caroline holzberger

Ah, There’s Nothing Like the Smell of Lysol in the Morning

(The following blog is neither for the faint of heart, nor the weak of stomach – its content may be gross and uncouth – friend, consider yourself warned!) 🙂

So the title of my blog this time was actually my facebook status the other day. After this statement I also said “Hmm…is that the title of a country song?” I think it should be. Country songs are so often about sad, lonely, depressing and unfortunate life events. And my house has been full of those over the past five days.

My sweet, adorable, yet very precocious baby girl went to church last Saturday night and brought home a smile, some love from God and his servants, and last but not least…a stomach virus. Lovely.

Now, before I begin, I must say that Ryan and I have been very blessed in our six years of being parents. We have never, and I mean never, had a stomach virus rip through our house like this one. We now know how blessed we were. Key word – were. Don’t get me wrong…we have had our fair share of scary and disgusting childhood illness moments – Jacob’s (at 13 months old) asthma type symptoms getting so scary that his lips and hands were turning blue because his sweet little body wasn’t getting enough oxygen – Benjamin (at age 18 months) getting a hold of the wrong sippy cup and drinking five ounces of regular milk, despite his severe dairy allergy. Yes, we called 911 and yes his face was so swollen it barely looked like him….and I won’t even try to count the number of “throwing down” episodes my kids have done in a bathtub full of toys….not cool.

Now, we have had a stomach bug or two or five in our home over the years. Abigail just had a bad one on Halloween of this year and missed Trick or Treating. Such a shame, she would have been a sweet little lamb.  And I managed to get a bad bug with every single pregnancy. Yep, every single one. There’s nothing quite like hugging that porcelain throne with a big ol’ preggo belly.

But nothing, and I mean nothing could have prepared us for this. Like I mentioned before, our sweet Abigail brought it home. And whether she did or not, we can blame it on her because she’s the baby and doesn’t know any better. But, she really did bring it home and whoa nelly, it hit her Sunday afternoon when we tried to put her down for her nap. She was in there for a while and was a little mad about missing out on the party. Often the girl goes down without a hitch, but then there are some times when she is just plain mad about having to leave everyone to go do this nap thing…and she lets us hear all about it. And then again, there is this time, when she was simply covered in throw up.

Poor baby. Poor daddy. Let me tell you…I am married to one amazing man. Things like this don’t phase him near like they do me. I can just about barely handle it. Barely. I take kid duty and he has clean up. He totally drew the short straw on this one, trust me. I honestly thank God that a major “incident” like this hasn’t happened when he was out of town or something. Not sure what I’d do. Actually, I have a pretty good idea. I’m pretty sure I’d consider closing the room up, locking it and just selling the house. Honey – I’ll forward you our new address.

So, we cleaned the sweet girl up and I loved on her for a while. She was pretty traumatized by the whole thing. Poor baby, she’s not even two years old yet and so she doesn’t understand at all when her body does this to her. She looks at us with the most pitiful look. You know the look. The one that says “Mama, what is going on? Why is this happening? Make it stop!”

But, stop it did not. In fact, we had round two just a couple hours later. Repeat clean up roles. Repeat loving on her sweet self. Only now, we are down to only one clean crib sheet. Mayday, mayday, mayday.

So, that was Sunday. And then Monday came and thankfully, it was fairly tolerable. We stuck to the whole brat diet (bananas, rice, applesauce and toast) and things went pretty well. Jacob was at school all day and my folks came to get Benjamin to play at their house for a while, so he wouldn’t get “infected”. So, sweet sister friend and I got a lot of “cuggle” time. I hate to say it, but that is a perk. If someone was looking for a silver lining here, which sometimes as a parent, you just kinda need, the extra “cuggle” time is it. At least with our kids…when they get sick, they sure are super cuddly. So, Abigail and I snuggled up under a blanket (to be burned at a later date) and watched TV together. That is, until she fell asleep on me…for three and a half hours. That’s right. Poor thing. And poor Mama. When she woke up, I had a serious cramp in my shoulder, couldn’t feel my left arm and was about to pee my pants.

Then came Tuesday and things were beginning to look up. I was starting to think we were in the clear. (ha.) But, after naptime, our sweet Benjamin, who is usually only sitting still when eating a snack or zoned in on a favorite show…sluggishly slumped down on the couch and said “Mama, my belly hurts.” Uh oh.

Within hours, he was pale as a sheet and sprawled out on the couch not moving at all. He just flat out looked awful. I tried to make him as comfortable as I could. I sat next to him and stroked his sweet hair and thought about how sad it is when our “joy boy” is sick. The whole mood of the house changes. I thought also about how I’d hoped he and Jacob hadn’t played too closely together that afternoon after school. Darn me for wanting them to share. Then, a whole ‘nother thought crossed my mind. Oh no…the kid had spaghetti for lunch. Uugghh. That was not going to be pretty. But, I must say, in true “middle child” fashion…our sweet Benjamin was the only child to neither throw up nor “threw down” ( I despise the “d” word). Isn’t that sweet of him? Always wanting to please everyone. Never wanting to put anyone out. I sure thought so.

Especially since that very same Tuesday evening after Benjamin had so sweetly crashed on the couch, Ryan and I were watching a little TV together and we heard that all too familiar sound coming from Abigail’s bed…again. You know the sound. And Ryan and I just looked at each other. Again? Really?!? Yes, friends, again. (and again and again actually) Poor sister friend was back in it for round three (and ultimately, rounds four and five). I guess she is a lot like her mother – anything worth doin’ is worth over-doin’.

So, now here we are to Wednesday morning. I had been up with a dry-heavin’ Miss Abigail until almost 1am. And then come about 2:30am, sweet Benjamin called for me and just needed me to love on him. He kept saying “I’m sorry Mama, I just love you so much. I don’t want to be sick anymore. I don’t like this.” Poor thing. So, when 7am rolled around, I sleepily shuffled into the living room to see how Ryan was doing with getting Jacob ready for school. I came in, only to find pale little Jacob, my darling oldest child…tucked up in a ball on the couch. Not dressed for school. Not eating his breakfast. Not looking like himself at all. “What’s wrong, buddy?” “Mama, I don’t feel good, my belly hurts.” Now, in my head I am screaming…”Noooooooooo!”

I took Abigail to the doctor at 9am and Ryan stayed back with the boys – Benjamin, who hadn’t emerged from his bed yet, and Jacob who just lied there motionless and pale on the couch. When Abigail and I returned home at 10:45 or so, we found that Benjamin had awakened and was feeling “Fine, mama!!” (Thank you my sweet middle child) and Jacob literally had not moved. I rubbed his head for a bit and then tried to strategize on how we could best rope off this entire half of the house for fumigation. And then it happened. Jacob joined his sister he loves so dear in the throw up club. Ugh, no secret handshake or password to get in for this club. Anyone’s invited. Especially if your last name is Holzberger, apparently. So…once again, I took kid duty and Ryan tried to salvage what was left of our couch. Fortunately, he is nothing if not a great cleaner.

Wednesday wound down with Jacob still looking like death warmed over…Benjamin asking for spaghetti again (Ya right, kid…fat chance) and Abigail seeming to become a bit more like herself. Bedtime came and we all went to our own beds. The day was done. Or so we thought. I will spare you the details, but let me just say that Ryan and I have always allowed our kids the occasional “special night” if they were scared or sick or something and just need a night in our bed. It doesn’t happen that often, hence the name “special night”. This night, however turned out to be not so special. Well, at least it wasn’t throw up. But, it was throw down. Will our mattress ever be the same, we wonder? Only time will tell.

So, that brings us to Thursday. D-day. The “d” of course stands for disinfect. My sweet parents went to the store for me and got more hand sanitizer, a bottle of bleach, Clorox wipes, Lysol spray and more trash bags. Trash bags, you ask? Trust me, you do not want to know. And I, not being the “clean” one in our marriage, by nature, became one that day. I was systematic. I was organized. I was thorough. I was borderline fanatical. I wiped everything down. And I mean everything. The light switches, the door knobs, the remotes, the phones, the popular places to grab every single drawer in every single room, the toys…shoot, even the children if they stayed still long enough…everything.  I quarantined the kids to the living room with hardly any toys but an endless supply of Dora, Diego and Tom and Jerry on TV. All the while, I think my poor washer was conspiring with the dryer to start a coo and give up on me out of sheer exhaustion. At one point I actually wondered if there was enough Lysol spray in the greater Dallas/Fort Worth area to rid my house of the puke/poop smell.

If anyone had eavesdropped on my conversation with my kids that day, they might have thought I was some kind of weirdo mom…

“Do not hug your sister!”
“No sharing!!”
“Mama isn’t making anyone lunch today! You only get crackers!”
“Are you sure you haven’t touched anyone?!”
“No mama kisses, baby, sorry!”
“No, you may not have any vegetables!”
“No playing with toys, we are watching TV all day!”
“No one is allowed to help mama clean up these toys!”
“No, you may not help your sister get up!”
“Yes, yes…we can watch this movie over…again!”
“Nobody touches anybody!!!!!”
“I told you yesterday and I’ll tell you today, your only choice for food is crackers!”
and after all that…”Trust me, kids…mama knows what’s best for you!”

Lovely isn’t it?? Boy, I sure would have been sorry perhaps if there had been a CPS person listening in through the windows. Although if they touched those windows before the “big clean” at 2pm Thursday, they’d have been sorry too!

Isn’t it amazing how all bets are off in certain situations? Like today…my kids watched more TV today alone than they have all week combined. I was encouraging absolutely no displays of affection toward their siblings. And, to top it all off…I did all the picking up of toys for them! Mother of the year right here ladies and gents. 🙂

But, I was honestly in survival mode. I knew we were approaching the 48 hour mark with Abigail, again. Which is when we thought we were home free on Tuesday. Stupd, stupid us.

At all costs today, I was determined to get all these “yuckies” out of my house. Was I beyond tired? Yes. Do my hands need a healing lotion like never before thanks to all the hand sanitizer? Yes. Have I thrown away clothing this week that could very well have been used again by someone. Yes, yes and yes again. But, it doesn’t matter.

I want my house clean. I want my kids well.

The more I’ve thought about it (and I say this humbly – but even more so, teasingly)…I don’t ever think I’ve been more like Jesus than I was that day. I mean it. He takes up residence in our hearts, and maybe this isn’t true for you, but for me…when He got here, I’m thinking He looked around a bit and wished He would have bought stock in Lysol. Trust me, friend…it was a dirty place. Full of greed, and selfishness…dripping with pride, fear and materialism and there was some funky anger, self-pity, and insecurity breeding under the furniture. And don’t even ask where the carpet stains came from, they’ve been there since college. And no matter how hard I tried to clean it myself – no matter how hard I still try to clean it myself – I don’t have the right supplies. I’m wiping counters with a dirty, dry rag and I’m just spraying air freshener all around. I may be able to mask the smell for a little while with some annoyingly named scent like vanilla blossom fields C’mon, seriously? but trust me, I ain’t killing the germs.

Again, this just may not apply to you, but, for me, I know that Jesus has been forced to use more severe tactics in cleaning up my heart at times. I’m convinced that for a while there, He had a hazmat suit with my name on it. I also believe that He has allowed the enemy a visit or two. Ya see…the enemy pretends to want to clean, but all the while, trudging in sin on his shoes and leaving a trail of mucky worldliness behind him. I also believe that He has allowed me to let a few rooms get quite a bit dirtier than He would have preferred. Why would he do that? In order to show me just how amazing He is at cleaning. And then there have been times, like this past year…when he has just flat out allowed for scary things like black mold to grow so I could see how by Him ripping out the carpet and stripping the wallpaper, He alone could make this place even more beautiful than I had ever imagined.

The thing is…I can relate to my kids. Every one of them, actually. Like Jacob, sometimes I just feel like lying still, not moving at all, and waiting for this thing to pass. I tell myself it will, and I’m in complete denial that this will hit me hard. Other times, I feel like Benjamin and cry out to God, “I’m sorry Daddy, I love you so much, but I don’t want this anymore! I don’t like this!”…feeling like I want to be strong, but I am not quite sure how to be. And surely I have felt like Miss Abigail – scared, confused, and not at all sure what is happening to me, over and over and over. I look up to heaven with that same scared look and say “Please, daddy, just make it stop!”

Sin is dirty. And the thing is, Jesus is perfect. So, can you imagine what He thinks each day when he looks at His dwelling place, our hearts? I’m thinking it ain’t pretty. But, He gets to work. And although it may sound harsh, He is being a great parent…

“No sharing with the world and its ways!”
“No, you can’t clean this up on your own!”
“Your only choice for food is me – the bread of life”

He has our best interest at heart. And while we may not understand it, we, too, can trust that our Father knows what’s best for us. He wants us to be well more than we know. But He knows we can’t do it on our own, try as we might.

But, friend, the great news is that we daily have the opportunity to offer up to Him a willing heart. It is always easier to give a patient their medicine when they are willing to take it. I want to be willing. Don’t you?

Was this last year of my medical drama fun? Did I “deserve” to have to live that way? Do I know why I had to have such extensive “cleaning” done? No, no and no.

But…did He know the best way for my heart to get a bit cleaner? Was this time worth it, sitting back and trusting in His cleaning process? Has He shown himself faithful to stick by me when I keep dirtying His place up? Yes, yes and yes.

Friend, it’s simple…

He wants His house clean. He wants His kids well.

How do I know?? Well, He told me….

Proverbs 18:12 “Before his downfall a man’s heart is proud, but humility comes before honor.”

Psalm 86:11 “Teach me your way, O Lord, and I will walk in your truth; give me an undivided heart, that I may fear your name.”

Proverbs 14:30 “A heart at peace gives life to the body, but envy rots the bones.”

Psalm 139:23 “Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts.”

Psalm 51:10  “Create in me a pure heart, O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me.”

Proverbs 15:14 “The discerning heart seeks knowledge, but the mouth of a fool feeds on folly.”

Proverbs 3:3 “Let love and faithfulness never leave you; bind them around your neck, write them on the tablet of your heart.”

Psalm 40:8 “I desire to do your will, O my God; your law is within my heart.”

Proverbs 16:9 “In his heart a man plans his course, but the Lord determines his steps.”

Proverbs 4:23 “Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life.”

Psalm 73:1  “Surely God is good to Israel, to those who are pure in heart.”

Psalm 51:17 “The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit; a broken and contrite heart, O God, you will not despise.”

Proverbs 20:9 “who can say, “I have kept my heart pure; I am clean and without sin”?”

Not me, friend…not me. So, offer yourself up to Him. Do it today. Do it tomorrow. Do it again the day after that. Then repeat. He will never tire of cleaning. Which is good, because we will never be fully clean, until we see him face to face. Until then…be thankful for the smell of Lysol in your life.

And for the record…we have a couch for sale and also a queen mattress, if you’re interested. Anyone? Anyone? Ya, I didn’t think so.

this is the day…

have you ever had a very pleasant surprise? i mean it. stop and think about your life. i have, for sure, had a few times in my life where i have been very joyfully surprised. and before i share, i want to make sure and be clear to you that i LOVE surprises! i love being a part of them, i love receiving them…i just love them! my hubby and i were blessed to be a part of a surprise proposal once. we got to help set up the site, shop for the ring…and i was so giddy, you would have thought i was getting engaged all over again. but, i don’t even have to know the people involved, i still get super excited. in fact, recently a dear friend of mine was planning a birthday surprise for her friend, (who i don’t really know that well) and i still got so super excited about it. i wanted to invite myself to the shin-dig and just sit back in the corner and watch it all unfold. but, the surprise was in las vegas, so that would have been a bit much. but, really, friend… i…just…loooove…surprises!!

i often tell people that when my sweet ryan proposed to me, i was so surprised….really, outright shocked is a better word…that i ’bout peed my pants. honest. and he did it at the Christian camp we were working at together, in front of about 300 people…so, clearly, that would have been fairly embarrassing. the thing is, he had spent the entire summer saying “oh, you are still too young…you really need to finish college before we get married…i need to save up for a nice ring….we still have plenty of time…blah, blah, blah” and me, at the wise ol’ age of 21 was in love…and also in complete disagreement…and would say something like, “dude, we’ve been dating for like three years….i’m a year behind in college because i transferred and followed you out to the middle of nowhere to go to college (go tech!) otherwise i would be graduating this year….go spend $60 bucks at james avery and get me a gold band, i don’t care at all…let’s just do this thing” (loosely translated 🙂 this loving banter went back and forth quite a bit over that summer. but then, on august 1st of the year 2000, in the middle of a skit that we had done a hundred times that summer, my whole life changed. and i had NO idea. you could tell i was unprepared, because the camp photographer captured the “moment” in a single shot – ryan kneeling and smiling, me gasping with my hands over my mouth in complete and utter shock, (speechless for the first time…like, ever) and wearing a lovely rainbow-colored moo moo. yup, you read that right. a moo moo. it’s every girl’s dream to get engaged in a moo moo. it was from the skit box, and it was funny looking, so i wore it for the skit. and it is forever embedded in our history, thanks to that photo. (ps. my darling camp director who i love like a dad gave me that moo moo as a wedding present, “here…” he said, ” something special for the wedding night.” ha. such a joker that one.) but, on that day, in that skit – everything changed. and it didn’t go as planned – at least, not by my plan. we knew that skit backwards and forwards. in fact, we could do that skit in our sleep. i knew my lines. he knew his lines. and trust me, friend, “will you marry me?” was not one of the lines before that day. but, i was SO happy that it was part of the skit on this go ’round. so. very. surprised. and SO. very. happy!! best. surprise. ever.

fast forward almost ten years and my man got me again. i was hitting a milestone birthday that, to be honest, i wasn’t that excited about, i guess you could say. but, really, most everyone dreads it a bit, i think. turning the big 3-0. ugh, could i really be thirty!?! or, as i called it, “twenty-ten” (i was twenty-eight and then twenty-nine and so, i thought “twenty-ten” sounded a bit younger that the guttural sound of “thuurty”) and just to make matters more “fun” with hitting this milestone, i was about eight months pregnant at the time. lovely. let’s document this all we can, shall we? and friend, i am not exaggerating when i say that i know how to put on the baby weight. let me be clear – i am not one of those girls who says the gain a lot and then you see them pregnant and can hardly tell at all. nope, not me. i gained at least 60 lovely pounds with each of my three pregnancies, and being that this was my third, i had that down pat. so…here i was, on staff at our wonderful church and thinking that this day, my birthday, was just like any other sunday. i knew my folks were coming to meet us for a special lunch, but that was about it. or not. 🙂 little did i know that when i walked into the youth area that i would get hit in the face with a joyful “surprise!!” from like a hundred people. maybe more, i don’t know for sure. what i do know is that this time, being so far along in my pregnancy, i for real ’bout peed my pants. and i mean, for real, this time. but, potty talk aside…i was sooo shocked. i think i was speechless for like the second time in my whole life. (those who know me well, are laughing because they know this is not an exaggeration!) sooo much planning…sooo many smiling faces staring at me…soooo much fun. such a wonderful surprise. (such a wonderful husband!) although…for the record, i hope to relive this at maybe my 35th birthday or something, and enjoy it a smidge more since i won’t be a waddling cow. vain? yes, but only sometimes. 🙂

but, i must tell you…that after this last year, after literally hundreds of doctor visits and phone calls and unsure diagnosis after unsure diagnosis…i am being flat out honest here when i say that i was feeling like i was due for a good surprise. and, friend…i got one. (thank you, God!) now, my medical knowledge is quite limited (understatement of the century) so i will keep this as free of medical jargon as i can and still make an impact. i had emailed my current endocrinologist (two had come and gone before her) because i needed a refill of the steroid that i had been taking for the past year. awful stuff, those steroids. as if my body wasn’t dealing with enough junk this past year with all the spinal fluid leaks and terrible side effects from that alone, but i also had been on a wicked amount of steroids, thanks to poor medical advice. (don’t get me started on this weight gain, for real. ugh.) and unfortunately, that stuff is pretty hard core, so i couldn’t just say “oh, that doctor really messed up, so i won’t take that drug anymore!” nope, instead i got to say “oh, that doctor really messed up, so now i get to spend the next year of my life trying to very carefully taper down my dosage, so i don’t go into crisis and end up in the ER!” (which i did, three times by the way, along the way) so, needless to say, this day…this wonderful and glorious day after i had blood work done was a big day. you see, this entire time, the doctors weren’t sure if my adrenal glands would ever rebound from this high dose of steroids that first doc put me on. they hoped it would. i prayed it would. but, for the last year, we just weren’t sure. and so, on this day, when she called me back in regards to my refill request, i was given a glorious surprise. her exact words to me were “i’m looking at your blood work results right here and your levels look great! you don’t need to refill that prescription at all, your adrenal glands are working just fine on their own!” (insert looong pause) WHAT!?! bladder control in tact, i finally answered, “are you sure!?!” she assured me that blood work doesn’t lie and that i should be fine. wow. fine? me?? i haven’t been “fine” in so very long, i hardly remember what that looks like. but here i was, given the best and most joyful surprise i’ve had in a loooong time, and i was overwhelmed with gratitude, and also…in complete and utter shock. when i hung up the phone and looked at ryan, my sweet man who has loved me since i was 18, he knew the look in my eyes. it was the look of joyful surprise. something i hadn’t felt in a long while after getting off the phone with a doctor, that’s for sure. and he smiled, too. it was a great moment. but even he didn’t know just how good the news was. i think his exact response when i actually explained it to him was “what? no more steroids at all?!? no way!” i hear ya, babe, almost seems too good to be true. but it was true. and it was good.

ya know what friend? God has held on very tightly to me this past year. i have wriggled around in His hand, stomped my feet in anger all around the Hand, drenched it with tears, and flat out wanted to jump out a time or two. but His grip has not wavered. not once. and i couldn’t be more thankful. because now that i seem to be on “this” side of things…and things are, for the first time in a year, really starting to “look up” for me…i don’t hardly know what to do with myself. since i received this news, this wonderful and joyful surprise, i have had many moments where i have sat around and wondered “is this for real!?!” am i really entering into a time of healing and restoration? could it be true? fear has flashed by a time or two, but i’m getting better (thank you, God!) at flat out ignoring that stupid thing. fear kills faith, friend. kills it dead.

and, let me tell you…faith is for real, friend. i mean…i have always had faith, kinda like i have always had thick hair. but, over this last year i feel as though God taken this “faith” and asked me to sit my hiney down in the beauty shop chair, close my eyes and say “do whatever you want to God, i trust you.” ladies, i know you especially get this analogy because i know that you, like me, have sat many times in those little black chairs and been pumped up, and up, and up as you list off exactly what you have in mind. “not as blonde this time, maybe a little more bangs, and let’s not go quite as short this time, ok?” some of us have actually brought a picture from a magazine (not a hair magazine, because those people look flat out ridiculous) and showed exactly what we’ve had in mind. this is what i want you to do with my ‘do, alright? that was me too, trust me. but, over this last year, i’ve had no choice. God has taken my scrawny neck and plopped me into that chair and told me that i better just close my eyes and trust that He wants to make me beautiful.

do you believe that? that He really wants what is best for you. i always kinda doubted it. in fact, i still struggle with it. i mean, c’mon, He knows me. He knows every judgmental thought, hateful word, prideful dream, and selfish motive i’ve had – and that’s all just in the last twenty minutes. does He really want what’s best for me? or is He really just waiting…wanting to give me what i deserve? i heard it said once that when a group of Christians were complaining about their “tough” lives and how entitled they felt…how they deserved to be healthy, wealthy and wise…that some kid piped in and said “ya know what? what we all deserve is death. that’s it. we all sin so much that every single one of us deserves an eternity in the pits of hell…that’s what you and i deserve, ok? so, anything that is better than that, i say we should be thankful for.” well said, kid, well said.

and oh friend, He wants so much more for us than we can imagine. how do i know? He tells us so. and He shows us so.

in matthew 14 when He had just performed a miracle of feeding probably 20,000 people (yes, we know the story as “feeding the 5,000” but that was just the men, that didn’t even count the women and kids and their full bellies. i’m all about giving him credit for the full 20K) and what did the disciples do? they collected the “extras” and filled 12 baskets full. seriously? yep. they started out in desperate need, and ended up with leftovers. Jesus made sure everyone had what they wanted….not needed, but wanted…and then He allowed for an abundance more. isn’t that just like Him?

in luke 15 when the prodigal son comes to his senses after gallivanting around being a disgrace…he returns home to his father (representing God in this parable) and is welcomed with open arms. his father had been waiting anxiously and watching for him. and he is given his father’s ring and his robe. this signified him regaining his inheritance and rightful status in the family again. and, on top of all that…his father throws him a party. a big, huge feast in his honor. now, c’mon, that wasn’t necessary, was it? the father could have just put his arm around his long lost son and walked back home, for a nice goat meal. it still would have been a good story. but, no – once again, that is God showing His abundant love for us. He breaks out the fattened calf and invites the whole neighborhood. He wants to go overboard for you and for me. and i am personally quite sure that He’d out-do any ridiculous “sweet sixteen” nonsense you see on tv, too, for the record.

and then there was the wedding. who doesn’t love a good wedding celebration? i know i sure do. and in john, chapter 2, we find Jesus enjoying himself at a grand wedding feast. picture the gorgeous decorations. hear the joyful music playing. i bet it was a blast! but, then the unthinkable happened; the host ran out of wine. for us, it is different nowadays. this was bigger than just the closing early of an open bar. this would have caused humiliation for the family and haunted the newly married couple for years in the social circles of Jesus’ day. so, Jesus performed the first of His miracles. He had the servants bring him six huge jugs and then He proceeded to turn about 150 gallons of water into wine. talk about abundance. (and no, i’m not referring to drinking in abundance, thank you very much, the Bible is pretty clear on that! see eph. 5:18..and nice try, though) and then, in true humility, Jesus didn’t even take credit for it. but others sure noticed. His disciples saw this miracle up close. they saw the care Jesus had for the host’s reputation. they saw that He provided more than enough for everyone. and (i love this part!) He didn’t scrimp on the quality of the wine, either. in fact, in true Jesus form, He provided them with the best wine of the entire evening. ya know, friend, He always provides the best, whether we acknowledge it or not.

i could go on and on, friend. and sometimes, i feel i need to. i am writing this just as much for me as i am for you. sometimes, it is hard to just sit back and enjoy the “surprise” we receive, isn’t it? we doubt we deserve it. we are convinced it won’t last long. we fear what “bad” must be coming since we seem to be happy now. we look at others and wish our surprise was as big as theirs. we can’t just sit and be still and enjoy His favor, His love, His blessings. i say “we” – but i mean me. maybe not you, but for sure me.

i am trying to do just that. i am waking up every day and not taking any more steroids. (can i get an amen!?!) i praise Him for that. as the saying goes, ” i do not know what the future holds, but i know Who holds the future.” oh friend, i encourage you to do the same. eat up the bread and fish. have your fill. enjoy that comfort of your Father’s robe. have fun at the feast in your honor. and by all means, have a drink of the best in life. He does desire good for you. and He does desire good for me. it is no “surprise” that He came to earth for you. and He came that we may have an abundant life…not just trudge through. (john 10:10) has this last year been ridiculously tough? um….ya. i’m not sugarcoating that one at all! life is tough – mine and yours. Jesus promised us that. (john 16:33) but, He loves you. so, enjoy it. you are worth it, friend. and you know what…so am i.

psalm 118:24 “this is the day that the Lord has made; let us rejoice and be glad in it.”

Queso Es Muy Sabroso

Ok, I have to ask…I wonder if you think like I do? For your sake, I’d hope not. But, I am curious, if, like me….do you have a list of things that you wish you could do, but you can’t? I do. Fortunately, it is fairly short list, but I do have one.

I wish I could play the piano well.

I wish I could speak fluent Spanish.

That’s it.

For as long as I can remember in my adult life, I have wished I could do these two things. I’m weird, aren’t I? But, it’s true. I sit and marvel when someone, who looks fairly normal on the outside, then sits down and blows your mind when they begin to play the piano in beautiful fluidity. To me, that looks so hard…so intimidating…so in need of a skilled person. I am not a skilled person. Well, at least, not in that way. And, since I’m all about outright honesty, I can admit fully to the fact that I can trace the reason that I do not currently know how to play the piano to two things: first of all, my left hand is good for nothing. (neither is my left foot, for that matter) don’t believe me? Ask any of my former coaches who constantly tried to get me to shoot left-handed lay-ups, or score a goal from anywhere besides the far right side of the soccer field. “right hand dominant” doesn’t begin to describe it. But, the main reason I can’t play the piano is more simple that that. Friend, I am just….lazy. More on this in a minute…

I also really want to be able to speak Spanish. This one even surpasses my desire to tickle the ivories with style. I can trace this desire back to middle school maybe, when my Spanish teacher walked in the room, looking as completely caucasian as can be, and began to speak to us in beautiful and fluent Spanish like she’d been doing it for years. I was blown away. She didn’t look anything but white anglo saxon protestant, yet there she was able to speak in a whole ‘nother language. Whoa. So, that began my best friend, Lindsay, and I with our past time of “faking it”. Funny plan, really. As years went by and Lindsay and I moved on from the required two years of Spanish, knowing not a whole lot more than our typical colors…we didn’t want to move on from our “second” language. So sometimes, when we were feeling silly (which was most of the time), we would sit and wait for someone we didn’t know to walk by and then we would start speaking in “our” Spanish. Let me demonstrate….

“me llamo carolina, queso es muy sabroso, donde esta el bano, cuidado el piso mojado, hola!”

when you string it all together, it sounds like the beginning to a beautiful and lovely Spanish conversation. One that you, too, would want to be a part of, I’m quite sure. However, once translated, instead, you can see that I simply said “my name is Caroline, cheese is very tasty, where is the bathroom, be careful wet floor, hello!” nice, huh? Yes, well, Lindsay and I thought so.

And once again, there are two main reasons why I do not actually speak Spanish now. First of all, there really was no room in my schedule once I hit high school and college to actually take more classes. No really, I didn’t have room. Lots of math classes. Lots. But really, once again, full disclosure here…. It is just that I am lazy.

Yes we are back to that, I am lazy. If I really stop and think, which I have recently done…I admit to myself that right now, a full 15 years after I first desired to be able to speak Spanish or play the piano, would be very cool to do…I have had ample opportunity to learn them both, but I haven’t. It is not like I have a desire to walk on the moon, or climb Mount Everest. Ya, that would be tough. These two…my two…are actually attainable. I have just not wanted to put in the time, effort, and energy to make it happen. Instead I have spent the last 15 years admiring other people who can speak Spanish or play the piano. And man, if you can do both…I absolutely want to be your best friend.

Why in the world am I telling you all of this? Well…lately I have been thinking about this time of year. We just finished celebrating the Christmas season. I must be honest and tell you that I am a little tired of “happy holidays”. Sorry, but I am. I’m over it. I am all about keeping the “Christ” in Christmas. Well, this reminded me of how I signed our family Christmas cards this year…merry Christmas, love team Holzberger! I wanted to be clear about what the most important part of this holiday was. I think it worked. I’ve always said that when you look at it that way, you can clearly see what comes first (Christ) and the rest of the word, you can see how much of him we should want…”mas”, which in my vast Spanish speaking knowledge, I know, means “more”. That’s it. We need “mas” Christ, people.

But, unfortunately, I don’t think that people really look at it that way. In fact, I think it is just the opposite in our society nowadays. Instead, we are all about celebrating a merry Christmas. We aren’t concerned with the first half of the word, just the last half will do, thank you very much. We spend this season wanting/buying/spending/planning “mas”. More. More. More. Mas. Mas. Mas. Sad, isn’t it? Well, to me it is. Am I immune? No way, Jose! I can be seen with more of this and more of that during this time of year. Don’t believe me? Simply ask my dear sweet hubby to see my snowman collection. (but be prepared for him to try and give you some snowmen to take home with you!) Talk about “mas”.

But, here’s the deal, friends. You see…I know that we are a few days after Christmas but, we don’t have to lose the spirit. The spirit of this season is a lovely thing. Loving “mas”. Caring “mas”. Giving “mas”. It isn’t about us. It is about the Jesus in us. But, the great news is that it isn’t at all limited to the month of December. In fact, it is just the opposite. Anyone can display this spirit during the time of year that you are “supposed” to. Someone cuts you off on the road, you let it slide, after all it’s Christmas. You have a spare Saturday afternoon to volunteer somewhere, after all it’s Christmas. That is expected. But, it takes a lot more discipline, a lot more maturity, a lot more of us choosing to display Jesus and not ourselves to do it in the other 11 months of the year.

So, why then, is it so hard? Well, the reason is simple, friend. And it is the same reason behind the fact that I can only play chopsticks and tell you that the rainbow is made up of rojo, anaranjado, amarillo, verde, azul and…um…shoot, I can’t even remember purple!

We, my friend, are…lazy.

It takes a fair amount of self-discipline to spend time in God’s word every day. It takes even more discipline to speak kind words to everyone we see in our normal day. And it takes almost divine self-discipline to put all other before ourselves at all times. (whew, that does sound tough!) But it is much more attainable that we might think. But, we have to be willing to put in the work. Uh-oh, did you say work?

Seems to me that sometimes people see “work” as a dirty four letter word. Yes, I belong to this group of people. Do you?

Jesus was pretty clear about what his mission was. (john 12) he came to serve God and spread his name and his love and his good news to all people. Seems like that is the perfect person to model. I’m no biblical scholar, but I’m quite sure that the following verses don’t contain an appedix that states *limited to the month of december.

John 13:35 “by this all men will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another.”

philippians 2:3 “do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves.”

and this one really gets me…

Mark 10:45 “for even the son of man did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many”

Who am I to think that I shouldn’t be serving people all twelve months of the year? Jesus, the word made flesh (john 1:14) came and even he served and served and served. Mark 10:45 doesn’t end with…”as long as the calendar sayeth december”. C’mon friends, that is silly.

Why can’t we celebrate “mas” of Christ, long after Christmas is over. I think we can. I know we can, actually. But, I know we cannot do it on our own. Thankfully we don’t have to.

Luke 12:12 “for the holy spirit will teach you at that time what you should say.”

John 14:26 “but the counselor, the holy spirit, whom the father will send in my name, will teach you all things and will remind you of everything I have said to you.”

Romans 5:13 “may the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the holy spirit.”

By daily spending time in his word, being in continuous communication with him, praying for the holy spirit to guide you, putting others before yourself, having a happy heart in all circumstances…this is how we can have “mas” of Christ each and every month of each and every year. Is it difficult sometimes? No, it is difficult at all times. We need all the help we can get to live in this sinful world and not blend right in with it. But, I encourage you, friend, as I encourage myself, that each day is a new day…each day is a new opportunity to spread not just the spirit of the season, but the spirit of the reason behind the season…to everyone in your life, beginning with those who share your last name and the roof over your head! So, merry Christ”mas” to you friend, today, and in march and in July…and all year long. But, don’t worry…I’m not expecting a Christmas card each month…we gotta draw the line somewhere, eh?

Ps. Just so you know…that best friend of mine, Lindsay…has been a missionary in Mexico with her husband and kiddos for the last 8 years. Darn her. 🙂 she sounds fantastic with her fluent Spanish and I’m left with “cheese is very tasty and where is the bathroom?” oh well. I couldn’t be prouder of her and how God is using them! Check them out. (Luke and Lindsay Greer)

diving in head first and forgetting i can’t swim

anyone else out there have a very healthy fear? or two? or seven?? (hundred) ya, that’s me.

i remember when i was growing up, i had quite a few very healthy fears. some were warranted, some were not. i had a very healthy fear of my father when i heard the sounds of him begin to remove his belt an take the shinier side of his buckle to the not-so-shinier part of my backside. that fear was warranted. and, all to often, so was the spanking.

but i had plenty of fears that were just plain silly.

for instance – the trundle people. every heard of them? well, according to my big brother, the “trundle people” lived under my bed and if i fell asleep with any part of my body hanging off of my trundle bed, they would pull me under. very. healthy. fear. but, was it warranted? well, to a seven year old scaredy cat with an extrememly overactive imagination, yes. and yes, my big bro still denies ever telling me that. but, c’mon, what little girl makes that kind of thing up on her own? not this one.

one word. jaws. i saw that movie at waaay too young an age. it deserves a blog all its own. but trust me. very. healthy. fear.

then there was the drain at the bottom of the pool. can i get a witness?? ooohhh, that one scared me to death. and someone (no, i won’t blame my big broher for this one! 🙂 told me that if you put your hand flat against the drain that the suction would be so intense that you wouldn’t be able to release your hand and you would drown. or if you happen to be swimming near the drain and you had long hair (yes, i had long hair) then it would get tangled up in the drain and once again, you’d drown. ugh. that one got me good. even as i got older and i rationalized that the liklihood of either of those things being completely true was slim to none, i still didn’t chance it. i avoided the pool drain at all costs. even in the pool at my grandparent’s house, which was honestly like 10 feet deep…i would jump off the super springy diving board and then do my very best to either surface quickly, which, by the way, made me look quite awkward, as if i really didn’t know how to swim after all. or, plan b…i would purposely, if ever so subtly, swim to the side of the pool to the avoid the drain area altogether. drain? what drain? oh me?? i’m just swimming over here towards the ladder, that’s all. ya. whatever. very. healthy. fear.

well, i don’t have enough space to tell you all about my fears i’ve had as a “big girl” now, but trust me, they are many. will ryan leave me? will we always be broke? will something tragic happen to me? my kids? my ryan?? fear has always been a big deal in my life. i say has been because God has truly been working hard core on this issue in me. i have heard it said that fear is the biggest killer of faith. maybe that’s why He’s been working as hard as He has for as long as He has. He knows that my faith won’t grow with fear lingering around waiting for me to fall asleep with my arm-a-danglin’ off the side.

lately, i have brushed back up against some fearful thoughts. darnit. i thought that things had been going so well in that department. but lately, as i have been getting back into the swing of things, so to speak, i have heard that all-too-familiar voice in my thoughts telling me that the things i fear most are going to come true. and once i got past the flat out feeling of being mad about it. i really sat and thought, “what is going on?” “why is this happening now?” and then it hit me….oh ya, how’s my life been lately?? hmmm…well, let me tell you. let me tell you how i have dived in head first…

up until about three weeks ago i have literally been lying flat on my couch ALL day every single day for the past four months. (see earlier posts for my specific medical drama!:) i mean, occasionally i would get up to go to the bathroom, or take a bath, (you are welcome) or take one of the 142 pills i have been on. but, that was it. i was flat on my back, trying to let my God and my body heal. so, i had quite a bit of “spare” time on my hands. my amazing parents were helping with my three small children and that meant that they woud take them with them to run errands-often enough, leaving me with a nice, quiet house. perfect chance to turn up that praise and worship and get into the Word. it was awesome. i mean, not the months on end of being unable to sit upright, that part…not so awesome. but, man…i was a “spiritual stud” (she said humbly) i was getting my Bible study done like days early (an absolute first for me!!)….soaking up my devotional books…writing a blog or two a week…..researching….listening to praise and worship….really just soaking it in. God and i were tight and i was blessed by that. God and i are still tight…but my schedule, you could say…has changed quite a bit. no kidding, it is unbelievable that only three short weeks ago i was praising to my dear friend that i had made the kid’s breakfast AND folded a load of laundry all in one day.

but…then i started to get better. day by day, bit by bit…i started to get a little bit closeer to normal. for the record, i have sooo far to go it isn’t even funny…but let me just tell you what i have done in the past three weeks alone….

driven my kids to and from school (at least 6 times)(that one deserves an AMEN! i love it!)….gone to a girl’s night at my neighbor and best friend’s house….attended the amazing women’s dinner at our church….gone twice out with a friend to do Christmas shopping….attended a end of the sememster luncheon with my Bible study girls….washed probably 12 loads of laundry-all on my own….had two full days with no help from anyone at all with my three small kids….gone to see Rudolph on stage with my family….taken the kids to the mall to see Santa…..gone to church four times (including a worship wednesday!!)….attended each of my boy’s Christmas parties at school….helped a friend decopage gifts for friends…..made two batches of homemade banana muffins (first batch was so burnt, you wouldn’t believe it!)….handmade four teacher’s gifts for boy’s teachers at school…..made breakfast for all three kiddos at least 7-8times….made lunches for all three kiddos about that many times, too!….taken Chirstmas card pictures with my family…..designed Chirstmas cards online….addressed and mailed 100 Christmas cards (yes, i have a super big family!!)….created six, count ’em six calendars online for Christmas presents for the grandparents and great grandparents….handwashed i don’t even know how many sinks FULL of dishes (no, our dishwasher doesn’t work. you are listening to our dishwasher!) :)…..attended a mother/daughter tea with my precious mom and my darling daughter….

whew! i am worn out by just typing that out. literally.

i think what has happened to me is that i am was so stinkin’ thrilled that i could do something…that i no want do everything! ever hear the phrase “anything worth doin’ is worth over-doin’!” ya, unfortunately, that is so often my motto…whether i mean for it to be or not.

would you care to know what i have NOT done over the past three weeks??? don’t really want to share this part…not so proud of it…but here we go…… i have not spent a minimum of1-2 hours a day doing Bible study like i had in the past….i have not made it a priority to wake up before my kids do so i am guaranteed quiet time alone with God before my day begins….i have not answered the call i believe God has on my life by writing to you wonderful people about how He speaks to me and teaches me and reaches out to me each and every day….i have not completed my Bible study over the course of the entire week in preparation for wednesday morning, instead of doing it all last minute tuesday night and wednesday morning with a big “whew, that was close” under my breath….or even worse, not doing it at all…ugh.

i think you get the idea. i know i did. when i was lying in our sweet church listening to my pastor talk all about God and how greatly He wants to use us, if only we could get out of our own way. how sometimes, we are our own worst enemy when it comes to fully living out the purposes God has in our lives. ooohh, i wonder if he was just talking directly to me? i thought so, for sure. in fact, i’m pretty sure he put my name at the top of the bulletin, “ya, this is for you, caroline…pay attention!”

our pastor often says this: “the good news is this: you can have all of God that you want to. all of His power, all of His love, all of His intimacy. that’s the good news. the bad news is this: you have about all of God that you want to.”

ouch. God is readily available. and we are readily preoccupied.

and so true. here i am lying flat for so long, depending on Him for each hour, to get me trhough each doctor’s appointment, and medical issue, each day full of doubt and uncertainty….and now look at me. a few breaths of the “freedom” i had before…and whooosh….i dive in head first. never you mind that i can’t swim on my own. i mean, don’t get me wrong…i still have fellowship with Him, i still praise and worship throughout the day, thank Him for so many small things…i am still very much communicating with Him throughout my day…but i have found myself wandering dangerously close to “that” place. you know “that” place i’m talking about, don’t you?? well, maybe you don’t. but, i know it. all. too. well. “that” place where you make sure you have “checked off” your God time so you can get on about the things in your day you just have to get done. yuck. i despise my own behavior. and what do you know….one can only last like that for so long. your spiritual reserve cannot sustain you for one minute longer than He has designed it to. you don’t spend four months lying flat with God, to store it up, so that once you are walking around again, you don’t have to come back for more until next season. oooh, friend that isn’t how it works. don’t believe me…read about the manna. in exodus 16, they wanted to store the stuff up so they wouldn’t have to keep going back to God. it doesn’t quite work that way. it spoils. and so do we.

and you know what, i’m thankful for that. i want to God who wants me back. who desires daily (hourly) fellowship with me. what kind of God would He be if He made us tread water out there on our own, flailing our arms all around, constantly coming up for air, looking like we’ve never seen the inside of a pool….when He, the One who walked upon the water (matthew 14) knows all about the drain, how to avoid it, or whether or not we even need to avoid it.

so, here i am confessing to you. i am so utterly grateful for all of the wonderful victories that God has allowed me to take part in over these last three weeks. i mean it, i am just so very thankFULL!! every single one has been precious. and about 75% of them have flat brought me to tears. no, really. i may even be underestimating that number! i have been a big ol’ mess lately.

but, i am back now, i know this is what God wants me to do. to write about Him. to serve Him. to faithfully and single-mindedly do “this one thing” (see philippians 3) that He has called me to do. and no, it may not be as practical, as i get better and better and my kids get louder and older 🙂 for me to have all of these hours and hours of Bible study every day like i had somewhat grown accustomed to. but, God knows my heart. (boy, does He!?!) and He knows yours. please do not let our enemy try to convince you that you are too far gone. no such thing, friend. no such thing. don’t let him convince you that you’ve blown it. you haven’t. ok, well…i take that back. you have blown it. but, so have i. and so did jacob. and noah. and peter. (three times!) and paul. and jonah. and sarah. and rachel. and david. oh, i could go on and on and on….but he would just assume you bask in your blown-it-ness and stay there, convinced that you can’t be used again in any sort of real way. ya right. the Bible is F-U-L-L of people who got lots of chances. i don’t know about you, but i cling to that, friend.

the point, my friend, is this. i haven’t been wet from swimming around in what seems like a very loooong time. i haven’t even been able to sit up and dangle my feet in the pool. i have felt bone dry. but, now i’m in. i’m all in. now…my bikini days are over, however. looong over, we can all be thankful for that one. but really…. i am here. soaking wet and dripping with joy. and i am thankful, so very thankful for the fact that i get to take this God, my God and your God, and take Him along for every minute of every day on this ride He has given us called today. and the fear of no stupid drain is going to keep me from diving in head first. and no…i can’t do it all. i shouldn’t even try. yes, i do look like a fool who can’t swim. but once again, He made the water. so, i know if i stick with Him, i’m good. and friend, so are you.

so….ready to dive in? He’s ready….let’s do this thing…

It’s Just Like Riding a Bike

Well, friend…you will never…ever guess what I did today!?!

Ran a marathon? No.

Re-roofed our house? No.

Just teasing.

But seriously…I drove a car!!

Waaahooooooooo!!!!! 🙂

After four long months of spending 23 out of every 24 hours in a day flat on my back, thanks to my stinkin’ ol’ leaking spinal fluid…I have spent the last two weeks trying to be upright more. It hasn’t been easy. It hasn’t been “fun”. In fact, it has flat worn me out. But I am so thankfull (see previous post) for how god has strengthened me more and more each and every day!

Isaiah 40:29 “He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak.”

I have seen God live this verse out in my life over the last two weeks, for sure. Two weeks ago, I was praising him because I was able to fix my kids’ breakfast and do two loads of laundry, all within the same day. And today, just two weeks later, I drove our car! Waaahoooo!!!!

But, I gotta tell you, I was a little nervous about it. I mean, really, I can count on two hands the number of times I have driven a car in the last year, almost. And I have driven a car a whopping zero times in the last four months. So, I was thinking…”I will remember how to do this, right?” they say it is just like riding a bike…you don’t forget. Just start pedaling and it will come back to you. Well, today, friend…pedal, I did.

It’s funny though cause I felt like such a big, fat, dork. (I know, shocker!) But I was driving around and I felt like I had felt some 15 some odd (ish) years ago. Don’t you remember how it felt? That day…that amazing, glorious, beautiful day?? The day when, for the very first time, your parents let you take the car out without them? Ooohh, I remember. It was like I literally had wings. I remember driving around wishing with all my might that I would drive by every single person I ever knew. I wanted them all to see me. All of them. Especially the good looking boys. 🙂 C’mon I was 16…gimme a break.

And this morning, while I am clearly quite far from 16, I kinda felt like I maybe I wasn’t that far after all. I was be-bopping around my town with the biggest, dorkiest grin on my face and looking around at everyone at each stop light, like “Heeeyy yooou guuyyss….look I’m driving a car again! Waaahooooo!!!” I was so giddy I could hardly stand it. I just knew I was going to get a speeding ticket because I kept looking down and was joyfully (although inadvertently) stretching that speed limit by 7-9 mph. I didn’t though. Get a ticket, that is. Thank you, God, for that. Talk about a big bummer for my wonderful morning that would have been. Plus, I didn’t want to get grounded! 🙂

I even had the radio on KLTY, our local Christian radio station, which is where the dial generally stays put when I am driving. Generally. But, alas, it is December so they are playing all Christmas music all the time. Ugh. (that’s a subject for a whole different post, trust me) anyway, one of my favorite Christmas songs came on that reinforced my 16-year-old mentality I was experiencing at the time. It’s the good ol’ “Carol of the Bells”. You see, not sure if you knew this about me…but, I was in choir in high school. Now, let me be clear…I was not a choir stud. I always tease that I am a nice, solid, put me on the third row of a large choir-singer…don’t give me a solo, friend, or you’ll be sorry. At my high school, choir was kind of a big deal. And being in the top honor choir was even a bigger deal. I didn’t make it until my junior year, but once I did and once Christmastime came, I knew what that meant. I knew I’d be joining the years and years of Lakeview choir members who sang that traditional song each year.

So here I am, again, just a couple years later 🙂 and joyfully singing along to the radio “Hark how the bells, sweet silver bells, all seem to say, throw cares away. Diiiing, doooong, diiing dooong. Diiing, doong, diing, diiiing, doooooong.” The alto part wasn’t much to smile at. Kind of anti-climactic, really. But, still…when I heard it come on, I wondered if I’d remember it, soooo many years later. Once again…I guess it’s just like riding a bike. So, once again, pedal I did.

Then, as I was driving around, basking in my newfound freedom, the gas light came on in my car and I about jumped out of my seat! Cool! I gotta stop and get gas! Neat! I honestly can’t remember the last time I did that!?! Remember, once again, to your youthful days, when anywhere you got to drive was fine by you! My mom: “Hey, we have to go to the grocery store!” me: “Ok, mom, can I drive!?!” too funny. Anyway…on this fine morning, since I really had no actual “plan” as to where I was going on my big adventure, I made an executive decision that I would not only stop and get gas, but I’d stop and get donuts for the kids as well. Double fun!

I pulled into the gas station, and once again I’m smiling like a bafoon at everyone…thinking Can they tell? Does it show?…wondering if anyone else could tell that this was the first time I’d driven a car….been out in public…had my wings back on, if you will….in four months?!? If the huge, goofy grin didn’t show them, then they just probably thought I really liked putting gas in my car. And today, I totally did! 🙂 I had hoped I would remember how to do that too? I did stop and think…hmmm…which side of the car is the gas thingy on? Do I have my debit card? What is my pin #? How much gas should I get? I wonder if sweet Ryan would like a diet coke? Turns out I did remember how to do it all. I am a big girl. I can put gas in the car. I thought I may had forgotten. But, once again, friend, pedal, I did. But, as I did… I was filled with questions. And then, as I looked down at myself, I was filled with embarrassment. Ahhh man, I took inventory of myself and realized that I was still in my pajamas, yesterday’s makeup and funktified-slept-weird-on hair. Shoot! See, I hadn’t really planned on actually getting out anywhere, I was just going for a short drive. I looked like a cross between a homeless person and a starving college student who woke up too late for their biology final. (and yes, I have had these flannel pjs since I was that college student. Hey, don’t judge, they are beyond comfy!) I only hesitated for a minute, because I truly don’t struggle that much with worrying about what I’m wearing, my makeup, hair etc. Don’t believe me? Ask any of the fine people who saw me at the gas station or the donut shop today. They can vouch for me! 🙂

So, after a very quick trip in and out of the donut shop, I had the treats for the kids in hand. A pink donut for Benjamin, and chocolate twist for Jacob, and as many donut holes as I will allow sister friend to consume. She loves a lot of them. And while it is technically the same, she prefers to get five donut holes opposed to just one donut. I absolutely get that. She’s totally her mother’s daughter. God help us all. 🙂

So…now, I was completely wiped out after this huge excursion of mine. Very much ready to head home. And it had been about 20 minutes, so I was ready. I joyfully pointed my sweet 4runner, “Skip” (yes he has a name. All cars should have names. It is completely normal!) Due north and headed back to my wonderful home. I called my dearest friend and across the street neighbor as I turned onto our street, because I wanted to surprise her with the good news. I knew she would love to look out her front window and see me driving by. She has called me every single day for the last year to check on me. I mean it…there literally might have been like 6 days out of the last year that she has not called to see how I was doing. Talk about a devoted friend. And now God has made us neighbors. We call it our own little Romans 8:28. 🙂 Anyway…she was still snoozing, which I was so happy to hear, because she too has three little ones and deserves her rest every chance she gets. But her sweet hubby was happy to see me on my giddy drive by. And I was happy to be seen. Sooo happy.

I parked the car. Took a deep breath in and out. Thanked God for my safe trip. And hobbled inside, ready to crash and rest a bit. But, when I walked in the door…all three of my blessing kiddos were awake. Only baby girl was awake when I left. So, the boys ran to me saying “Mama!” but then they saw the distinct donut shop bag in my hands and their squeals turned to “Donuts!!”. Even Abigail, who had already technically had breakfast started squealing and dancing in place. Hilarious!! Benjamin, in true “joy boy” fashion hugged me and said “I missed you so much, Mama!” I love that boy.

And then my darling Jacob…my precious eldest child…who is so thoughtful, so methodical, so much like his Daddy. But oh, he is mine too…this boy wears the weight of the world on his baby sized six-year-old shoulders, and has been more affected by my year long struggle that I am wanting to be aware! He stopped right square in his tracks, because it hit him…and he stared up at me with the sweetest look I’ve seen in so long and said, “Mama, did you drive the car!?!” my eyes welled up and I answered happily “I sure did, buddy! Isn’t that awesome!!! Gimme five! Go Mama, right? Are you proud of me?!?” He smiled so big and said “Way to go! Yes I am, mama! Cool!” It was the most perfect welcome home. Just perfect.

And although I will spare you the details 🙂 I actually got to take a shower, too! Waaahhooooo!!! Right now you may be thinking to yourself…um, seriously? Please tell me that you have showered in the last four months. Although that would explain the smell. 🙂 he he. To be honest, I have not showered one solid time in the last four months. Not once. I have, however, taken many, many baths. Not being able to stand up means no showering. So, I have been forced to become a bath person, like it or not. But today, I got to shower. I kept it brief, but it was so cool. So very cool.

So, friend, I don’t know about you, but it has been a great day! A very, very great day! And I am just so happy to share it with you!!! I hope you are encouraged, even just a little, by my current ability to find joy in pumping gas into my car. You, too, can do this. Trust me…you do not have to go through what I have been through to enjoy the simple pleasures in life. God has blessed each one of us with a gift called today. I mean it. If you are breathing in and out right now (and I’m assuming that you are) then you, too, can be so happy for today.

And you, too, can pedal again. Maybe you think you have forgotten what it is like to….

Feel pretty?

Exercise?

Go to church?

Read your Bible?

Just. Feel. Happy?

No matter what it has been, friend, trust that God can restore you. Trust him. Trust that you, too, can enjoy yourself again. And your life again. It’s just like riding a bike, right? Just. Start. Pedaling, sweet friend. And know that our sweet God, who loves you more than you know is rejoicing over you… And riding right next to you…the whole way. Enjoy the ride, friend, enjoy the ride.

Zeph. 3:17 “The lord your god is with you, he is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, he will quiet you with his love, he will rejoice over you with singing.”

Romans 15:13 “May the god of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the holy spirit.”

1 Peter 5:10 “And the god of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ Jesus, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you, and make you strong, firm, and steadfast.”

thankFULL

ok, ladies and gentlemen, let’s be honest, shall we? (hopefully no one answered a big, fat, “no!”)

thanksgiving is a time where most of us are “thankful” for a couple extra days off from work, for turkey and dressing, for football, and for black friday. am i right, or am i right? trust me, i wish i were not right.

and hey, those are not bad things to be thankful for in and of themselvs. personally, the whole thanksgiving food issue isn’t as much of a big deal for yours truly because, as some may say, i am a pretty “boring” eater. i prefer to call it “predictable and consistent”, but whatever. in case you haven’t been reading my posts for very long, i will enlighten you. i personally believe there is a special place in heaven for the blessed person who invented divided paper plates. whoever you are, wherever you are, i am thankful for you! and i am not one to pile on a little bit o’ everything on my thanksgiving plate. that, is, however, how my dear husbands rolls. i mean it. i can hardly even handle sitting next to him. i love him, so i do. but it ain’t easy. now, let me preface by saying that my sweet mom, step-mom and all of my various family members are truly all very good cooks, i mean it, they are!! but, is it just me, or does the thanksgiving food look fairly normal when it is in each of its respective decorative dishes, but then once piled onto a plate all next to each other, it all looks kinda…well, weird. (yes, i am sure it is just me, no shocker there) the colors and textures…all differet and mixed up all there thrown together. something just isn’t right about it to me. and for ryan… really, you literally can see no, and i mean NO, little dixie paisley pattern creeping up from under his plate once he has gone through the line. he has a little bit o’ everything on that plate, and yes, it is all touching each other…all of it!! (insert silent shudder from his lovely wife sitting next to him trying to avoid eye contact) he has turkey and gravy, and dressing, and green bean casserole (which i am proud to say i have now embraced but i honestly wouldn’t touch the stuff for about the first 27 years of my life) sweet potatoes (his fav!), some sort of rice mixture that is too non-descript to identify clearly but nonetheless, he’s served himself a heap-full, and regular mashed potatoes with gravy that yes, has oozed onto everything else (c’mon, seriously!?! i can hardly even type this out to you people) and sliced ham and some sort of congealed orange-mold-delight-thing complete with chunks (don’t even get me started), and of course to top it all off, he has the cranberries. i’m sorry y’all…what is that about? i can’t handle the texture of the cranberries. i mean it. are cranberries a solid or a liquid? (or do they give you gas?) sorry…i couldn’t resist! 🙂 i am quite sure i am forgetting a few things, but honestly it is out of sheer survival that i don’t pay closer attention to his plate. if i did, i wouldn’t survive sitting next to him. i know, i know…i’m horrible.

but, then there is my plate. simple. understated in its simplicity, really. it has….ham, of course, if we have it, which we usually do. i prefer that to turkey, but i do like both. i am happy to be a carnivore. and yes, i am a grown up now so i will eat the green bean casserole. (yea me! hey…a little self-affirmation never hurt anyone, right? especially since i am quite sure you all are sitting there reading this now thinking i am a complete fool!) a very, very healthy helping (or two) of mashed potatoes and a roll…or two, or three (especially if they are sister shubert’s rolls…heavenly. and yes, this was life pre-gluten free. sigh) and we’re out. that’s it. i’m happy and done. yes, i can still appreciate the pleasant blue paisley print on the dixie plate. and yes, i can still eat my fill. and yes, i made it through the line in record time. and no, i did not accidentally overlook the cranberries. and no, i am not a communist.

to each their own, friend, to each their own. 🙂

and i love watching football. i really do. i know some of my girlfriends think i have joined the “dark side” and that i am not helping the “cause” of us women-folk, but i can’t help it. i love it!! and i think ryan likes that i love it. i remind him of how lucky he is. i am sure he likes that too.

black friday is more of something my sweet ryan looks forward to. ya see, his birthday is the first of november and so, usually he gets a little birthday money each year and he looks forward to the ads and seeing if there is “that deal” that he wants to get at home depot that will make him one happy boy. it really is cute about it.i lkien it to the grown up version of getting the toys r us catalog as a kid and circling the toys you wanted santa to get you. me? i like to sleep. i am sure once our kids are older and asking for presents that i really do need to get at half off the full price in order to be able to afford, i will be up at 4am with the rest of my budget conscious friends. for now, we can just say “oh look, isn’t this fun what you got for Christmas!” i know, i know…my days are numbered!

but, truly, this year has been a tough one. a very, very tough one. but, i mean it with all my heart, friend, when i say i have seen God’s hand all over it. and as i have been lying around this week (hey, it’s what i do!) i have been thinking A LOT about where God has brought me over this last year. well….last year at this time, my world wasn’t a whole lot different from it is right now. i was lying on this very same couch for most of the day, stuggling with spinal fluid leak issues, unable to sit upright for long….and also struggling with God as to why He was allowing this to happen again. (again)

however….this year, i am a bit stronger that i was last year. in more ways than one, i am blessed to say. so, this year i have chosen to be thankFULL. i mean it. i have chosen (and yes, friend, it is a choice) to thank my great God for a whole lotta different things. and i’m bringing you in on this deal. welcome, friend.

and you may be wondering why i am doing this the week after thanksgiving? well, that’s actually one thing i am thankFULL for. my computer crashed on me last week. and yes, i am choosing to be thankful for that. we have one laptop here at our house. and last week, early one morning when i had gotten up super early with the very specific intent to write this exact blog before anyone was up…my sweet jacob got up hours before i thought he would. all the kids had the week off for thanksgiving so i was letting them get some much needed extra sleep. (meaning they all slept in until like 8:30…those lazy bumbs!:) so..here it is like 6:15 and in strolls my sleepy jacob and says, “mama, i wanna cuggle (our family nickname for “cuddle”) with you.” well, clearly i’m never gonna turn that down. especially from my six-year-old, because i am all too aware that those days are numbered with him!

so, we curled up on the couch and “cuggled” and talked and loved on each other. he started asking me questions as only jacob does. and it spurred off onto thanksgiving stuff. and he asked to see a real picture of a pilgrim and an indian. i already had my laptop on, ready to write, so i put it on our laps and googled some images for us to look at together. all was well, until apparently i clicked on something i shouldn’t have. all of a sudden, lots of bad red flashing things started happening and virus warnings started going bonkers on my computer. huh!?! what in the world. i had never seen anything like this. but, i knew it wasn’t good. so…i did my best to un-do what had been done. (which, with my vast computer expertise took a whopping 8 seconds) and then i began to panic. ryan was already outside….he, too wanting to get a lot done before the kids got up that day. i yelled at him and he came and looked at it. he had no idea what to do but was unwilling to spend the $50 to buy the virus protection program that my computer was flashing at me that i needed to buy. ahhh! i was in panic mode. jacob was fine, wathing diego, at this point. his thanksgiving lesson was over anyway and he had moved on. long story short, we got some virus on our laptop and our brilliant and super wonderful friend and neighbor will fix it for us, once we get an external harddrive to put ryan’s itunes and my pics on soon. but, it is the end of the month and mr. budget says we aren’t doing that yet. so…i was without a laptop for a few days. ahhhh!! me?? no email? no facebook? no blogging?? no downloading pics of my babies?? yikes! but, it was good for me. and i am thankFULL for it.

you see, friend…it is soooo easy to get caught up in all the drama of life. it is sooo easy to get affected by it. and i’m not going to lie to you. i was boderline sqealing at ryan at one point “for the love of God, man, if you love me at all, just buy the $50 virus protection and save my computer!!” a lot of good that did. ryan stayed calm and, after kinda blaming me (half teasing…yes, only half) for the whole deal…said that i just needed to find a way to fix it without spending the money. ugh. i did, but it wasn’t pretty. and it wasn’t fun. but…still…i wasted so much energy on that. i let it ruffle my feathers.

i am well aware that this is kind of a retarded example. i get that. but, friend. my last year has been FULL of true, real life, hard core examples of how life can get super intense and i could have (and often did) get caught up in it and let my circumstances ruffle my feathers. and once again, a lot of good that did.

so…here we are… the week after thanksgiving. the tryptophan from the turkey has worn off. the black friday sales are over. the cowboys lost again. (ugh.) how much time did you really spend being thankFULL?? really? did you sit down and OUT LOUD thank your God for all He has done for you since last thanksgiving. no, i’m not talking about the 2 minute prayer that was said while you were really thinking about cutting in line in front of aunt josie because she hogs the sweet potatoes. i mean it. have you been thankFULL??

you want to know the great news? God doesn’t care about pilgrims and indians. i mean…He does. but, not any more that He cares about shamrocks or Easter eggs or jingle bells or fireworks. this is all our deal, people. thankFULLness is year round. yes, this time of year is special because we are supposed to stop and think. we are supposed to designate this time as such. but, if you didn’t, it’s all good. do it today. and the next day. and the day after that. take note of a few Truths with me…

colossians 3:15 says “let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, since as memebers of one body you were called to peace. and be thankful.”

please note that it doesn’t say… “since as member of one body you were called to peace. and somewhere in the last couple weeks of november, be thankful” see? it just says, BE THANKFUL! are you? am i? let peace rule. let it reign. and be thankFULL.

i took a few minutes over the lasst week and made a little treat for a handFULL of people in my life who have gone above and beyond to serve and honor myself and my family throughout this last year. i made a little magnet with the following verse on it:

1 thess. 5:18 says “give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.”

when you have been served and loved on and prayed for and encouraged and humbled as i have over these last twelve months (and more), you cannot help but want to thank them. you honeslty can’t help but be thankful all the time. i am sure i’ve gotten a little annoying about it. (i know that is a shocker…me? annoying?) 🙂 but, i have had a few people say, seriously, stop thanking me!?! nope. not going to happen! but, really, friend….how cool would it be if God felt that way?? what if we thanked Him that much? now…to be clear…i am quite sure..in fact, i am positive, that for all He has done for us, there is no way we could thank Him enough, but oh, to have a heart to try!

now, about this verse…i have always heard that it says to give thanks IN all circumstances and not FOR all circumstances…which was comforting to me. life is tough. really bad stuff happens. painful stuff. unfair stuff. heart-wrenching stuff. stuff that i should NOT have to thank God for. and honestly, this “reasoning” i heard kinda gave me an “out” about it. that is…until the other day. in fact, it was right around the computer craashing day. my devo that morning (amazing little book title “Jesus Calling” – i love it!!!) was about thankfulness and i crept upon this verse…or maybe i should say it crept up on me…

Ephesians 5:20 “sing and make music in your heart to the Lord, always giving thanks to God the Father for everything, in the Name of our Lord Jesus Christ.”

ah, man. that one does say to give thanks FOR everything. shoot.

friend, i am in NO way wanting to dimish any sort of pain you have had in your life. i cannot begin to imagine the pain and grief some of you have been through. honestly, my heart breaks just imagining it and i have a very active imagination. but, at least for me…i have had to come to terms with my heart issues over this last year. no…i shouldn’t “have to” go through what i’m going through. no one should. but, i am. and i shouldn’t “have to” thank God for it. but, i want to. so i am going to try to. i figure that by doing this…i can only grow closer to Him. and then i can only be more like Him. truly. it can’t hurt, right?

this last year has been tough. i have had so many heart-breaking moments that i do not ever want to re-live and that i wouldn’t wish on my very worst enemy. but God, right here and right now, i am typing and saying this to you OUT LOUD…I THANK YOU FOR EVERY ONE OF THEM!! because i know you love me, and i know you are always good. i know you wouldn’t allow one single thing to come to my life that didn’t need to come to bring YOU more honor and glory. i know you are with me. i know you always will be.

friend, if you can’t think of one blasted thing to thank Him for right now…i get that too. i have been there. i have sat at my very own pity party (party of one!) and sunk lower than low in my very own pit of despair as i sloshed around in my “woe-is-me” thoughts all the live long day. trust me. been there, done that…got the ugly, faded tshirts to prove it. so…i offer you this last bit of Truth for you to dwell on and repeat to yourself until you can be reminded of all that you do have to be thankFULL for…

hebrews 12:28 says “therefore, since we are receiving a kingdom that cannot be shaken, let us be thankful, and so worship God acceptably with reverance and awe”

His kingdom cannot be shaken. wahooo!!! that is great news!! if you are a Christian then you at least have that! even if you feel like you have nothing else right now, you do have that!!

and for the rest of you….it is not too late. stop and be thankful. for something. for someone. write a note. send a text. do something. be thankFULL. it is not too late. i know that tomorrow is december 1st. but, who cares. i know the thanksgiving food is gone, but the thankFULLness should not be.

by the way…the food should be gone, friend. if you haven’t thrown it out..please go do that now. especially the cranberries. just let it go…for goodness sake, man…let. it. go. 🙂

ok…maybe i’m a mustard gal after all

so…have you ever thought something should go one way…like, you are pretty sure it should….it makes sense…you have planned on it…mentally prepared for it…and then WHAMMO, nope, sorry, not so much. plans change. and you are left standing there (or, in my case, lying there) saying to yourself, hey, now…what just a minute…what just happened here?

ya, that has happened a few times to me and i am sure a few times to you as well, friend.

in high school, i was kind of a popular kid. i mean, not like completely the most popular girl in school, but most people knew me. and i am pretty sure they liked me, for the most part. anyway, we had this formal event every year at my school called “legacy”. it was a big deal. it was sort of a “suped up” awards ceremony. (and yes, i just spent like 5 minutes online looking up how to spell “suped up”…weird that i have never, ever spelled that word. i thought it was spelled “souped up”, but hmm, what d’ya know!? now i want to eat some soup though, fyi) anyway….this was the only truly formal event for all grades, since prom was only for seniors and homecoming (see other post for more details about that:) was more casual. but not legacy, it was full out girls wearing long beaded gowns, boys in tuxedos, rolling up in limos if you could swing it, etc. it was a big deal. for freshmen, sophomores, and juniors you could be nominated for only three categories: most beautiful/handsome, class favorite and then there was the other one, i forget the name, but it was the one for the smarter kiddos (ironic that i forgot the name of that one, eh?) anyway…that was it. those were the only three categories for the non-seniors.

now, i went to pretty big school. each class had about 800 kids or so, i think. and only about 7 or 8 girls and 7 or 8 boys got nominated for each category from each class. so being nominated was a pretty big deal. and i got nominated every year. i never actually won, but i always got nominated, which was pretty cool. and then my senior year came. my popularity had wavered a bit because i wasn’t partying like most everyone was at this point. but i was still in varsity athletics, honor choir, etc and overall a outgoing friendly gal, so for the most part, people liked me. anyway…legacy time came around again and i was actually excited this time because i thought maybe i could actually win. there were like 15 categories for seniors. most likely to succeed, most athletic, most courteous, i mean, name it, there was a category. and although i had never won before, i thought the odds might actually be in my favor this time around because i might have fit better into some of these other categories.

so…nomination day came around, and the way they did it, was pretty cool. well, looking back, i can see now that it was pretty cool, if you were nominated. not so much if you weren’t. all nominees got a free ticket to legacy and so what happened is that the student council people came around and handed out your formal invitation to you in class. that’s right, they were permitted to stop class, interrupt the teacher and say “excuse me, but i have an invitation here for ____________ to legacy” and then obviously everyone in the class would know they were nominated for something. it was pretty cool. it was. my freshman year. and my sophomore year. and my junior year. all, very cool. why? because i was nominated, that’s why. so, naturally, i kinda liked the process. but there i was, my senior year…and i can’t tell you what class i was in…or what i was wearing…but i can tell you what i felt. excited, when i saw the stuco kids come in. patient, as they called a couple different of my buddies names. then utterly mortified when they said, “ok, that’s it, thanks.” and turned and walked away. i imagine my face looked like it was in total shock. i know my few friends in there looked at me in confusion, (pity) knowing that they too, thought i might be nominated. but i wasn’t. all the years when there were just three categories, sure. now, my senior year, when there were like 15 categories…nope. not so much. i felt like such a loser. this was not at all how i had pictured my senior year legacy to be. not at all.

then, sometimes it happens in waves.

fast forward almost exactly 12 years. same me. a bit older. a bit more mature. a lot fatter. 🙂 well, i was eight months pregnant after all, with our third child. and, friend, if there is anything i am great at, it is puttin’ on that baby weight. hmmm…just weight in general, really. i shouldn’t limit it to baby weight, i did, after all hit some high digits in college. some go for the typical “freshman 15″…i pushed through for the “sophomore 40”. hey, anything worth doin’ is worth overdoin’, eh? 🙂 anyway… at this point, ryan and i have two precious little boys: jacob, age 4 1/2 and benjamin, age 2 1/2 and here we are awaiting our third little blessing. we didn’t know what gender we were having, we just LOVED the surprise waaay too much. although, i will admit that ryan almost “cracked” at the sonogram, but he changed his mind. he wanted the surprise as much as i did! anyway..this had been the hardest pregnancy, by far. i had been on partial bedrest for a while now, thanks to this little darling “dropping” waaay too early and putting a WHOLE lotta pressure on my pubic bone. it was awful! i couldn’t walk without awful pain! ugh! i dilated early, thinned early, all of it. but, thankfully, the little one stayed in and “cooked” as long as needed. so, here we were preparing for an induction, mainly to just put me out of my bloomin’ misery. my doc had said that if i could just get to 38 weeks, then she would induce me and we’d be fine. oh, those weeks d.r.i.p.p.e.d. by like the slowest leaky faucet on the face of the planet. but, finally we got there. fiiiinallly.

now, my back had been through quite a bit of trauma in the year prior to that. viral meningitis and the awful SIX pricks for that spinal tap and then therefore two blood patch procedures to repair that damage. and yes, that is the reason i am down and out right now. same condition, just reoccurring now all over again, all this time later, again. so, before i was pregnant with this little baby, i had had major issues with my back, numbness, pain, etc. so..my doc had suggested i call ahead and speak to the anesthesiologists and make sure they knew my history before i went in for labor. no problem. i called and spoke with a very kind doctor…told him my story….and explained all my concerns about this labor and the option of an epidural. he assured me that an epidural would be fine and nothing to worry about. whew! thank you, God!

so, march 14th came. and so did the induction. it went very smoothly at first. i had been induced with my second baby as well, so i was familiar with the whole deal. in fact, with sweet benjamin, it all went so quickly, i got to have him and then order lunch. it was great! especially since my darling first child’s labor took four days. that’s right, four days. and yes, jacob will hear all about that his entire life. 🙂 anyway…so, here i am in very active labor and in quite a bit of pain. but, mentally i know i will be ok, because the epidural is coming. they call for the anesthesiologist on call and she comes in, looks over my chart and says “um, ya….looking over your history, i don’t feel comfortable doing an epidural on you.” WHAT!?!? i’m sorry. you don’t feel comfortable!?! well, i don’t feel comfortable right now either, but that is because i am about to push something the size of a watermelon out of an opening the size of a lemon(love that line from the old classic movie “look who’s talking!”)….and YOU can help a sister out with that!! well, apparently, no she couldn’t. she wouldn’t agree to do it. so..here i was. in hard labor. freaking out with pain. and now having to come to terms with the fact that this was ONLY going to get worse. and worse. and worse. and, friend…..it did.

the pain was awful. don’t let anyone tell you different. i was about at the point where i was fine with them just cutting off my legs and calling it even. either that or sew me up and forget the whole thing. the kid had its chance. but then i had to push. i mean, had to! it wasn’t time to, but i had to. they tried to stop me, but they couldn’t. i couldn’t. i don’t think anything could have. and then, our miracle baby came out, and the nurse said joyfully, “it’s a girl!” ryan and i looked at each other and both said simultaneously “are you sure!?!” and they held her up and we wept. flat. out. wept. we couldn’t believe we had a girl. not what we had pictured. but, oh, thank you, God. but then i kept bleeding. and bleeding. they didn’t know why. ryan said he’ll never forget the look on the nurses faces as they rolled me off to emergency surgery. he was holding his precious little girl and afraid he was about to lose hie wife. not at all what he expected.

i ended up being ok. thank you, God. but, abigail had jaundice, somethin’ fierce. so, after only a few hours of really getting to enjoy her, she had to go to NICU and stay there. what a little orange beauty she was. she slept there and stayed there. all we could do was visit and i could nurse her. that’s it. even when we took her home, she had to spend three extra days in that little “baby tanning bed” and we couldn’t even take her out to love on her. (yes, of course, i whispered to her that she better soak it up now cause that was the only tanning bed mommy would ever approve of!) but all of it…ALL of it, wasn’t at all what we expected. not at all what we pictured in our heads. not at all.

and now, i’m kind of there again. i just heard that the mayo clinic has denied me again! again!?! really?? what is it? do i smell funny? am i not cute enough? did they find out that i didn’t get nominated for legacy my senior year???

i had gotten myself all pumped up and mentally prepared to make that 15 hour drive. i had pictured it. prepared myself for what it would be like to leave my babies, go there, be poked and proded all over again. all. over. again. and now what?? they say no to me, again. not at all what i expected. not at all.

it has taken me a few days to recover from this. partly because i got bronchitis and couldn’t focus much on it for a bit. partly because i didn’t want to. not sure which part is bigger. well, ya i do.

so..here i am…mentally preparing myself that i don’t get to be a mayo gal now. i guess that means, i gotta go for mustard. in case you haven’t read any of my previous posts. i don’t really care for either one, really. (see post titled “hold the mayo”) but, that’s ok. God is good. and in this time in my life, maybe that’s what i need, is a little bit more willingness to try some mayo, and some mustard. or both. or neither. i don’t know. but, i know Who does.

i am sure your life is full of times when you have thought it would go one way and then, WHAMMO, it goes the other way. some of us are wired to handle that better than others. SOOOO much of it is about our attitude, friend.

i am reading an amazing book for our home group at church right now, titled “in a pit with a lion on a snowy day” by mark batterson. it is the most random of titles, i know. but, once you read it, you get it. and lately i have been trying to focus on praising God no matter what!

trust me, i know it is not always easy. but, it is always worth it!! mark batterson wrote about how he had inherited this small group of people when he started the National Community Church in Washington D.C. and he describes his first Sunday as lead pastor. it wasn’t a record setting week. well, actually, it was, but not the “good” kind of record setting. only three people made it to church that Sunday; his wife, his son, and himself. you see, that weekend was the same weekend of the awful blizzard of ’96 that dumped record amounts of snow on the area. how defeating. probably not at all what he pictured in his head. not at all what he planned for, for sure. not at all. but i love what he wrote next!! “the upside of that, of course, was that we experienced a 633% growth in attendance in just ONE week, when we had 19 people show up the next weekend!”

how cool is that!?! what a great attitude to have. how many churches can say they had a 633% growth in just ONE week?!? how many churches would choose to look at it that way? or would they say, ah, man, we only had 19 people show up. hmmm??

how many of us would choose to look at it that way??

a fascinating study was done by professor vicki medvec that revealed the importance of one’s subjective attitude over and above objective circumstances. she studied olympic medalists and discovered that bronze medalists were quantifiably happier than silver medalists. here’s why: silver medalists tended to focus on how close they came to winning gold, so they weren’t satisfied with silver. but, bronze medalists tended to focus on how close they came to not winning a medal at all, so they were just happy to be on the medal stand!

whoa.

see? how we feel isn’t due to just our objective circumstances. if it were, then silver medalists would always be happier because silver is better than bronze, right? our feelings are determined by how we react to these things. how you react. how i react.

so, here i am. lying on my couch for the, who knows, how many number of days in a row now. but it doesn’t matter. I AM IN CHARGE of how i will react to that. me and only me. is this how i pictured my month of november, back when i was in pain and having a hard july. nope. not at all, actually. because at least i was able to be upright in july. i thought by november i’d be much better, not worse. surely not worse.

but, i’ll tell you what, friend. GOD IS GOOD ALL THE TIME!! and like mark batterson says in his book, “maybe we should stop asking God to GET US OUT of difficult circumstances and start asking Him what HE WANTS US TO GET OUT of those difficult circumstances.”

amen to that!

this isn’t what i pictured. this isn’t what i planned. but i trust the One who will never, ever forsake me. deut 31:8 tells us that “The Lord himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged.” so, even if it isn’t what i thought would happen, even if it isn’t what i pictured. He says He’ll go before me. so, i trust that. and i choose to obey what He tells me to do in 1 thess 5:18 “give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.”

so..bring on the mayo. or the mustard. who knows…i might just turn out to be a relish gal. we will just have to wait and see, my friend. wait and see. 🙂

no gifts, please

i am all about gift giving. i mean it. i love it!!

have you ever read “the five love languages” by gary chapman? if not, i highly recommend it. it is one of the books that has helped save our marriage from ryan and i flat out screwing it up. anyway – in the book you are looking for how you tell people you love them. how you “speak” to them in love. the options are: physical touch, quality time, acts of service, receiving gifts and words of affirmation. the theory is that, however you love others (what you do for them) is generally how you like to receive love as wel.

well, ryan and i read this book, took the survey and in true “us” fashion weren’t surprised by the results one bit. once you tally up your score, you place your love languages in order from those most important to you, all the way down to those least important. and then you can generally categorize yourself by your top two love languages. well, ladies and gents – you guessed it…my numbers #1,2,3,4,5 in order were ryan’s #5,4,3,2,1 and vise versa. i mean it…we were the exact polar opposites. of course, by this time in our marriage we didn’t need a survey to prove this, but it was, shall we say, interesting to see on paper. the two most important ways that i say “i love you” were his bottom two – by far….and the same for me. man, oh man God had a sense of humor by pairing us up, huh? or maybe He just knows what’s good for us. 🙂

ya see, my sweet ryan is for sure, 100% an acts of service person. no doubt about it. he doesn’t write poems or buy flowers or shower me with hugs, kisses and compliments. he will, instead, clean up the kitchen, fold the laundry, handle all the bills, wash my car, clean up dishes after dinner, etc. that is how he says “i love you”.

but, friend, that ain’t how i hear it. that is by far #5 on my list. by far. i am for sure, 100% a words of affirmation and receiving gifts person. (i was kind of a tie…shocking to you? probably not.) i was a little embarrassed by this at first because i thought, “i don’t care about big expensive gifts at all, that isn’t me!” but that isn’t what it means. a “gift” can be leaving a little note on my bathroom mirror or picking up my favorite ice cream and surprising me with it in the freezer when i open it up. and the words of affirmation part is pretty self-explanatory. and boy oh boy do i crave that. probably to a fault. but, that, my friend, is another blog altogether.

anyway – many of the arguments—i would even venture to say most of the arguments that ryan and i have had over the last 13 years of being together, and especially the 9 years living under the same roof as man and wife – can be linked back to how we do not at all match up on these core love styles.

i know, i know…wives around the world think i am a bloomin’ idiot that i am not jumping up and down that my man is willing, and even enjoys, doing stuff around the house for me. i can’t tell you how many friends i’ve had who just stare at me bug-eyed and with jaws dropped that say “no, sorry – you don’t get to complain about your husband. nope, sorry!” and don’t get me wrong, i am thankful for what ryan does. i am. and i really don’t complain about ryan like i used to. i am thankful God taught me years ago that going to my girlfriends with anything negative about my husband doesn’t honor anyone, anytime, anywhere. but, i do go to God about it. i have been known to pray the popular little three word wives prayer, “change him, Lord!” because although i appreciate what he does, it doesn’t tell me he loves me. it isn’t what i need to “hear”.

but, God knows exactly where ryan and i are. He knows exactly what we need. and what i have been learning even more so recently is that He is working on each of us exactly how He needs to for each of us, right now.

which leads me to the point of this blog. this weekend marks the one year “anniversary” of when all this medical drama started back up for me. yes, it really began three years ago, and the side effects have been going on since then, but life was still “ok” for the most part. but, really – it was a year ago that i went into the hospital with a spinal fluid leak (again) and came out with no answers. and i haven’t…been…the…same…since. for the last year- i have had not one pain free day. not one. i haven’t felt like me. my life hasn’t been “back to normal” since. not since one year ago. so, i guess, it is the “anniversary”…but, no gifts, please.

and this, coming from me. because i love gifts, remember!?! i love getting them, giving them…i love even when other people are getting or giving them to others and i’m not even involved! i just love it! and i love celebrating events about it! in fact..poor ryan, when we were dating and first married, too, actually….he had so much to keep up with…because i loved birthdays and anniversaries. i would blissfully walk up to him and hug him and grin and say “baaabe, do you know what todaaay is?” and then he would have to stop and think…”hmmm…ok, if it is the 15th, then it is six months ’til your birthday….if it is the 1st, then it is 2 months until my birthday….if it is the 25th, then it is our dating anniversary…if it is the 11th, then it is our wedding anniversary….poor guy. 🙂 but it is true, i love celebrating anniversaries. i love remembering the joy and the fun and re-living all of it. and birthdays are really just anniversaries of our birth – so, for me, it’s really all about anniversaries.

but, i have thought about this, quite a bit….and there really needs to be another word for when you are faced with the date again of something that you really don’t want to celebrate. an occasion that occurred that maybe wasn’t fun or full of joy. my cousin has faced this a lot of her life, because her birthday is november 22nd. now, this date might not mean a lot to people from my generation, but whenever she has told her birthday to anyone around our folks’ age, they generally reply with, “ooh, bummer of a birthday, that was the day john f kennedy was shot” ok, thanks, people, that is also my birthday…is how i would reply, at least. but, these people remember where they were when they heard the news, what they were wearing, all of it. i never really understood this…how people could recall something so vividly….that is, until september 11th 2001. then, i got it. in fact, that day was ryan and i’s one month wedding anniversary. we got married august 11th, 2001 and i vividly remember that one month anniversary day, where i was, what i was wearing…all of it. that day started with me being so giddy because it was our first real anniversary as a grown up couple with a grown up anniversary as mr. and mrs. but the day ended with a whole different emotion. and every year when that day comes around, we remember that day and honor it. but, there really should be another word than the “anniversary” of something that doesn’t bring us joy. maybe un-iversary. myabe we should say un-happy anniversary. i don’t know. something.

but, here i was, i knew this weekend was approaching. my dad reminded me, too. because, for him, it is one of his favorite weekends of the year – opening weekend for deer season. yes, grandpa is gone this weekend “feeding the deer”. we haven’t told the kiddos exactly what grandpa does there yet. we’ll drop that bomb at some point, not yet though, they’re still little. for now, they just think he must really like to feed them. and he does. he likes them fat. we’ll just leave it at that. but, anyway, last year my dad got the call at his cabin that i was in the hospital again and he had to rush back to see how his little girl was. he smiled and hugged me thursday and said “alright, toots, let’s not do like we did last year, ok?” he was teasing of course, he would gladly rush back anytime. but, that was when it hit me. wow, a full year had passed. a year. whoa. not-so-happy anniversary to me. and no gifts, please.

i tried not to think too much about it because i just didn’t want to get too down about it. a full year of my life has been so looong, and sooo full of pain and ya know what..still not over yet.

i still type this too you from my couch. still no answers. still in pain. still not sure this last procedure worked.

but, ya know what?? i did get an anniversary gift this weekend. that’s right. from my God.

this weekend i felt good enough (and determined enough) to tough out the pain and get out of my house. i put on real clothes (i.e. non sweat pants, no elastic waist, no sports bra) and somewhat straightened my hair and put on makeup and went to TWO stores. that’s right TWO stores. granted, i only spent about 15 minutes in each store, but who cares? that is the first time i have been out in public like that in THREE MONTHS!! three months, people. can you even imagine that!?! that is also the first time i have put on real clothes like that in three months. when you lie on your couch all day, it is pretty much pointless to be in clothes that aren’t comfy.

and that wasn’t all. i got to go to church too! wahoooooo!!!!! for the first time in three months, i was able to go to church. my mom was here for the weekend and able to help. (ryan had to cover a football game for his asst. principal duties) my dear friends at church took care of me and met me at the door with a wheelchair and i lied down at the back of the sanctuary, as to not cause a disruption. i brought my pillow (i actually forgot my ice packs, major bummer, but i still made it!) and it was awesome! we actually got there before the praise and worship began (a first for me) and so i was able to take part in the whole deal. what a blessing. and you know what?? they played my song. chris tomlin’s “our God” is kinda my anthem right now…it rocks!! (if you don’t know it, look it up online and rock out – it is such a praise-full song!) and i loooove the build up to the chorus that says:

and if Our God is for us, then who could ever stop us?
and if Our God is with us, then what can stand against?

so true. (romans 8:31)

so, here i was on the one year un-iversary of the weekend this all went from bad to worse. but, God…knowing me better than anyone (psalm 139)…..knowing that a clean kitchen, folded laundry and a washed car wouldn’t mean as much to me…He got me a gift instead.

He gave me a glimpse.

i got a glimpse back of the life that He has waiting for me. a life full and abundant that He came for me to have. (john 10:10) and i got this glimpse in faith, because i do not lie here healed. in fact, i feel worse today that i have in a while. but, i lie here hopeful. hebrews 11:1 says that “now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see.” i am certain He gave me this glimpse.

and honestly friend, He might as well have put a big fat red bow on it. i knew it was just from Him to me. i lied there and cried and worshiped at my home church. i tooted around Target on my hover-round. and i sort of smiled at the gal i recognized in the mirror wearing the cuter clothes.

so….happy “whatever you wanna call it” day to me. but, remember….no, gifts please.

i already got mine. 🙂

investing in a parka

so, i was raised in texas. i have lived here my entire life. born and bred and proud of it. in fact, i actually own a t-shirt that has a map of the united states on it…all of which is colored in black, except for the state of texas, which is colored red, white and blue, and has been brought out on the map, to be larger than it is, (of course) with a huge patriotic arrow pointing to it that largely says TEXAS! and a little bitty black arrow that points to the rest of the map that says “whatever”. ok, maybe that is a bit overboard. maybe. (then again, maybe not 🙂

my point is, that being from this fine state, as i have mentioned before, we basically only have a couple of seasons. from march through november, it is pretty much summer and the rest of the year can affectionately be called “about to be summer”.

i just had a dear friend travel to the new england states (which i hear are located up north somewhere and maybe over to the right a bit) and i texted her and said “hey, i hear rumors that leaves actually change colors from red to orange and yellow”…is this true!?!” she laughed and then texted me back pictures of beautiful fall colored leaves, the likes of which i have never seen. and before you east texas and hill country folks get your britches in a bunch, i know, i know..you guys have more of a fall than we do, but c’mon…it is still texas. we don’t hold a candle to the northeast and their four actual seasons.

and then there is winter. sure, we have one. sort of. for the most part our temperature gets down in the low 40’s maybe and often we have a spattering of nights below freezing…ooohh…i know, brutal isn’t it. somewhere, someone from minnesota is laughing their hiney off at us southern wimps. that sounds like a crisp day in august to them, i bet. well, not here, not for this texas gal.

last Christmas was a white one, in fact. you wouldn’t believe it if i didn’t document it better than NASA did the first man on the moon. i mean it, i have soooo many pictures from those few days because our area literally got 10 inches of gorgeous, fluffy, white snow in one day. u n h e a r d – o f for our area. the dallas/fort worth metroplex darn near shut down. people panicked and flocked to the stores (driving 3 miles an hour, mind you, cause we have no stinkin’ idea how to drive in this stuff!) for cans of beans and firestarter logs like they were planning to hunker down for weeks. it was borderline on a state of emergency here, people. again, northerners are like “ooohh geez, you guys had a bad spell for once, did ya, eh?” well, shoot fire – as a matter of fact, y’all – we did! and darnit if i didn’t have the complete wrong apparel for it. why would i invest in snow boots, or a super heavy duty long johns, or a parka for goodness sake?? talk about a fat waste of money. it would make about as much sense as one of those minnesota folks investing in sunblock in bulk. not wise. don’t get me wrong…i looove watching those movies set in new york where the fashionable girls have different fabulous winter coats for different outfits, but what in the world would i use those for here??

well, in true “me” fashion, i do actually have a point to all of this, i just took about six paragraphs to get to it. (shocking, i know!) i have a few phrases that i use often. a couple “staple” thing that sometimes make people laugh. i like to think i’m a fairly funny gal. my sweet hubby used to think so too, but now says “babe, i’ve heard all your material!” ha ha, babe. funny one, that ryan. 🙂 but, one phrase i do use often, i must say i feel like i have lived lately, friend. i’m being honest when i say, over this last year, i have been “shoveling snow in a blizzard”

ever heard that one?

well…me, being the extremely visual person that i am, when i say that phrase, i immediately picture it. me…out on the front sidewalk of a house….shoveling this loooong sidewalk. i have a nice, large heavy-duty snow plow shoveling thingy (see, i don’t even know what the things are called) and i am hunched over, diligently scooping huge, fluffy mounds of snow off of the sidewalk. swoosh! swoooosh! back and forth, in each direction…to the left of the sidewalk…swoosh, then back to the right of the sidewalk…swoosh!! over and over, all the way down this loong driveway. tiring. sweating. hard work here people. and oh ya…did i mention that it is like hard core snowing…like blizzard snowing. thick, white, quarter sized flakes blowing fiercely and furiously sideways, upways, acrossways – everyways at me this entire time. so that, obviously…after i have been shoveling and shoveling and i get to the end of this loooong sidewalk, i streeetch my back up, plant my snow plow digger upper thingy in the snow and turn to see the fruit of my labor…and sigh. i squint back and can just barely see clearly enough to see that in the time it has taken me to clear the way, the snow has re-covered the sidewalk once again. uugghh. you have got to be kidding me. in frustration, i grab my snow scooper and feverishly begin to make my way back up the sidewalk…swoosh, swoosh…left side…right side…left side…right side…back and forth and back and forth. all the way back up the walk. i can no longer feel my feet or my hands, of course, but after yet another looong trip of hard work in the freezing snow….whew, i’m done. i throw the snow shoveling thing down in the snow and quickly turn back, ready to run inside to warmth…only to see once again…uuugghh, no way!!! the sidewalk is covered again. not again?? yep, again.

well, friend. that is it. shoveling snow in a blizzard. no matter how hard you work and how far you think you get. the sidewalk doesn’t stay cleared for very long. at. all.

can you relate to this at all? obviously, if you have read any of my past blogs, you know that i am currently dealing with the most frustrating medical drama of my entire life. and by the way, drama is so not me. i was just texting with a dear lifelong friend yesterday and i told her “hey, whatever happened to the me who used to say “save the drama for your mama!”…i AM that drama-filled girl now. ugh.

i feel so often like i cannot get out from under it. the snow is not only rising beyond my not-at-all allweather boots, but it is also blowing fiercely in my face from every direction. and the weatherman says there is no end in sight. lovely.

viral meningitis. numbness in back and legs. can’t sit upright in a chair. ruptured cyst. traumatic labor resulting in emergency surgery. adrenal crisis. bronchitis. medication side effects. depression. another spinal fluid leak. occipital neuralgia. postural headaches. pneumonia. gluten intolerance. hormonal imbalance. shingles. spastic colon. yet another spinal fluid leak. another adrenal crisis. stroke-like symptoms. ribs out of place. sinus infection. severe weight gain. anxiety. intracranial pressure problems. colonoscopy for polyps. severe fatigue. vertigo. medication contradictions. oh yes, another spinal fluid leak. muscle loss and danger of atrophy. dislocated shoulder. nerve damage. migraines. all of which have come with doctor after doctor running test after test after test and doing scan after scan after scan…still no diagnosis. still no answers.

needless to say, there have been times i have felt like someone moved me from my nice warm home state of texas to the stinkin’ arctic and forgot to tell me.

maybe you can’t relate to my specific circumstances. maybe you are healthy. but, maybe you have bills from credit card debt or student loans that pile up so high each and every month that they might as well be shoveled off with a large scooper or maybe you even feel you need a zamboni at this point.

maybe you and your spouse argue so much that you feel like you are weighed down with pounds and pounds of snow in the form of disappointment, regret, anger, insecurity, shame, and probably most of all frustration as to how it all will end.

maybe you have children who are constantly needing every little fiber of energy that you could possibly have. and so you give and give and give all day, every single day and no matter how far ahead you think you get on the laundry or the dishes or the cleaning it never, ever seems to slow down and you are there at the end of each day, the ONLY one holding a stinkin’ snow shovel.

maybe your job is so demanding that no matter how many extra hours you put in, or contacts you make, or clients you attain…you never, ever, ever feel secure enough to take in a sigh of relief and enjoy the snowy view from your hard earned corner office.

i do not know if you have ever felt this way. but i know that i have. and i know Jesus has. hebrews 4:15 talks about how our Jesus as having been there. He felt what we feel. He knows what pressure is all about. and disappointment. He’s been there. yet, He went through it all with no sin.

not me.

nope, i find myself often feeling all types of things i shouldn’t. questioning God’s timing, His purpose, His plan. as if the God of the universe doesn’t know what He is doing. ya, God..hi, it’s me again… i know you like invented the whole world and stuff, but i really think my life would go better if……(fill in the blank) ugh. gee, i’m humble, eh?

thankfully, we serve a God that can handle our feelings. that’s right, all of them. and He cares. i know this because i have lived it. but Jesus also shows us this when He weeps about the death of his friend Lazarus. Mary and Martha are understandably upset about the death of their brother. they were all friends with Jesus. they believed in who He was. they knew He could have saved him. but He didn’t. Lazarus was dead. in fact, by the time Jesus got to the graveside, Lazarus was four days old stinky dead. when mary and martha had seen Jesus at first they had both said “if you had just been here, our brother would not have died”. if you had just been here. man, i don’t know about you, but i have felt that way a time or two. but, do you know what Jesus did?? john 11:35 is the shortest verse in the Bible. it says clearly what Jesus did when he saw the pain they were feeling, the anguish these sisters were going through. “Jesus wept.” friend, Jesus knew this wasn’t the end. in fact He told them it wasn’t. He told them they’d see Lazarus again. (john 11:23) but still He met them where they were, in their grief and their disappointment and He wept. have you ever stopped to think about that? He absolutely knew that He was going to be bringing Lazarus back to life, yet still He wept. that, friend, is a God who can relate to our feelings.

and it is a God with a plan. when Jesus first heard that Lazarus was sick, He assured them this sickness wouldn’t end in death (john 11:4) and then what did He do? did He rush out and jump on His race donkey to get there in record time? nope. He stayed where He was for two more days. two. more. days. for any of us who have been going through something awful, we know that two days can feel like an eternity. we do not know for sure why Jesus waited like He did. why He allowed them to go through what He did. but He knew them better than anyone. in His perfect sovereignty, He knew what they needed. and He says clearly that the purpose of this ordeal is simple. (john 11:4) “it is for God’s glory so that God’s Son may be glorified through it.”

the same is true for you and for me.

i have no idea why in the world i have had to endure one, not to mention all of the things listed in the paragraph earlier, in the last few years. it sure doesn’t seem fair? and trust me, it sure isn’t fun. but, i believe that the purpose is simply the same as what is was for the tragedy mary and martha faced. now, clearly i am not relating what i have gone through to anyone who literally has faced the death of a loved one. that, i respectfully say, is on a whole other level. but, i do believe what the Bible says, in romans 8:28 “and we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to His purpose.” it definitely doesn’t say that all things are good. death, pain, suffering, illness….that is not good. but God can use it for good. somehow. somewhere. someway. someday.

so, friend….i am and always will be a proud texan. but, i am thinking it is about time i invest in a parka. always seemed like a waste of time and money for me before. but, i have been in this blizzard for a while now. shoveling and shoveling and shoveling. my hands are blistered. my nose is cold. and the weatherman has still not let me know that this snow is letting up anytime soon. i could just stomp around and pout about the weather. actually i have. i could fuss and complain and whine about how unfair it is that i am not on a beach right now like other people. ok, done that, too. i could even flop down in the snow and contemplate why each flake is falling and what made it fall. but, none of that stops the snow. none of it slows the blizzard. so, friend….i think it best to just invest in a parka. i will be warmer. better prepared for the rest of my time shoveling in this extreme weather.

it is a choice though. it is something i must choose to do. over and over and over. each and every day. wouldn’t it be silly for me to simply decide to dress appropriately for day one of this blizzard and then spend the next two months out in the cold complaining or bragging or reminiscing of that one day i was snuggly and warm in my parka?

the Bible talks a lot about how and with what we are to clothe ourselves.

colossians 3:12 says “therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience.”

this could not apply more. Lord, i do not know why you are allowing this, but i trust you and i believe your way is better than mine. (humility) i know that now because i have been through this, i will be better prepared to act more like You to those around me who are genuinely struggling and in need. (compassion, kindness, gentleness) and Lord, You are above time. i cannot fathom your timetable because you know the end from the beginning (isaiah 46:10) but i will stay out here in this cold and trust you. (patience) please notice it says clothe yourselves. you gotta do it. i gotta do it.

1 peter 5:5 also reminds us “all of you, clothe yourselves with humility toward one another, because, “God opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble.” i know i already mentioned humility, but for some reason, in my own thick skull, i feel the need to bring this up twice to myself. (way more than twice, actually) suffering is hard. there is no way around that. and yes, we all occasionally need to attend our own pity party every once in a while. i think that is ok, but as my sweet friend says, “ya sure, that’s fine as long as you don’t rent the room and hire the band.” true. we are all so self-sufficient and independent in today’s world, that we actually think that we can come up with a better plan for our lives that our very own Creator. lest we forget who made us from dirt, people. (gen. 2:7)

ephesians 4:22-24 “you were taught, with regard to your former way of life, to put off your old self, which is being corrupted by its deceitful desires; to be made new in the attitude of your minds; and to put on the new self, created to be like God in true righteousness and holiness.”

whoa. this clinches it, friend. the old you, and well, the old me wants to plop my hiney down in this snow and pitch a good ol’ fit for a while – a long while. i want to envy those around me who have it “so easy”. i want to complain about how long and hard this has been. i want to question every single thing that keeps a comin’ and a comin’ and a comin’ my way that doesn’t feel good at all. it would also be easy to get angry and bitter. and ya know what, it would also be so easy to become a martyr and become self-righteous. the pendulum swings so far both ways, friend. but…in case you haven’t noticed…look around…none of those behaviors of my old self change the weather forecast – they still…don’t…stop…the…snow. so, i choose to use the strength God offers me daily to “make new the attitude of my mind”. i have to. the other option is cold and gloomy and lonely. instead, i have the opportunity to dress warmly and choose to see each day as a blessing. ya know…snow is kinda pretty.

and by the way, in case you care to know… i think my parka will be polka-dotted.

hey, i think it is ok to be warm and cute. nothing wrong with that. 🙂 hmmm…maybe i should even get boots that match…..couldn’t hurt. 🙂