job promotions, skinny waistlines, and just overall joyful answers to every stinkin’ prayer request they have…while, you on the other hand are broke, sick and yelling at your kids while you search through the job seeker websites in your elastic waist jeans…and your heart grows meaner and greener with every jealous thought.

maybe your thing is materialism. your family makes a great income and you have a lot of pretty things around you. hey, don’t judge me…we tithe a faithful 10% every month. not a penny less…. and of course, not a penny more. you have designer jeans with a bejeweled cross on your hiney, and a custom purse to match. your skin is tan, your hair is colored, your nails are pristine (hands and toes of course, with the extra little $7 bling on your big toe) and your house looks like display of any trendy showroom, except with the perfect amount of crosses and Scripture placed strategically about. let me be clear…none of this is wrong in and of itself, a lot of it fits me. only you know your heart about it all. well, only you…and God.

maybe your thing is worry. you can’t seem to get a full grip on trusting God. you can’t possibly believe that He has good planned for you (rom 8:28) or that He is not allowing you to float around this life haphazardly, but instead each day is working toward His plan for your life. (jer. 29:11) when things go wrong, you tend to think that you “deserved” it…or if things are going right, you are waiting for it all to come crumbling down any minute. trust is too hard, if not in all areas of your life, then at least in one area. you can trust God with your eternal salvation, but not with the safety of your kids. or you can trust Him with your safety, but not with your family’s finances. either way, worry creeps up on you and it always , and i do mean always, brings with it, its partner in crime; fear.

if you are like me, maybe you deal with, or have dealt with, all of these “things”. maybe you deal with none of them. maybe yours is selfishness, or lust. maybe it is an addiction of somesort; to alcohol, to food, to shopping, to pleasing people.

if you really take a minute to sit before Jesus and ask Him, i believe He will reveal to you something (or, like me, lots of somethings) that you need to work on. better yet, that you need to allow Him to work on in you. things that He has no desire for you to have to deal with. things that are not at all a part of the abundant life He has in store for you. (john 10:10)

for me, the main thing God is working on in me right now is worry and fear. ugh. He is bringing on a full on frontal attack on this “thing” too, and i truly thank Him for it. i have dealt with this my entire life. my mom says that i used to wake up and be terrified that something awful would happen to her and she’d leave me. when ryan and i were dating, i would worry that he would find someone prettier and leave me. it was always in the back of my mind; always. did he ever give me reasons to think that? absolutely not. that was all me. this “thing” has manifested itself in too many ways to mention over these past years, especially in parenting. don’t even get me started about worrying about my kids. (SIDS, carseat safety, choking hazzards, bathtubs….that list is waaaay too long)

and currently i have an ample opportunity to worry about my health. being that i have been on my couch, trusting Him through this medical trial for ten months now. unexplained diagnosis….unanswered questions….day after day of pain. He is allowing me to cling onto Him each and every minute of each and every hour of each and every day….something that i am cherishing. don’t get me wrong i ain’t cherishing the pain and i miss my ability to have my “normal” life. but, the intimacy of His presence i have experienced in a way i’ve never known, is something i have cherished He is growing me for sure in a way He couldn’t have without all of this.

is it tough? yes. is it painful? yes. are there soooo many times that i go to my closest friends and tell them that i am D O N E dealing with this thing? um, yes. did i do that just yesterday? um, you betcha! are there countless more times where i go to my God and cry out to Him about it all? absolutely. of course, they know that i mean that i’m D O N E with my medical drama…but they also know that i mean this other “thing” too. i am doing all i can to simply wake up every day, receive His strength, His peace, His power, His grace, His love. i do not want to resist His refining fire. i want to rest in his will. i try to rely on the truth of His Word and not on how i “feel” that day. but is it tough? yes. is it painful? yes. is HE good? yes. is HE faithful? yes. i stick by that.

this week i have felt worse that i have in months. medical mix-up with my medication that has had AWFUL side-effects on my body. a mix-up that has come at the worst time for me, a time when i already had two sick kids and was at sheer exhaustion…something that my body simply cannot handle. but instead of freaking out too much and worrying about something worse being wrong, about me dying…..i am thankful that i was able to get through it so far, with His strength, my amazing family, my prayer warriors. i am still not over it, i still can’t get up off the couch really. but He is getting me through, and i am thankful that i am handling it better than i would have before. to Him be the glory.

so, if you have read this and know your “thing”. if you are, like me, and are D O N E with dealing with this. if you know God is working on you about it, welcome aboard. the Bible says that God chooses the lowly, weak, foolish things of this world to shame the proud, strong, and wise. (1 cor. 1:27-31) why does He do this? so that no one can boast except IN HIM!! let me tell you….this “thing” can only be dealt with by Him. i’ve tried on my own, and look at the bang-up job i’ve done these last 31 years! (sarcastic, just in case you couldn’t tell) so…i give. i fold my hand. i bow down fully to the One who actually can deal with this and i’m letting Him deal with it. i will not feel condemned that i have been wasting time with this for a long time. and honestly, i don’t know how long this will take from here on out. but i want Him to do His complete work in it. and i know He does too! and i look forward to the freedom of boasting in HIM about the victory i will have. i can do nothing without Him…this i know!

and while i’m quite sure God isn’t as concerned with my cooking catastrophes or my bathroom cleanliness….i know He is concerned with how i show love to my man…and since he is an “acts of service” kind of guy….those are “things” i will be working on too.

but i stand firmly by the cottage cheese statement. and i personally think God agrees. 🙂

James 4:6 “God opposes the proud and gives grace to the humble.”

Psalm 62:8 “trust in Him at ALL times, o people, pour out your hearts to him, for God is our refuge.”

my blessed, blasted wilderness

ok, so obviously by the title of this post, i am a bit torn about my current situation. i know God is good. i know He is doing a great thing in my life right now. i truly believe with ALL of my heart that He is working on some big things in my heart…things He has been trying to work on for a while, but has been faced with what the Bible likes to call “a stiff-necked people” aka. = me. so, i did name the thing blessed before blasted. but still, i am a bit torn. but, i promise, i am getting there.

although, i am being honest here, i had a bit of a meltdown last night. i guess it is ok if i have one every once in a while…as long as the “once in a while” doesn’t become every day, i think it is ok. (in all fairness, i had one two weeks ago, too) i am not at all doubtful that God can handle it. He made me. He knows my drama before i spew it out of my mouth. if only ryan could have a bit more warning, poor thing.

this medical drama. my blessed, blasted wilderness….it has been ten months. roughly 300 days. give or take a few. three hundred days…man, when you say it like that, it does sound kinda like a long time. i feel decent sometimes. not most of the time, but sometimes. i really have started to make strides in the right direction though.
to give you a bit of perspective…i can now wake up, get my three small kids fed and clean up from that (cheerios off floor, dishes done, faces wiped, not crying over spilt milk) get everyone dressed and diapers changed, and then i pretty much need to rest a bit. after about a 30 minute rest, i generally can then tackle maybe doing a load of laundry, or playing a board game inside (i CANNOT be outside at all in this heat) with the kids, doing another chore or something…oh, i don’t know, maybe just playing the normal referee/mom role that is my life of three small kids. then, i gear up for getting lunch ready…which i can do, and then supervise feeding them, then i get to eat, then clean up (pears off floor, hopefully without being stepped on barefoot-yuck! dishes done, faces wiped, not crying over spilt chocolate milk) and by this time, i am pretty wiped out. this time i need a longer recoop time because now it is later in the day. fortunately we are getting close to nap time for abigail and benjamin (in theory, for benben) so i can use that time for me too. yes, i am faced with trying to spend quality time with just jacob during that time too to fight off the mom guilt and because i also just love it, but i just do this best i can. after naps….(and my afternoon dose of meds which, i guess sorta helps, a little) i can play some with them and get snacks ready…but it is really all about countdown til daddy gets home at that point….

now, this is my BEST case scenario, best day. did you notice anything? there is no way i can run an errand with the kids. i still have no strength or energy to walk around stores…for those of you who have seen me out and about, i had to rest up for that, and generally i absolutely pay the price afterwards. i can’t go outside and play active-like. in fact, i can’t play inside active-like. i can’t take them anywhere fun. i can’t tackle the 435 things around the house that really NEED to get done! treading water takes on a whole new meaning for me. but it is what it is.

so…this is where i am now. and believe it or not, i am thankful. it might not sound like it as i type, and that is just because i am exhausted today, from waaaaay overdoing it yesterday. but God and i have already talked about that and He knows i am thankful. four months ago, i couldn’t get off the couch at all really. a few months before that, i couldn’t sit upright at all and had an ice pack strapped to my head all day long. God is good. i know this for sure. He has proven that to me time and time again…and He doesn’t even have to, but He has.

and trust me, i DO NOT want to be like the Israelites. i mean, i am…but i sure don’t want to be. what do i mean?? God proved Himself to them too…time and time and time and time again. (exodus 14) they had just seen God perform many miracles and preserve them…they had followed Moses and were standing at the foot of the red sea…waves rushing in front of them but the looming sound of the fierce philistine army thundering behind them…and what did they do? stand tall in faith? band together in prayer and praise to their great and faithful God? nope. they cried out in fear to Moses and basically said “dude, why did you drag us all the way out here in the desert to be killed by the egyptians? if you would have just left well enough alone, at least we could have stayed there, kept our jobs, our 401k’s and stayed alive!” oh, people of such little faith. oh, ME of such little faith. and then Moses told them (v.14) “the Lord will fight for you, you need only to be still”

be still? i’m not sure about you, but i would have preferred to hear, from my great leader, something like…draw your weapons..or…here’s the divine strategy God will use to strike them down…maybe even… it’s time to build another ark, is there anybody here from the line of noah??(hmm..i guess we all are!?!)…or something like that…but, be still? i would have been worried too. but, that brings me back to why i am like the Israelites. i would have cried out in FEAR, and i tend to WORRY. those two things…those are my things. they have been. my whole life. i know without a shadow of doubt that God is working on those in me, in a huge way. it just so happens (by God’s divine permission) that He has now allowed a daily reminder (pain, medical drama, unknown diagnosis, unanswered questions, unknown future) of what it really, really means to trust Him fully. fear and faith cannot inhabit the same heart at the same time. coincidence? not at all. God knows my heart and knows He needs all of it to trust in Him. fully.

i wonder what the Israelites were thinking as they walked upon that dry land. looking up on either side of them at the walls of water. could they see fish swimming by? did they reach out and try and touch the water? did they walk quickly for fear of the walls crashing down? probably. i would have probably been running.

i’m betting that the ground wasn’t even muddy. God is just like that. He does something and he does it completely. He says dry land and He means D R Y land.

i am looking forward to walking on dry land. D R Y land.

oh, and by the way….when they did get to the other side, which He said they would, and they did….they saw HIM defeat their enemy. they saw those walls of water fall, but not on them, but on those who went against HIM. and boy, then they praised!! (Ex. 15:1-2) “i will sing to the Lord, for He is highly exalted…the Lord is my strength and my song, He has become my salvation. He is my God and i will praise Him, my father’s God and i will exalt Him.”

ahhh…sounds great huh? sounds like me a few months ago…oh, i can sit upright…oh, i can walk around a bit… it takes no time at all for the complaining to take place…Goooood (i picture this like my kids when they yell at me…but, moooom) Israelites: we could have pots of meat in egypt, we got nothing here, we are hungry, we’re thirsty…(me: i can’t drive, i get sooo tired, when will this end?) God knew exactly what they needed. He wanted them to come to Him for it. He wanted them to depend on HIM for everything. He wants that for me to. i am truly learning that. it is a daily thing. (actually, it is an hourly, or minute-ly (not a word, but it is now!)) thing Just like their manna. (ex. 16) He wouldn’t let them store it up for days, He, once again knew that it was best for them to depend on HIM daily for it. could He have given them plenty to store up? sure. that isn’t the point. the point is in the discipline and trust. do i trust God that He knows what i need, desires good for me and will provide for me? do i? did they? no and no. but, i praise Him that He is teaching me and my answer is leaning a WHOLE lot more towards yes. and if you know me AT ALL, you know my bent towards fear and worrying is a HUGE bent, really more towards a 90 degree right angle, and so i praise YOU Father, for that is a miracle on the scale up there with parting the red sea!!!!

did you know that those Israelites wandered around in that desert for forty years on a trip that really should have only taken a few weeks? if you look on a map, you’ll see it. can you believe it? FORTY YEARS. that sounds a lot longer than three hundred days, doesn’t it? oh, how i do not want to wander more than i have to. wait, i already have, i know it. but, i want to be done wandering soon. that i know.

God, i know you are good. i know that this time of trial is filled with purpose. i am sorry for the times (and they have been many) that i have grumbled like the Israelites about my situation. i know that i will not be done with this wilderness one scalding, hot desert day before you are ready for me to be. your will be done, not my own. i truly desire to learn whatever it is that you desire to teach me. i confess my sin of fear and worry to you. you know my past and my future, you hold it all in your hands. “Create in me a pure heart, O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me.”(psalm 51:10) my dreams, my plans, my health, my family…i lay it down. i love you and i am so thankful for how far you have brought me so far. keep on going, and don’t give up. i am yours. amen.

james 1:1-2 “consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking in anything.”

my name

so, the last few days have been pretty long. let me say that again….. the last few days have been looooooong.

but i am blessed. because i have been waiting for days like this for months and months. in fact, for the last ten months, i have been requiring SO much help from SO many different people in order to just function in my every day life. this medical drama has been so trying, so tiring, so difficult. God has been more than faithful though, and He has blessed me with so many people who have been more than gracious to help. like is said, i am blessed.

but, i have so very much been looking forward to getting back to my “normal” life as soon as possible. and while i would surely not say that i am there yet…i can honestly say that the last few days have given me a pretty good glimpse. and this glimpse has been about all that my sweet old self can handle at this point. 🙂

i love my kiddos. i mean it. i am pretty darn crazy about them. they make me laugh and brighten my world ALL the time!!! but the three of them are all under the age of six, and therefore require a lot from mommy. mama. mom. ma. moooom…..whatever you want to call me. but, be assured they call me. in fact, someone is A L W A Y S calling me….for something. the last two days have been a little like this…. (actually i don’t have enough time to type up about the last two days, so i will just let you know how things went yesterday from about 8:16am to about 8:21am)
(jacob is almost 6, benjamin is almost 4 and abigail is 16 months)

8:16am
J: mom, can i have some more water?
B: mama, where’s my sippy cup?
J: moooom, why did he get the blue sippy cup this time, it’s my turn to have the blue sippy cup!
B: mom, i wanted ice cold water, this isn’t ice cold
B: mom, i would like a snack too, please…why can’t i have a snack before breakfast?
J: mama, i have to go pee pee
B: mom, me too, oops, i pee peed on the floor and the trash can
B: moooom, come sit on the stool by me while i pee pee
A: (from somewhere in the house) mama, watch! mama, watch!
J: mom, where’s abigail?
B: moooom, abigail put her hands in the potty!!
J: mama, benjamin didn’t wash his hands
B: mom, yes i did, i just did a little bit
A: mama! eat! mama! eat!
J: mom, can i have cheerios please?
B: mama, i want the squares cereal
J: mom, i changed my mind, i want fruit loops….no wait, i want cheerios, but i want honey
B: mama, i want squares still, but can i have honey too?
A: MAMA! EAT! MILK! MAMA! EAT!
J: mom, when can we have pancakes again?
B: mama, ooooh, ya i want pancakes too!
A: mama watch! (as she drops milk onto floor)
(ugh. boys-we are having cereal this morning!)
J: ok mom, so i want cheerios with honey but i don’t want to drink the milk.
J: mom, who’s coming over today to play?
B: mama, where are our vitamins? i want two yellow ones please!
J: mom, i get to pick the color first this time!
B: mama, can we play baseball after we eat?
B: mama, where’s daddy already? can he throw the ball when he gets home?
B: mama, can we watch dora after we eat breakfast?
B: mama, how many more bites do i have to take?
B: mooooom, abigail threw her cheerios on the floor

8:21am – end scene

8:22am – mom hides in closet and changes name to daddy 🙂

just teasing there. daddy does a lot in our house. a whole lot. but right now, daddy has escaped to what i like to call the magical place of “Grownup-land” and there, no one asks you to feed them or wipe any of their body parts, and the inhabitants are rarely sticky. and i would venture to say that he can go more than five minutes without hearing his name called 641 times. sigh.

again, i love my kids…but sometimes (ok, often) the sheer NON-STOP-NESS of it flat wears me out. they are very good kids. they really are. they get along pretty well with each other. they obey pretty well and use good manners….but they are small. for the most part, they aren’t self-sufficient. that is where i come in. that is where mom, mama, mommy, mooooooom or some variation of that gets spurted out every 12 seconds or so by one of them. so far it has been mainly the boys…but now sweet abigail has joined in. her favorite new game is, “mama, watch!” she says it all the time now, right before she does a trick. it is precious. but, again…it has taken the daily tally of name calling up a few hundred notches.

i am thrilled that ryan has his new job, but as he’s getting adjusted, i am treading water. just keeping my head above water amidst the torrential downpour of mama, mommy, and mooooom’s throughout my day. and since he worked from 7:00am-8:30pm yesterday….you can imagine i hit quite a record. so, today, still recuperating from the blow i faced yesterday… i did my best to stay afloat. but i kinda felt like i was trying to balance and float on a little rubber ducky….got the mental image? ya, not ideal.

then God really spoke to me. He said…”you know, if you would come to Me, even half as much as they come to you…this day would not be hard for you.”

ouch.

i began this day and yesterday too, in fact…spending good time with Him. and at night, i am reading a GREAT book right now about relying on HIM through tough times(very applicable for my life lately)…i read Scripture in the mornings every day…but I’m telling you what, that truth hit me like a ton of heavenly bricks.

so true, God. i should absolutely be calling out to you at least that much throughout my day.

Lord, help me be patient with my kids!!
God, thank you for their good health!
Jesus, i am so tired, please strengthen me!
Father God, i cannot do this alone!
Lord, forgive me for losing my temper with them!
God, give me kind words to say right now
Lord, let me use this teachable moment
God, give me more energy to play and not just crash on the couch
Lord, help me put myself last
God, what a blessing these kids are!
Jesus, teach me what you want me to know today!

no end to this scene

of course, now, it is late. i am beyond exhausted. should be sleeping, but i had to write this out in thanks to God. they are all sleeping so sweetly in their beds now. boy they all look so sweet and small and helpless and quiet when they sleep. i absolutely looooooove watching them when they sleep.

forgive me Father for losing my patience today. for getting frustrated. for raising my voice. for expecting them to understand how tired mommy is. for putting too much on their shoulders to bear. YOU alone can handle that burden. even i can’t. take it. tomorrow is a better day. i am so blessed that i get to be home with them, spending this great precious time with them. i wouldn’t trade it for anything. thank you so much for that. i need your strength. i need your peace. i need your patience. i need your wisdom. i need your kind words. i need so much more of you and so very much less of me. every time they call out my name Lord, help me to call out Your Name.

amen.

door opener

so, the other day i drove myself to the doctor’s office. this was a big deal because my neurologist’s office is 14 miles away from my house. i am pretty sure that is the furthest i have driven in MONTHS!! that was quite an accomplishment for me. not only because it meant not having to get ryan to pack up all the kiddos and do it for me, but because of the amazing freedom i got from it too. i had no idea how God would use it, too. (more on that in a minute)

the freedom, (or lack thereof) is something that comes to me in waves. most of the time i don’t even know that i miss it. but, then i get in the car and start to drive, and i realize that i haven’t been alone in weeks. well, not for more than a few minutes. i guess i drive myself to my chiropractor’s appointment pretty much every week now, and so i am alone then, but that is only like 4 miles away, so does that really count? i guess in my world, it does. i don’t ever get to run errands on my own. i am just never alone. i don’t do grown up stuff, like go to work…..pick up the dry cleaning ( i always think of this as being a grown up thing…still something i have never done! 🙂 laziness really, if it can’t all be washed and dried together, i generally don’t buy it. wow–i have veered off big time this time……

and….we’re back.

so…my point is…that, here i am, driving myself to the doctor…..sitting in traffic…looking around at all these people in their cars…all these other self-sufficient adults…wondering what their stories are. do they have any idea this is the furthest i’ve driven in months? do they have any idea how fortunate they are to be healthy? to be able to just drive around all day and live a “normal” life. see? this taste of freedom sometimes comes with a price. it sometimes reminds me of how much i miss having a “normal” life. oh how the enemy tried to sneak in here and tell me things like “you are not going to get better”…”you will never be the same”….”there really is something still wrong with you…you just think this is almost over”…..ugh, he is nothing if not persistent. he also has a way of wanting me to think that i have it so bad and that no one understands and i am all alone in this. this is where getting out among the “real world” can be tough, because i am reminded of all of these other people who do seem to have freedom….freedom that i have missed so much. fortunately, i am listening to klty on the drive there and God has a beautiful way of bringing me close to Him through song, and so my selfishness is diffused during that 14 miles and thankfulness seeps back in to where it belongs. i have so very much to be thankful for. so very much.

so, back to the whole point of this post……

i arrive at the doctor’s office. i am a bit flustered because i am a tad late. just a tad, but enough to almost make me have to miss the appointment. my body doesn’t handle stress well at all right now, so i was able to get to the office, (don’t get me started about finding a parking spot and the loooong walk to the front door) and take a seat in the waiting room.

sit. calm down. relax. deep breaths. ah, sit and read about carrie underwood’s wedding. she loves Jesus, read about that.

i took stock of the waiting room. i was, as i have often been these last few months, about 45 years younger than the rest of the patients waiting for their turn. i can’t tell you how many times i have sat in a waiting room with me, my retired parents who have had to drive me everywhere…and then a number or elderly people waiting their turn and their young relatives waiting to help them. it’s me and the old folks. it’s almost become funny. not really though. almost.

so, after a few minutes of reading about carrie underwood, and her precious pink wedding, an elderly lady was entering the office and i jumped up (as much as i can “jump” up, mind you) to help her with the door. she smiled and nodded at me to thank me and i smiled back and said “you are more than welcome, ma’am”
then, within just a few minutes more, a sweet man came out of the doctor’s office in a hover-round (which, over the last few months, i have learned to maneuver better than you would believe!) and as i saw that he was ready to exit, i hurried (again, perspective here) up to open the door for him. you wouldn’t believe how hard it is to grab a door for yourself that opens inward if you are driving one of those bad boys. anyway….he smiled and thanked me and i, of course said “no problem, sir, have a great day, God bless you!”

after these two back to back door opener jobs, i went back to my seat and as i was headed back, a sweet older woman who was seated waiting her turn said kindly, “well, aren’t you being so helpful today, young lady!” she sounded so very surprised and happy that i had helped these people. mind you, all i had done was open the door a couple times. but still, you could just tell she was impressed. i smiled and without really thinking, i said, “well, thank you ma’am, yes, well, i know how hard it can be to get around, i am happy to help!” we smiled at each other and then i sat back down to read. i looked up at her a few times, seeing if we would make eye contact, because i am always happy to carry on a conversation with a complete stranger, anytime, anyplace. but, she stared quietly at the floor and i respected her silence. besides, i was a busy girl, with two more door openings in the next few minutes. the sweet lady just smiled.

i was a little surprised at my response, and i am sure she was too. after all, i was the “spring chicken” in the waiting room. i am sure she thought “what in the world do you know about it being hard to get around?” sigh. boy did i.

the waiting room cleared out and it was just myself and my new “friend” and what i assumed was her daughter. then her name was called. they both stood up and the daughter gathered their purses. as they began to leave, i noticed that the older lady had forgotten her bottle of water under her chair. i stopped her and said, “ma’am, wait, you forgot your water.” she thanked me and said, “you are just so sweet!” i smiled and said “no problem at all”.

i couldn’t believe it. it really struck me. what had i done?? honestly, it somewhat bothered me a bit. ok, so i opened a door for a couple people and i reminded a sweet old lady not to forget her water? is that not what anyone would do? i know i have been very much out of the loop lately…i have spent most of my days at home, in a doctor’s office, in church..and, well, that’s pretty much it….but has the world really gotten that much worse?? are things really that bad? i couldn’t help but sit and wonder why this sweet old lady was so taken aback by these simple things i had done. it made me sad. but then happy too. happy that i was able to make her happy. thankful that God let me make her smile. oh how i pray that so many more people are kind to her. how hard is it to be kind? really?? it drives me absolutely BONKERS that people can’t just be kind. in traffic. to their waiters, regardless of the service they receive. at the pharmacy. to telemarketers just doing their jobs. kindness….is it really that difficult? answer: NO!

as God would have it….as i was leaving my appointment, i walked down the hallway and got to the elevators and guess who was standing there waiting for the elevator? that’s right…it was the sweet old lady and her daughter. i was sooo excited! i hurried (as much as i could!) to make sure we rode the elevator together. when she saw me, she smiled. the doors opened and we all stepped in. her daughter was giving her instructions and as we all got out, she told her that she was going on ahead to get the car and for her to wait right outside. i asked my new friend if she wanted to brave the “turny-roundy-door-thingy” (not sure the technical name for those types of doors, but you get the idea) because they can be tricky, or if she’d like me to just open the other door for her? she said, “young lady, you are just so kind!” i said “ya know, ma’am, God tells us to be that way, i’m happy to help you!” she said, somewhat somberly “well, i guess He does, doesn’t He?” and i said, “yes, He does!”

i asked if she wanted me to wait under the shade with her until her daughter came, and she said, no, that she was fine, she would just wait and lean against the column. to be honest, i was feeling pretty wiped out myself, and without even thinking i said, “you know, i know all about having to lean like that!” she looked shocked and said “YOU?” and my face dropped, and i said “yes. me. ok, then, God bless you, take care.”

with that, i was gone. i began my looooong walk in the 156 degree heat back to my car and before i had even hit row one in the parking lot- i lost it. i started crying. ugly cry, too. i passed two cute little pharmaceutical reps walking by, pulling their briefcase thingys that must have thought i’d lost my ever-loving mind. oh well, i probably have.

all of a sudden i felt all sorts of emotions.

still upset that such small acts of kindness had meant so much to this lady, why weren’t more people kind in this world? i’m sure they are, in fact, i know people are, but i guess, not to her…at least not lately.

and dangit, i am kind, but what does it matter, i am stuck at home all the time, with no end to this ridiculous medical drama in my life in site…(just being honest)

happy that i blessed this lady in some small way

sad because i am stinking 31 years old and honestly, this lady moved better than i did

mad that i knew i drove that hover-round better than the guy who had clearly owned it a long time

why should i have to go through all this?

why should i look at this sweet 85 year old lady and be able to tell her i know what it’s like to have to find a column to lean against??

frustrated that i am about to turn the calendar on yet another month and i STILL feel this way

so blessed to have gotten to be a part of talking about God to this lady and His loving kindness

thankful that He used me, even in such a tiny way

by the time i got to my car and my phone was ringing and i saw it was one of my best friends, i almost didn’t answer it, but i did. boy, did she not know what she was getting into by calling me right then. but, then again, she is my friend, one of the best. so she’s knows there is always a chance. 🙂

overall, i am good. i am thankful. so grateful when i look back at how very far God has brought me over these last ten months of this trial. i still cannot fully function in my normal life. so not even close. but He has brought me far. i must remember that. but sometimes i just can’t help it when the emotions rush in like that….anger, thankfulness, gratitude, worry, joy, frustration, uneasiness, peace, faith, doubt….it seems unlikely that they’d all come together, but they do sometimes, one huge melting pot of emotions, and thankfully God knows them all. and loves me still. i am committed to stick by Him through this. it’s really more of a hanging onto Him for dear life, clinging to Him, the only thing that can get me through….that is a more accurate picture.

and before you think i am “tooting my own horn” for being such an amazing person on this day. c’mon seriously…..i opened a door for a few people. you can’t honestly think i would brag about that. if you think that is worth bragging about, then seriously check yourself. for real people 🙂

and while i have you….please go be kind. please. just do it. obey Jesus and act like Him. it is that simple. seriously. i will never forget what it used to say at the end of an old dc talk song, back in the day…”the greatest single cause of atheism in the world today is Christians. who acknowledge Jesus with their lips and then walk out the door and deny Him by their lifestyles. that is what an unbelieving world simply finds unbelievable!” get out there and prove that wrong!!!! amen and amen.

ms. ississippi

ok….so it has been almost a month since i have written anything. what is that about? i’ll tell you. travel. busy. no time to sit and have cohesive thoughts. i love my kids. so very much actually. sometimes, too much. sometimes, i allow myself to put them and ryan waaay before myself and then don’t let myself have time to do things like this that i want to do. plus, i have been waaaay tired lately, thanks to my not-friend (aka – steroids i am tapering off of) so when i do get time to sit and be with me…i sit in a semi-vegetative state in front of the tv watching my guilty pleasure – gilmore girls – and turn my brain completely off. yes, i am feeling convicted.

but this is not good. lately, i have really been missing out on my true, genuine QUALITY time with God. i’m still doing my morning devo…i’m still doing my homework for my Bible study on tuesday nights…but my heart is still missing something. interesting isn’t it, that a person can be “doing” all that and still not “feel” like they are as close to God as they were a month ago. proof that it isn’t about the “doing”, huh? gee, i bet the pharisees would beg to differ. and i’m just being honest here…when left to myself, i tend to go back to “my old ways”. don’t know about you….but my “old ways” sound a little like this…WORRY, fear with a c-a-p-i-t-a-l “F”, selfishness, pride, controlling nature, jealousy, judgmentalness….is that enough for now? unfortunately, i could go on. do you still like me? still think highly of me? ah yes…add people pleasing to the list. sigh.

so i’ve been thinking a lot lately about the most adorable story that happened on our recent marathon trip to florida. (i will get to the story in a minute) i know that i can’t really complain about this “marathon” trip as i’m calling it. i mean, my dad and step-mom came with us to help with the kids, which in my current medical condition was a must. soooo thankful for that. and my sweet dad rented a 12 passenger van, which was an absolute LIFE-SAVER because i got to ride in the very back row and basically lie down the entire trip. that was HUGE! what a blessing!! i can’t complain because now-a-days travel with kids is sooo easy thanks to portable dvd’s, the silly games on ryan’s iphone, numerous books and games that make noise to entertain baby abigail, coloring books, cd’s with fun sing-a-long songs, ipods for mommy and daddy’s sanity….who can complain about that? the days of license plate bingo and I-spy as the only games to play are long since over. but, with three children five and under in a van for hours and hours and hours….yes, the long and winding road can seem just that…looooong and winding.

but, back to the cute story…. we had prepared the kids for a while that we were going to see “maka”, (ryan’s adorable 93-year-old grandmother) in florida….and even though they had met her a few times, they are little and didn’t remember her very well. so…we talked a big talk about this trip and did our best to get them hyped up. it worked, they were stoked! but, a few hours into the trip, we realized that we had accidentally misspoke because we were technically going to be stopping in mississippi to stay overnight and break the trip up into two days (oh, my oh my, what a wise move) so…we had to begin again with the pumping up….”hey guys…we forgot to tell you something fun….we are stopping in mississippi for tonight to stay in a hotel and then we will wake up tomorrow and see maka, ok?!!!” we talked about how cool a hotel is, since they really didn’t know what that was – we don’t travel much. and how nice mississippi was…and so on and so forth. it worked ok, no one was too sad about not seeing maka. whew.

this would be a good time to tell you that we require our kiddos to use “good manners” as often as humanly possible for three and five year olds. please and thank you, and yes and no ma’am. and of course, they call all adults by using mr. and ms. they are used to it and honestly do a great job!

but it still took us by surprise when our sweet benjamin said what he said on our road trip. we had been driving for most of the day (remember, looooong and winding) ….and then we switched gears on them and said we weren’t heading to see maka after all, instead we were going to mississippi. so…sweet benjamin asked innocently and tiredly after being such a trooper the whole trip, “mama, are we almost to mississippi’s house yet? can she throw me the ball real high?” sweet boy. he thought that we were going to see “ms. ississppi”, some lady he didn’t know, but who hopefully had a strong throwing arm. we all laughed at his innocence. his darling, but incredibly detail and factual-oriented big brother responded somewhat out of frustration, “no benjmain, mississippi is a state!” well, he might as well been trying to explain cold fusion to the kid, because at age three, benjamin has no concept of what a “state” is…which was obvious to his response “oh ok, well, can she throw the ball?” 🙂

they went back and forth a few times more, with jacob growing a bit more frustrated each time that benjamin still thought ms. ississippi was someone we were going to see…he really wanted his little brother to “get it” and benjamin just wanted to have someone throw him the ball. and in true benjamin fashion, his joyful ignorance just got better. as we got closer to our destination for the night (aka – heaven! 🙂 benjamin asked again, “mama, how far are we?” i checked the gps device and told him “we are almost there…only 17 more miles, buddy” to which he joyfully told his brother (even though jacob heard me too 🙂 but he just LOVES to share good news…

benjamin: “jacob, we are only 17 miles away (no, he doesn’t know really what that meant either), we are almost there, to see….wait…what is the name of the lady at the hotel, mama??”
me:”what lady at at the hotel, buddy?”
benjamin: “the lady at the hotel”
me: “we’re not going to see maka tonight buddy, remember?”
benjamin: “nooo, mama, the lady at the hotel”
me: remembering which “lady” he was talking about…”you mean, ms. ississippi?”
benjamin: ” YA! jacob, we are almost there to see ms. ississippi at the hotel, jacob!!!”
jacob: rolls his eyes again and replies “b-e-n-j-a-m-i-n mississippi is a STATE!”
benjamin just smiles and ignores that last comment. unaware that he is wrong. unaware that he has annoyed his brother. unaware that he is completely misinterpreting what is going on, “who” we are going to see and where we are headed.
and as we pull into the hotel, he unbuckles his carseat and shouts joyfully, “oh, i can’t wait to see what she looks like!!”
“she” of course, is ms. ississippi.

priceless.

fortunately benjamin has a fairly short attention span and is somewhat easily distracted, so a large fountain in the foyer of the hotel, coupled with the “cool” hotel key cards distracted him from the fact that ms. ississippi wasn’t actually there. 🙂 not only is this story just precious because of the way that his sweet little mind works. but i love that it shows how different my two boys are. how God took two boys from the same two parents and made them so very, very different. but as i sat and stared at the back of his sweet little dusty blonde head for those last 17 miles, i thought a lot about God. and it has been something i have been throwing around in my fake highlighted blonde head for weeks now.

i am benjamin. or at least i should be. so often i am not. so very often. what do i mean? let me see if i can explain…..because it hit me so hard all at once.

i have such a tendency to worry. it is not something i am proud of at all. really, i’m not. ashamed actually. i should be over this stupid thing by now. but i’m not. God is still working this out in me. so thankful He hasn’t given up on me. and it is times like this one that i THANK HIM for showing me how i should be. i sat there, like i said and stared at benjamin….happily strapped in his carseat for this trip. safe. secure. protected in so many ways. his loving and strong daddy behind the wheel, in complete control of where we are going. benjamin has NO CLUE where we are going. he isn’t even sure that the “where” we are going isn’t a “she” instead. we have gone to great lengths to ensure that this trip for him would not only be safe and secure…but, because we love him sooooo much….we wanted it to be comfortable and enjoyable…we planned and planned ahead of time to make it fun as well. he is surrounded by those he loves and who love him. and he just sits there…all strapped in…just happy to be along for the ride. he doesn’t fully understand what is going on…in fact, he is dead wrong about ms. isissippi, but boy he can’t wait to see what she looks like. 🙂 such pure joy! and ya know what else??? not once, did he ask to drive. he never looked up at ryan and said, “dad, i know i am too small to drive this thing, too unwise to operate this van, too immature to handle it, but i want to anyway, i think i can do a better job than you!!” not once did benjamin ask if the route we were taking was the best route, or did he offer a different route that HE thought was best. he just sat there…..the whole ride. happy to be there. COMPLETELY TRUSTING THAT HIS DADDY WOULD GET HIM WHEREVER HE WAS SUPPOSED TO GO.

sigh.

oh, if i could just be like that. if i could just trust that well.

God, you have loved me and known me before the foundation of the world. you know exactly what time i will go to bed tonight. you know the number of hairs on my head. you know the names of my great-grandparents and the names of my great grandchildren. you were. you are. you will be. why, oh why do i act like such a fool sometimes??? why can’t i just sit back in my perfectly safe carseat and enjoy the scenery? the multiple things you have provided for me to enjoy on this ride? the loved ones you have placed on this ride with me? i cannot even fathom all you have going on right now. in my life. in my kiddos’ lives. in ryan’s life. in everyone’s lives around me and not around me. why must i worry about the future? worry is sin. and i am sorry Lord, for you are good and perfect and i love you and desire to please you. i thank you that you never tire of me and that you have a plan for me. your plan is best. your plan for me, and my family. help me God, as ONLY you can, to enjoy this wonderful ride i am on with you. may i shine YOUR joy so that others’ lives may be touched by YOUR joy. may i bear MUCH fruit and may you receive the glory. no matter how i’m “feeling” that day. no matter if i get well when i want to. no matter what. because you God and i am not. whew. sooo glad about that one. thank you for your grace. it is unending and i am so undeserving. i love you. amen.

just so you know….we had a wonderful trip in florida. and our sweet benjamin…on the way home…once again through mississippi touched my heart again when he said with joyful expectation, “maybe this time we will see Mr. sippi, mama?!!” so sweet. just so sweet.

summer rain

oooohhh how i love summer rain. actually, i love rain in general. for the most part. i mean, i guess i’m not a huge fan when i am getting soaked because my sweet little darlings are being extra…how shall i say….not-so-quick to get into the car during one of these times…..but overall i have always enjoyed being a part of rain. there is something very cleansing about it. i looove curling up and watching a movie and taking a nap in the winter time when it is raining. (or at least i did before i had children and i will enjoy that again in roughly 17 years)

but, summer rain….that, is special. i think what i love most about it, is that it surprises you. where i am from and have lived my entire life…summer equals hot. h – o – t – hot. and i don’t mean hot, like, oh gee, maybe we should wear shorts today and get a cold beverage kind of hot….i mean….good Lord, i just peeled off a layer of skin getting out off the pleather couch, and the AC is on 64 degrees… kind of hot…and that is at 9am. i could not be prouder to be a texan and love where i live, but one of the realities is that we only have two seasons. summer and ’bout to be summer. and as if that’s not bad enough, summer begins in late february and ends in early november, of which, the good majority of that time (i.e. may, june, july and august) you can pretty much bet that it will hit 95 degrees before your breakfast has even settled in your belly. so….if God blesses us with summer rain, we welcome it with open arms….or at least i do.

i have been known to literally walked out in it and turn my face up to God and let Him just rain all over me. sometimes i feel i just need a good rinsing off. literal and figurative. sometimes i feel hotter than a hornet. sometimes i just feel so blessed to get to share in a summer rain. it is special. for the most part, it only happens a handful of times where i live…so when it does, you soak it up and thank God for it. it is kind of like a cool, wet surprise party from God because you often can’t see it coming. skies are blue. the thermometer gives you no inkling that it will dip below triple digits any time soon, and then all of a sudden, drip….drip….drip. ahhhhh…….

and i looooove surprise parties. i want to throw them for anyone and everyone i love. i don’t even have to know you that well, and i’d be up for it! i’ve thrown them (or at least helped) for my dad, mom, step-mom, brother, husband (much to his displeasure- he’s not big on being the focus of attention! but he still loves me 🙂 and lots of other family and friends…i love them!!! and for years and years i used to tease those around me, especially my sweet hubby, that i love surprise parties sooo much and here i was, i couldn’t get someone to throw me a surprise party. well, my amazing husband did it. he got me good. he, along with my family and amazing church friends, put together a great one….for my 30th birthday. they got me good. now….it was very uncool that i was about 8 months pregnant with baby #3 and so i was HUGE and waddling all over the place in all the pictures, but i guess that’s what i get for whining like a baby all those years about wanting a surprise party for myself. justice was served. 🙂

but, i really do feel the same way about summer rain. the surprise of it is such a joy to me. another part of it i just love about summer rain is the smell. it has such a distinct smell that you never get any other time of the year. it is almost like the air is just as surprised at the new arrival of moisture as i am, and that sudden cool friend doesn’t know what to do with the heat around it. but the two of them together make such a sweet aroma. do you know what i mean? i wish i could bottle it up…because to me, it represents that moment….that surprise of summer rain. that unexpected relief from the heat that is our world.

right now, it is the end of june. it has been super hot for weeks now. and it has rained almost non-stop for the last day and a half. i love it. yes, everything is muddy. yes, my kids and crabby because they can’t swim anytime they want to because of the “big lightning and thunder”. but….ooh that smell. that coolness it brings. there is nothing like that.

i cannot help but thank God for this unexpected surprise. i cannot help but tell Him that i appreciate that He knows when….exactly when we need a little of this unexpected joy in our lives. sometimes….actually, waaay more that sometimes…… i need to really stop and think of these “summer rain” type moments that He gives me so often. so very often.

a dear friend who sends us a gift card that i get in the mail, JUST in time to bless us greatly with our grocery budget at the end of the month.

a compliment from my man that comes just when i feel i could not gain one more pound and be cute at all.

a loved one who texts you just to say how special you are to them.

a friend who tells you how God used you (yes, YOU!) to bless their life during a hard time!

a verse that comes to mind at just the right time when you need to hear truth and not the junky thoughts in your head.

turning on the radio and hearing that song that lifts your spirits high, or makes you smile, or makes you wanna jump up and praise!

the nurse squealing, “it’s a girl!!”, when we already have two boys, and ryan and i screaming “are you sure!?!” at the same time and then bursting into joyful tears!

driving along on a hot summer day and then all of a sudden…drip….drip….drip

God cares about every single part of your life and my life. He knows you better than you know you. He knows me better than i know me. and the shocking thing is, He still loves us. i am so very thankful for so many things. i do not STOP what i am stinking doing and thank Him enough. for big things i usually remember, but not always. for small things, i sometimes remember, but not often. for seemingly tiny things….i often just blow right by. but tonight, i am so thankful for summer rain. for the memories it brings to mind of places so dear…of my sweet hubby….of the Christian camp i worked at for years and loved so dear….of playing in the rain just today with my kiddos…… thank you God for these ways that you bring blessing into my life. thank you that you love me so much that you want to bless me. thank you for the many, many ways you bring joy, especially unexpected joy to my life. give me eyes to see it Lord and the mind to give you thanks for it, for i know ALL good things come from you!!! (James 1:17)

now friends, in the spirit of full honesty….i will admit that i began this post sitting on my back porch, which i LOVE, listening and soaking up that summer rain that i just spent all this time speaking of….i mean, what better place to write about this, right? but….. that didn’t last long. and, that didn’t last long, because, along with summer rain……especially summer night rain….comes summer bugs, lots of them, and they all bite me….and i do not love them at all. 🙂 so, i am indoors now, in my air conditioning and in my recliner admiring the sound of the summer rain on my windows. just keeping it real here, people. just keeping it real. 🙂
ps. a spider just crawled across the arm of the recliner. i am not kidding. i am going to bed now. that is a sign. 🙂 good night. 🙂

it ain’t you, it’s tcu

so, my sweet hubby and i went on a date the other night…WAHOOOO!!! at this current stage in our lives, the actual plans of the date matter very little. what matters is that we are alone, together…he feeds himself, i feed myself…we get to have a solid conversation without any, and i do many any (sweet, adorable, but constant and sometimes mind-numbing) interruptions. i was wearing a t-shirt and capri sweatpants actually, he didn’t even care. don’t worry, i bathed myself and straightened my hair, so i wasn’t a complete mess. we were comfy and casual and happy to be together. but this wasn’t just a date. ( i feel like i need a sound effect here, like dun-dun duuun) this was a date…. with a purpose. we were needing some time together, but also we were needing to re-do our dave ramsey budget. we live on cash only, no debt, if the money ain’t in the envelope, we ain’t buying it budget…and since i no longer work at church and since he just got a new job and is expecting a small (emphasis on small..but GOD WE ARE THANKFUL!!) increase in pay…we knew it was time to re-evaluate things….plus…i will be taking over the bill payin’ for the family for the first time in our marriage…so this meeting was loooong overdue. and in all honesty, i was excited to be able to take this stress from him, submit to him in this way…and hopefully help out my sweet hubby who does soooo much more that most men do in the average household.
so, here we are, excited about our date… in fact…we were beyond thrilled because we had a coupon for “buy one dinner, get one free” at springcreek bar-b-q…score! we got there….planned out our entrees and sides so we could share and enjoy our dinners. even “splurged” and got one sweet tea to share…got to the end of the line and the nice 17 year old who was training the nice 16 year old looked at us and said “oh, ya, that isn’t good….you can only use that coupon monday-thursday, sorry..that’ll be $23.76” ouch. ironic isn’t it…that we were so excited to go on our budget talking date and blew the budget on the meal. nice. ah well, that just meant less money for groceries that week. we made it work…and we ate every morsel of that meal and you know we brought the leftovers home for lunch. 🙂 i did feel bad about the sweet tea though. 🙂
anyway…..so we found a nice little corner in the back of the restaurant and began our date. i probably failed to mention that it was barely 5pm on a friday night so the place was dead. shocking, i know. but we were happy to be able to have a relatively quiet place to sit and not feel bad about taking up a table for so long. and the atmosphere was fairly quiet, except for the generic country music playing and the occasional inquiry if we would like a fresh, hot, roll, to which we consistently and politely declined, but to which the sweet 16 year old girl consistently and politely asked over…and over…and over again. i know it was her job, God bless her, but you would think after 7 or 8 times, she would get that we didn’t want any. sweet girl though. that wasn’t even the point of my story this time, but i thought i’d give you a little background as to why we were camped out at springcreek bar-b-q for sooo long. and we did….for soooo long. we chatted, laughed, and then looked over the budget. made a few phone calls to verizon and at&t to talk about how we could give them a little less money each month. i am a queen of sitting on hold and “working my magic” as ryan calls it, with those people.
before we knew it, we’d been there a few hours and the place had really filled up. we knew we had to finish up because we wanted to run through walmart and get our weekly groceries while we were kid-free (hey, don’t knock it…it is waaaay easier that way)…so as we were getting situated and ready to leave…i looked around the restaurant and re-noticed a few things. i say “re”-noticed because i had actually noticed this one large group that had come in an hour or so before. it was hard not to. it was a group of about 15-20 older people. when i say “older” i mean that most of the sweet people were at least in their late sixties and early seventies….which i must say is not a whole lot older than my very own parents, but they all sure looked older than my parents. so, maybe i’m being polite, maybe they were in their eighties. either way, you get my point. they were so sweet about getting all situated, moving tables together, working out who sat across from who…putting trays here, and drinks here. quite an ordeal when they all got there. so, as ryan and i got up to leave, i stood up…..and i am not kidding you….EVERY single one of them was staring at me. every one. i looked back at our table, thinking surely it was a fluke, glanced back up, and sure enough, ALL of them, still staring……so i began to walk towards to door, which led me by their long stratch of tables they had made…..wiped my face a bit and looked down at my shirt and pants to make sure nothing terribly embarrassing was going on….(ALL still staring at me)…i’m running things through my brain, like “what in the world? why are all these old people staring at me? i know i didn’t dress up that nice, but c’mon!?! i don’t look trashy! it can’t be that bad! maybe it’s not bad…but it can’t be that good wither, i’m not that cute or anything?! i mean, i would get it if i had the kids with me, they always attract attention, especially from older grandparent-type folks…but they aren’t with me…what is going on!?!?!” and i got closer to them and walked a bit slower, smiling so big and polite to try and show these people i really was such a nice person…i will still brushing myself off, and i kinda turned around to see what was behind me…and then i saw it….duh. right, directly behind me was a big screen tv playing some sort of baseball game.

i stopped dead in my tracks. (now, by this time, ryan is almost out the door) and i have pretty much gotten up to their table now, so i have clearly seen that the consistent and constant gaze of all 20 of these older sweet people is still going in that same direction and that direction ain’t me…it was the tv. i glance back at the tv and back at all of them, and then i bust out laughing….LOUD! well, that shook them all out of their locked gaze for sure. i felt so foolish. and so selfish. and sooooo relieved, all at the same time. i couldn’t stop giggling. pretty loudly, too. and so, of course, now they really were staring at me. i apologized and said, “i’m sorry, from where i was standing, it looked like you all were staring at me, and it was so weird! i thought why are all these nice people staring at me!?!” (ya like how i threw the word nice in there so they wouldn’t think i was a complete lunatic, eh? i’m ok with partial looney, but not a total nutcase) they all started laughing and one of the men said, “now, honey, it ain’t you, it’s TCU. but go ahead and have a seat and join us.” so i did. i sat down in the chair of someone who had clearly gotten up to get a re-fill (probably sweet tea…bet he didn’t try to use a coupon though) and chatted with them for a minute…..(for those of you who know me well, this is shocking. i have never met a stranger and could make friends with a tree stump. a true sanguine to the core. i could have sat with these people for hours.) “how is everyone? you guys on a date, like me? our kiddos are home with nana and grandpa, ya’lls too?” they laughed, i laughed. then they found out i was a red raider fan and asked me to leave. 🙂 which was fine, because my hot date had almost gotten out the door before realizing he wasn’t being followed anymore, and then was only partially surprised to turn around and find out i was sitting with a table full of strangers.

what a joyful little surprise that was. it gave me a good laugh. the kind of unexpected laugh that does your body good sometimes. but what God really spoke to me about it all was so clear in what that man said to me….”it ain’t you, it’s tcu.” this whole deal isn’t about me. what in my little mind would make me think for a second that a whole table of people would be staring at me? and then, why would i torment myself over it if they were? ugh. soooo much of this life isn’t about me. and yet so much of this life i torment myself over. pleasing people. wanting to have what they have. if i could just…oh, God then i’ll be happy…i promise. my sweet pastor says sometimes (ok, more like OFTEN) that we Americans tend to “spend money we don’t have, to buy things we can’t afford and don’t need, to impress people we don’t even like anyway”…why is that? why are we all in this for ourselves? we get so stinkin’ caught up in the temporal. why is it that these teeny-bopper clothes have the mentality “it’s all about me” plastered across the front in neon splatter paint and there are fully grown middle aged people who could be wearing the same shirt?

this may be a silly example of this, but it spoke to me. i want so badly to get outside of my own self. maybe that’s because my little world has been so small lately. i haven’t been out of it a bunch. God- i pray that you can help ME and all of us to remember that you have us here to BE YOU to those around us. to spread your love and your joy and your good news (GREAT news!) to all we meet. to live it out. philippians 2:3 says “do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves.” in humility. that’s exactly right. i don’t want it to be all about me. i want it to be all about You. and if people are staring at me God, i want it to be because they see something different about me that makes them THINK OF YOU! i want to stand out, but only because i don’t look like everyone else. i love what my pastor talked about just this weekend. in romans 12:2, “do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind.” only Your Word, God can renew our minds like nothing else. only Your work in us can make us truly humble and truly unselfish. do that in us. please do that in me. it ain’t about me. amen.

ever feel like a diaper champ?

ok, so when i first had children…i admit i wanted the brand name of everything….i wanted the diaper genie…the baby bjorn….the huggies….the graco carseat…..only the best. now, we are on kid #3…and although i still stand behind huggies (all else had pretty much failed me…literally, all over my clothes. my lap. no one else’s. therefore, i retain all diaper choosing rights.) but the rest of it, i don’t care much about. we have moved on to the diaper champ. i think it is ridiculous to have to buy the refills of the other one. i am perfectly happy with the “off brand”-ness of this version…after all, let’s stop for a second people…this thing is going to be holding the poopy diapers of my darling baby, right. does a brand name really matter? c’mon.

for those of you who don’t know, a diaper genie or a diaper champ is a brilliant invention. whoever thought the thing up was clearly a mom. (maybe not, but i think so it must have been.) either that, or it was a dad who had innocently and probably ignorantly, agreed to dispose of all diapers, and then realized the sheer VOLUME of diapers that one small baby can produce and got tired of the (never realized before how) loooong walk out to the garage. so, this contraption allows you to put a stinky diaper in, wave the magic wand,(i.e. engage the handle), and then the diaper goes down into the shoot and then the thing seals away the odor. it is great. you can keep doing this until the thing is full and then you just empty and repeat. genius.

so, back to my story. brand names aside. it doesn’t matter what name is on the outside. what matters is on the inside. literally. i was reminded of this, this morning, when once again i walked into sweet abigail’s room and was greeted with “that” smell. you know the smell. the smell that says to me that daddy shoved a few too many poopy diapers in there, shook the thing around, stomped on it, wiggled the handle and forced an extra one (personally, i think he shoved three or four down there) down, in order not to have to (“get” to) be the one who has to change out the trash bag. it is the ol’ “who has to make the new batch of lemonade” logic. when i was growing up, the rule of the house was, whoever finished off the lemonade was supposed to make the next batch. no problem. we (including my step-dad 🙂 realized that if you left about 0.7 ounces in the bottom of the pitcher that you technically hadn’t “finished off” the lemonade and therefore weren’t responsible for making the next match. brilliant. of course, it didn’t work, but we thought it would. nope. same with the diaper champ. if you could somehow manage to shake the thing around, bang it on the ground and borderline break the thing so that you could squeeeeze one more diaper down there, you don’t have to be the one to change out the trash bag. and trust me on this one…you DO NOT want to be the one who has to change the trash bag.

this leads me to where God spoke to me today. funny of all places. God spoke to me through a diaper pail. yup. ya see….i really didn’t want to be the one to change the trash bag. but it HAD to be changed, let me say that again….HAAAAD to be changed. i think even abigail was beginning to complain, and she is 15 months old. you see, if you try and try to put it off, and try and try to shove more stank (yes, at this point, we have moved beyond stink, to flat out stank) down in there, eventually the seal, designed to hold the smell in, doesn’t work. it wasn’t designed to hold all that in. the whole room begins to smell. the contraption designed for your convenience has now polluted your sweet baby’s whole nursery. ouch. you don’t sleep in there with that smell. you don’t have to live with it.

that is my point. that diaper champ is my heart. and lately, i have been stuffing more and more stanky diapers in. i mean, let’s face it….we all stuff a few stinky ones in here and there. we are sinners after all. we live in a completely warped, messed up world, surrounded my warped, messed up people, and those are just the ones sitting next to us at church. but lately, i really have been trying to push the envelope…trying to shake the thing around and squeeze in a few more than i should…..and i didn’t even really know it. it isn’t the huge stuff….i don’t murder, steal, commit adultery, do drugs, etc. (whew, glad to clear that up, eh?) but ooohhh those “little” ones creep in…covet, jealousy, envy….those sneak in for sure. (by the way, there are no “little” ones, so don’t start to feel better about yourselves if you do it too. they are all big. they are all bad. they all stank.)

and my heart is not designed for it. at least not anymore. thankfully. when i became a Christian. i traded my heart in for a new one. and God has the power to give me a whole new heart. (see Ezekiel 26) the problem is, we still have free will. we still can choose to stuff stank in. lately, as i have been feeling a little better and trying to “do” more around the house and for our family, i have been able to be “out there” more. and being “out there” more has reminded me of how hard it is “out there”. i have been, in just the last few weeks (and i’m just being honest here)….jealous of a friend who has a beautiful new minivan when we drive old(10 years and 19 years), beat up vans…..been envious of friends whose husbands make a ton of money and “seem” to be able to buy all they want with no worries and don’t have to do without their favorite snack because it wasn’t in the food budget this week…..wished i could go work out like one friend of mine who is training for a marathon, because athletics and sports used to be WHO I WAS, but instead i still can hardly still walk up and down my driveway…..i’ve judged other friends of mine for their life choices because, i, after all, have it all figured out and think that i know the best way for women/moms/wives to behave (ugh, my pride makes me wanna hurl sometimes)……oh people i could go on and on…but i honestly think you have the idea. and i’m starting to make myself sick at this point and i assume you are feeling the same. the point is this…..all of these things are dirty diapers people. dirty, stanky diapers. and i am CHOOSING to shove them down into my heart. a heart that is not designed to hold them. it builds and builds and if i’m not careful, and i mean, real careful….it gets full….quick. and guess who it affects? that’s right….those i love.

after a loooooong day of being around my darling three kiddos. (who i love and treasure but who flat wear me out sometimes) ok, it was father’s day and i tried soooo hard to let daddy do absolutely everything and anything he wanted to and i would handle the kids, but it wore me out. i was “cuggling” with jacob, my eldest (who is almost 6) and i asked him a question….by the way…be sooo careful about what you ask your kids about you..they are honest and it can be brutal. i said, “baby, if you could change one thing about mommy, what would it be?” and without hesitation, he replied, “all your angry voices at me.” ouch. stank.

the stank comes out. it comes out all over my man and my kids and my friends and my family. and it looks and smells ABSOLUTELY NOTHING like my Jesus. the more and more i stuff down in there, the more the stench overflows into my life and all over those i love. and, even worse…to those i don’t know. to those who just see me with the fish on my van, or the verse on the back of my t-shirt…..ugh.

so, here i am today, i took a few deep breaths in, ya know… to get my lungs prepared for what they were about to have to endure……held my breath…..opened the diaper champ….and tried to quickly pull out the old, overflowing bag of yucky, stanky diapers…so i could get that thang out to the garage…and hurriedly replace it with a fresh new bag. confess it all to God. it wasn’t pretty. it was then that it hit me…..if i had just changed the thing when i was supposed to, it would not only have been easier, it wouldn’t have smelled nearly as bad. if i would have just dealt with my junk like the diaper champ was designed to, like God had designed for me to….life would be easier….when will i learn? when will i learn?

thank you God that by your strength, by your grace and love can i be anything worth anything. thank you that you see my disgusting heart and love me anyway. thank you that you can speak to me through a diaper pail. thank you that you love me anyway. because of your great love, though i am dead to this sin, you make me alive (eph 2:4-5) i owe you everything. keep working on me God. i know you will. i cling to that promise. i love you, amen.