caroline holzberger

Keepin' it real about motherhood, Jesus, life, and everything in between.

Nut To the Head

So, if you have been reading my blog for any length of time at all, you may have heard me say that God lovingly hits me over the head with a 2×4 sometimes. I figured it was finally time to explain.
I am a recovering strong-willed child. Any of you with me? “Hello, my name is Caroline.” And the group says, “Hellooo Caroline.” I grew up as the baby of the family, the only girl, and my parents divorced when I was young – so I learned early how to dig my heels in and stay there.
My Mom lovingly (ha!) tells the story of how often I would answer her with an emphatic “NO!” as a very young child. Of course she would quickly reply, “Don’t you tell me no!” Well, as you can imagine, it didn’t take long for me to pick up on that too. I would ask for ice cream for dinner or something completely reasonable like that, and she would say “No!” to which I would quickly and sternly reply “Don’t you tell me no!”
Needless to say, my back end was sore more times than I can count, and I got to know some of my favorite teachers in detention. Friend, it is what it is.
But, now, years later, you find me now a smidge wiser and not much more mature. Thankfully my earthly parents and my heavenly Father love me just the same. I often tease that God whispers to some, speaks sternly to others, but with me, it often ok, pretty much always takes a loving 2×4 to my head to get my attention.
Pretty much all of what I blog about stems from moments just like this. Whether He is convicting me of sin or reminding me of the promises of His Word, it is often a 2×4 just the same.
Tonight was just such a night.
Except this time, I felt it – in more than just my spirit. I felt it on my big ol’ forehead.
You see…friend, I have to tell you something. If you have known me for very long at all or have been following my medical drama of a roller coaster for the past four years, you know I have been waiting for one of two things – a miracle or a trip to the Mayo clinic. Miracle or Mayo, I was fine with either one. Whichever God decided.
Well, friend, for now, He has picked one.
That’s right…
I
AM
GOING
TO
THE
MAYO
CLINIC!!!
You read that right – God has orchestrated the entire thing. What took me three years to try and complete and yet still fail – He did in under three weeks and succeeded. Don’t worry, I will be telling you ALL about how I got accepted in another post soon. In fact, I will be updating you a lot in the next week or so, because that’s right…
Not only did they say “Yes we will take you as a patient.” But they also said “We’ll see you this Monday!”
As in six days from now.
What!?!
Shock doesn’t begin to cover it.
I liken it to that feeling you get in life when something big happens that you have been anticipating…
I can’t wait to get married! Oh how I love him – I wonder when he’ll propose. Aww, look all my friends are getting engaged….and then he does it. He is on his knee, you are staring at your hand and all of a sudden it hits you. This is for real.
You can’t wait to have a baby. You love kids. You’ve been married for a while now, and it seems right. Aww, babies are so cute. That is going to be so fun someday! Then it happens – there are two lines and not one, you feel sick and your belly grows and then it hits you, you and you alone have to push this thing out of your body. This is for real.
Well, friend. This. Is. For. Real.
I will spend the next few days frantically trying to spend good quality time with my babies, planning out their next week, trying to arrange travel, lodging, bills, etc – and constantly picking my chin up off the ground. Like I said, shock just doesn’t begin to cover it.
A friend asked how I was feeling about it. Hmmm, good question. Thankful. Shocked. Scared. Hopeful. Nervous. Grateful. Sad. Happy. Just to name a few. So, yes, I’m pretty much a basket case at the moment. Shocker.

Which explains the 2×4 moment I experienced. Now, in the past, I have never actually “felt” pain in my head region when God lovingly gets my attention. Tonight, that was not the case.
It took a few hours to process the phone call I received today. Ryan and I hadn’t even really gotten to sit and talk about it…which makes it weird. Nothing seems totally real until I share it with Ryan. But, here I was looking out at my backyard, listening to my kids play and then all of a sudden, every emotion a person can feel just flooded out of me like the boiling water does every single time I make mac-n-cheese. Holding it in was not an option.
I excused myself from the yard, walked to my neighbor and best friend’s yard where my amazing recliner chair was positioned and called her from my cell phone. I simply asked her to come outside. Poor thing didn’t know what she was getting herself into. None of my closest friends knew when they signed on, poor things. She came out and saw that I was already crying. Thankfully she didn’t run in the other direction. And then it all just came out –
“What if the doctors can’t figure it out?”
“I’ve never been that far away from my kids, and never for that long either.”
“Aaaand if we go this soon then we won’t be with the kids For Trunk or Treat, Halloween, celebrating Ryan’s birthday…”
“This is going to cost a fortune!! There is NO WAY we can make this work!?!”
“Where the heck is Minnesota anyway?!”
She let me emotionally throw up all over her for a minute and sat down next to me under her beautiful oak trees. It was about then that I said something to the affect of “Why is God letting this happen now??…” – and then BAM! at that exact moment a huge ok, so maybe it wasn’t exactly huge acorn fell sixty feet from an oak tree and hit me square in the forehead.
I could not possibly make this up.
Now, I like to think I have a fairly high tolerance for pain. But, this seriously hurt! It took me a second to blink a few times, shake it off and then say “OWWWWWWW!!!!” Then we both lost it. We laughed so hard at the fact that God had just literally hit me over the head this time. No figurative 2×4 this time sister, He knew this called for more. That simple little acorn sent the questions back toward me from my beloved acorn maker –
“Has this not been exactly what you have been asking for?”
“Have I not broken through all red tape and policies and procedures to make this happen for you so quickly?”
“Have I not provided for you every other time you couldn’t make something work!?!”
“Halloween, really? Isn’t that your least favorite holiday of all? Shall we wait until Christmas?”
“Have we seriously not gotten past the fact that I MADE your children – I think I can handle looking out for them without your help for a week.”
Darn that acorn. And thank you God for that acorn.
Friend, this is happening. In less than six days, I will be freezing my hiney off in a state that I honestly could not point out to you on a map. (I know to just go north for days, until I meet a Canadian, then turn around and go back south about two blocks.)
I get this news and within hours – who have I become? Yep, you guessed it. God knows that my maiden name is not Sanders. It is Israelite.
The Red Sea thing was great, but where the heck are we?!!
I’m lost and hungryyyyy.
Oh ya, that miracle you perform each day is nice and all, but I’m tired of manna.
Ugh, quail again!?!
Where’s the bottled water? This stuff’s bitter.
I’m not going that way, God, those g-g-guys are g-g-giants compared to us!
UGH! I really disappoint myself sometimes. But, thanks to that little acorn, I am back. I am ok. And friend, I’m headed to MinnesOHta. 🙂
May I encourage you along our journey that God loves you. He is in control. He can handle your drama. He is worthy of your everything. He is faithful. He is good. His promises are true.
Friend, be thankful for the acorns. Thank Him for loving you (and me!!) enough to send a nut to the head. How could a loving God send an acorn like that? Hey, it coulda been an anvil, friend. Just sayin’.
Psalm 145:3 “Great is the LORD and most worthy of praise; his greatness no one can fathom.”
Psalm 33:4 “For the word of the LORD is right and true; he is faithful in all he does.”
Romans 8:32 “He who did not spare his own Son, but gave him up for us all–how will he not also, along with him, graciously give us all things?”

Ephesians 3:20-21 “Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, forever and ever! Amen.”

 

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